Self development journal

[Gagis]

So one of the things that I really struggle with is physical contact.

 

I just can't see how one moves from having a good conversation to physical contact.

 

I guess my grasp of body language is just lousy, both how I project myself and how I read others.

 

I'm certainly usually on the defensive, body language wise.

 

I fear physical contact, I fear being accused of uninvited physical touch.

 

I often think that what I'm lacking in a conversation with women is humour, but I also cannot imagine how humour leads to physical contact either, though I can appreciate how it makes you more attractive.

 

I've said in a previous post, that I'm always waiting for the woman to initiate physical contact. I always thought of this as me wanting to play the female role, but a female friend of mine said she thought it was a very macho attitude. I think the difference is I don't expect women to initiate physical contact even if I want them to. I'm defensive about it. A macho man expects and invites physical contact, they expect women to chase them. As I said, I don't expect it, quite the opposite, I expect women to reject me.

 

The only thing I can think of that would invite physical contact, apart from body language, which as I said I get all wrong, would be to verbally invite it, by talking sexually. But, though I'm less scared of doing that now, than physical intimacy, I still have a tendency to be a little defensive when talking about sex as well.

 

I think the biggest issue remains my confusion between not wanting to use porn and wanting to have intimate sexual relationships.

 

As I said in my previous post, I tend to block all arousal down the moment it arises, and this has come from my years of struggling to control my porn addiction.

 

Plus I cannot clearly differentiate between the sex in porn and the intimate sex with another person that I want to achieve.

 

I know they are different, but are they that different? They are both sex.

 

I don't want to have sex like in porn, but the slightest sexual flirtation reminds me of porn and then I shut down, not wanting to go down that path.

 

This is why I'm so defensive.

 

I'm still hoping that just giving myself some time and space, having now quit porn for good, will allow me to adjust, but I'm not getting any younger.

 

Also, following on from my last post, I need to be proactive in moving beyond the damage I inflicted on myself through a dysfunctional relationship with porn, not just wait for time to heal it.

 

Going on dates is a good start, but being proactive in moving beyond simply meeting women and being friendly is also important.

 

The trouble remains knowing how to be proactive, overcoming my fear and confusion, whilst at the same time not being out of control or overly clumsy in a way I'll regret.

 

I've got to take some risks, but I think that means not being so defensive, rather than actually making clumsy advances.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So had some mild symptoms today that could have potentially blown up.

 

I live in a house for mental health sufferers, although we each have separate flats, and I had been allowing one of them to use my wifi.

 

Yesterday he started blaming me for a problem with the wifi in a very paranoid way, so today I changed my wifi password stopping him from using it.

 

He then came and begged me to let him use it again, finally listening to my explanation for what the problem had been.

 

I refused to let him use it again, on the grounds that I didn't want any more hassle and was still annoyed with him for last night.

 

He does have mental health problems, but I thought that I didn't need a repeat of the paranoid accusations, so it was better for me to not let him use the wifi from now on.

 

However, I hate not giving when it is in the power for me to give. I feel like I have been very lucky to have such a supportive family looking after me all these years with my condition, and know that if I hadn't had them I would easily have ended up homeless and on the street.

 

Charity is an obligation in some religions, and when I can give, I generally do, even though I don't have much myself.

 

When someone asks for something and you can give it to them but say no, it is a form of confrontation, and so I went into fight or flight mode, and my senses heightened, which led to the symptoms.

 

I was literally shaking as I told him I didn't want him using my wifi anymore, feeling very anxious about the confrontation, even though we were both speaking softly.

 

Some people say there are no "shoulds" in this life, there are no "right" or "wrongs", and I sort of agree with that, every action contains negative and positive consequences.

 

So I don't know whether what I did was wrong, or whether my attitude towards the action was dysfunctional, but for whatever reason I felt stressed and started to develop the onset of psychotic symptoms.

 

I am generally very passive, avoiding confrontation, and rarely get into any. Asserting myself seems to bring conflict and problems into my life.

 

I don't know whether I need to learn to assert myself better and develop a thicker skin, or remain passive and yielding in all situations.

 

Generally when I'm psychotic, I find myself in a situation where I can't yield anymore, feeling very paranoid and oppressed.

 

Anyway, I'm feeling better now, but the slight symptoms were a reminder that I'm still quite vulnerable.

 

I will recover from my condition, things will get better for me.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm thinking about why I never get anywhere with dating, and I'm sure it has a lot to do with my conversation style and defensive body language.

 

When messaging or texting, with the added time of composition, I can always remain positive and even flirtatious if I make the effort.

 

Obviously here, in these posts, I'm being introspective, analytical and critical, but when I'm texting or messaging somebody from a dating website, I can generally talk the talk quite effectively.

 

Face to face is another matter. I always seem to express negative opinions, moan about things, or the like, and I'm very self-conscious and defensive.

 

It's taken me quite some time to get good at texting and messaging, and it is an easier thing to improve, since its not quite so instantaneous or in the moment, though I don't generally spend that much time over composition any more as it has started to come more naturally.

 

I'm not sure how to improve my face to face conversation style without becoming even more self-conscious in the moment.

 

Perhaps thinking or pausing before I open my mouth, taking more time, but I do that anyway, and still come out with negative and moany things.

 

I'm actually doing it now, in this post, but as I said, that is the point of these posts, it's not the right attitude when dating.

 

I need to work on my attitude, start writing more positive things here, things to build on rather than things to tear down.

 

I'm doing great at making initial contact. I know I can be a good friend. I just need to have positive opinions about things rather than seeing the flaws in everything.

 

I'm going to a taster session for an acupressure massage course on Monday. I booked it over a month ago, and have spent the last month finding theoretical reasons why I don't want to do it.

 

The course could be a really positive thing for me, but instead I've started thinking that any focus on health just manifests sickness in one's life, either in oneself or others on the grounds that nothing exists unless you put your attention on it.

 

I know I've had terrible experiences in the past with reality, but I really do need to start being positive in my opinions, to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty.

 

I think rather than watching myself in conversation, I need to develop a positive attitude beforehand to myself and my reality.

 

I can recover from my condition. I will meet my life-partner. And I can enjoy life.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I have always had a fear of being touched or touching someone else for anything other than mutual sympathy.

