I cant figure out how to get over a break up that happened 2 years ago

[jwspark85]

Hi everyone

 

I (34M) dont know how to start really and honestly I`m not even sure what kind of advise I am looking for.

Since I`ve been trying to figure my life out I must have read/heard every advise imaginable, so perhaps this is just me wenting(?).

 

It all started 2 years ago. Me and my Ex were in a serious relationship for 6 years and broke up back in February 2017.

We were supposed to marry and were looking to buy a house, all of the things people my age do if they want to take their relationship to the next level.

To this day I am not 100% sure why she decided to break-up, but I guess it was a combination of things.

she said we had almost nothing in common (not true) and that she had some problems with the relationship, which she didnt communicate to me until it was too late. It all boiled down to the usual I love you, but I`m not in love with you, lets stay friends bullsh*t... well, you know.

During our break-up talk she eventually confessed hitting it off with a co-worker. I will never know for sure if there was any physical cheating involved (she claimed there wasn't), but the emotional one may have been going on for months.

 

The entire thing wrecked me emotionally and I have been trying to recover ever since.

What troubles me is that I know its been too long and I should be over what happened by now. Seriously, I dont think its normal and I feel slightly embarrassed admitting this even anonymously to strangers on the internet. I don`t talk about it to my friends either. I was afraid they wouldn't understand, so I just stopped mentioning the break up altogether way back in 2017 and just bottled it up inside.

 

I did all the things that people suggest to do in such situations in order to get your life back on track. I did and still do travel quite a bit. I spoke to a therapist, I focused on my job (and got promoted to a better paid position as a result). I also picked up some new hobbies, I still go to the gym regularly, do volunteering etc. Seriously, On the outside you couldn't tell there is anything wrong with me. So yes, I do all these things but the void left after the break up doesn't seem to go away. The truth is I feel quite lonely most of the time. My friends dont have as much time as they used to, starting families and having other commitments

...and making new friends, finding people to spend time with at this age is way harder tan I thought it would be.

 

I know that many will suggest finding someone new as the answer to my troubles, but this seems more easier said than done.

Since my Ex left I haven't been very lucky with finding someone new. And by finding someone new I mean no dating, no hookups,no sex, no nothing, for over 2 years now (and not for the lack of trying). Its just that most women around my age are either married or in serious relationships and those that aren`t dont seem to be interested in me. I am reasonably confident, trying to take care of myself, easygoing, funny If I want to be, but for some reason the women I am attracted to, dont like me back (at least not in a relationship kind of way).

It is true that i am a bit weird looking though, a little nerdy maybe. I Look younger than my actual age, have narrow shoulders( despite hitting the gym), long neck and also started balding a year ago, which isnt the best look for me.

And, before you ask, no... I am not trying to date supermodels or women that are way way out of my league.

 

As for my ex, well, she is still together with the guy she left me for and from what I`ve heard couldn`t be happier. And I know its not very mature, but I can`t help to think why does she get to be so happy (especially with the guy she left me for) while I am still struggling even after all this time and effort.

 

As I already said, I do appear happy and functioning to my friends, family, people at work etc., because I dont want to come of as sad and depressed. The truth is, I do struggle quite a bit on the inside every day. I am a fairly extroverted person so spending 95% of my free time alone is really not something I handle well. This `being happy by yourself` thing is something I tried but it just doenst work for me.

Recently I even feel a profound lack of purpose in life.

I always thought I would have started a family by now...everything else I try to focus on (job, hobbies etc.) doesnt do it for me.

Edited April 28, 2019 by jwspark85

[d0nnivain]

I once read that it can take 1/2 the length of the relationship to get over it. Yours was long & deep. You were building a life together when she pulled out unexpectedly. If course that left you feeling upside down.

 

Try doing some positive affirmations to remind yourself why you are a good person, a good partner & worthy of love. Somewhere in here your self esteem took a huge hit & you haven't fully recovered from that.

