New to American dating scene, plz help

[noclobber]

thanks for letting me know that i am wrong.. can u plz tell me how or why i am wrong? i am trying to learn here.. also, can u plz advice me what can i do with this woman from now on..

 

thanks

[alphamale]

i am trying to learn here.. also, can u plz advice me what can i do with this woman from now on..

go and buy the book How to Succeed with Women by co-authors Louis & Copeland. REad it from cover to cover 50 times, memorize it and then put it into action.

[Aimée]

thanks for letting me know that i am wrong.. can u plz tell me how or why i am wrong? i am trying to learn here.. also, can u plz advice me what can i do with this woman from now on..

 

thanks

I'd quit contact with her. I find it's the best to walk away when someone has done you wrong. You can contact her one day when you're over her and want to make peace and forgive her for being human (I'd recommend you to forgive her at one point in your life, so you won't become bitter) but for now, get out of this friendship, she's not worthy of it.

[noclobber]

Thanks Aimee!

 

But what i am trying to understand here is, was it really wrong on her part not to have talked about her boyfriend right in the beginning OR was it my mistake to have just assumed she didn't have one and develop my feelings? Is it common in the American culture? I know people (men and women) are very outgoing here. To make my question simple, would an American guy also be disappointed just like me??

 

She wud definitely be curious and offended if i break it off all of a sudden with her. I am doubting whether I would come across as some jerk that cannot be just friends with a woman.. As a woman how wud u view a guy who stopped talking with u after he found that u have a boyfriend??

[jaye]

ask her if she thinks that indian men smell like curry?

if answer is yes then walk away

if no then you are all set

kust kidding man i don't know what to say

[jaye]

Dude i guess she is playin with ya

She just need somone to spend money on her

[noclobber]

ask her if she thinks that indian men smell like curry?

 

i don't need any racist comments!!!!!!!!!

[jaye]

Told You I Was Joking

[Aimée]

But what i am trying to understand here is, was it really wrong on her part not to have talked about her boyfriend right in the beginning OR was it my mistake to have just assumed she didn't have one and develop my feelings? Is it common in the American culture? I know people (men and women) are very outgoing here. To make my question simple, would an American guy also be disappointed just like me??

It happens all the time that people confuse friendship with romance. I think the responsibility lies on both sides to avoid confusion and hurt feelings. When I was younger I also thought that friendship between men and women were possible and that guys wouldn't mind hanging out with me just for fun. I've come to realize that this just doesn't work out (usually it doesn't, friends - yes, best buddies - probably no). You can try to be best buddies with someone of the opposite sex, but you should make it clear that you're not available for dating. As your friend had a boyfriend and treated you like a very good friend and confidant, I think, she had the obligation to tell you about him. I don't know how women feel about male friends, but I'm always afraid they're going to hit on me and I prefer to let them know in advance that I'm not interested in them, be it that I talk about other guys or very unromantic stuff or their past/future relationships, etc., whatever kills romantic feelings between us is fine. I believe though that people who are really compatible will still end up together even if they didn't have the intention of falling for each other, the resistance will dwindle and it will just happen.

 

That was your friend's share of responsibility, your job would have been to collect the cues whether she was interested in you or not (well, I know, difficult with her quite persistent approach to get close to you). People are instable, unreliable, confused, don't know it better, etc. and you just can't rely on them to protect your feelings. I'm not saying that she was right, but I know I make mistakes and so does everybody else, bad things to not always happen out of malice and that makes it necessary that people take care of themselves as much as they can.

 

She would definitely be curious and offended if I break it off all of a sudden with her. I am doubting whether I would come across as some jerk that cannot be just friends with a woman.. As a woman how would you view a guy who stopped talking with you after he found that you have a boyfriend??

She might consider it a betrayal of your friendship and she might feel hurt, because it will look as if you only wanted her as a friend in order to get into her pants. I suggest that you don't talk with her abou this and instead try to date other women and get some hobbies thus reducing the time that you would spend with her. This will allow you to see other people, get your mind of her and it will also provide you with a good excuse to back off.

[noclobber]

Wow!! That was a clear explanation!

 

Wish people were this mature and sensible instead of playing games with each other. I guess the games got to stop with High School.

 

I will follow your advice Aimee... and be very very careful with women in the future!

