kikie Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 I thought guys work like this but apparently so do i!: as i'm approaching THE moment with my bf, and as I see him being mine and mine only, and wanting to stay mine & all, ... i get more n more interested in others, in particular those guys who don't seem to like me ... I feel like smth's reversed, like I'm the one using a guy, while he's totally into me ... Ahhh!! I don't know what to do. I know i only want the others to make sure that I can get them to like me ... it's a game ... but they also get so much more of my attention than my bf ... wth's up with my mind?? weird? just a phase? just youth?? i feel like i want two parallel lives - one for fun n games with others, one for a peaceful life w/ my bf ... help? any advice? comments? Thanks a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 This is only a case of you not being ready to settle down. Once you get to the point in your life where you want contentment and stability, you will seldom have a desire for strange stuff. This will even be the case if now your problem is fear of this new level of committment. A lot of people have that fear. Your desire to explore uncharted areas of maledom may be an expression of fear of commiting to one person or fear of that person hurting you. For now, you ought to opt out of your relationship and go out and have fun. It is just not practical to have it both ways and it can get you into a lot of trouble. You will NEVER be happy with one person while you're mind is on the possiblity of seeing and dating other people. Until some time passes when you have no desire to see or be with others, then you'll be very comfortable with a decision to be with one special person you feel great around. Link to post Share on other sites
kikie Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 Thanks Tony! Sounds reasonable. Another Qn: my bf has never had a long-term gf before either... why is he so into me?? i mean doesn't he wanna go out n try other girls too? is it b/c of insecurity? i mean i rlly like him too, but it doesn't stop my curiosity ... but he's talking living together and all... And another Qn is about hurting him the least: it would rlly hurt him to break up right now ... but it will also hurt him if i break up later on b/c i go with someone else... I think i'll simply keep insisting we're too young to know who's THE one for each of us & have fun with him while it lasts... is that reasonable?? Thanks a lot Tony, it's nice to hear i'm not crazy yet Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 You have a lot of problems with what is known in psychology as "projection." Basicially, what that means it that people often tend to project their own motives, methods, madness, characteristics, etc., onto other people. They assume other people are just like them...and that is far fromt he truth. Just because you have certain issues with your new experience with long term relationships doesn't mean your boyfriend does, OK. And even if he does, just let him be for now, OK!!! He has a right to be going through whatever he may be going through for Pete's sake!!! You also have a serious problem with what I call "analysis paralysis." That's what I call the malady of over analyzing every damned movement on the planet. Trying to figure out the whys and wherefores of every single behavior and happening your observe. This can absolutely ruin your life. You can paralyze your entire being by constant indulgence with analysis...which is what you do continuously in your head. Rather than answer you question above, which calls for total speculation anyway, I am going to call upon you to stop projecting and stop analyzing so much and start to enjoy life. Take things as they come, enjoy life and all its wonder. I will not be sucked in to your analysis syndrome. If you keep up on the track you are going, you are headed for utter misery. Oh, yes, you should pay attention to life and adjust yourself accordingly but to continuously try to figure out every aspect of it will take every ounce of joy away from what life has to offer...and, if you want to know a secret, you'll never figure it out anyway. STOP IT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 Hope you don't mind if I butt in... I think Tony is absolutely right in that you aren't ready to settle down yet. (If I remember correctly, you're around 17 or 18, right? If I have you confused with someone else, let me know...) Another Qn: my bf has never had a long-term gf before either... why is he so into me?? i mean doesn't he wanna go out n try other girls too? is it b/c of insecurity? Purely speculation on my part, but I think he's young and comfortable in your relationship. He knows that with you, he's got a good deal, so why would he want to go out and try more? Or maybe he is insecure and afraid to get out there and date someone else. Who knows? Comfort level becomes a big deal for many couples. Many couples continue to stay together even when things aren't that great simply because it's easier than trying something new and taking a risk. i mean i rlly like him too, but it doesn't stop my curiosity ... but he's talking living together and all... If I've got your age right, do not move in with him. No matter how you feel about him, you are much too young, and given this post, you aren't ready for it. It's normal to be curious, especially at your age. I personally think that everyone should date a lot of people before they decide to get married or live with someone, and I also think that everyone needs to spend some time being single, although most people don't. Trust me, in about 10 years you are going to have completely different feelings on what you want out of life, a relationship, and yourself. And another Qn is about hurting him the least: it would rlly hurt him to break up right now ... but it will also hurt him if i break up later on b/c i go with someone else... Well, too bad. Not to sound cold hearted, but of course he's going to be hurt when you break up, no matter how nice you are about it. You're probably going to hurt, too. But you can't put it off because you're afraid of hurting him. He'll get over it. This will probably be the first of many hurts, for both him and you. It's a standard part of life. You have to do what's right for you! I think i'll simply keep insisting we're too young to know who's THE one for each of us & have fun with him while it lasts... is that reasonable?? Are you dragging something out because it's easier than facing a break-up? Time is a precious commodity, and sure you could have fun with this guy for 10 more minutes, months, or years, but is that in the best interest of your relationship? If you know that you're eventually going to want to get there and sow some wild oats (which you should), why drag this out? The longer you keep having a committed, loving relationship with your boyfriend, the more hurt he's going to be when you break up. (It's much easier to get over a year long relationship than a three year relationship, I think.) But, think hard about this and do what's right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Candice Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 you shouldn't use people. trust me i know. what goes around comes around. I thought guys work like this but apparently so do i!: as i'm approaching THE moment with my bf, and as I see him being mine and mine only, and wanting to stay mine & all, ... i get more n more interested in others, in particular those guys who don't seem to like me ... I feel like smth's reversed, like I'm the one using a guy, while he's totally into me ... Ahhh!! I don't know what to do. I know i only want the others to make sure that I can get them to like me ... it's a game ... but they also get so much more of my attention than my bf ... wth's up with my mind?? weird? just a phase? just youth?? i feel like i want two parallel lives - one for fun n games with others, one for a peaceful life w/ my bf ... help? any advice? comments? Thanks a lot Link to post Share on other sites
kikie Posted June 3, 2001 Share Posted June 3, 2001 Thanks Clia. Tony's absolutely right. i'll stop thinking about all this. whatever happens, happens. i'll go with what i wanna do ... and see where it leads me Link to post Share on other sites
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