Self development journal

[Gagis]

So I rejoined an online dating website I'd been on before some years ago.

 

Last time I was on it, I got plenty of first dates, but nothing more, except one sort of Platonic relationship that lasted a bit of time before I had a psychotic relapse.

 

I'm much more relaxed about the whole thing now, but there has still been an element of getting consumed by the process.

 

The truth is, having not much experience with sexual relationships, I don't really know what I'm looking for.

 

Mostly, I think its just one big ego boost, getting to converse with members of the opposite sex, I otherwise wouldn't be.

 

Getting replies to messages I've sent, getting approached online by women, these things boost my ego.

 

The first dates are generally depressing, reinforcing my feelings of not being able to interact with women sexually, or of finding someone who could be my life partner.

 

We'll just have to see how it goes this time. If I don't try, nothing will happen.

 

I think I need to be clearer about what I want, but it gets confusing trying to separate legitimate desires from desires I've had related to porn abuse.

 

This is one of the reasons I got so hung up on judgmentalism the other day.

 

Anyway, I'll update if I get anywhere.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I got my first number, and am quite terrified of calling it.

 

There are two reasons for this, one I want to make a good impression, and two I'm not sure I'm really in to her, though I like what she's written so far.

 

I'm not really sure why I'm doing this, more and more I'm convinced that the whole purpose is just one massive ego boost.

 

When I first joined an online dating website a few years ago, I used to go on a lot of dates because I thought it was good practice.

 

But all except one never led to second dates, and I never even held hands let alone kissed with any of the women. Now I'm wondering if there is any point. I obviously had the wrong attitude.

 

I still think its worth trying, as if you don't try, you don't succeed.

 

I need to stay positive. I don't want to share too much about potential dates online, but might update after I've made the call.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm thinking more about my motivations for dating.

 

What am I really looking for?

 

Is it just a porn substitute?

 

With my condition, I don't think I'm in any position to be aiming to start a family at present, so what is the point in a relationship?

 

I have plenty of friends I can call upon for company, and to be honest, I usually get fed up with company after about an hour or so and want to go back to being on my own.

 

So again, what is the point in a relationship? Sex? Which comes back to my question at the beginning, is it just a porn substitute?

 

I do like company in small doses, and frequently seek it out, but I am far too much in love with my own ego, and my relationship with it, than with other people.

 

I am open to the idea of sharing a life with somebody, but realistically, I don't know what that involves.

 

My main aim in life is to understand and better myself, and I don't see how I can share such an aim with somebody else.

 

Company makes me feel good, it boosts my ego, and I like the fact that people confide in me. But as I said, my main interest is myself.

 

I'm aware that I'm being negative again, exaggerating my bad or selfish points, and this isn't the right attitude if I want to be successful at dating.

 

I want somebody to love my ego as much as I love it.

 

With my ex-girlfriend, she actually loved me, and not my ego. That definitely was better and more fulfilling.

 

Ideally I'd like somebody who loved both.

 

I think I just want to be worshiped as I worshiped my father, but really I want somebody on the level to have a relationship with.

 

The ego wants to be worshiped, the soul wants somebody the same as it.

 

Then there's sex, which I associate with porn and dirtiness.

 

I keep hoping that I will meet the right person, and that it will open my mind to a whole new world of fulfilling relationships.

 

I know I'm looking for what's wrong, when I should be looking for what's right, but I'm so inexperienced there isn't much right to build on.

 

I think a lot of my negativity stems from seeking forgiveness for my porn abuse and psychotic excesses.

 

I've forgiven myself to a large extent, but I still think most people would judge me badly, and so want to pre-empt them.

 

So, enough self-flagellation, I'll try to post only positive stuff in future.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

Nobody seems to be chipping in with advice

 

You're probably all overwhelmed with boredom by my banalities masquerading as philosophical self-analysis or scared off by my condition.

 

I'm not too bothered, it's nice to have somewhere to journal, but I do welcome comments or criticisms, otherwise I feel like I'm just writing for myself, which of course I am to an extent

 

Anyway, if anyone has anything to add, please feel free.

[Rayce]

Actually I have been enjoying your post. Wasn't sure if you were looking for feedback though. thought it was more of a place for you to just journal... rest assure... I will pipe in once in awhile now.