 

That said, i will never be able to understand why this person chose not to tell me about her boyfriend... But the good news is I really don't care about it anymore

[alphamale]

It happens all the time that people confuse friendship with romance.

Right AIMEE....and who are the main offenders there??? It is usually naive males who get confused.

[alphamale]

I guess the games got to stop with High School.

I have news for you NOCLOBBER, the "games" continue for the rest of your life and actually take on more importance as you get older cause there is much more at stake

 

I will follow your advice Aimee... and be very very careful with women in the future!

The only way you'll get experience with the opposite sex is thru some very painful trial and error in the real world.

[noclobber]

who are the main offenders there??? It is usually naive males who get confused.

 

Yup, i did the mistake of thinking that she was interested in me romantically. And that was the result of this woman wanting to spend time with me, go to movies, go to games, take me to her apartment, do lunch, do dinner, call me, text message me... blah blah blah... all the while never mentioning abt her boyfriend!

 

I will look for subtle clues in the future

[noclobber]

the "games" continue for the rest of your life

 

ha ha ha... i understand what u r implying!! well said!

[Aimée]

Right AIMEE....and who are the main offenders there??? It is usually naive males who get confused.

I also got burnt and rejected and guess what, who cares? Spontaneously I can name three guys I had been interested in and who did not want to have a relationship with me for different reasons. I'm still in contact with them and I think I'm more in control of the situation than they will ever be or ever were. (Dolts... )

[noclobber]

Just wanted to give an update...

 

I thought instead of me just assuming a thousand things why don't i ask her very casually about why she never mentioned her boyfriend all these days. today evening when we met for coffee i very casually brought her boyfriend topic.. she just nodded her head and said "well.. its on again, off again" and i asked "oh, its not going well?" and she said "yesterday it went well" and gave a smile..

 

i really don't know much about what is meant by "on again, off again" as i am inexperienced in dating field. but from the look on her face and the way she sounded i understood that it wasn't going well.

 

can somebody explain this term better?

[Mary3]

She is screw*** with your head.

[jaye]

Noclobber

Looks Like You Are Not Looking For An Advice, Well Infect I Believe You Are Not Seeing Things The Way They Are You Are Seeing Things The Way You Wanna See Them

Alphamale Has Given You A Good Advice And You Have To Understand She Is Not The Only One Left Out There For You You Can Find Many Out There Better Then Her.

All I Can Say Is There Is Nothing Worse Then A Confus**d Woman.

[noclobber]

Thank you..

 

Yes i have to be honest and agree with you ... i didn't realize it initially but then i found myself trying to hear something positive as i kept posting one reply after another. may be this is b'cos i am new to dating and wanted to somehow make this work. but i do get ur point... rather than wasting time on somebody that is hiding about their boyfriend i can look out for someone that is not in a relationship to start with..

 

i finally caught myself and stopped from replying after i saw Mary3's reply.

 

thanks again..

[d.s.]

Noclobber,

 

I am of "indian" decent too. I have only been with girl to date. I posted my thread here last month but it is not really important anymore.

 

I seem to have that same problem of getting emotionally attached to a girl when I start liking her. The reason this happens though, is because she seems to flirt back or give signs that maybe she is interested. Sometimes we can misinterpret these signals. Unfortunately in my case, I did not misinterpret these signals. The girl I liked had alternate intentions of using me. I also consider myself the "nice guy"; the sad part is that I am still unable to cut this person out of my life. Some part of me still believes that she likes me and wont allow me to let go. I also think that I am the total package.

 

I feel like **** now; I feel the same way as you in the sense that I don't want to stop all communication in fear that I may no longer be the "nice guy"... ie the jerk. I tried to distance myself a bit; but then I guess she noticed it and then when we talked it seemed like I fell for her all over again. I know she is using me; I feel so hurt, used and depressed. I know I can find another woman easily-but for some reason I am unable to move on.

 

I guess that like they say in this thread, it is difficult to be friends with someone from the opposite sex. Either one wants to be friends, or the other wants something more. I always went for the strategy of becoming friends~then lovers. I always thought that this gave you the chance of really getting to know the person and then realizing how much they mean to you.

