He won’t accept I’m leaving

[kenziejane]

I’m typing this with my phone so please forgive any typos. I’m going to attempt to make a long story short.

 

I’m 29 and have been with husband for 7 years. Married for 3. He’s 38 so there’s a significant age difference. We have never had a particularly happy or functioning marriage. Happy times, yes. But I have spent the last two years feeling very miserable and lonely.

 

My husband is a functioning alcoholic and video game addict. It’s gotten progressively worse with time but while he is never abusive or confrontational, I have always felt very pushed to the side in favor of these other things. He’ll play for hours sometimes while I spend time alone reading or such. I don’t mind hanging out solo but this is constant.

 

He tends to let responsibilities slide in favor of more playing time. I feel like I have a 21 year old roommate rather than a partner and an equal. We have drifted very apart emotionally and physically. These days, there’s no intimacy at all. We haven’t had sex in a year and I know it’s because he’s self conscious due to all the weight he’s put on while drinking.

 

I’ve talked to him multiple times about how I feel— that I want him to get help, or at least be more present in our relationship. It’d be nice to do things together or sleep consistently in the same bed (he crashes on the couch most nights). I’ve told him point blank dozens of times I’m unhappy and we need work, he needs to change. He tends to get into cycles where he tries to drink less during the week and ride his bicycle a little but then still gets absolutely hammered on weekends. Just last Saturday I caught him drinking a beer at 8am as I left for work. He couldn’t understand why I was so angry. It was “just one beer” and it’s not like he does it all the time.

 

This always tends to start the fight that nothing he does is ever enough so why bother? I just don’t know how to get him to see that he’s contributing to do the bare minimum, which is his thing in life. Coasting by when he knows he could be doing more.

 

I made the choice to leave. I’ve struggled to make this work for two years with little help from him. I tried counseling and he refused to go with me so I went alone. I tried Alanon. I’ve tried leaving for a few days and staying with a friend to see if that gets him to see I’m serious. Nothing.

 

I told him Friday I was thinking about leaving and no long wanted to stay in this barely functioning lonely relationship. Apparently he was blindsided. Cried, begged me to stay. I left and met with a friend to just get out of the house. What’s strange to me is that the rest of the weekend, he’s been acting like that conversation never happened. I work weekends and am generally busy but it’s like the words “I want to leave” never left my mouth.

 

In fact, the day after this conversation he played video games for three hours straight while I did nothing, alone. Which to me was a little telling. I thought he’d want to talk or make an attempt to spend time together but no. Just hopped on his gaming system and again acted like everything was normal. I stayed at my friends house (she just had a baby and needed some help, but also it was a good reason to not be at home). I said goodbye to him and he kissed me and said “let’s plan on grocery shopping tomorrow”....

 

I’m honestly baffled. It’s like that talk we had has been deleted from his memory. I’ve been so put off by it that when he tried to kiss me tonight, I gave him the cheek. He got very angry with me and asked why I reject him and make him feel like **** before storming out of the room.

 

I just really feel like I’m not being listened to, or taken seriously at all and it’s so disheartening. I guess I just want to know what I do next? Tell him again that I’m leaving? Start moving out? I have a place to stay. I love him and I don’t want to hurt him but I know I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore. It’s no longer working and I feel his intent to settle and stay stuck in the same place is holding me back.

 

I think he’ll make me the villain, which I can handle. I just want to try and make this as amicable as possible if I can and could use advice.

[BaileyB]

I think you file for divorce.

 

You don’t need his permission. You have made your decision. Now, you need to do it.

 

Pack a bag and find somewhere to go. Find a counsellor and surround yourself with friends. Seek support, what you are doing is very difficult.

 

He has made the decision for you. If the last seven years have shown you nothing else, he has had seven years to make a different decision and make a change. He has not done that. Don’t waste any more time...

 

I’m so sorry. You deserve more than what you are getting. But, if you want more... you are going to have to go and find it. Best wishes.