[Gagis]

Thanks Rayce, I appreciate you taking time to respond

[Gagis]

So the first phone call went terribly, which is a shame because she sounded really nice.

 

Basically I told her over the website that I had a health condition and she said she'd like to discuss it over the phone and gave me her number.

 

When I told her I had suffered from schizophrenia, I could tell she was shocked and she was lost for words.

 

The whole experience really was very sad, I wanted to cry afterwards.

 

Anyway, I've changed my profile to say that I have suffered from schizophrenia, which is the same thing I did last time I was a member.

 

I'm not that bothered, last time I was upfront about having suffered from schizophrenia, putting it on my profile, I still got a lot of dates, so we'll see.

 

I'm in a much better place than I was last time too, and though I can't remember what I put before, hopefully I haven't worded it too badly this time.

 

We'll just have to wait and see. I think I'll only stay a member for a month or so. It really is much better to meet people in real life I have found, but as I said in previous posts, getting approached by women, even if they just click like on your profile, is a huge ego boost.

 

Of course, if all the interactions are going to be as depressing as this last one, then I don't want to bother.

 

Hopefully now I've stated my condition upfront it will bypass all that.

 

Will update my progress if it seems appropriate,

 

Thank you.

[Rayce]

I am sorry Gagis that she reacted the way she did. I am sure it is because of lack of understanding about schizophrenia. I know very little and would be scared if some guy told me right off the bat that he suffered from something. Do you really need to mention it in your profile or right off the bat? Maybe that information could wait until after a few dates.

[Gagis]

Trust me, it really is better this way, without waiting or any attempt at subterfuge, then everyone knows where they stand. There are just too many questions that I'd have to brush over, and if I don't put it on my profile straight up, then by the time it comes to tell them they feel cheated. In fact I've already had a positive response from somebody else and she looks nice so I know this is the best way.

[Gagis]

So I had my first date the other day, it didn't lead to a second.

 

There was nothing wrong with it, just a bit dull, no spark.

 

Personally I think that most OLD daters are looking for too much on a first date, in my experience. I think love is something you have to work on, and doesn't come instantly, you can't tell on a first meeting whether or not your likely to be able to form a long term relationship, unless there are some obvious extremes of good or bad, which are unusual. Most of the time when you meet somebody new, it's just quite pleasant.

 

The lady in question was quite interesting in the things she was doing and had done, but that isn't the basis of a good relationship either.

 

I was probably quite boring, plus I still feel uncomfortable with anything related to physical attraction, and given that I'm not working at the moment or doing anything much productive with my time on top of my condition, I lack confidence.

 

I caught myself laughing nervously at times and thinking that my body language was terrible, besides worrying about how I dressed and looked.

 

So it was pleasant enough, but I won't be seeing her again, indeed she's already blocked me, after I wrote to her afterwards to say how nice it was meeting her and wishing her luck for the future.

 

I didn't do anything wrong, but she'd already made it clear at the end of the date that she didn't want to pursue it any further, so perhaps I shouldn't have written her a goodbye message. I don't know, blocking seems quite extreme, as I said, I didn't do anything wrong, certainly I didn't go psycho on her, I was quite sane and polite, if anything, just very underwhelming.

 

So I don't know, I'm chatting to a few other ladies on the website, maybe something will materialize.

 

I'm only going to stay a member for a month, I think. Not having established my life as a non-dependent yet doesn't put me in a very good position for a long term relationship and this particular website doesn't seem to attract women interested in short flings, or one-night-stands, even if that was what I wanted.

 

The last lady I was dating who has known me for about twenty years, said I seemed much cooler about male-female relationships now than I used to be, much more able to handle myself.

 

As I said, they still make me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I've only had sex twice in my life at the age of thirty three. That was six years ago. I used to be very hung up about sex, until I finally had it, blaming my virginity for my psychosis, when in fact my psychosis was to blame for my virginity

 

I'm still very unsure of myself with regards to physical attraction, but I know that sex itself is not such a big deal, at least, I can live without it.

 

I'm still scared of my desires and doing the wrong thing.

 

It's not that my desires are kinky or anything, it's just that I worry that they won't be reciprocated.

 

I get very self-conscious just making eye-contact.

 

Maybe you do just have to wait for instant chemistry, certainly with my first and only girlfriend, we had that.

 

As it goes, I'm quite happy just corresponding via messages to the ladies I'm chatting to at the moment, not too bothered about dates, which I have negative expectations for anyway.

