what should I do

[dumbluck05]

I have been in a perfect, happy marriage for 2 years. I just found out that my husband got really drunk and slept with some girl at his bachelor party. He also told me that about a month or two before we got engaged that his ex girlfriend contacted him and she ended up giving him oral sex about 4 times over the next 2 weeks. He also took naked pictures of her, which I found about 3 months later. He told me he had taken them a long time ago when they were together and got rid of them. At that time he told me he could never do anything to hurt me and he loved me so much. I trusted him completly, I had no reason not to. He is not someone you would think is capable of these things. He has been caught in numerous little white lies that are about stupid stuff, he says he thinks he has a problem with lying. He will even lie to enhance a situation ( to make himself look better ). He wants to get help and we both want to save our marriage. I love him so much and don't want a divorce but I don't know how to fix this. He swears he has not been unfaithful to me since we got married, I don't know how to tell if he is being honest given his past. But he came to me and confessed these things, I did not bust him so that makes me think he is telling the truth. He also seems very sincere, He is destroyed by what he has done. I have never seen him hysterically cry or even ever cry for that matter. Am I fooling myself that we can work this out?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have you considered going to marriage counseling together to see if you can get to the root of this problem?

[portableversion]

Now is the time to make him feel like the piece of s*** spineless loser he is. Milk this for what its worth-money, favors, someone to whip on if you've had a bad day at work, hell, even ask him if you can sleep with your ex for 'some variety'. Threaten to tell his mother.

 

Its time to even the score.

 

When i found out that my husband went to a crackwhore and slept with antoher slut before we were married (and lied about it after we were married) that's exactly what i did. It made me feel better. He about s*** his pants when i told him that i wanted to sleep with Jeremy (my ex). I was like, 'why not, you did'. he was like NONONONO!! Then I said "well how about i sleep with him, but lie about for 5years before I come clean?"

 

Payback is a bitch. You should be one too!

[tablesalt]

Well from the the way I've read this he's more than likely up to no good again! You know the saying right once a dog always a dog!

But He maybe sincere theres really not enough info to call him guilty yet!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm inclined to believe he wants to change. I'm with LB, seek marriage counseling. His entire life will have to be a open book, his cell phone bills, his e mail passwords and such. When one cheats that is what they get. If he would agree to counseling and this if you think you can move past it then I would give him another chance.

[dumbluck05]

He already gave me access to all email accouts, everything was fine. I made him IM his best friend " the best man " and watched as he told him I knew about everything. All the details matched. I then made him call his friend and put him on speakerphone so I could listen. He asked his friend what exactly happened I was so drunk. His friend told the story and they matched. He wants to go to counseling ( he brought it up ) he says he will do whatever it takes. We have decided to start going back to church and we will find a sunday school class on relationships/marriage. He even offered to take his big screen tv back in order to pay for the therapy. I asked him about installing the software on the computer that shows everything that goes on at all times. He said that he would do it. He showed me everything, cell phone, email, all backed up computer files....everything. He seems very willing to get help. He said he wanted to and would be the man I thought I was marrying in the first place. I did threaten to tell all of our mutual friends wives so that when they see him they will know what he did to me and he will be humiliated just as I am in front of his friends. He told me if it would help me I could and he was willing to let me do that. I also asked him what his parents would think if we separated or divorced and it would only be because he was unfaithful, I know his parents would freak out. Anyway we have some days better than others I only found out last weekend. The last couple of days have been really bad but anytime I think of another question he answers it. I keep going back and forth between being upset and crushed to outraged then I think to myself technically we were not married yet. Then I do ok then I start thinking well if he loved me so much why did he do it no matter how drunk he was....then I get mad again. Does anyone know how to start the healing process?

[Trimmer]

DL -

 

It may not feel like it yet, but you've already started the healing process. And a good next step would be to take your husband up on the counseling idea and do some joint MC to help you work things out together.

 

If you've spent much time reading the Infidelity board here on LS, you'll see that in a lot of affairs, the WS keeps things hidden, then lies about it when discovered, then gets angry at the BS for bringing it up, then tries to turn it around on the BS to deflect blame. Not to minimize your pain, but one of the most frustrating parts of the recovery process for the BS is not knowing why the WS just won't come clean, why they turn it back around get angry at the BS.

 

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you have a hopeful start here. It sounds like your husband is contrite, is trying to be as open as possible, and as open as you are asking him to be, and is not getting defensive or angry or trying to turn it back around and make it your fault. I guarantee you that many of the BS's here would love for their WS's to "come around" like that. I'll tell you that I would have loved for my wife to have exhibited some of that attitude.

 

So let me close with a very gentle suggestion. I know you are hurting. I know, from experience, what that pain feels like. You have a nugget of the start towards recovery that a lot of us wished for but didn't get. My suggestion is: when you make demands of your husband, remember that he is trying and submitting to your will - we expect - out of a wish to work with you to recover from this. As much as you want to smash his skull sometimes, be careful that your demands don't edge over into the vindictive. I respectfully submit that after all his contrition and apparent willingness to submit to your reasonable demands, your threat to humiliate him doesn't really advance the goal of building mutual trust (it simply induces him to obey out of fear), nor does it advance the goal of rebuilding a strong and mutually respectful marriage. If you do make it out the other side of this thing - and it sounds like you have a good chance to do so - do you really want to have beaten him into a submissive wimp? (as much as that might satisfy your urges during angry moments.)

 

I believe you have a right to reasonable and wide-ranging demands for openness, and he seems to be responding quite positively (look everyone: the WS actually suggested counseling himself!) - just be careful you don't let your anger start doing more damage than you are trying to repair.

 

Very best of luck to you. I wish I had had the chance to rebuild that you have.

[Mz. Pixie]

Trimmer is right. If you decide to forgive him, even though he deserves it, please don't tell all of your mutual friends. That's humiliating, and if they don't know about the whole thing to start with, then well, then you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

This man seriously sounds like he wants to save his marriage. Best of luck to you.

[dumbluck05]

Thanks to all for the wonderful advice, especially Trimmer and Mz. Pixie. The last few days have been going well my husband has been very open to anything that may help. We have been talking a lot about everything and he still seems unable to answer the burning question as to why he did those things in the first place. I keep wondering why he would do those things since we were so happy, and perfect for eachother. He cannot think of a good reason just that it was the worst mistake of his life and he will have to live with the horrible things he has done to me. ( not that he thinks this justifies it ). We keep going through possibilities like was it convience or the idea of one last notch on the belt before we got married. He was at least wasted when he slept with that girl at his bachelor party. The only explanation I have for the ex before the engagement was that we were in a long distance relationship for a long time before we moved to the same town, and we were very young, he was 25 when this happened. I think I could easily move past all this if I could find a reason that made sense. I am confident that he has not cheated since we got married. I looked at all the detailed phone bills for the last 2 + years and he had nothing to hide everything was fine. I let him know as I was doing it. He knows this will make me feel better that I can actually prove he has not been cheating on me and he was telling the truth!! I can rest assured that he has at least taken our wedding vows to heart and hopefully it was just a young man that got married early that cheated on me who has grown up and will make a wonderful, loving husband and father.

[TRUTHGUY]

Your Man Is Lying To You. He Still Loves This Other Women. No Matter What He Tells You She Is Still On His Mind, Not You! Divorce Him Now B/c He Is Only Going To Give U A Std. He Only Wants A Whore He Can Control. Not A Strong Willed Women Like You!