 

If I don't require sympathy, then I feel uncomfortable being touched, and if the other person doesn't require sympathy then I feel uncomfortable touching them.

 

I have a tendency to wallow in self pity and am always moaning to my parents and asking them for sympathy.

 

They have been at their wits end with it, but still they love me.

 

With this in mind, I think the acupressure course will be good for me, in that it involves touching people and being touched to help relaxation as well as for medicinal purposes.

 

I found the first class very good, but did get a little anxious towards the end. I found myself forgetting to breath, and then becoming self-conscious.

 

Learning to touch for mutual relaxation, to help someone relax with consent, to allow someone to help you relax, is something that I definitely need to do.

 

If I cannot even do that without anxiety, then I will never be able to move on to more intimate relationships.

 

Obviously acupressure is not meant to be sexual, and I didn't feel any sexual thoughts whilst participating in the class beyond anything I would when having an intellectual conversation with someone, but forgetting to breath shows how anxious I am about this issue.

 

I still think sexual thoughts are wrong. I still feel anxious about non-mutual feelings when touching or being touched.

 

I am hoping that as I progress through the course I will become more used to touching with consent for the purpose of instiling relaxation.

 

Forgetting to breath definitely showed me that this is still an unconscious issue for me.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm getting much better at text based flirting. It is really starting to come naturally to me. But I'm still pretty useless in person.

 

I'm still really paranoid about physical touch. Via text there is no opportunity for touching nor anyway of creating that opportunity except as some vague future event, but in person, the person is directly in front of you, and the possibility of touching is always there.

 

I don't know why I am paranoid about touching.

 

As I said in my last post, I really only feel comfortable touching for mutual sympathy, not for pleasure or even relaxation.

 

The only time I had sex, we were both in a bad way, and it felt like a mercy to both of us.

 

I don't know what to do about this, how I can learn to feel comfortable, whether it requires a change of mentality or work on my emotions.

 

I know that my previous porn abuse had a lot to do with how I have turned out, as has my attempts at disciplining myself away from it.

 

But I remember feeling awkward about being kissed by relatives from a much younger age.

 

It is almost as if I was born with this aversion to touch for anything other than mutual sympathy.

 

I can think of one event when I was very little that maybe put me off. I don't want to go into details as it's a bit personal. It certainly wasn't abuse, there was no intention of abuse, but I still remember it very clearly and perhaps it had a lasting affect.

 

Anyway, I have a couple of female contacts I am in regular text correspondence with, and I am happy with the way things are going. it is making me feel confident and great just keeping in regular contact via text messages.

 

Taking it to the next stage still worries me. I just don't feel comfortable in person. The best I can do is not care, but not in a confident way, so that means not in an attractive way.

 

Practice makes perfect, but being doomed to repeat mistakes is also possible.

 

I think I need to get my feelings sorted out before I date, rather than trying to do it during dates.

 

I'm still hoping the acupressure course will help, though obviously, as I have said, the aim isn't romance in such a situation, and it would be wrong to think it was.

 

I think I'm likely to have another date soon with one of the women I am texting. It will be a first date with her.

 

Hopefully things will go well, and I'll be able to go on a second date as well.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am wondering if I am worrying too much about my lack of sex life at the moment.

 

As I said, it took me a long time to realise that the reason I didn't have a sex life was because I suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, not the other way around.

 

I have had the condition for twenty odd years and I still haven't gone a year without symptoms.

 

It is more than likely that if I manage to remain sane long enough, eventually I will have a sex life.

 

I don't really need to do anything other than meet different people and be myself.

 

I'm motivated to write this after reading the post on the autistic person who practices PUA.

 

I've read some PUA stuff. The lifestyle doesn't appeal to me, but some of the techniques are quite valid in the initial stage of attracting someone you like.

 

The difference is that the aim of a PUA is not to form a relationship but just get high off of the initial act of attracting, to attract as many women as possible without bonding with them.

 

You can say that techniques are fake, but it is generally true, that, for example, a cocky but funny guy will have more sex than someone wallowing in self pity.

 

It is these kinds of truths that make PUA so appealing to those who want to experience more sex.

 

However, my aim is to meet somebody I can bond with as well as have a sex life. I don't even necessarily want a lot of sex, just the natural amount that a relationship would bring.

 

I have still been worrying about the fact that whilst I have been able to bond with many women over the years, I am now forty and have only had sex in my life twice.

 

This is a stupid thing to worry about, given that I have suffered from paranoid schizophrenia for the past twenty odd years.

 

I should just relax about the whole thing, and focus on my recovery. The rest will fall into place naturally.

 

I'm trying to recover from paranoid schizophrenia, not from being a near virgin.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm thinking about the difference between feeling entitled to sex and being sexually confident.

 

A big problem with porn abuse is that it tricks the mind into feeling entitled to sex.

 

At the same time I often thought that it was my porn abuse that was stopping me from having a girlfriend or sex, because I reasoned it was negating my entitlement.

 

Note, this wasn't saying that I wasn't fundamentally entitled, only that I had negated my entitlement.

 

The porn abuse was still tricking me into thinking I was entitled.

 

Confidence is different. It is not about feeling entitled it is about feeling that one knows what to do to earn sex and not feeling entitled if one is wrong.

 

Confusing confidence with entitlement is one of the biggest things that has let me down in the past.

 

As I said in my previous post, I am not trying to recover from being a near virgin, I am trying to recover from paranoid schizophrenia.

 

Part of that involves losing my paranoia stemming from false feelings about entitlement, and replacing that with confidence.

 

Thank you.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Gagis

[Gagis]

So I think I still don't know what confidence really is.

 

I think my previous definition, in my last post, is wrong.

 

I wrote that confidence was in part knowing what to do to "earn" sex.

 

This really is wrong. The idea of earning sex still implies a sense of entitlement, in this case that you only have to do XYZ and then you are entitled.

 

Sex does not come about through entitlement.

 

In reality, I think confidence is being comfortable that you are just the same as everybody else.

 

This is the best definition I can think of and I think it is correct.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am thinking about objectification, how I objectify myself, how people objectify my, and how I objectify others.

 

I read a debate between a White gay man responding to accusations that many gay men ape Black women, and a Black woman who was making such accusations. The White guy said that "we all want to transcend race" and the Black woman replied "I don't want to transcend race, I want to be recognised for who I am."