 

What I hate the most is when the other person is not honest. I have always tried to be honest-sadly I have failed at this once (ruined a beautiful relationship) -I now understand how important being honest is in a relationship- it is the basis of all trust. This girl you like was not honest with you-regardless of her intentions... imagine starting a relationship based on lies already? I don't really think there can be much room for improvement.

 

I know from experience that is not easy to just say that you wont get emotionally attached to your next relationship. I find that us "nice guys" tend to get emotionally attached too quickly and are putting our hearts out on a platter for the wolves. After being hurt many times I guess we may learn to stop-I am still not at that stage.

 

You can search my name to find my posts if you want to see my exciting history. I just want you to know that you are not alone- I also don't think it's the fact that you are from India- it is morever that there are so many different personalities out there that every relationship is somewhat like a new experience.

 

Good Luck!!

[noclobber]

hi d.s.

 

great to hear from you thanx for posting your thoughts..

 

i want to clarify certain things though. while i really like this woman and find myself emotionally attached i never ever allowed her to take advantage of me!! actually she is a good person and she didn't try to use me but even if she did i wudn't have allowed it. till this day we pay for ourselves.. i have not spent a single penny for her. i like her in that way..

 

what i was really upset about was the fact that she never mentioned about her boy-friend. i felt cheated that way. i dunno about the American dating culture and hence i am at a loss regarding this. when i asked her about it she told that it was "on again, off again"... may be that's why she didn't talk about it... i dunno..

 

coming from India we r naturally emotional. that's our way of life!! but i realized that it doesn't help at all. in this country even if a man and woman sleep with each other they may still not be in love!!! in fact if the guy says "i love you" to a woman after sleeping with her once the woman would remark "oh my god, this guy is clingy, needy, desperate.. we just slept once and he is already in love with me".. and then they will just break the relationship! in our culture only when the guy and the girl r deeply in love they will sleep together but in this country it is not necessary. they may date, wine and dine, sleep together but still may not be in love. i really don't know when they "actually" fall in love...

 

my condition is better now.. i learnt a lot from this forum and now able to see this woman as nothing more than an acquaintence! whether i see her or not i don't even care anymore. and i wud give u the same advice!! don't fall for a woman right away.. get to know them first.. there is nothing wrong in being friends with a woman but if she is taking advantge of u then u got to watch out.. in the same lines if u befriend a woman thinking that it may lead to an affair then that's wrong as well..

 

hope this helps

[magda]

You sound like a sweet guy. I guess you should just stop talking to her. Or maybe you can use this to your advantage. I mean she is a good friend, right? Just give up on a relationship altogether and get tips from her. Tell her when you first started seeing her you thought she was trying to have a romantic relationship. Maybe she can start introducing you to some other women, stuff like that. Just a thought... because your relationship with her doesn't seem to be going anyplace!

 

edit: I only just realized there is a page 2 to this topic. oh well, my advice still stands i guess.

[megabit15]

what i was really upset about was the fact that she never mentioned about her boy-friend. i felt cheated that way.

Sorry you are confused and hurting over this...I think one thing you can learn from this is if you are interested in a woman, ask her if she has a boyfriend up front. It hints that you are attracted to her, and weeds out unavailable women or women who are soley interested in platonic friendship. If she admits to having a boyfriend, then put her in a categoy of friend - enjoy the company but don't expect romance.

 

You sound like a nice guy and I'm sure you'll have many more chances.

[hooghie]

if you are interested in a woman, ask her if she has a boyfriend up front. It hints that you are attracted to her, and weeds out unavailable women or women who are soley interested in platonic friendship. If she admits to having a boyfriend, then put her in a categoy of friend - enjoy the company but don't expect romance.

quote]

 

THANK YOU! I really wish more guys would do this.

[noclobber]

if you are interested in a woman, ask her if she has a boyfriend up front.

 

it's a good point but do u think i wud be getting a honest reply???? i have had prior experience with this and women did NOT reply truthfully. i got bugged about this and once asked my female friend about what's the issue with this? she said whether women have boyfriends or not is their personal thing and it is none of anybody's bloody business to know about it. she said they even have the right to lie about it.... even to their families, leave alone friends.

 

what can i probably do? i really don't regret not asking her that question b'cos i know that i won't be getting a honest answer. take a guess, if this person was mature and honest don't u think she wud have told about her "on again, off again" boyfriend right in the beginning?