[basil67]

You're doing the right thing. About him acting as though he's ignoring that you're going, could it be that he is starting to have memory issues? Not that you should stay, but wondering if he has actually forgotten....

[vla1120]

It sounds like you have gone the extra mile in trying to salvage this relationship with no cooperation from him. He cannot pretend to be blindsided, and pretend that a conversation never happened. This was a ploy my husband used to use to try to manipulate me. After me voicing my concerns, etc. he would pretend the conversation never took place. It was maddening. I am not sure if this is an attempt at manipulation by your husband (if I just "innocently" pretend there is no problem, she'll stay and keep putting up with me), but if it is, call him on it.

 

Best of luck. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[S2B]

If you want this to change - you will be the one to take action.

 

He sees it as empty words... empty threats.

 

I’m sure you understand from Al Anon that the only one you can change is you. And that words without action means nothing.

 

Clearly your life would be more fulfilling without him as he doesn’t look like he adds any beauty to your daily life.

 

Ya know... when you feel alone IN a relationship - it’s easier knowing you’re on your own when you divorce.

 

File for divorce. You would be better off without the baby in the house that’s putting you at risk.

 

Morning drinking means he’s drinking all the tine - he’s just hiding it from you.

 

The marriage is a farce - because he’s not participating.

[snowcones]

A few things:

1) When you tell a man that you don't like that he does X, but you still stay with him while he's doing X, for years even, they begin to completely ignore your complaint. To them, you're still here, so it's not that much of a problem, right? When this has gone on for years, he can't understand why you're prattling on. Why can't things just stay the same and continue how they were? We've been doing it for this long and it's been fine? The longer you stay, the more comfortable he gets, the more a "precedent of being" is established, the more he'll act completely dumb and blindsided by you leaving. (even tho you've been complaining for years)

 

2) He hasn't even accepted that he's an alcoholic and a loser yet, so don't expect him to do any changing anytime soon after you leave. He has a loooooooong way to go, and depending on how deep he is into it and his level of discipline, he may not ever be able to overcome his bad habits. So wish him well and move on with your life.

[snowcones]

Oh and one more thing.....I hope you don't have another guy. Because if you do, that is going to blow up in your face and no matter what your husband is doing wrong, YOU are going to be the villian.

[giotto]

He doesn't remember you said those words because he's drinking and blacking out...

[elaine567]

.. or he has withdrawn into his comfy shell of drinking and video gaming and blocking out the nasty world.

If he doesn't acknowledge you leaving, it isn't going to happen, just like it has never happened before...

He doesn't believe you are really going to leave.

[Simple Logic]

His acceptance is not a requirement of you leaving.

[d0nnivain]

You stick to your plan & leave. You have given him many chances & he blew all of them. Because you always come back, he thinks this time will be just like those other times. Only your actions in actually leaving will show him he's wrong but that might not motivate him to change. If you wanted to leave you would be gone already. You are hoping that your threats will get him to change. Alas, they won't.

 

Stick with the Al-anon & use them for strength. You can make this amicable by not fighting but you are not going force the outcome you want, for him to wake up & change. Sorry.

[stillafool]

Who cares if he doesn't believe you? He'll believe it when you start packing your stuff and move out. You've already told him what you're going to do. If he was so drunk he couldn't process it that's his problem.

[Art_Critic]

Not really sure where you are on the "are you going to divorce him" train.. but if you have already made that decision then get an attorney, listen to them, trust them and go thru with the divorce.

 

But.. if you are still in love with him and wish to try and save the marriage you need to first start by saving yourself.

You are married to a full blown alcoholic (I also read your other thread last year).

You need to go to Alanon meetings in order to learn to help you get yourself back, you need to learn about your own codependency and why you put your own happiness behind his drinking.

 

If you don't go to Alanon then the chances are this won't work and you should ease out of this relationship.

 

He should also get some help, AA or the church, even getting dry in a treatment program, it won't work if he just cuts back.. he is an Alcoholic and can't admit he is powerless over Alcohol.

 

I also think you need to seek some help from your family, now is the time to open that door and get support from them.