 

Chatting online is safe, I even feel more able to flirt and be suggestive from the safety of a computer.

 

We'll just have to see how it goes.

 

I'll update again if I feel its appropriate,

 

Thank you

[Rayce]

I am sorry it didn't work out. Try not to take the blocking personally. I do it myself after 1st dates if I know I am not interested. I think that is just the nature of OLD dating.

[Foxhall]

So I'm reading about how to develop charisma.

 

The first trait that the book identified I feel I already have, a genuine interest in other people, however it describes how one can deepen that in conversation by asking follow up questions to the questions you ask. Not just asking one or two questions deep into something someone is talking about, but several.

 

I tried this with a friend and genuinely noticed a difference. The friend was surprised I was so interested in them and jumped at the opportunity to open up more.

 

It actually took me out of my comfort zone, I wasn't used to giving so much of my attention to someone, and made me realise that though I am genuinely interested in other people, it is usually in relation to myself.

 

Letting other people shine is one of the key traits that the book identifies to charisma. This isn't just about asking questions, it is about making them and their interests centre stage. This is quite different from most of my conversations in which my interests are centre stage and I ask questions in the hope of drawing the conversation round to my interests.

 

Indeed I noticed that the other day with my brother, I found myself resentful that he was talking about things that interested him, not consciously resentful, but I did feel irritated. I wasn't interested, it didn't relate to me.

 

This mode of selfless conversation is something that I am going to have to work on. I pride myself in being interesting, I take pleasure in espousing my thoughts. It seems charisma depends on the opposite approach, taking pleasure in other people espousing their thoughts.

 

I don't think I'm completely one-sided here, but I do normally like to frame the discourse my way.

 

There are many other traits the book identifies as giving rise to charisma, and I would like to work on them too, but I think being selfless in conversation is the first step.

 

Of course this is my journal so I am talking about myself here, I don't know if I can practice selfless conversation online, but I am going to make the effort with my friends and family from now on.

 

Other traits include body language, not being afraid to take a stand on what one believes to be true and allowing oneself to be vulnerable.

 

All of these I find wanting in myself as well, but I have heard that when making changes, it is best to focus on one thing at a time.

 

I will update with my progress in these matters if there is any, examples of where I have put the ideas into practice and what reaction I have got.

 

Anyway, I'm staying sane at the moment which is the top priority.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Hey ,had not checked your posts in a while,

 

good that you are writing your thoughts down though and this post here lot of good points you make in it,

 

dont worry too much about the online dating, guys even with plenty of experience with women often struggle with online dates,

 

it took me nearly ten first dates to get a second one since I started trying it,

 

but its all good anyway, you are out meeting women and making conversation,

try to become a little more relaxed with each date, it should be fun at the the end of the day.

[Gagis]

Thank you Rayce and Foxhall for your kind comments.

 

I'm quitting the dating website this week, not because I haven't been enjoying it, but because it's been too much of a distraction from me taking steps to get away from dependency.

 

I currently don't work, so I'm not really in a position to support someone else and thus enter into a long term commitment.

 

It's not impossible, I could enter into a relationship and then move away from dependency after that, but that seems to me to be the wrong way round, and I guess it would seem that way to most women as well, at least when they're shopping for a potential partner on a dating website

 

I've made one long term contact which seems to be going well, we're texting every day. Maybe something will develop out of that.

 

I've been a bit put off dating this way, although Rayce and Foxhall's comments have made me feel better about it, because women on this dating website seem to want to find instant signs of potential for a long term relationship, and having quite a complex situation, I don't exude instant attraction in that sense.

 

The website isn't one of these ones that people use for ONS or the like, like tinder. Being under sexed, there's an element of me that wishes it was, and maybe I should try something like tinder, but in truth, I know I'm not fulfilled by casual sexual pleasure, I think it's quite destructive, and I am looking for something more meaningful.

 

I've enjoyed messaging women, it's made me feel good socially, at least in the realm of internet relationships, but my last few messages with new people have started to go unanswered. I think that's because I've been talking about my misgivings about the dating website, which is what all the women who turned me down did, how it's too impersonal, and how it creates false expectations. It's pretty obvious really that such talk is a turn off. But I'm quitting it now, anyway, as I said, so I'm not too bothered if I don't make any new contacts at this time.

