Self development journal

[Gagis]

So I want to start journaling here about my self development towards starting a family and away from schizophrenia.

 

It seems to me that to do that I need to become eligible and to do that I need to develop self respect.

 

Having a diagnosis of schizophrenia is my main obstacle to eligibility.

 

In some sense, however, it is not the diagnosis per se, but the dependency on it.

 

I need to relate to the world in a way that I respect and can communicate to others in a way that engenders respect from them.

 

A lot of my schizophrenia has stemmed from lack of respect for myself sexually.

 

I want to explore that here.

 

I also want to explore how I can develop more with regards to relationships in general, relationships with my family, relationships with my friends, and hopefully relationships with people I might end up working with.

 

One of the first exercises I want to do is write down what it is that I am looking for in a partner.

 

This is something that I have been unable to do for some time.

 

My experience with porn has left me unable to form realistic ideas about sexual relationships.

 

To be honest about what I want whilst being realistic is something that I want to explore.

 

At present, I still desire images more than real relationships, even if ultimately they are unfulfilling.

 

The journey towards learning to love real people, including myself, starts here.

 

Thank you.

[preraph]

Porn addiction can indeed make you have a disconnect. Because why would you be emotionally connected to it? You wouldn't. Good start on the journal and some good insights.

 

So think about completely stopping porn and working on just finding and being around friends and making emotional connections maybe.

[Gagis]

Thanks, preraph. I stopped masturbating to porn ten months ago.

 

I've just contacted a sex therapist to help me rewire my brain to be able to have healthy sexual interactions as well.

 

I often get very philosophical trying to understand who I am, what is within the realm of possibility for me, and what are the reasons for my current reality.

 

The first is analysis of the present, the second is analysis of the future, and the third is analysis of the past.

 

I enjoy being analytical, so I don't see it as a problem, it's my conclusions that I am constantly doubting or developing.

 

However, perhaps being analytical all the time is the reason for the state of my relationships.

 

Rarely do I just share a joke or an experience with other people, I am always lost in trying to understand the situation either internally in my own thoughts, or externally by sharing my insights.

 

Retreating into my own thoughts whilst in the company of others has always made me feel uncomfortable.

 

I always want to share my insights with other people, but the opportunity does not always present itself.

 

Physical experiences with other people, emotional experiences with other people, these things are greatly lacking from my life, though not completely, which would be impossible.

 

I have had extreme internal emotional reactions during psychotic episodes, and I have also practiced T'ai Ji on and off as a physical experience, but again that is mostly to do with oneself, unless one gets into a fight, which I never do.

 

Recently, over the past year or so, I have thought about taking up acting classes in order to help develop myself physically and emotionally.

 

I have also thought about learning some form of complimentary medicine, such as massage or reiki.

 

I have good friends, they are always happy to hear my insights, but don't actively seek them out.

 

Porn has definitely affected me greatly, not least because for so many years I was so ashamed of my use of it that I didn't dare speak about anything sexual at all.

 

I shall be updating again, with more insights probably, but what I really need to do is document my progress in order to give it momentum.

 

Thank you.

[Veronica73]

I’m interested in reading your self-development journal. But I am finding it difficult to read because you don’t use paragraphs. It’s almost like a bullet point list. But I’m sure this is mostly done for yourself, so take my feedback with a grain of salt. If it helps you that’s what matters

[divegrl]

Have you ever listened to Alan Watts?

 

You might resonate with his work.

 

Sending infinite energy my friend.

[preraph]

Do try to get most of your analysis out by journaling rather than detailing it to people. Try to remember that introspection is healthy, but not if you're broadcasting it to people who are going to think it's TMI! So seek a balance, and always remember that most friends just want to be entertained. Too much self-examination while around them or communicating to them can simply seem self-indulgent and not like a good listener. But always be sure you are in some way trying to entertain friends because fun friends is what people want.

[Gagis]

Thank you to everyone that replied.

 

One of the things that I need to address is my relationship with my father.

 

For most of my life I viewed my father almost as a God. Then I started to find my own experiences were greater than his in some respects, which led to a sort of schizophrenic view of him, on the one hand still seeing him as someone who could do no wrong, and on the other finding him wanting. I haven't really progressed beyond this. I want to give him things so that he can catch up and regain his place as my idol. I think in a lot of my male relationships, I am guilty of idolatry. This comes back to my need for self-respect. It also comes down to not chasing after security and jumping into the flow of uncertainty in life that is fun. That might sound strange since psychosis is an experience of great uncertainty, but the paranoia is related to chasing after security. Both of these things stem from shame over years of secret porn use since I was a child. However I think the chasing after security started even earlier, and I basically idolized my father since I was born, which I think is quite normal for a child, but something that most people grow out of. I also idolized my male friends growing up, and there was quite a bit of jealousy on my part. I think finding faults in the past is useful to some extent in tracing the roots of faults in the present, but some things are better forgotten. Exploring my male relationships, starting with my father, as well as my female relationships, is something I want to do.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So continuing the theme of my relationship with my father, I spoke to him today on the phone.