 

We all possess bodies, personalities, histories, heritage, many things that belong to us personally. Defining ourselves by such things is a form of objectification and is harmful. It reduces our infinite potential to a finite "thing". When people define us by what we possess they are essentially seeking control over us via objectification as well, again reducing our true selves, which is infinite, to a finite "thing" that can be controlled.

 

Being attached to possessions is generally frowned upon spiritually, but so is stealing. Stripping someone of their possessions, their personalities, their skin colour, their history and heritage etc. by aping them or denying they possess them, is a form of stealing or abuse.

 

Acknowledging that someone possesses certain attributes is a form of respect. It is respecting their possessions.

 

The mistake I have been making is to try and define myself by my possessions. But this has come about by me worrying about people not acknowledging what I possess.

 

I have always been very against what I have seen as the "Whitening" of Cypriots. This has and is being forced on Cypriots by the dominant racist norms. At the same time many Cypriots have sought to be identified as being "White" because of the perceived advantages it would give them within the dominant racist norm. Indeed I believe in South Africa during the Apartheid era some of them actually went to court or at least had to engage in the political debate to secure their status as being "White". I can see why they would do this, but to me this is a sell out.

 

I object to being identified as "White" because it is a denial of my heritage, even if it brings certain advantages. This is different from why most "Whites" object to being identified as "White". For them the reason is they want to disown their heritage.

 

My heritage is one of being identified under the dominant racist norms of being "non-White" as recently as my father's generation and too some extent still the case today. Many Irish have been through such changes of "Whitening" and many Arabs are not far behind Cypriots, who as I have said, are partly Arabic themselves.

 

There are cases of both some Japanese and Indian people trying to claim they are "White" in order to gain access to "White" privileges, with Indians being historically classified as "Caucasian" and Japanese often having very light skin.

 

I have never wanted the privileges of being defined as "White" that come at the expense of others. This in itself does not distinguish me from being "White" as many "Whites" also don't want privileges. The distinction is that I have wanted justice for the crimes committed by the dominant "White" society against my people, which continue today with the ongoing occupation of Cyprus which was initiated by the "White" imperialist powers.

 

Saying that I am now "White" means colluding with the very powers responsible for the occupation of my father's country, and thus makes me a traitor to my own people.

 

The mistake I have been falling into, is not rejecting being defined as "White", it is trying to define myself as something else in opposition. Trying to objectify myself, reduce myself to my possessions.

 

Acknowledging my possessions, demanding that other people acknowledge my possessions, is not a problem. Defining myself by them is.

 

The problem is that in a racist society, when you demand that someone acknowledge your possessions that do not belong to people who are identified as "White" then they feel threatened and start to define you by them in order to try and rest back control.

 

Thus even if you are not defining yourself by your possessions, the very fact that you are presenting possessions that are different, leads to others trying to define you.

 

This is the delicate path of asserting your right to your possessions and seeking not to be defined by them.

 

Christ said "give up everything and follow me". Should we then allow ourselves to be stripped of our possessions? There is a difference between voluntarily giving up what you possess and having it removed from you by force.

 

I think a lot of my trouble with dating has stemmed from me objectifying myself as different, defining myself by my different possessions.

 

This has been a general failure of me, not just restricted to "race". I have often over the years tried to define myself as a "mathematician" to distinguish me, or define myself by my accomplishments. I have even tried to define myself by my schizophrenic condition in order to stand out.

 

Having possessions is fine, defining yourself by them is not.

 

Acknowledging other's possessions is fine, defining them by them is not.

 

Porn has played a big role in my continuously falling into the trap of objectifying myself and others.

 

Identifying someone as "White" rather than saying that they merely possessing white skin, is reactionary, but not necessarily unjustified. It is seeking control over that person when they are abusing their power. It can be put down to self-defence.

 

I think it is a mistake to want to be identified at all and many people at the sharp end of the racist norms fall into this trap. My father has always told me not to define myself by my heritage or by any other possession for that matter.

 

Defining yourself in opposition is thus also reactionary, but again can be put down to self-defence.

 

To come back to dating, obviously, if you are practicing self-defence, you are not going to get anywhere.

 

Someone mentioned that in their experience, many young men with black skin were always pressurizing her and other young women with white skin for sex. The pressure is the result of both racism and reactionary response to racism.

 

As I said, the path is delicate. Other people are defining you. To "turn the other cheek" as Christ said, is the best policy, but it takes a very great person to do that in the face of extreme abuse.

 

In truth, I haven't really experienced extreme abuse, only mild annoyance, so my failure with dating women has been largely my own fault.

 

My attachment to seeing justice, for myself and my people, has led me to practice reactionary self-defence when it was not necessary.

 

Learning to not objectify in the face of being objectified, to dissolve and ignore objectification, has been hard for me, especially with women, and a large part of this has come down to my porn abuse over the years and feeling that I have to "be someone" in order to get a girlfriend.

 

As I said, it is not just "race" where I have fallen into this trap, though racism has been the root cause of my behaviour. Racism has also led me to believe that I have to define myself by my accomplishments in order to succeed in life. Indeed this is true to a lesser extent for many people living under the competitive ideology of capitalism. Possibly it is true for any system. There is always competition of some sort.

 

The pressures of competition and how people respond to it, vary from person to person. I have done very badly in learning to live in a competitive society with the possessions that I have.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm still thinking about objectification, this time in relation to attachment to possessions.

 

The other day a couple of guys tried to steal my bank card, and this really got me thinking about attachment.

 

If I had been a monk or a rishi would I have just given it to them? Is this what true spirituality demands?

 

I have been making excuses about people objectifying me, but in truth have I been too attached to my possessions and even been objectifying myself by reducing myself to them.

 

Such attachment is vanity.

 

But what if someone wanted to kill me, would I just let them do it, out of non-attachment to my body? That is the way of martyrs.

 

There is a common expression, "stop trying to be a martyr".

 

So long as we are conscious we are attached to something, so long as we are in this world we are aware of objects.

 

I have complained about people not respecting me, but have I really been not respecting myself or others.

 

Porn abuse has wired my brain towards disrespect, both of myself and others.

 

I am only now recovering with abstinence.

 

In truth it might never have got so bad if I hadn't fought it. Fighting creates a reaction, strengthening and escalating behaviour until one side wins. But it is impossible to win when you fight with yourself.

