Lifeonvenus Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Sorry if this is in the wrong section, i wasnt sure there to put it. About 6 years ago me and my husband were going through a rough patch, and I had an affair with someone who I met online and lived in a different country. I came clean about it to my husband straight away and for some reason he was ok with it. In the space of the 6 years we only saw each other in person a few times and I think because it was really an emotionally affair my husband was ok with it. I know, typing that seems crazy. Me and the guy I was having an affair with were completely toxic for each other. He wasnt happy in his life and several times told me he wouldnt be bothered if he didnt wake up in the morning, which was so upsetting to me. I tried my best to support him, but it was far with the distance. I encouraged him to open himself up to meeting local ladies and that he should do things to make himself happy, but he never followed through. That was until one morning and I woke up to a text saying he was taking a girl for dinner that evening. This was the first I had heard that he was even talking to a girl and I was devestated, although I didnt let on. It wouldnt of been fair for me to try and mess things up. That was a month ago, and the date must of gone well because he has seen her every weekend since and has met her family a couple of times too. I really want to be happy for him, and I am but understandably he is slowly cutting me out of his life and its killing me. I miss him and what we had so much, I feel like im going crazy. For the whole 6 years he didnt even hardly talk to any other girls and now he has practically moved in in the space of a month! I was just wondering if anyone had any good advice to help with feeling utterly terrible. I am trying to work on the relationship with my husband, but I am questionning if we are just friends these days. I dont want to do anything hasty though as I feel my judgement right now probably isnt the best. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 There is no way to avoid feeling "utterly terrible". It's impossible to have an affair and be unscathed unless you are a sociopath. I'm not being judgmental, just honest from personal experience. You shouldn't have any contact at all with this guy. Is your husband aware your contact continues? Any contact with this guy negates any work you think you are doing to improve your marriage. Even if you ended your marriage, you know he's bad for you, you say you were toxic for each other. So the answer is clear - stay out of each others' lives, have absolutely no contact with him again. Only time and positive action to stay away from him will help you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) I was just wondering if anyone had any good advice to help with feeling utterly terrible. Oh this is easy. Have an emotional affair with another married person. That way neither of you will move on from the situation. Any time a married person has an affair with a single person, you run the risk of the single person getting tired and running off with someone else (who is single and available). Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) To be fair, your judgment throughout the whole affair hasn’t been the best. Not only was it a poor decision to have an affair - but, with another man in another country, who was emotionally unstable... not the best decision or even choice of affair partner. I hate to say it but, your marriage was pretty much over when you had an affair, told your husband, and he said “whatever...” Clearly, your little arrangement worked for your husband in some way or he wouldn’t have agreed to let you continue to have an emotional affair with another man. Whether you stay or go depends on what you want from your marriage and for your life - if you want to be married to a man who cares so little that he is indifferent to you cheating on his with another man.. then stay. It’s entirely your decision. Edited April 28, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Your LDR got a taste of how much better it is to date women in real life, and now he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 but, with another man in another country, who was emotionally unstable... not the best decision or even choice of affair partner. Bailey, made me laugh, poor choice for an affair partner? Is that like choosing the wrong gun for a hold-up? I came clean about it to my husband straight away and for some reason he was ok with it. In the space of the 6 years we only saw each other in person a few times and I think because it was really an emotionally affair my husband was ok with it. So the times you got together, did the affair become physical? And was your husband also OK with that? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Bailey, made me laugh, poor choice for an affair partner? Is that like choosing the wrong gun for a hold-up? It’s true though. There is nothing about an emotionally unstable/borderline suicidal man who lives far away says “this would be a good relationship for me...” Not sure why the upset OP, going back to reread your original post, you mention that you encouraged him to date. I have to wonder if part of the draw was both - he lived far so you could continue your life and this relationship without having to see him. Also, because he wasn’t dating and he was depressed, there was little competition for his affection. As relationships go, it may have been toxic but it was pretty “safe” in that - the chance of getting hurt was low. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 When you look at just about every affair any woman has you can quickly identify what's lacking in her marriage. In this case OP husband could care less about her comings and goings. He is ok with her having an affair for one of two reasons 1) he himself is having an affair and her having one just keeps her from looking into his actions. 2) he doesn't care about her. This other guy is very needy, so he is the counter balance to her husband who doesn't need or want her. Now for the other guy, I'm....im not sure what word im looking for, because I have to question any parents thought process who would welcome an emotionally unstable person with suicidal thoughts into their life. I am assuming there are children it is a long marriage. Its shocking to say the least. Affairs in themselves offer a high risk of danger but this one is off the charts. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 I'm confused, I read your earlier threads and you said you divorced your husband to be with your OM but he then ditched you. Another couple of threads describing how you reach out, you start talking then he ditches you again. Is this just another short term break or are you really going NC fit his? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) So the times you got together, did the affair become physical? And was your husband also OK with that? Yea, I'm waiting for the answer to this question... my bet is that they schtupped like minks, but since it wasn't every week she thinks of it as "really" an emotional affair. An intensifier used qualify or reduce the strength of the following adjective. I'd be amazed to learn otherwise. Edited April 28, 2019 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Ah yes, previous posts show there is more to the story than is being shared here... Are you actually divorced? Because if what has been posted previously is true, you left your marriage to be with your affair partner and that has not happened. It has indeed been a very toxic relationship, one again/off again but mostly off again... He probably didn’t expect you to actually leave your marriage, particularly because you have a son and that did not factor into his plan... So, where does it leave you now OP? Still pining for this guy? Obviously distressed that he has found someone else. I’m sorry to say it but, you need to let him go. This is not healthy for you or your son. It’s time to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 When you look at just about every affair any woman has you can quickly identify what's lacking in her marriage. In this case OP husband could care less about her comings and goings. He is ok with her having an affair for one of two reasons 1) he himself is having an affair and her having one just keeps her from looking into his actions. 2) he doesn't care about her. This other guy is very needy, so he is the counter balance to her husband who doesn't need or want her. That's a very good observation. I agree with it. I'd also say that the same is true if you reverse the genders. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 I dont think it's the same for men. Men will cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself. Most women encounter opportunities every day. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 I dont think it's the same for men. Men will cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself. Most women encounter opportunities every day. That may be (I'm not confirming or denying) but what I was agreeing with was not why a married person cheats, but why their spouse turns a blind eye. I think the reasons you stated that they turn a blind eye are universal regardless of gender. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 The one thing I think can be said with certainty here is that letting him go is best for everyone. You asked for suggestions on easing the distress of doing that. Here are a few: - Work on your marriage if possible - Socialize with friends - Get a good hobby that keeps your mind occupied and hopefully gets you to socialize as well - Exercise/work out - Get out in nature at least about 10 min a day - Find distractions - work, good TV shows - Avoid thinking about him (as much as possible) or anything that increases drama/poignancy; including looking at old texts or social media or similar Ultimately the distress will have a life of its own, so really the best course is to wait it out. May take quite a bit longer than you like to fade, but you should know that it WILL fade eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I am guessing your husband is ok with it because he is getting some on the side as well. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 You friend zoned your husband when you started your affair. 6 years later and you feel that the two of you are just friends, what did you thing would happen. Instead of working on your marriage you go and put all your time and energy into another man. Karma can be a so great to watch at times. You need to talk with your husband to see where your marriage stands. You need to cut all ties with your pos affair partner. You need individual counseling. You need marriage counseling if your husband wants to as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Since the OP hasn't returned we'll close this one up. Thank you all for your responses. Link to post Share on other sites
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