 

My father had always hoped that I would be great and whilst I was still young, he thought I would be, then I had a break down at university and developed paranoid schizophrenia.

 

Today we talked about my smoking, how I want to give up. My father said that I was what is known as a "weak person". He said that he didn't have time to naval gaze with me about how I couldn't survive. He told me to stop pestering him, because I've been phoning him so much, and when I asked him why he didn't phone me, he said because he didn't want to. I asked him if he was fed up with me, and he said yes but that wasn't the point.

 

I know my father loves me, but I know he feels let down, let down not just by my condition but by what he sees as my lack of strength in getting out of it. Maybe he even feels embarrassed by how I have turned out.

 

I don't know if he blames himself, I know my mother did for a long time.

 

I still want my father to be proud of me, but I am completely stuck in my situation, and only manage small steps at a time to deal with my condition.

 

I want to talk more about my relationship with my father, and hopefully work towards improving it, but I think the only thing that would do that would be for me to recover from my condition and succeed in life.

 

I will update again soon.

 

Thank you.

[preraph]

It's good you're journaling. I think maybe you were journaling out loud to your dad, and you know, most people just can't withstand much of it. It would be nice if he'd do joint counseling with you, but sounds like he is tired of talking. This is not unusual for men, so don't think to harshly of him. I assume he's been more supportive in the past and is just tired.

[Gagis]

Thanks Preraph,

 

I think journaling is good, but public confession is not necessarily the way to go, even though it can be cathartic.

 

I'm hoping that my therapy will be able to help me more.

 

I spoke to the therapist for the first time, and I was a little unimpressed, but we didn't discuss anything other than the time of my first session at the end of the month, so I'll reserve judgment until then.

 

One of the things that I'm trying to work out is my complete inability to form sexual relationships, though I form friendships easily. I also do badly in group situations.

 

With regards to sexual relationships, it has just occurred to me that it might have something to do with the idea of idolization again and my relationship with my father.

 

I really love my father, he means the world to me, but as I said I have had a tendency to idolize him as a God which I have never really grown out of.

 

Perhaps my idea of love is tainted by this.

 

At the same time, my father can be very belittling of me, after all these years of me being stuck with my condition, and I always just accept it, because of viewing him as a God. Indeed, in a masochistic sort of way, I just love to hear him pay me attention, even if it is negative.

 

I think, though I am heterosexual, I want a girlfriend I can love like my father.

 

I also want a girlfriend I can love like my mother, but that is a different story.

 

I'm so confused.

 

My father had an extreme life.

 

In the past I have kept turning to the fantasy of porn to explore relationships, and I don't know whether it is helpful to apply analysis to this, perhaps it is better to just put as much distance between me and porn as possible.

 

I don't know whether exploring my porn use and fetishes with the therapist will just dredge up a whole load of things I just want to forget.

 

I want to move on, but so far in dating I haven't had any success, but maybe that's just because I haven't found the right girl.

 

At the back of my mind, however, is the feeling that I am not correctly orientated in myself towards sexual relationships, and this has come from a combination of porn use and my relationships with friends and family growing up.

 

For a long time, when I was more paranoid, I blamed racism for my condition, but the reality is that it was my father who suffered the greater racism in his life, I only experience mild secondary racism.

 

It was my attachment to my father and his past that brought racism on to me. I can quite easily pass as "White" in a way my father couldn't when he was growing up, and though there are some issues I experience, these are all based on attachment to his past and my heritage.

 

I'm sure racism did play a role in shaping my condition, but I'm through with the subject, at least whilst not having psychotic relapses, and don't really want to explore it any more, just accept that for the moment the world is racist and step over it. It is certainly not the same as when my father was growing up.

 

Anyway, I've written quite a lot, will update again when I have some more thoughts.

 

Thank you.

[preraph]

My best advice is be certain that the counselor you are about to see is a certified psychologist, because you have just the type of issues that it absolutely requires a trained psychologist to address. You have mother/father issues. Any lifestyle counselor or religious counselor or uncertified counselor cannot even begin to address those issues, but there is a good deal of psychiatric works and research on this and so a good psychologist or psychiatrist can help you sort it out. Don't waste your time or money with anyone less schooled than a degree in psychology or psychiatry.