 

Meanwhile, step up your efforts to meet someone. When I decided I wanted to settle down I embarked on my search like it was my job. I did something every week to meet new people. You have an edge up because you already volunteer. Who is connected to whatever you do? How can you do more to widen your circle. You said you got a promotion at work. Congratulations! Parlay that into new social opportunities. Check out who is around your office building, not in your employer but where you eat lunch, etc. Also go to Chamber of Commerce events, business card exchanges, or continuing education opportunities.

 

Since you are extroverted do other things to meet more women & make new friends. Get involved in your community. Take an adult education class.

 

Most of all hang in there.

[mark clemson]

^^^^^ Agree with all of this. Amp up your efforts to meet someone new.

 

One thing that may be of help - women are very sensitive to body language. Teach yourself how to project confidence - e.g. via posture, mannerisms, and how you walk. It can be a fine line between looking ridiculous and looking really good, so practice. Also dress well and pay extra attn to facial grooming.

 

When you get the above down pat, you will appear casually dominant in most social situations. You will know you have it down because you'll get frequent second glances and other signals of interest from (even random) women who see you in normal daily life.

 

Once you are good at this, they may be more willing to give you a second shot, for example when on a date. Possibly much more willing. People are inherently visual creatures and looking good (to a female eye) should be very helpful in getting your foot in the door.

 

Another - try to be aware of how your conversations are going on these dates and other efforts. You might do some internet research on what to talk about during dates to be sure you're not inadvertently hitting any conversational trip wires. Can be a real issue.

[Art_Critic]

Been there done that.. with me it wasn't the breakup but just the amount of loss that had accumulated in that last year or so, the death of a marriage, a parent, grand parents, a dog and a BF-GF relationship was more than I could take and it took me a couple of years to get over a 6 month relationship.

 

I think not dwelling on it after 2 years helped me, stop talking about it, get a good hobby you enjoy and few gawd sakes start dating.. going out...

 

I finished off my basement, bought a cabin in the mountains and spent a good deal of time there.. I slowly healed but the thing that healed me most was a warm body that liked who I was and who wanted to spend time with me.. I had a few warm bodies but they all had a purpose in my life.

[BC1980]

Are you still connected to her on social media, or do you look at her social media frequently?

[Ddog]

Dude Jwspark85!

 

I was thinking to write almost the same post as you from about 1 month ago and you literaly take the words of out from my mouth. I think we can help eachother in that kind of situation with the help of other people here.

 

The background is different but the concept and the emotion are pretty much the same. I'm 27 now so a little younger and my relation was way shorter then 6 years mine was just some month. But those month was quite meanifull for me at the least. "TLDR" 6 foot tall victoria secret kinda looking girl (I'm 5' 7'' btw), wasn't ready for a relationship, no libido left in her from past experience, single from the past 2-3 years, we meet up, deep connection never got that with anybody else before. Saying that she felt like time stop when together so did i, Begun to stop sleeping and feeling very fragile, dating on and off because of that, asked herself a lot of question by that time (most people she asked question to was saying maybe you experience true love for a first time), Ex came back to her by that time, at that moment i feel something bad is comming up from her body languange and 2 week later she said " we should stop if it continue i will just hurt you more, you deserve better and i should go to counseling" while crying (what she did but not very long), At that moment i just stopped talking to her and started ghosting her even when she said she don't want to lose me, But as I supected something was not right they hook up one time (just kissing most likely), I know the ex and he said to people before he knew about me that at the moment they kissed she started crying and took her stuff and go. He couldn't know why she acted that way so the message got back right to me that how i knew she cheated on me and that break my heart at the same time. So at that moment i erased her and blocked her from social media (2 years ago) and told to myself i done the right thing to ghost her when my instint to me soo.

 

From that time she never showed up anymore even if we got a lot of mutual friend, She don't talk to them anymore she just chose to disappeared out of thin air. The only place i saw or heard from her

 

First was at a funeral of the dad of one good friend where i was in the mood that not a place to do a scene about that soo if she say hello be polite. We past by eachother but didn't say a word. I overlooked a conversation by a friend online when i was at his house maybe 3-4 month later that she was feeling like crap after the funeral that and she was okay if i go talk to her. What i didn't do.