 

My porn use has been neurotic, on the one hand abusing myself, and on the other, fighting to stop abusing myself. It has caused me to develop paranoid schizophrenia.

 

This is what I am having to recover from.

 

Fighting porn abuse has caused me to objectify myself more and more even as I have objectified others more and more. They are two sides of the same coin.

 

Porn is a form of objectification. I always knew it was wrong. But one cannot escape the world of objects completely. What one can do is not get attached to objects. Not caring whether one gains or looses, lives or dies. Masturbation creates attachment, via the release of dopamine and other hormones/neuro-transmitters. But the same is true for all modes of inducing pleasure.

 

In Hindu philosophy, pleasure is what attaches you to things, this is the principle of kama (not to be confused with karma). It is one of the four pillars of life.

 

Perhaps then, I am looking to deeply at all of this, I am doing fine. I think I am still introspecting so much, because I am still worried about not having a girlfriend and trying to find "true" love without any objectification whatsoever.

 

I am really being fundamentalist with regards to love and sex. I don't know why. The neurosis I have built up over porn is probably at the root, but if that is the case, I want to know why I built up the neurosis in the first place.

 

Why? Why? Why?

 

Ultimately there is no answer other than "just because".

 

I am doing far too much introspection at the moment. It amuses me, but I need to start doing practical things as well.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am thinking about physical unity, why I have found it so difficult.

 

I think it is after years of fighting myself over masturbation.

 

Masturbation releases hormones/neuro-transmitters that promote unity and pleasure.

 

By fighting it, I have been fighting unity and pleasure, trying to separate myself from it.

 

This behaviour I have ingrained in myself to the extent that when I have the urge to unite with someone else for pleasure I fight it.

 

On top of this, porn is an object, not a living thing. So through masturbating to porn I have been ingraining in myself the promotion of unity and pleasure with objects, images, videos, etc.

 

Loving objects is a form of love. I believe the Ancient Greek word for this form of love is pragma. It is not in itself a bad form of behaviour. But combining pragma with rejection of pragma is a recipe for schizophrenia and dysfunction.

 

There is a difference between fighting something and ignoring it, reacting and turning the other cheek.

 

Trying to love and to not love a facet of life at the same time is neurosis, an attempt at controlling love.

 

Applying that to humans is bound to fail, it is an attempt to control the love between two people.

 

How do we love, how do we unite with other people? By ignoring the differences, the things that separate us.

 

We can never love everything. Only God loves everything, if indeed such a statement has any meaning at all. Jesus and the Christians that followed him elevated love to an ideal, to love everything, to be one with God. The original church laid this out clearly as the aim of Christians calling it theosis, to be one with God.

 

Ideals condemn, they are impossible to reach. We can never love everything. To try and love everything is the path of Jesus. It is not necessarily the only or best path. One can end up a martyr or worse.

 

Recognising that one cannot love everything is respect. Respect for differences.

 

One can appreciate differences, but one cannot love them.

 

Love that is not reciprocated is not love. Ignoring a difference that another sees is not respect.

 

I see a difference in myself which I cannot ignore. Thus I am not loving myself fully. I see a difference in myself which others ignore, thus I feel disrespected.

 

Ignoring the difference is the path towards love, but as with letting someone rob you, it is also a form of disrespect towards myself. It is the path of Jesus.

 

I am wondering to what extent I am Christian, to what extent I want to follow that path.

 

I was brought up without religion, to be a militant atheist even.

 

Practical life is choosing what to love and what to respect. This can and does change over time.

 

A marriage is a dance between the two, loving and respecting the other to different degrees.

 

I am still struggling to love physically. I have always struggled to love physically.

 

I'm not sure words can help me with that.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I have been texting a woman and now I have to phone her up and am worried that I will make a mess of it.

 

This is completely the wrong approach. It is objectifying the other person's personality, trying to anticipate how it will behave and make sure that I can control it to get the results that I want, in this case being liked.

 

I fear being unliked, being cut off, being rejected, being judged wanting.

 

This is standard rejection anxiety.

 

I just have to be myself.

 

But for years I have objectified myself and my behaviour.

 

I have continually judged myself to be wanting.

 

I have not been happy with how I have interacted with women.

 

I have not been happy because I have not gotten the experiences I have wanted from them, love, sex, hugs, kisses, etc.

 

I have been viewing the interactions through the lens of cause and effect.

 

This is the essential fallacy of psychology, the objectification of the personality.

 

Once the personality is objectified one can seek to control it. But there are no objects in truth, all objectification is an illusion.

 

The personality is alive just as much as anything else, embracing this and letting it live, rather than trying to control it is the way forward.

 

Trying to prepare for the telephone call is as much an attempt at anticipation and control as anything else.

 

Having some aims, being relaxed, these things can help.

 

I think my biggest problem is judging my aims. At a basic level I just want sex, I have everything else.

 

If this is all I want, why don't I just go to see a prostitute? I judge such an idea morally wrong, but can't distinguish my aim of wanting sex with a lady from this.

 

I want the lady to want to have sex with me, but I cannot dictate her wants, those are hers.

 

I am seeing things through the lens of transactions. I say something, she says something and so on.

 

At the end of the day I just want to feel comfortable, but I still feel uncomfortable sexually. The aim of sex makes me feel uncomfortable, like it is something wrong.

 

I'm not even sure if I want to have sex with the lady in question yet, I want to get to know her first. But this conflicts with my desire for sex with anyone.

 

I think it boils down to me being inexperienced with sex. Sex is always personal, and in reality a mature person doesn't want to have sex with everyone.

 

I feel like I should love everyone, in the universal sense, but as I said in my last post, this is an ideal, the path of Jesus, and ideals condemn because they are impossible to live up to.

 

Perhaps this is why Jesus is said not to have had sex, though there are some that insist he did.

 

Maturity is about knowing one's limits. Knowing that one cannot love everyone absolutely all the time.

 

What will be will be.

 

I need an aim that I feel comfortable with. If my aim is just to talk to her, then that is easy.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am wondering the extent to which my ego gets in the way of me forming sexual relationships, or is the reason why I am always having to initiate contact with my friends, not the other way around.

 

I really get confused on what the ego is. "Ego" just means "I" in Greek and I grew up with a smattering of Greek so for me the two words are more interchangeable in my subconscious at least.