[Foxhall]

Do try to get most of your analysis out by journaling rather than detailing it to people. Try to remember that introspection is healthy, but not if you're broadcasting it to people who are going to think it's TMI! So seek a balance, and always remember that most friends just want to be entertained. Too much self-examination while around them or communicating to them can simply seem self-indulgent and not like a good listener. But always be sure you are in some way trying to entertain friends because fun friends is what people want.

 

 

Preraph, I cannot deny that you are a knowledgeable lady,

I don't always agree with you, but this is good advice in fairness!!

 

 

op, good luck, I am too tired to comment on your situation now but will check in another day.

[Foxhall]

Do you ever get feelings in your chest?

 

Like when you are happy about something, you get a warm feeling like an uplift. what gives you those feelings?

 

from what you write, I would say the porn viewing certainly has not given that, it is likely to have given you negative guilty feelings,

 

I dont think you should be ashamed of yourself for your sexual desires, it is perfectly natural to have sexual desire towards women, so maybe do not beat yourself up as much about this behaviour.

but at the same time it is good you have recognised the need to put the porn behind you,

 

to hold a conversation with a beautiful girl and have her smile at you, that is surely a more uplifting experience than watching porn,

 

just work on small victories, get yourself out there, smile and say hello to people at your local store,

 

Are you sporty at all?

It is a great way to channel your energy into something, get your competitive edge out there, make new friends,

the focus is less on yourself and more on the activity,

Are you into music? would you learn to play a guitar and start playing at some venues?

you will have plenty of time focusing on yourself with the proposed therapist so find some activity to put all the thinking into.

 

you mention you have a few friends there, that is good , if these are male, well get out socialising with them, encourage them to bring along their girlfriends and get practice speaking to women at a conversational level,

 

finding a partner and all that, no immediate rush with that, take this next few months as a time to build your confidence and developing hobbies that you enjoy.

[Gagis]

Thank you preraph and Foxhall for your kind advice.

 

I think I am obsessed with eliminating differences, things that separate us.

 

This is impossible.

 

There is always some difference.

 

There is always form.

 

Yet love is the transcendence of a particular form.

 

The elimination of a particular difference.

 

It is not the elimination of differences that is the problem for me, it is the ideal of eliminating all differences.

 

That is impossible for anything that has discernible existence.

 

Osho wrote that "ideals condemn" because they can never be reached.

 

Thus the ideal of absolute total love condemns.

 

Yet I have seen too many differences that I have been unable to ignore, starting with my mother and father.

 

I do not doubt that they love each other. They love each other despite their differences.

 

I wish I could do that too, but I have been too stubborn, too attached to the ideal of absolute total love, that condemns me to always finding fault in the amount of love I am able to give.

 

On top of this, whenever I have met a girl or dated, I have always highlighted my differences to test whether the girl is capable of absolute total love, and thus always found fault.

 

I need to accept that differences will always exist.

 

That we love despite differences.

 

That we love to a degree, within the limitations that exist for us in the moment.

 

Limitations are illusions, but that does not mean they don't exist.

 

They exist as illusions, and are necessary for us to have choices.

 

Shedding a limitation creates love, but there are always infinitely many limitations we are not even aware of.

 

I just don't know how I can be any less fundamentalist about the love I want from a partner.

 

I need to forget the things that separate me, take a risk and be intimate.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I've known this for quite some time, I'm in love with my ego.

 

Ego just means "I" in Greek, but it's come to mean something separate in psychology, following Freud.

 

In Sufi discourse the word used is "nafs".

 

People talk about loving yourself, and other people talk about killing your "ego" or "nafs", the discourse one has with oneself.

 

In some ways the two paths are the same thing, loving yourself is accepting yourself as who you are and so killing the discourse one has with oneself.

 

One no longer thinks about oneself, one just accepts oneself.

 

Yet another part of the Sufi way is the "sohbet" or discourse of the Sheikh.

 

The Sheikh speaks and reflects you so that you can see yourself more clearly.

 

It is the Sheikh who says kill your nafs, yet the Sheikh is having discourse with you, you are accepting the Sheikh's discourse.

 

The need for a Sheikh, or a Guru in the Hindu tradition, to show you the way, is an acknowledgement that reflection should come from without not within.

 

We should try to reflect the love of others, not ourselves, to become selfless, not self-obsessed.

 

I know I am self-obsessed.

 

This is why I struggle to form romantic relationships.

 

Indeed I would much rather think about myself than do anything else in the world.