 

I think I will rejoin again in the future, when I've made some more progress towards getting away from dependency. It is quite fun, just too much of a distraction from me bettering myself.

 

My priority remains to stay well. I've had no real schizophrenic symptoms for over four months now, my record is six, so this is quite good going.

 

I'm really hoping I've got it under control and have recovered this time.

 

Recovery opens up a whole host of different problems like finding work. Thankfully, that isn't a problem at the moment, but it will be once I've proved that I am fully functional again.

 

I still have a lot of so called "negative symptoms". The word "negative" is used not to designate "bad", but rather those symptoms that lead to passivity, like not being able to concentrate for any length of time, look after oneself or having extreme apathy. Some of this is due to the medication.

 

Getting back into work will be a struggle, despite the fact that I'm highly qualified, primarily because of these negative symptoms. I need to find something that pays well for little hours, but I guess that's everyone's dream Having said that, some people like to be busy, especially if they're doing something they enjoy.

 

As I said, the experience on the dating website has been fun for the most part, despite some of the crushing experiences of rejection, which I guess is par for the course and you have to learn to get used to if you're going to get anywhere. It's even made me consider asking out people offline, though so far I haven't had the courage to do that yet.

 

I'll update with my progress in general relationships soon.

 

Thank you.

[Rayce]

Good morning Gagis. I completely understand your reasoning for giving up the dating scene right now. We are still in a world where the guy does most of the courting early in the relationship and that usually takes $$. Yes it would be better to have yourself established with work and having some $$ before starting a dating relationship.

 

I am concerned though you might end up being too isolated. Have you consider trying a Meetup group? Maybe you can find one that will give you an opportunity to be around a group of people and interact that way. I started some keyboard lessons a few weeks ago and next week I will be starting the group lesson. I'm super nervous about playing an instrument I don't know how yet with a group of people who may or may not know how to play either. It all about trying new things right?

 

Keep up the good work!

[Gagis]

Thanks Rayce,

 

I wanted to talk a bit about porn today which I am still abstaining from. However I caught myself fantasizing about it, and so want to try and detach myself from it by intellectualising it.

 

Porn plays on insecurities as much as attraction, perhaps more so.

 

Looking at an image of an sexually attractive person causes arousal. Linking that to fear causes more arousal.

 

I have mentioned the amygdala centre in the brain before, and how it modulates fear and pleasure to drive the reward system for learning behaviour.

 

Insecurity is a fear. With porn there is the initial fear of doing something shameful. That is usually the first trigger.

 

The second trigger is the hierarchical sexual relationship you have to the actors.

 

The way it plays on insecurities is to present fantasy situations about them.

 

These could be either sadistic or masochistic or some combination of the two.

 

In each case, the idea is that the hierarchy is disturbed or subverted.

 

This causes more fear which is modulated by pleasure as one masturbates.

 

The simplest form of subversion of hierarchy is to reduce an attractive real life person to an image which can be taken a step further by keeping and owning the image.

 

The next stage is fantasy, which is what separates pinups from porn, although one can fantasize about pinups. The real difference is that in porn the fantasy is provided for you.

 

Enter the male actor who also has a perceived hierarchical relationship to you.

 

Turning him into an image, also has subversive affects on the hierarchical relationship.

 

He may have a bigger penis, be a different "race", whatever that means, or be perceived to be more or less attractive than you in some other way.

 

Either way, whether you perceive him to be more or less attractive than you, the fact that he is the one having sex and you are not, plays on your insecurities.

 

How he treats the woman, whether he satisfies her more than you think you could, or abuses her, depends on whether one is masochistic or sadistic in the way one wants to subvert the woman's perceived hierarchical status.

 

There are other forms of porn where the woman abuses the man, in which case whether one identifies with the actors or not is again dependent on whether one is masochistic or sadistic.

 

Usually porn takes you through a combination of masochism and sadism as one experiences different momentary identifications according to one's personality.

 

Porn is not unlike other forms of fantasy whereby one fantasizes about being someone else or achieving great things or beating someone else in a competition or getting revenge on someone you think has wronged you. Obviously the sexual component, in particular the coupling with masturbation, makes it different, but nevertheless these are all examples of the behaviour of the fantasist.