 

Some people use the word ego to mean that part of you, or society in the sense of the collective ego, that judges your true self.

 

But my ego judges itself, at least I think it does, "I" and "ego" being the same thing to some extent in my mind.

 

Such self-reference gives me choices, just as it does in mathematics. People can look up so called "Godelian statements" if they like named after the mathematician Kurt Godel.

 

I think this is why I love my ego so much, or at least am so ready to forgive it. However, maybe I forgive simply because my fundamental nature is love.

 

Can one express oneself without judging? Isn't all expression a form of judgment, isn't all expression ego?

 

Even framing a question directs the answer within a certain degree of judgment.

 

Self-reference allows me to sculpt my ego, to try and get it to reflect to a greater degree. The more one reflects, the less one judges, but one is always judging to some degree, I think. Perception involves restrictions, a topology, and these are judgments.

 

Some people talk about "killing the ego", but I don't think one can interact without it. Without ego one just becomes a passive observer. In an absolute sense I'm not sure this is ever possible. There is always some form of perception or consciousness. Indeed observation is a form of interaction as quantum mechanics attests.

 

So even in the deepest of meditative states we have ego, maybe not words, maybe not even emotions, but some form of discrimination.

 

To come back to the statements I began with, that my ego gets in the way of me forming relationships, I think the problem is not that I have an ego, but rather, that I love it more than other people.

 

My ego comforts me, corrects me, rationalizes for me, defends me, entertains me, wants me, etc.

 

I am becoming convinced that I love it more than anyone else, and have done for a long time.

 

I think this is the real problem with me entering into romantic relationships or attracting friendly contact.

 

It is partly that I want to keep it for myself, I covet it, and it is partly that I elevate it above others.

 

That I try to keep it to myself might sound strange, since I am always sharing it, but I only share the best bits, trying to hide its ugliness. To allow others to truly love it means allowing them to see its ugliness as well as its beauty, allowing them to forgive as well as appreciate. I am scared of what would happen if I truly shared it.

 

Elevating it above others is the other fault. If I present a flaw, I don't allow others to correct it, I correct it for myself. I value my own judgments above other people's.

 

And finally there is the problem of focusing on the egoic part of other people rather than the person or soul him/herself. Loving egos more than I love people, and mine most of all.

 

I'm not sure what to do about this.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So in a couple of previous posts I've made out like I am some sort of freak when it comes to physical contact.

 

This is a major exaggeration, stemming from paranoia about my lack of sexual experience.

 

Basically I've been trying to find reasons, or perhaps excuses, why I haven't had much physical sexual contact with other people, putting it down to a phobia.

 

I'm quite happy making physical contact when it's appropriate, it's just I worry about what's appropriate and what's not.

 

The worry is a form of phobia, but psycho-analysing it is just making it out to be a bigger thing than it is.

 

I can give massages when asked, do partner exercises in t'ai ji, give my family hugs, and I do all these things fine, so long as my egoic worry doesn't kick in.

 

It is the interference of my ego that causes the uncomfortable feelings while engaging in physical contact.

 

I've realised that forgetting to breathe at my acupressure class was largely down to suffering shortness of breath due to smoking withdrawals rather than any unconscious phobia.

 

I do have a phobia of sorts with regards to physical contact, but I think it only kicks in when I think about it.

 

As a child I used to be very scared of being tickled, largely because of the anticipatory thoughts I had of the sensations. Now I find I can just relax and allow myself to be tickled and feel next to nothing. But this numbness, the opposite of my childhood fears is in a way just as bad, it makes me feel like I have no emotional connection to physical contact.

 

The problem is that my ego wants to be in control at all times. I cannot simply think and feel with my body without my ego or mind at least watching as a separate unit from my body. I cannot integrate my mind and body as one, or let my body dictate to my mind.

 

Letting the body make the decisions is the hard part. I am always repressing it with my mind. I have always done this, since I was very little.

 

This ties in with body language and communication between bodies. Two bodies can communicate without the ego interfering, indeed that is the only way they really are free to communicate. They know what is appropriate for each other, it is the ego that confuses matters.

 

Allowing my body to read another persons body and respond without my ego interfering is what I have always struggled with, having loved and developed my ego so much over the years, starting when I was very small.

 

As I said, in some ways I am making this out to be a much bigger issue than it is, indeed by writing this I am still feeding my ego with analysis rather than just relaxing about the whole thing and not making a meal out of it.

 

I can engage in physical contact appropriately and safely without my ego interfering, I just need to learn to trust my body more.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I don't know how helpful it is to write or talk about my phobia or uncomfortableness with regards to physical contact.

 

I can document it, for example yesterday someone took me by the arm and I felt very uncomfortable.

 

I can explain it as the interference of my ego, and me not trusting my body to take the lead.

 

But both these things are still egoic, still feeding the ego, and still assuming that the ego can take control and fix the situation, when in reality it is this assumption that causes the problem.

 

I actually was good at sex when I had it apparently, so much so that the woman I had it with accused me of lying to her that I hadn't had sex before.

 

I can be good at dancing, good at martial arts, good at massage, good at using my body.

 

But the moment my ego steps in, I feel uncomfortable.

 

I don't know how to address this other than partaking in more physical activities in the hope that somehow the balance and integration between mind and body will manifest itself.

 

I don't think the problem can be solved by my ego, it can only be solved by my ego getting out of the way and developing trust in my body's instincts.

 

I don't trust my body, and I think a lot of that comes down to my history of trying to control my sexual urges to self-stimulate. Yet sexual urges come from the mind as much as the body, or at least the brain.

 

My mind always kicks in first to try and control my body whenever I have some kind of physical interaction with someone else. Even when taking part in sports it often sabotages my body's efforts by trying to seize control.

 

Allowing my body to express itself, without the ego being critical or wondering the outcome of the interaction, means learning to trust my body, to have faith in its intentions.

 

I am really very sensitive, and that sensitivity feeds directly into the mind. I have been told my chakras are out of balance, and I have been wondering about doing yoga. I have also been wondering about doing acting for some time to work on the specific chakra that is weakest, the one that integrates the mind and body. Sport is also probably a good thing to do.

 

I'm not sure about t'ai ji which is martial and deepens ones sensitivity towards touch. I have done quite a bit of it, but doing a t'ai ji partner exercise recently with my teacher made me realise that whilst I have been developing a lot of sensitivity in my practice, I have made very little progress in grounding, which is perhaps even more fundamental to the practice.