 

I love talking about myself, thinking about myself, and fantasizing about myself.

 

It is escapism.

 

I do next to nothing all day, except this.

 

I have been doing it so long, that I don't know any different.

 

When I have to take on board other people's feelings I feel awkward.

 

So long as the conversation is abstract, I am in my element.

 

I simply cannot deal with reality when I am put in a challenging situation.

 

Thankfully, most of the time I am left alone to engage in escapism with the extra escapism of calling my parents for more feelings of security.

 

Whenever I have to face the psychiatric institutions I get anxious to face anything that involves dealing with reality.

 

I have the luxury of being looked after, without which I would not cope.

 

I am not unhappy, but I am in love with my ego, and don't know how to take the first steps into the real world of relationships with responsibilities.

 

Does this matter if I am not unhappy?

 

Only if I want to have a family of my own.

 

Perhaps I am destined not to.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I had an experience yesterday that I am struggling to put into words.

 

I bought a book by the Buddhist writer Thich Nhat Hanh called "How to Fight".

 

In fact it was about the opposite of fighting, or rather how to minimise fighting.

 

It starts off with a discourse on anger. How to manage anger, to kill it, to avoid acting through it.

 

It moves on to acting through compassion, to recognise the suffering in others, especially when one thinks that they are trying to cause you suffering, and thus show compassion in the face of attack.

 

As I was reading it, it all made sense, and I had the feeling I knew it all already, had heard similar things before, and had already incorporated the advice into my being.

 

Then after finishing the book, I had an experience where I was confronted about my smoking near a bus shelter.

 

There are no-smoking signs in the bus shelter, but I wasn't actually in the bus shelter, so I was not actually breaking any rules.

 

However the person was arguing that I was being inconsiderate and that the fact that there were no-smoking signs in the shelter meant that I should consider the fact that other people might be there who didn't like the smell of smoke.

 

I instantly got indignant, feeling that because I wasn't actually breaking any rules, he was impinging on my right to smoke.

 

Confrontational energy rushed to my head.

 

I eventually conceded and put the cigarette out, because I don't like confrontation, but the confrontational energy stayed with me, and worse, I felt like I had lost an argument or battle.

 

I walked away, to the next bus stop, and waited for the bus after the one he got on.

 

But all of this left me thinking, how could I react in such a way.

 

I knew all the stuff in the book, yet I still reacted badly.

 

It also made me think of how I react when I am psychotic.

 

In effect, I wasn't being considerate.

 

I had bought the book, because I had wanted to know how to win fights, to not be walked over all the time.

 

Almost always I concede in an argument to avoid confrontation.

 

Being confronted over smoking had touched a raw nerve.

 

As I said, I did eventually concede in this case as well.

 

I don't know what lessons to draw from this. The book said that it is impossible not to get angry ever, it is how you manage it that is the key.

 

I certainly didn't feel like I had mastered the emotion.

 

I was resentful all the way home.

 

I didn't want to consider the other person, but rather put him in his place.

 

These events don't happen very often for me, at least when I'm sane, and it was strange that it happened directly after reading the book.

 

It just goes to show that knowing things in theory is not the same as putting them into practice. However I don't particularly want to be placed in similar situations where I have to practice this skill.

 

I think I still need to meditate a bit on the experience though.

 

Hopefully if I am ever in a similar situation I will react better, or not react at all.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So one of the things I have been thinking about is my tendency to fantasize about mastering certain activities.

 

I keep fantasizing that at some point in the future I will have mastered a certain activity, and this acts as a weak motivator for me to put effort in to doing so.

 

In fact I put very little effort in, partly because of my condition, at present I am only really able to apply myself in a concentrated manner for about forty five minutes a day. The rest of the time I just sit in a zombie state of fantasy, smoking cigarettes one after the other.

 

It occurred to me recently that the pleasure I get from fantasizing about mastering this or that is not really to do with the actual activity, but rather to do with the idea that once I master it I will command respect.

 

The attractiveness of one activity over another for me depends on the degree of respect from others it will incur.

 

I do not actually enjoy doing the activities very much, though applying myself a little does give me the satisfaction of having done something in the day.

 

One can never truly master a subject, there is always more to learn or practice, but one can reach a level above others.

 

However does that make one happy?

 

At one stage in my life I became very good at improvising on the piano, at a level above many others though not to all tastes.

 

Yet performing never really gave me satisfaction, never really made me feel happy. It was only ever from my peers that I got satisfaction, so being better than other people doesn't give satisfaction. In fact it separates one from other people, which is something I don't like.

 

So where does this desire for respect come from, and this feeling that I am not respected.