 

The relationship between being schizophrenic and a fantasist is probably still not clearly understood. One could argue that the schizophrenic is the ultimate fantasist, although there are probably specific brain differences that mark them out. Being fantasist doesn't necessarily lead to schizophrenia.

 

Fantasy is a much easier way of dealing with insecurity than actually facing the fear in reality. With fantasy one is in control, or in the case of porn, the director is in control.

 

Fantasy is different from observation in that one imagines the consequences. With a novel, the lessons are learned from the observational parts, the fantasy doesn't teach you anything.

 

But fantasy does behave the same way as real life observational lessons, in that it engrains itself within us and stimulates the reward system. Just as with real life observational lessons, we repeat fantasies, growing them to fill our mental attention.

 

Fantasy gives us something to compare reality with. It is the way we deal with our insecurities without actually engaging with them in the real world. Whilst it can be pleasurable, it is ultimately unfulfilling, because it is not real.

 

I know that I am very prone to fantasy. Cutting porn out of my life is only the first step in moving away from being a fantasist and ultimately a schizophrenic.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So all these people going on about how porn is acceptable and everyone or most people uses porn makes me wonder if I am a prude.

 

I am certainly very uncomfortable around sex. The rush from orgasm has a hold on me, but to be honest, I find sex messy and distasteful.

 

I never even really felt comfortable with looking at penetration in porn videos.

 

For the most part I was turned on by the power dynamics stemming from aesthetic ideas of physical sexual attractiveness, and really never watched any porn videos long enough to see the actual sex.

 

The idea of the sexual power of a woman to have a hold on a man and her enjoying having such power was what turned me on.

 

Penetration somehow goes against this.

 

It is clearly an indication of my own insecurities.

 

I discovered the word demi-sexual which I think might apply to me.

 

I really struggle making sexual connections, even eye contact, without some emotional security.

 

I only really feel confident engaging with women in a flirtatious way at the moment from behind a computer screen, with the corresponding separation providing me with enough security to feel comfortable. Even getting to that point has been a long journey.

 

I still would struggle to talk about porn in real life, and I am so conscious of my immaturity with regards to sex, that I am scared to display anything remotely sexual in interactions.

 

People learn by making mistakes, but I feel I am too old now to be able to get away with being clumsy.

 

On an intellectual level, I know that sex is just another aspect of life, and indeed, especially since having sex, I don't think intellectually it is that significant.

 

But I know that it has lasting emotional repercussions, and most people struggle with emotions as they are very powerful.

 

The first time I slept with a woman (we didn't actually have sexual intercourse) she asked a female friend about me and a male friend, who was the most intense, and I simply said that even though I'd never had sex there was no problem we could sleep together if she wanted, quite matter of factly. She said that was sounded like it was so sleezy but she liked it, so we spent the night together.

 

Sleezyness is sex without emotion. It is the emotional part of sex that makes me scared.

 

Porn, and fearing being known to use porn, certainly created an emotional barrier in my mind, but I think my emotional struggles go back way further, and are linked to my difficulties with coming to terms with my different roots.

 

It's getting much less complicated now, and I'm much more happy in myself, having given up fighting battles related to identity. However, I'm still very immature when it comes to sexual emotions.

 

I'm sure I'll meet the right person eventually. Right now, I just want to concentrate on my recovery and being able to look after myself.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I've been experimenting with writing emails to my family to see if I can bridge the gap between my inner thoughts and preoccupations that I haven't shared with them for a long time, and find difficult to in conversation.

 

I don't know if this is a good idea.

 

It is easier to say things in writing, because you don't get interrupted or have to contend with the other persons reactions until after you have sent it.

 

However, that can mean that you say things that you are more likely to regret afterwards, that are misinterpreted or taken badly, whereas in conversation you would have the instantaneous feedback necessary to hopefully avoid this.

 

Part of me thinks that the disconnect I sometimes worry about is just me growing up and becoming independent, but I love my family so much and still want to share my life with them for many years to come.

 

We'll see whether writing to them helps or hinders the relationship. I guess it depends what I write.

 

I know that what would make my family happiest is knowing that I can support myself on my own, which is something I still haven't proved.

 

I've had no psychotic symptoms for five months now, my record being six, if I can make it to a year then hopefully I will start to transition into looking after myself better.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I have a tendency to over analyse until I hit an absolute, generally the absolute of free-will.

 

I am stuck on seeing people as "things" rather than "events".