 

I used to go salsa dancing, but I found the internal conflict between my ego and my body was quite exhausting and made me paranoid. In fact although there were times when it felt very good, most of the time it was just an exercise in learning to accept and not react to a great deal of suffering on my part from internal conflict.

 

Anyway, as I said, I'm not sure writing about it will help. I'm also probably making a mountain out of a molehill, trying to be super critical.

 

As I have said before, a large part of this is trying to find the fault or reason for me not having had much sexual interaction with women.

 

I need to come back to the primary reason which is that I have had a very serious condition of paranoid schizophrenia, and that more than anything is what has held me back from having intimate relationships.

 

Analysis can help me recover from this, but since it is primarily a mental condition, perhaps over analysis is one of the causes.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I have seen the term "narcissist" bandied about a lot on this forum and I am wondering how it applies to me...lol...case in point.

 

Google dictionary defines the noun "narcissist" to mean "a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves." and qualifies that with the statement "narcissists who think the world revolves around them."

 

The latter qualification certainly becomes very pronounced whenever I experience paranoid schizophrenic symptoms, but even when I'm sane I have "an excessive interest in" myself and I am often full of pride over my insights into myself.

 

Having said that, in conversation I always take an interest in the other person, but only one on one. When they are not focused on me, I feel uncomfortable.

 

This whole journal is very narcissistic.

 

I have been confronting this issue more now, having talked with an Orthodox priest.

 

A statement that stuck in my mind was "Christ founded a Church, not a religion".

 

In other words, to be Christian, which at present I am not, at least not any more than anything else in my mind, is to be part of a community, specifically the community of the Church or at least a Church with faith in Jesus.

 

One cannot be part of a community and be narcissistic, or at least one will always be on the fringes, and indeed this is how it has always been with me and my friends.

 

I am interesting to some people, and I do take an interest in other people. I am not exclusively interested in myself. But I probably do have an "excessive" interest in myself.

 

I am wondering now whether I should discontinue my journal, but that would probably not solve the problem as I would continue to dwell on myself, only this time within the confines of my mind, which could lead to greater chance of psychotic relapse.

 

Journaling, talking to people, these things help me to get the sh*t out of my head. However I am not really sure what the alternative to narcissism is. As I said, I do take an interest in other people. I give people my full attention one on one. It is only in groups that I struggle, or when someone is sharing something with someone other than me.

 

In truth I can be very jealous, and that is something I have to work on.

 

So here is another narcissistic post.

 

Thank you.

[Rayce]

lol... so your journal is a bit out there and sometimes I only scan it... still I really think it is good for you to keep it up... Of course I could be wrong because I don't know in you RL but... I doubt that you are a "narcissist". It's a lot more than just someone who is self absorbed. It's more about their behavior toward other people.

[Gagis]

Thank you for your vote of confidence Rayce

 

I've seen the term "narcissist" used in a pretty derogatory form on this forum indicating as Rayce says, someone who doesn't treat people properly.

 

I don't think I fall into that category, but I certainly spend a lot of time introspecting or naval gazing.

 

I'm nearing forty and have only been in one sexual relationship in my life lasting only six months.

 

This doesn't really bother me anymore, I'm quite accepting of not being in a relationship, indeed I realized during my one and only brief relationship that relationships are hard work. I really do appreciate the freedom I have being single.

 

I'm also not so bothered by the lack of sex. But what I am slightly regretful of and worried that I will really regret in later years, is not having got to the stage where I can start a family of my own.

 

To be honest, I am so far away from even considering that at the moment, that to talk about it seems stupid, but I do fantasize a bit about being successful or functional enough in life to start a family.

 

The main thing at the moment is just to stay sane, to try and recover, and I am doing better than I have ever done before.

 

Obviously, the first stage towards starting a family is to get into a long term relationship with someone.

 

At present I am not even able to get into a short term sexual relationship.

 

The other day I had to phone a lady for the first time to arrange a date. On more than one occasion I found myself being needlessly negative, complaining about the whether, or the website on which we first made contact.

 

I think this is a defence mechanism of sorts, trying to anticipate rejection by provoking a negative response before I have even tried to be positive. I also think it is because I want to be comforted after all the setbacks I've had in my life. However, whereas with my mother, for example, though I am often seeking comfort by moaning, I usually moan about myself. This is not so unattractive as being negative about things external to yourself, as it can provoke the maternal instinct and sympathy. On the scale of negativity, complaining about your life is more attractive than complaining about life in general, I think. However, since complaining about your life requires a degree of intimacy, I think I unconsciously opted to be negative about things in the world instead. This almost derailed the phone conversation, but thankfully I said enough positive things to make a date.

 

I don't know what I think about being positive all the time, it is good to be critical sometimes, and it can be a denial of reality to try to be positive in all circumstances. However, in general, I think a positive outlook on life is best, or at least most attractive. Even if one is being critical, one can be critical within the context of trying to do better, of finding the silver lining, of moving forward positively.

 

A friend of mine told me that when he met his wife, he was at the lowest point in his life, and I'm sure that meant he was facing a lot of negativity and allowing it to get to him. However, that did not mean he had abandoned positivity.

 

I'm not sure what other people think, but it seems to me that positivity is essential for forming a loving relationship and an essential component of being attractive.

 

So with regards to the phone conversation, I almost messed up, and certainly made some mistakes by being needlessly negative.

 

As I've said before, I'm now much better staying positive in whilst messaging and texting, partly because I've practiced these more. I need to make sure I do this in spoken conversation as well.

 

At the moment, it's just really a numbers game. I've yet to meet anybody I've really connected with at a sexual level, at least not since my only relationship some six years ago.

 

I'm still viewing these things very mechanically. The best thing to do is just to relax and be myself. Certainly the negativity that I espoused on the telephone came from a defence mechanism against anxiety and the pressure I was putting on myself to mechanically do what was most attractive.

 

When you have barely had any sexual relationships in your life, there is a tendency to look for ways you can change, which leads to a mechanistic view of interactions, however the fact is that it was probably a mechanistic view of interactions that started one down the path of involuntary celibacy in the first place. This is why it is common amongst people on the autistic spectrum who I believe are more inclined towards mechanistic perspectives.