 

I think my peers do respect me, but my father doesn't in terms of viewing me as a success.

 

On top of this, my father is someone who has always commanded respect within his profession, or at least that is how his life was presented to me, largely through his own admission.

 

I think my desire to be like my father, for my father to respect me as a success, and by projection for other people to respect me as a success as they did my father, is largely responsible for my fantasizing.

 

At present, fantasy is the only thing that motivates me, and as I said, even then it only motivates to actually apply myself in the minimal way, although I always fantasize about putting in huge amounts of effort.

 

I don't think this is healthy.

 

Whether putting in large amounts of effort is a good thing or not, or whether one should only do what is necessary at any given time is a mute point.

 

What is necessary after all?

 

Putting in effort takes one somewhere new, but the destination isn't necessarily better.

 

However the journey of putting in effort can be rewarding, certainly more rewarding than doing nothing.

 

I'm not sure how to motivate myself without fantasy. I have no real ambition other than to be someone who people respect.

 

I think the key to this is to respect yourself.

 

My condition makes it difficult to respect myself, I don't work, which automatically makes me feel lack of respect and dignity for myself, but I can never seem to apply myself to work for any length of time either, regardless of whether I am sane or not.

 

Of course when I am relapsing I cannot work at all, I am in another world, completely dysfunctional and not in any position to apply myself. But this too is rapt up in my tendency to fantasize.

 

I don't know what to do about this other than to just note it at present.

 

Trying to apply myself each day, even if only for forty five minutes, is a start, which I have been doing.

 

I am not unhappy, so perhaps there is no real problem, but I'd like to find a way to motivate myself that doesn't rely on fantasy.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I spent my postgraduate days studying the foundations of calculus.

 

Between zero and one, neither of which the Ancient Greeks believed were numbers, since neither has parts, only in combination do parts emerge, only through relationships.

 

Calculus consists of two polarities, differentiation and integration, separating and combining, which is the nature of all relationships.

 

We choose to separate and combine ourselves in different ways.

 

My porn use has separated me from having relationships with other people in innumerable ways, largely because I have kept it secret.

 

That secret, that separation, has built up over time, separating me more and more sexually and emotionally.

 

But it goes deeper than porn use. Anything that we do for ourselves separates us from others.

 

Clearly porn use is a selfish act, but so is studying, and I have spent much time studying.

 

I used to play the piano for myself, and unsurprisingly always came away unhappy after performances.

 

The only relationship I took pleasure in in playing the piano was competing with my guitarist friend who inspired me to improvise.

 

I take much pleasure in doing things for myself, but I also find it wanting.

 

I love teaching, for this is a form of self-reflection that also inspires others, but this is as far as doing anything for anyone else goes.

 

Reading through this I find a damning description of my ability to form relationships other than those in which I teach.

 

To be of service is the highest thing one can do, but I only serve myself.

 

I love others, but I don't serve them.

 

I always give if it is easy for me, but never when it is hard.

 

Reading through this I feel like I am starting at square one.

 

I was going to write about how I see the balance between combining and separating in my life, how I continue to separate myself from others despite quitting porn, and how I combine with others according to my level.

 

Perhaps that is what I have written about.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm reading about how to develop charisma.

 

The first trait that the book identified I feel I already have, a genuine interest in other people, however it describes how one can deepen that in conversation by asking follow up questions to the questions you ask. Not just asking one or two questions deep into something someone is talking about, but several.

 

I tried this with a friend and genuinely noticed a difference. The friend was surprised I was so interested in them and jumped at the opportunity to open up more.

 

It actually took me out of my comfort zone, I wasn't used to giving so much of my attention to someone, and made me realise that though I am genuinely interested in other people, it is usually in relation to myself.

 

Letting other people shine is one of the key traits that the book identifies to charisma. This isn't just about asking questions, it is about making them and their interests centre stage. This is quite different from most of my conversations in which my interests are centre stage and I ask questions in the hope of drawing the conversation round to my interests.

 

Indeed I noticed that the other day with my brother, I found myself resentful that he was talking about things that interested him, not consciously resentful, but I did feel irritated. I wasn't interested, it didn't relate to me.

 

This mode of selfless conversation is something that I am going to have to work on. I pride myself in being interesting, I take pleasure in espousing my thoughts. It seems charisma depends on the opposite approach, taking pleasure in other people espousing their thoughts.

 

I don't think I'm completely one-sided here, but I do normally like to frame the discourse my way.

 

There are many other traits the book identifies as giving rise to charisma, and I would like to work on them too, but I think being selfless in conversation is the first step.