 

"Things" you can manipulate, "events" you interact with.

 

And then we're back to free-will.

 

If people are events that we interact with, then we can't manipulate them, only share experiences.

 

But I still want to have specific experiences with people, like sex, or laughter, or interesting conversations.

 

How can this be achieved without manipulation?

 

I don't try and manipulate, but I do worry that I'm not experiencing the things I want from people and wonder what I can do to change that.

 

Can I interact in different ways? At the end of the day I can only be myself.

 

How can I achieve the experiences I want?

 

Nothing ever repeats exactly, not even the most accurate clocks. We see an experience and want the same thing for ourselves. It is a form of jealousy I suppose. But the truth is we cannot have the same experience exactly.

 

"Things" are absolute, "events" are relative.

 

Causation is based on things, one thing following another, it is the basis of manipulation.

 

I don't want to manipulate people, but sometimes I do want specific outcomes, like a phone call, or a hug.

 

I try and work out how to cause this to happen.

 

Thus I do think about manipulation, even if I try not to practice it.

 

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be,

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So maybe people aren't "events", though they certainly aren't "things".

 

The world is composed of events, and people are part of the world, but these are just words.

 

The problem remains, however, how to achieve experiences with other people that you want.

 

Some people talk about the law of attraction, you reap what you sow, or karma.

 

I don't know.

 

I have plenty of interesting conversations and am happy with that.

 

I laugh with people enough for me not to feel I am completely humourless, but I do worry about not having enough fun with other people.

 

I don't have sex at all. Having had sex twice, I'm not that bothered, but I still would like a family some day.

 

I'm sure everything will fall into place.

 

The priority is getting away from my diagnosis of schizophrenia.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm thinking about my need for approval, my need for validation.

 

No one can know you like you know yourself, and you cannot know anyone else like they know themselves.

 

Treating myself as an object, I am truly alone, everything I perceive stems from myself, including other people.

 

Treating myself as an interaction is the only solution to the loneliness of solipsism.

 

Relationships are the only thing that matter.

 

I constantly seek to be on the level, to avoid conflict, and to gain approval.

 

I fantasize about being great, gaining huge approval, yet that would mean I would no longer be on the level, it would mark me out as different from my peers, which is something I don't want.

 

This contradiction is one of the root causes of my schizophrenia, wanting to stand out whilst at the same time be the same as everyone else.

 

I have never taken pleasure in being better at something than someone else. In fact the opposite, whenever I have found myself in such a position I have felt as uncomfortable as being worse than someone else.

 

However I have always taken pleasure in outside approval, and I imagine that by being good at something I can gain more.

 

This is really the wrong way to look at it, approval comes from interactions, not from being some "thing".

 

My father always said, "if you're going to do something, do it well" as well as his maxim "could do better".

 

Thus I have never seen the point in repeatedly doing something unless your aim is to become good at it. I have never seen the point in practice for the sake of practice.

 

In reality, without needs, practice for the sake of practice is the only motivation.

 

Being in the situation where most of my needs are met, practice for the sake of practice is the only way forward.

 

Yet I still link practice to approval, and to achieving a level of mastery.

 

I cannot motivate myself much to do something purely for the sake of doing it.

 

I want people who are better than me to compliment me, yet at the same time I want to be the best.

 

I want to feel like I can help people who are worse off than me, yet at the same time I want to be on the level.

 

I want equality and inequality at the same time.

 

The fact is that life is always in such a state. Relationships are how we interact in such a reality.

 

Wanting to be some "thing" is pure ego or nafs, to use the sufi term.

 

Doing something to be something is not the same as doing something for the sake of it.

 

You gain approval for doing something that provides someone with something they value, however not always, you can literally be taken for granted or worse abused into providing more.

 

I think we are always seeking approval, whether it be from ourselves or from others.

 

I seek approval from others to remind me that I am not alone.

 

The mistake is to seek approval by being a "thing".

 

Perhaps acknowledgement is a better word than approval. Beyond being good or bad, what I really seek is someone who acknowledges me fully.

 

Thus we do things for attention, yet attention seeking is seen as a bad thing.

 

I have read that the bourgeois condition is described as being one of not wanting to sacrifice, to give of oneself.

 

Acknowledgement is not the same as attention. Acknowledgement includes attention and empathy.

 

Attention on its own does not provide acknowledgement.