 

Relaxing and being yourself is the opposite of mechanistic thinking, it is letting go of mechanistic thinking, not dwelling on cause and effect. Indeed it is being conscious of cause and effect that makes one anxious and provokes negative self-defence reactions. The joy of relationships is not being in control, it is sharing. I'm sure I will find someone to romantically share my life with eventually.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I am still quite fragile mentally. I have had twenty years of paranoid schizophrenia with barely a month going by without any serious symptoms.

 

Last year I managed six months of relative sanity. I did this by completely disassociating myself from political stimulus. I used to participate in discussions and keep up to date with the news, in fact more than that, in my madness I used to actually believe I could influence what happened in the world with my mere thoughts. I still believe that to some extent, I still believe we dream and manifest our own personal reality from our imagination out of the infinite possibilities that all exist at once.

 

The difference was I stopped caring. I stopped trying to influence the world on a global level or even a national level. In fact I stopped trying to influence the world full stop.

 

The first thing I did to achieve this change was to stop paying attention to the news, to stop feeding my obsessions with political rights and wrongs, and that did wonders.

 

Having disassociated myself from politics, I was able to achieve the longest stretch of sanity I had had in nearly twenty years, and after five months, I tentatively tried to get back into work of some kind.

 

I relapsed about a month later, not because of the work, I don't think, but because I felt confident enough to try and engage with politics again. That was a big mistake.

 

I am now in a similar position to when I tentatively tried to start work again last year. I am thinking about trying to work again. But as I said, I am still very fragile.

 

Twenty years of near constant paranoia cannot be recovered from just like that. I still long to be a success, and progress seems so slow, but the reality is I am doing better than ever before since I developed my condition.

 

I need to take things slow, to not put my sanity at risk nor take my progress for granted. I have had some mild symptoms recently. I have had some set backs, but over all the direction is positive.

 

I don't know what the future holds. Making the transition to working will be tough given that I have been out of work so long. As I said, I still dream of being successful, but I am coming from such a long way down that I need to be realistic.

 

I just have to keep taking it one day at a time. If I can do some voluntary work for a bit or even get a few hours of paid work a week soon that will be something. But there is no rush. My sanity comes first.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm reading a bit about social interactions. As always I find it's all pretty obvious stuff, that doesn't mean that I'm able to do it well though.

 

In fact I have come across some insights that seem helpful.

 

One is about eye contact. I sometimes worry that I don't make enough eye contact or become conscious of this fact, especially when dating.

 

What I've been reading spells out the problem of being comfortable with intimacy.

 

The intimacy of eye contact really is a mystery, but somehow when you look in someone else's eyes you see yourself reflected, or maybe imagine yourself reflected, and this brings up all your feelings about yourself.

 

If you're uncomfortable with yourself then you feel that. This is the intimacy of eye contact.

 

What I've been reading says you have to be able to sit comfortably with all the feelings about yourself whilst making eye contact.

 

I do wonder how much eye contact I make with other people. Most of the time I'm not conscious of it, but every now and then I notice real intimate eye contact and it makes me think that I can't be doing it that frequently or else I wouldn't notice it so much.

 

I still feel a lot of shame, and that is when I notice the intimacy of eye contact. When I am confident I don't notice it at all, however, I don't know if I really make intimate eye contact in those situations.

 

Intimate eye contact brings up all my feelings of shame and inadequacy. I see or imagine those judgments reflected in the eyes of the other.

 

Real intimate eye contact is not the same as staring. Hardening one's eyes does not reflect intimacy and instead reflects a kind of lack of empathy or emotion. It can even be quite intimidating to the other person making them think that you are judging them badly.

 

I have tended to harden my eyes and even stare when I try to force myself to keep eye contact in the face of feelings of shame and inadequacy. It is a defence mechanism to avoid allowing my feelings to be seen.

 

Sometimes I think if I didn't do that, I'd actually break down in tears during intimate eye contact.

 

I have such shame and such feelings of inadequacy.

 

Intimacy is one of the most attractive things in life, but breaking down in tears could be a real turn off showing how broken I am.

 

I'm not sure what I can do to improve, one thing is to try to forgive myself more and try to have a better feeling about myself. Another is to learn to sit with the emotions I feel when making eye contact in a mindful way, not trying to overwrite them, as I do when I harden my eyes, but just allowing the feelings to be within me without disturbing me.

 

I keep meaning to read about emotional intelligence. So far most of my reading about social interactions has focused on appearance rather than interpretation. Even things like asking follow up questions on the subject that someone is talking about to you to make them feel like you're really listening and paying attention to them are really superficial things, or things to do with appearance. I don't know, maybe the stuff on emotional intelligence is equally superficial.

 

In my experience appearance does make a difference, and if you practice changing your appearance enough, it starts to have inward affect. It is like starting from the outside and building in.

 

However, what really makes a difference or determines the outcome is what's on the inside. For example, asking follow up questions only really works if you are genuine about it, in other words you really are paying attention.

 

I know that on the inside, I am not really comfortable with intimate eye contact at the moment, and that is because I am not comfortable with the feelings and thoughts it gives rise to. In fact I feel a lot of shame and inadequacy.

 

I'm not sure how to change this, but I want to.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So there are two key ingredients I've identified to good social interactions, be interested not interesting and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

 

In fact, being vulnerable makes you interesting, but not necessarily to yourself, which is the difference.

 

Saying things to impress, things you think make you interesting, are really things for yourself, things for your ego. When you say things to impress, you are the one judging yourself, your ego is taking control. When you are vulnerable you are allowing other people to judge you.

 

Vulnerable doesn't mean passive. Expressing opinions can be vulnerable so long as you are opening yourself up to be judged.

 

I'm still not sure how banter and wit fit into the equation, they don't seem to sit with being vulnerable, but then I'm not really sure what they are anyway.

 

One of the exercises my meditation teacher advises is to write down all your social interactions of the day each evening, and analyse how you behaved.

 

I have never really been able to do this, mainly because I have not known the correct criteria for analysing them.

 

With the two ideas of being interested not interesting and allowing oneself to be vulnerable, I now have a better idea of what is required.

 

With this in mind I am beginning to notice when I don't follow these maxims.