 

Of course this is my journal so I am talking about myself here, I don't know if I can practice selfless conversation online, but I am going to make the effort with my friends and family from now on.

 

Other traits include body language, not being afraid to take a stand on what one believes to be true and allowing oneself to be vulnerable.

 

All of these I find wanting in myself as well, but I have heard that when making changes, it is best to focus on one thing at a time.

 

I will update with my progress in these matters if there is any, examples of where I have put the ideas into practice and what reaction I have got.

 

Anyway, I'm staying sane at the moment which is the top priority.

 

Thank you.

[Rayce]

kudos... I am glad to see you are keeping up with this. I bet it's helping you a lot. Keep up the good work!

[Gagis]

Thank you for your kind words of support Rayce, they are much appreciated.

 

So I'm a bit worried.

 

I've gone long periods of time without porn before, largely by becoming asexual. My libido has simply ceased to exist.

 

Then, if after some time I have thought about trying to find a girlfriend or partner, I have tended to go back to porn because although I may have left it behind, it is easier to return to than learn the new skill set needed for real sexual relationships.

 

My secret porn use and shame has caused me to be automatically very defensive about sex.

 

The other day, I noticed two women looking admiringly at me, and I automatically tensed up, my body language became defensive, and I felt under pressure and stressed.

 

This is typical of my reactions to a woman finding me sexually attractive, and it doesn't get any better even if I am actually dating the woman.

 

Thus besides leaving porn in the past, I need to actually rewire myself and my reactions.

 

The schizophrenia doesn't help, but thankfully I have been mostly sane for about three months now.

 

Indeed the slight bouts of insanity I had, you could call more spiritual experiences, than schizophrenia, as they were not really negative.

 

On the other hand, my reactions to women finding me sexually attractive are a form of mental illness in themselves, a neurosis or the like.

 

I haven't pursued the therapy as of yet, because I could only afford to do it on a monthly basis, and the therapist said that with my condition it would have to be weekly. I got the impression that he was being sincere and not just after my money. I liked him.

 

Anyway, I should probably start internet dating again, but in the past this has triggered my schizophrenic symptoms, and I want to get to a better place with myself first.

 

However, I do want to start to lay the foundations for rewiring my reactions to sexual attraction, without going back to porn.

 

I'm not sure how to do this without actually dating. I have stopped calling the woman I was dating and she seems to have stopped calling me, largely because nothing was happening.

 

Talking about it is surely a first step, but I only ever seem to be able to talk about things after they have gone wrong, rather than before, at least in an analytical way.

 

This in itself is a bad habit of mine, analysing past mistakes, rather than making good decisions in the present.

 

Right now I am focused on staying sane and maybe getting to a place where I can work.

 

Work doesn't actually help me stay sane, but it does make me feel better about myself when I am invested in achieving its aims, giving me a sense of dignity that not working doesn't do.

 

I am blessed at the moment to have the time needed to recover.

 

I am staying sane for longer and longer periods at the moment, and I am hopeful I will reach the stage of not relapsing again.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am thinking about my judgments of failure an success.

 

I tend to focus on failure, with judgments of success being short lived.

 

My father has a slogan "could do better" which he applies to himself, and tried to instil in me, one can always do better.

 

He always succeeds in what he does, but with me he doesn't.

 

That is part of the relationship dynamic, but I also wonder about my relationship to judgments of failure and success.

 

Having been addicted to more than one thing in my life, and tried countless times to give up, I am used to failing.

 

The failures always stick in my mind, and I have come to accept that failure is a part of life.

 

There is a book called Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better. I haven't read it, but it sounds very much like how I lead my life.

 

Yet the slogan, "could do better", doesn't imply failure, only that there is always something better one could do.

 

I have always judged my father a success, and tried to live up to him, and have always failed, I simply cannot be him.

 

With regards to sexual relationships, failing better has been a very long process of tiny incremental improvements.

 

Same with my career since developing schizophrenia.

 

In fact the real issue has been the schizophrenia. It is that that has stopped me from having sexual relationships and a career successfully.

 

The root cause of my schizophrenia has been my porn addiction combined with identity issues, or rather, judgements about my identity.

 

I have misjudged life terribly, and payed the consequences.

 

I may be wrong, but I have noticed, most people don't judge themselves to have been a success.

 

I wonder whether there is some chemical reason in the brain why this is so.

 

Why success is so fleeting, this year you are the world's 100m record holder, next year you may come last.

 

I am staying sane at the moment, I have quit porn, I am succeeding.

 

I don't know whether I need to change my attitude towards failure and success.

 

I don't even know in which way to change it that could possibly help.