 

Seeking acknowledgement from oneself is the only real way forward. When one acknowledges oneself other people acknowledge one.

 

Separation is a result of not acknowledging the things in oneself that other people acknowledge about you.

 

Separation is the result of seeing people as "things". Not being the thing that my father sees me to be is what has been driving my separation from him.

 

But it is I who is framing myself in terms of "things". I am perceiving myself as a "thing", rather than an "event" or "interaction" and this is a result of my interpretation of my father's scientific materialism.

 

Science deals with "things" and "events", indeed it confuses the two. Matter is made up of atoms, but atoms are simply energy interacting.

 

It is the same paradox as everyone being equal and unequal at the same time. It is the same foundation of life. It is beyond complete mathematical analysis.

 

What is interacting? Nothing? Something? Many things? Yet they themselves are interactions.

 

I am just writing. I am really over-analysing. I am doing something for the sake of doing it.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So analysis is a way of providing oneself with security in life, which is why I have had a tendency to over analyse.

 

I had a nice philosophical chat with my father yesterday. I've been writing emails to him, which has made communication a bit easier, because I have been able to lay out my thoughts to him in greater detail.

 

The result is better communication all round, so that is good.

 

I am thinking a lot about my parents aging. I am still so dependent on them, so the thoughts have partly been from a selfish point of view.

 

I truly believe that we can live as long as we choose, even hundreds or thousands of years, to the extent that anything is possible. Extremes are relative, but given that the consensus is that the maximum lifespan of a human is around 120 year at the absolute limit, choosing to live for much longer than that would be extreme, and extremes are more trouble than their worth.

 

This is because everything contains some negativity, so the more extreme, the more pronounced or extreme the negativity.

 

But as I said, it is relative, if one can come up with a suitable framework in which to live that long, it need not be perceived as being extreme.

 

Anyway, I digress, the point is I have been thinking about my parents mortality.

 

Just as we choose how long we will live, we choose how long the people in our life will live.

 

I have been wondering if my parents lives are coming to their natural conclusion, if I have experienced everything they have to offer me in this life.

 

My talk with my father was pretty abstract and basically added nothing new to my world view, whereas when I was growing up, everything he said helped to shape me and expand my horizons.

 

However it was nice, and comforting that we could agree and share some time together. I feel like I am improving my relationship with my father, despite moving away from the hero-worship of my childhood. It is becoming a different relationship, but it is also becoming closer than it has been recently, when I started to shed my illusions of his infallibility.

 

Today I had breakfast with my brother, which is something I often do at the weekend. Just as with my parents, I have also been questioning my relationship with my brother, which has seemed to become a bit more distant since he has become a father and has different responsibilities.

 

He is still obsessed with injustice, something I was obsessed with for many years, and something we both developed as we tried to make sense of our father's experiences coming from under the oppression of colonialism.

 

One of the things I agreed with my father about is that ultimately we are on our own. We manifest our own personal reality and everything in it, including the people in our life.

 

I know from my experiences of schizophrenia that one can change what one perceives in one's life radically. People can literally become strangers or have radically different personalities, depending on one's frame of reference.

 

The extreme changes of schizophrenia are usually, if not always, worse, because, as I said, extremes contain more extreme negativity.

 

Trying to change something as radical as how one perceives someone else's personality is very hard because of all the variables. One either changes it in an incremental way that is so infinitesimal that one doesn't notice the evolution or one changes it in a radical way that is so extreme that it feels like madness.

 

Questioning my brother's personality, my father's personality, my mother's personality, I am led to think how it could be different, how my frame of reference is manifesting it to be a certain way.

 

I simply do not know enough of the details to consciously make harmonious changes to them, so it is really futile to think about this.

 

People are what they are, and the best thing to do is simply make sure your interactions are always heading in the right direction.

 

When there is separation or conflict, it is best just to accept it and turn the other cheek unless one wants to make an issue.

 

Communication can improve the situation, but only if one focusses on what brings you together. Part of that involves stating your position, but you have to do it in a conciliatory manner.

 

I am happy with how my relationship with my father is progressing, and still love all my family.

 

I am still a bit frustrated with the differences that have emerged due to my experiences of schizophrenia, but these will heal.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So the day Fidel Castro died was the day someone threw a table at me.