 

For example, the other day I asked someone what they'd been up to. I wasn't really interested, I just wanted to shift the conversation back to a focus on me by getting someone to interact with me. Thus when the person started to answer in great detail about their recent holiday, I switched off, and instantly began to feel like a social pariah again. In fact I felt worse than before I asked the question.

 

The mistake was not the question but the intention, wanting people to find me interesting, to engage with me, to give me attention. This all comes from ego. I didn't ask the question with genuine interest, my intention wasn't interest in the other person, it was to shift the attention back on to me.

 

That same day, I also, several times, said things with the aim of interesting other people, even interrupting friends when they were going to speak. What I had to say may well have been interesting, indeed I think it was received with some interest, but it didn't feel satisfying because deep down I knew I was playing to myself.

 

I'd like to also start noticing and journaling the positive things I do in social interaction, when I genuinely express interest in other people and allow myself to be vulnerable.

 

I can only think of one example that day, and it is only half positive. I asked someone about whether they were involved in the recent climate change protests, which is fine, but the question came from my own interests. It was basically a way of opening up a conversation about something I could then be try to be interesting about again.

 

I was genuinely interested, but only because it was about something that interests me on my own.

 

To really be interested but not interesting, one has to be interested in the persons experiences because one cares about the other person, not because one cares about the subject.

 

I'm going to try and journal these daily observations on interactions a bit more, and try to note times I have allowed myself to be vulnerable or not, which I haven't done yet, as well.

 

It is a good exercise. Having said that, I wouldn't necessarily say I have problems with social interactions, at least while I'm sane, I am not anti-social, but I do think I can improve.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So of the 300 search results referring explicitly to "Scottish Cypriots" most of those refer to Cypriots who have moved to Scotland, not actually a mix of the two ethnicities like me, so, like everyone else I am pretty unique.

 

Whether I am more Norman or Arabic seems pretty irrelevant, it is Cyprus that is occupied after all and that is an internationally recognised war crime whose origin remains unresolved, in my mind at least.

 

I still blame the United States military-industrial complex, an old phrase that has grown worn with use.

 

Anyway, politics, is not what I came here to write about, but rather competition.

 

There is always competition in life, even if you are only competing with yourself, which is very selfish, and a result of what Marx called alienation.

 

Marx is quite old too, but he recognised the trend towards individual competition in capitalism, the rule of capital.

 

There is no such thing as complete co-operation. Life is constantly in flux. One can co-operate to compete against other people or co-operate to compete against one's selves as a group. The latter is what is usually referred to as a true co-operative game.

 

Competing against one's self develops one's self. Co-operating to compete against the group's self develops the group.

 

It is all ego, a necessary part of life.

 

So do I ever co-operate?

 

Not completely.

 

But the art of competition is to choose one's battles wisely.

 

Rich kids who learn to fight tend to pick fights with everyone, just to show off. This again is very selfish.

 

I am wondering whether I compete more with men or with women and in which ways.

 

The truth is I prefer competing with myself, because when I compete with others, I am clumsy and throw my weight around in a blunt and obtuse way.

 

I never really learned to compete with others, and this is the result of alienation, not just capitalist, but racist as well.

 

So here I am moaning again.

 

Co-operation doesn't seem to get you anywhere in the battle of the sexes. It doesn't seem to get you anywhere in the battle for capital. But it leads to a loving and peaceful life of development.

 

I prefer co-operating to competing, I worry that I fantasize too much about competing, and naturally restrain myself from the latter in the real world. The only thing left is to stop competing with myself.

 

I am a libra, if that means anything.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I had a major psychotic relapse recently that lasted over a month. I am now recovering and processing what I experienced.

 

For a long time I have thought that I might have been a Taoist in a past life, at least I have thought this as much as I believe in the past life theory.

 

I practice a lot of Taoist techniques, and I seem to have been acquainted with them before as they all come naturally to me.

 

One of the reasons I am saying this is because it occurs to me that my obsession with controlling when I masturbate, how long I can go without actually doing it, is in fact a Taoist technique for longevity and power.

 

However that has not been the reason I have wanted to stop, or rather the reason I have wanted to stop porn use, which in fact has been down to great shame and guilt, from where this comes I don't know.

 

As I have been forgiving myself and realising that the majority of men, at least in the West, look at porn and masturbate, I have been thinking about what it is I really object to.

 

All my psychosis has boiled down to imbalances in power, experienced as between me and other people when I relapse, and observed in the outside world between groups of other people amongst themselves.

 

The porn I have made as drawings (when I was much younger) and now look at reflects this.

 

I want to get away from an attraction to imbalances in power, and start to see everyone as equal, which ultimately means seeing no victims or oppressors as well.

 

One of the things I am therefor thinking, since I have still been looking at porn, although without masturbating, is to try and move towards more vanilla images for my sexual stimulation, like pinups and fashion models.

 

These are not even strictly speaking porn, though when one gets to nudes or topless one begins to blur the line, but there is plenty of art that depicts such forms.

 

I may even start going to life drawing classes.

 

I usually scoff at those who distinguish between erotic art and porn, but the reality is there is a difference, if only by degree.

 

Fashion images are still largely degrading to women, producing harmful body images and ideals of femininity that are hard to look up to, and these are not even said to be erotic, so as I said it is by degree.

 

So as of today I'm going to try and discipline myself to only look at such vanilla images in my searches.

 

I don't know how long I will last, but it will certainly help with the process of weening myself off the harder images, and stopping to feed myself with ideas of power imbalances so extreme in the majority of pornography.

 

For the record, the longest I have gone without looking at porn so far is 197 days. That is not very long in the scheme of things, but far less than the average U.S. male views.

 

Stopping completely remains my goal, but I am reassessing the idea of no sexual stimulation, which I am beginning to realise is really only for monks and nuns.

 

Thank you.

 

 

[Foxhall]

Good that you are developing restraining/calming techniques,

 

this will stand to you when your are with a woman, over excitement might be an issue for you, so keep practicing this taoist stuff.

 

Yes I am a great believer in the idea of "less is more"

 

porn images have never done it for me, but I appreciate the natural beauty of a woman, skin, hair , eyes and so on,

 

the wonderful beauty of a woman is to be appreciated similar to the sky and the sea,

 

good for the soul to tone your viewing down , to be content with more basic natural images.

[JoeyArnold]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

good for the soul to tone your viewing down

 

Agreed.