 

The second thing was the ex and her don't talk really anymore.

 

The last is that she don't work to the gym anymore because i good female friend of mine saw her back to her old job at the governement (she quit for the gym).

They knew eachother because of me and she smiled at my friend what she found very awkward.

 

Except those three no idea of anything most likely not dating anybody or else.

 

The problem here is from that time i got the same feeling as you : I got pretty big void caused by the cheating of someone you loved deeply. I didn't really found anything to replace that void in my heart. Everything look fine on the outside but inside it different. I found new hobbies (Mostly music and sport), Got counselling a little bit, Travelled on epic quest, Found new meaninfull friend, I worked on my self-esteem now i can hit girl in bar without fear of been rejected, Work stuff going good but could be better, thing to improve a little bit in the future, I dated a couple of girl but was mostly hook-up : they or I got bored after a little while, Not soo much quality time if i could say so even if i tried, I got some FWB and they love it because i am transparent and respectfull so i don't have to stress for sex but that pretty much the end of it.The ones that could take my real interrest are mostly already taken i dated somes of them while still in relationship (just don't go there). I don't talk about the void in heart or they begun to get least time in general to my friend. Most of them are in couple now and I see them talk about buying house, babies and other couple stuff. I am far from mad to see them like that but it make me feel quite lonely to not have anybody or not be so much interrested in anybody while i look so easy for others peoples.

[Silver_star]

There is no concrete time limit for getting over someone. It is whenever you allow it, which sounds like crap because you want nothing else but to be over it, but truthfully part of you is holding on and once you identify what part of you is holding on...holding on to anger, resentment, pain...you can start to acknowledge that feeling for what it is and let it go. You can call yourself out on your counter productive habits (checking social media, asking about her, ruminating about what could have been) that stop you from moving forward.

You don't always get the answers you feel you need, but sometimes you have to do yourself a solid and just walk away (without answers) from those who don't care enough to stay, and go live your best life.

Holding on to the past will only create that void feeling you are talking about.

 

Don't concern yourself over her happiness or their relationship status. Think about the other things in life that bring you joy outside of a relationship. Not just hobbies, but people, places, and activities. Make your life about creating more of that joy with those things/peoples/places and in some time you will attract more of that to your life.

[SevenCity]

Some good advice here. I’ll add one of the big reasons you’re not over her is due to your lack of a replacement. Work more on that.

 

However, you really do have to learn to be ok by yourself. Otherwise, you’ll set yourself up for this again with the next girl.

 

I would advise you to check out Corey Wayne and Mouth of Ape on YouTube. Both helped me tremendously when my ex of 7 years up and left me with no real reason.

 

The good news is it forced me to evaluate everything about my behavior because I wasn’t sure what part I may have played in her leaving.

 

I would be lying if I said I reached complete indifference (2.5 years later) but having a new hotter gf sure does wonders. And I’m MUCH better than I was even a year ago.

 

It will take time but the first step is being ok by yourself. It wasn’t until I reached that point that I met my new gf.

 

The great thing is if she ever leaves me, I know I’ll be just fine because I learned to be ok alone.

[jwspark85]

Thanks for some of the advise given. As I said I kind of tried everything and its really hard to stay motivated after all this time, but thanks anyway.

 

Some have been asking, so I`m just gonna I really dont follow my Ex on social media...at least not anymore. It took me a while to realize its only making me feel worse, like muc worse. The problem is me and my ex both come from a small town (around 2000 inhabitants)...so even If I try to avoid it, one way or the other, I get to hear what she`s been up to and how she is doing from time to time.So its just something I have to accept and try to ignore as much as possible.

 

Thanks for all the dating advice as well. But, again same as above, Its hard to stay motivated after all this time. Also, it just sucks that I have to go through rejection after rejection after all the pain following the break-up. At a certain point I was like...havent I`ve been through enough sh*t already ? don`t I deserve to be a little happy after rverything that happened ?