 

I spent the following few months trying to work out whether he had faked his own death or whether there was any chance of resurrection within the framework of reality I was working with, but gradually realised I was happier this way.

 

It didn't stop me relapsing though.

 

Having explicitly stated my historical perspective, I am now in danger of relapsing again.

 

My priority remains to stay sane, come closer to starting a family and developing my independence.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So my last post was a bit crazy, and I was in danger of losing my sanity yesterday after going back over some issues that used to trigger my psychosis a lot.

 

I wasn't actually relapsing proper, but I was seeing a whole hidden narrative within the forum that was firmly grounded in fantasy.

 

Luckily today I feel much better have tried to firmly remind myself of how I'd been deluded like this before only to realise that none of it was true.

 

It just goes to show that identity politics is still a major trigger for me, and I'm much better off just ignoring it.

 

I firmly believe that identity politics affects us as much as we allow it to and stems from our egos desire to be something both in our minds and in the minds of others.

 

This comes back to not thinking of ourselves as "things".

 

To say that suffering is a choice neglects the fact that we might not be conscious of why we are choosing to suffer in a particular way.

 

The reason may be very deep, certainly for someone experiencing violence or oppression or acute sickness, the reason may seem to stem from before we were even born.

 

If you are caught in a war it may seem very had to see how you chose to be caught in it and even harder to see how you can choose to get out.

 

Seeing my condition as a choice has helped me to get better. It helped me yesterday to avoid descending into full blown relapse.

 

I'm not trying to belittle anyone's life challenges by saying they choose to indulge in them, rather I'm trying to say that it is within everyone's power to transcend their life challenges successfully given the right approach.

 

No condition is hopeless, is my point, unless we choose to believe that.

 

Anyway, I am staying sane, despite some level of paranoid fantasy yesterday, and hope to move forward towards my goals.

 

Thank you.

[Foxhall]

Fascinating stuff,

 

Personally I would love to observe your sessions with a therapist,

 

the area of psychology and counselling is probably my true calling,

 

anyways glad you are making progress,

 

best wishes.

[Gagis]

Thank you Foxhall,

 

So I know someone who is a recovered alcoholic but still has mental health problems from his time drinking, he is what is known as a "dry drunk" according to another recovered alcoholic I know who is doing much better.

 

My point is that it is not enough to quit an addiction, you have to move on from the damage it did to you as well.

 

I faced this today with anxiety stemming from my remaining shame of past porn use.

 

I wasn't simply addicted, although porn use is addictive for some, I have neurosis about it, and this is probably because I was genetically predisposed to schizophrenia from birth.

 

This is not another moan about my heritage. I am schizophrenic and genetics play a role, even if they manifest themselves in different ways according to the environment they find themselves in.

 

I don't know why I am so neurotic about porn use, I wasn't brought up with any religious dogma surrounding masturbation or porn, although I was brought up with feminist critique of porn, which maybe amounts to the same thing.

 

Stopping has been a long process of forgiving myself. Of all the issues surrounding porn, being drawn to so called "interracial porn" is the hardest thing I have found to forgive myself of. I became neurotic about porn first, then "race" and heritage, then finally so called "interracial porn". That was the progression.

 

Now that I am leaving all this in the past, I still need to make the transition to having romantic and loving real life sexual relationships, at least one, if it is meant to be.

 

This brings me back to the "dry drunk". He cannot work, he no longer drinks, but he is still dysfunctional in society.

 

Porn has still been causing me anxiety, I have still been worrying about being judged for my past actions, and memories of it have still been stirring me into feeling unstable and guilty.

 

I have still been finding it very difficult to separate the feelings I have surrounding porn from my feelings of arousal around real women, so I tend to block it all off.

 

I think I need to start imagining a situation where it is ok for me to feel arousal with a real woman and one that from that leads to a sexual relationship.

 

I don't know where to begin.

 

The only relationship I ever had was with an ex=stripper who had been in a Christian cult whose leader preached that people should have sex with non-religious people in order to convert them to Christianity.

 

This came after I tried praying to Jesus for a girlfriend.

 

I need to do better than this. I need to imagine a stable relationship with somebody, not one that is predicated on dysfunction with regards to sex.

 

As I said, I still don't know where to begin.

 

I can form friendships with women, I was always able to do that, but sexual relationships have eluded me.

 

I don't need to analyse why, I need to start imagining the life I want and need.

 

Thank you.