 

But I have observed my absolute sense of failure with regards to sexual relationships, and am wondering if I actually set myself up to fail because of that.

 

Certainly this has been my experience with addictions.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I was just sitting in a café and two young women, about my age, came and sat down. One I found very attractive, the other less so.

 

I felt fear, and uncomfortable just observing, holding myself back from pleasuring myself.

 

That sounds a bit extreme, I don't mean actually masturbate, but in a way I do, since I have trained myself over the years to acquire sexual pleasure through masturbation.

 

There are other ways to pleasure oneself, and the thought of masturbating never crossed my mind consciously, I am just saying that the repeated behaviour with observing sexually attractive women and pleasuring myself has been masturbation, not sex, touching, or even flirting.

 

I am just writing the extreme description of the reaction, why I felt uncomfortable at the deepest level.

 

The simple fact was that I was holding myself back from engaging with the women, from expressing myself. Nothing to do with masturbation, I didn't want to masturbate, I wanted to engage with them, but I did want sexual pleasure, or to increase the sexual pleasure, since I was already being stimulated visually.

 

Even looking, I was holding myself back from, since looking leads to engagement.

 

Why was I holding myself back?

 

I have always assumed that women's reactions to me will be negative, either fear, irritation, anger, verbal abuse, even violence.

 

I don't understand why women don't approach me, why they don't seek to engage with me.

 

Whenever women have engaged with me they have taken on a superior role.

 

The few times they haven't and have been submissive, I have been at a loss of how to respond.

 

The only time I ever had a sexual interaction was when a woman was submissive and forward sexually at the same time.

 

Why this doesn't happen more often I don't know.

 

Indeed I don't quite know the magic combination, it kind of made me feel sad, feel compassion for her, feel that she wanted me to touch her to make her feel better.

 

I have always assumed that women don't feel this way.

 

I wouldn't want them to feel that way all the time, but I guess that comes down to distinguishing between the woman one is with and the women one isn't with.

 

With regards to these two women, I thought why did there have to be two of them.

 

Then I thought, if there was only the one I found very attractive, I would feel even more uncomfortable and be holding myself back even more.

 

The assumption is that they will respond negatively to me.

 

I thought about complementing them.

 

I thought about offering to buy them a coffee each.

 

I held myself back from both these things, with the assumption that ultimately the response would be negative.

 

Fear is linked to pleasure in the brain.

 

The same region of the brain, known as the amygdala, is responsible for generating the chemical reactions of both fear and pleasure.

 

Pain, anger, irritation, these are generated elsewhere.

 

My assumption is that pain, anger, irritation, will be the response to fear is thus unjustified, yet I have always assumed this will be the response to me trying to engage with women sexually.

 

Indeed I don't even assume they will be frightened, simply annoyed or irritated.

 

I don't want to cause fear either, yet in a way, when I did have a sexual interaction with a woman, she was frightened of me initially, and that changed to pleasure.

 

That is in fact the true nature of the amygdala, the reward centre of the brain that deals with pleasure. Fear is a fundamental component of it.

 

I have observed this in myself, the most extreme pleasure I have encountered with porn is when I have feared looking at it.

 

The more fear beforehand, the more pleasure.

 

But fear on its own, without pleasure, is not pleasant, and one half of the amygdala deals only with fear, whilst the other half deals with both fear and pleasure.

 

Joy, laughter, is something else, and not linked to fear.

 

The biological explanation is quite useful.

 

But I still don't understand the biology of anger or irritation.

 

Why I assume that the reaction of women will be anger or irritation I don't know.

 

Perhaps it is because of all the anger and irritation I have had with myself for being a slave to porn and masturbation all these years.

 

Perhaps, also, it is because I am feeling irritated that the woman isn't performing for me and I am projecting that on to her.

 

I have trained myself in instant gratification sexually, through porn use over the years, and perhaps I am also irritated that I can't get that in real life.

 

In the sixties, during the sexual revolution, some extremists had slogans like "there will be sex in the streets".

 

But the sexual revolution is said to have been damaging to women.

 

Indeed the response by women to the sexual revolution of the sixties, was the feminism of the seventies with its anti-men slant, without wanting to generalize.

 

Of course, there was still sex, people still fell in love, but I think it's fair to say that men were seen to be the cause of women's problems in the general discourse of seventies feminism.

 

I should probably have offered to buy them coffee.

 

I think the real issue is the expectation of instant gratification, and the belief that I cannot be gratified instantly sexually right then and there, which is the norm in society.

 

I have basically trained myself through porn use to have no foreplay, no flirtations, only searching and overcoming fear.