[Blanco]

For me, it's always been a case where I'm not fully over the last one until I meet someone new. I say this as someone who always takes time off after a breakup, opting to pass up dating in favor of self-reflection, reconnecting with friends, and trying to be comfortable being "alone."

 

But it seems like no matter how much effort I put in or how much contentedness I do feel being single, it just seems like I'm not completely over the last ex until I'm interested in someone new and it's got some traction.

 

I finally accepted this about myself within the last year or so and don't think it's a bad thing so long as I'm mindful about why I'm interested in dating a specific person. Perhaps part of what's keeping you stuck is not meeting new people.

[chillii]

l think you just need more time, there's no clock in this stuff , you need as long as you need.

Personally l don't believe in the someone new fix either , not unless your cool with using people because that get's complicated to if your not even ready.

Take some more time , and you might even just accidentally meet someone while your doing it anyway and who knows , maybe by then the time will be right.

[BC1980]

The reason I asked about social media is because most of the people here who can't get over an ex are still following them on social media. I wouldn't count the time you spent following her on social media in the 2 years. Getting over an ex is about your thought patterns as well as NC. If you are still idolizing her or think that you'll never meet anyone else, that's going to impair your healing. What are your thoughts towards her?

[rjc149]

The despair in your post was palpable, but there is no reason to let this despair linger on dude.

 

At 34 years old, you still have a LOT of dating mileage in the tank. As a man (moving up the career ladder) you are an appreciating asset. You become more attractive with more resources and life experience.

 

It's honestly tough to get closure on a breakup simply focusing on what the other person did to you. It just keeps you in the helpless victim mentality. You also need to figure out what you were doing wrong, or where you were failing in the relationship. Were you being emotionally needy? Weak? Submissive? Was she wearing the pants in the relationship? Or were you too distant? Were you not attentive to her sexual/emotional needs? Figure this out (Corey Wayne and Dan Bacon on Youtube are recommended) and get a better understanding of what happened. This will empower you to make the changes and know how to progress as a man.

 

Get back out there man. You have a lot of game left.

[jwspark85]

when it comes to my thoughts towards her, I would say it is a mixture of -

 

longing - doesnt happen that often, but it bothers me a lot.... Every time I had been successful at my job or otherwise (since our break-up), I imagine sharing my success with her. Or, sometimes, when I have something to enjoy ( a movie I like, a good song, an experience during my travels abroad) I often do imagine how she would react/share the moment with me

 

indifference - the one I would prefer. There are days when I really dont care or even think about her. If I would find out she got married onaa day like that, I feel like I couldnt care less.

 

Anger - I know it is not the proper way to deal with a break-up, but i cant help it. I am somewhat angry that her life is so perfect now, especially after what she did to me. I sacrificed a lot of things for the relationships, just because it was always a priority to me and now I am left with almost nith . And in the end she just let me go...sure I made a few mistakes...and I learned a lot from them, when looking back now

...but I wasn`t even good enough for her to get a second chance

[Blanco]

One thing that has helped me self-soothe at times is to remember that romantic interests are usually just means to a personal end. Which is not to say that they aren't valuable, wonderful people who have enriched our lives and whose absence we can feel intensely.

 

It's just that all of us have goals/dreams of some magnitude that involve other people. For instance, if you've always wanted to one day build a family, that'll require a romantic partner you can have children with. Let's say you find someone who seems like a great fit for that role. He or she is great and you see yourself building a family with this person. Then, for whatever reason, they depart. And so they don't just take away their presence from your life, they also momentarily take your dream of building a family. In a sense, they are a vehicle to get us to our dream; they aren't themselves the dream.

[Foxhall]

the main of rejection can be a hard one, especially if you are really into the person,

 

 

the key thing I think is focus on the positives, I mean you have your health, plenty of friends, your life seems pretty full,

 

 

I don't think you will have any problems, you will meet another equally amazing girl and all will work out,

 

 

there are plenty much worse off than you are.