 

All of this is just experience.

 

I didn't approach the women, I assumed they wouldn't want me to, and I felt frustrated by these two things.

 

I assumed that I would find their conversation boring, since it was sex that I was after ultimately, and I assumed that I would be boring, since ultimately I didn't want to converse.

 

Porn use really has messed me up.

 

The only way to rewire is to take the plunge and try new ways of living.

 

But that means changing my assumptions and expectations.

 

I don't think it is possible to have no assumptions or expectations, but it is possible to not think about the consequences, to act instead of think.

 

There is nothing wrong with thinking before hand.

 

For example, I thought, I could buy them a coffee.

 

It is the thoughts that came after that that I don't really want.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I've been trying to understand the biology of the various responses to the approach of someone you don't know.

 

Aggression and irritability are generated in the pre-frontal cortex which is connected to the amygdala.

 

The amygdala can trigger the pre-frontal cortex when it chooses to respond to something new in aggressive way.

 

However, I couldn't find out how this choice takes place, what causes it to trigger the pre-frontal cortex.

 

Not could I find out how the co-operative regions of the brain are linked to amygdala, though research suggests that the amygdala does play a role in triggering co-operative responses.

 

The amygdala has two hemispheres, one that deals with pure fear, and the other which deals with fear and pleasure in combination.

 

Fear is the basic response to the unknown, pleasure is the response that says to pursue it.

 

I don't understand the brain chemistry behind when the response to an unknown is aggressive, co-operative, or withdrawal.

 

I don't know if I need to, but I feel it would help.

 

There are social norms that dictate the type of response to an unknown.

 

With regards to flirting, I don't really know them.

 

I always assume the woman will either be irritated or bored.

 

Co-operative behaviour is linked to so called mirror neurons and a mentalizing part of the brain called the anterior part of the right temporoparietal junction, located where the temporal and parietal lobes of the brain meet.

 

I guess therefore, the way one mentalizes someone else and reflects them determines the degree to which you and they will end up co-operating.

 

Thus, by assuming that the woman will either be irritated or bored, I am essentially setting up the situation through mentalization to manifest this behaviour.

 

The fact that women are capable of being irritated or bored does not mean that they will respond in that way, how they respond depends on the form of co-operation, the mutual mirroring and mentalization.

 

I need to form a mental image of sexual relations that I am both happy with and that reflects the mental images that women are happy with.

 

I keep feeling that I am a long way from doing that, which is mentalizing in itself.

 

I am unhappy with my mental image of sexual relations because it is based on my years of porn abuse and failure to have real sexual relations.

 

I need to forget about the past and start afresh.

 

But I don't know where to begin.

 

As I said yesterday, I probably should have just offered to buy the two women a coffee

 

One thing I have wanted to do for a while, but have yet to get round to doing, is to read some romantic fiction to get an idea of what ideal mental images women have.

 

I think I'll try to do this soon.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I've been thinking some more about how I view judgment in life.

 

I don't like to judge, I don't like being judged.

 

The only time I judge people is when they are being judgmental.

 

This circular tit for tat is something that I have only just become aware of.

 

I have preferences, I like things, I don't like things, but I am generally quite accepting of other people's behaviour except when they are being judgmental.

 

Is this denying other people preferences?

 

Of course, if their preferences coincide with mine, then I don't judge them at all.

 

But I do question myself, why I prefer one thing to another, and what the correct judgment is.

 

The more accepting I have become of suffering, the more I have started to judge other people for judging suffering in a bad light.

 

I believe it is Buddhist philosophy to say this world is one of suffering.

 

The more accepting I have become of this, the more judgmental of other people not accepting it I have become.

 

I don't know if you can ever escape judgment, to simply accept everything.

 

I noticed my judgmental side in the context of other people judging today for the first time whilst sitting in my café again.

 

I overheard a conversation about the terrible direction the world was going in, and I found myself judging the people conversing for judging the state of the world.

 

I really don't know what to think about this.

 

Non-judgment is an ideal, judgment is a part of life, it is part of the suffering of life.

 

To have no opinions, no preferences, I'm not sure this is really possible.

 

To recognise that everything is equally valid is a slightly different way of stating the same impossibility.

 

But I am getting lost in philosophy and ideals.

 

I think I fear judgment, want to be judged good and a success, I think this is natural.

 

Increasing my level of tolerance for judgment is probably a way of progressing, but it is a never ending process.

 

Decreasing my own levels of judgment is probable also a progressive thing.

 

But accepting or at least recognising, that I and others are always judgmental in some way, is a step towards achieving this progress.

 

Thank you.