Yes they might be surprised but you will be surprised how much you actually do need your family in this.

[BaileyB]

Donovan is absolutely on point.

 

He is not listening to you anymore because he has heard you say it so many times... and yet, you’ve stayed. He has learned what to say to get you to calm down, and then he goes back to his game... He thinks this time will be like every other time.

 

If you really wanted to leave, you would leave. Nothing would stop you.

 

His acceptance is not a requirement for your leaving.

[kenziejane]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

 

I'm ready to divorce. I don't want to reconcile, and I don't want to separate and see if it'll work in a year or however long. I've been stuck in the same cycle for long enough. Even if this turns out to be his wake up call, it's too little too late.

 

I know someone mentioned trying to get him into AA-- been there, done that. He refused every single time I asked. Mostly because he is not religious and said he can't get on board with that aspect of it. I also suspect it's because he doesn't want to completely stop drinking.

 

I called my mom this morning and she said to talk to a divorce attorney before doing anything. I know divorces can get expensive and cost thousands of dollars, but I'm trying so hard to avoid that. Neither of us make a lot of money. But my mom said something along the lines that me leaving could be seen as me forfeiting the rights to any property I have in the home. Such as furniture, personal belongings, and such. And he could refuse to let me back into the house.

 

We rent, so it's not like we have a house to decide what to do with and our lease is month to month so we wouldn't be breaking it. I don't know how true what my mom said is, but I should know my rights at the very least.

 

I guess I'm just not sure what to do because the apartment I'm getting won't be move-in ready for a few weeks. Since I'm the one wanting the separation, I assumed this would mean I need to leave and go stay with a friend or something. My mom said I could suggest for him to go stay with his mother (who is close by-- I, on the other hand, don't have the option of moving home and would have to crash on a friend's couch for a while).

 

I know this is going to be a long, difficult process. I can't rush it, but I just want to get the ball rolling.

[stillafool]

Definitely talk to an attorney but with very little joint assets I don't see where the divorce should be very costly or drawn out. Either way you can start proceedings after you move out. Is it worth the hassle of trying to take furniture out of that apartment to move with you?

[kenziejane]

No, you're right. I guess it's not.

 

The only thing I really want, like I said, is the car that's in both our names. I'm just worried about having nothing and starting over from scratch. The furniture we own was all a joint purchase...

 

But I guess at the end of the day, things are just things.

 

I'll call an attorney today and ask my friend if she minds me couch surfing for a few weeks until my new place is ready.

[preraph]

Alcoholism and marathon video game playing are both symptoms of the same thing. He's using them both as an escape from his thoughts and real life, and the likely reason has nothing to do with you and everything to do with however he was raised and brought up and whatever happened to him when he was young. He's anesthetizing and he's done this instead of making himself mature and work through whatever his issues are.

 

That's why it seems like it should be a simple fix to you if he would just change, but why it will not change.

 

Do not wait for his permission to leave. He's not going to stay focused on it long enough to make you the bad guy for very long. Any judge would understand why you're trying to move on from an alcoholic overgrown adolescent who only plays video games and doesn't deal with real life.

 

But you need to get an attorney and get this thing underway and get it over with as soon as you can. I advise you move out and in fact it may be that you have to move out and stay separated for a year before divorce is final in your state I just don't know but the attorney will know. So the sooner you separate the better. You get an attorney and don't rely on your husband to do the fair thing. Do it right the first time.

 

No one needs to live with that. No one needs to have children with that.

[BaileyB]

Definitely talk to an attorney. Many will provide a free consult.

 

Don’t move out or make any other decisions until you have spoken with an attorney.

 

Wishing you strength!

[kenziejane]

My friend just texted me the name and number of an attorney she knows so I will be giving them a call directly after work. At the very least she can answer my questions, before pointing me in the direction of an actual divorce attorney she recommends.

[Art_Critic]

I'm ready to divorce. I don't want to reconcile, and I don't want to separate and see if it'll work in a year or however long. I've been stuck in the same cycle for long enough.

 

I'll bet it's nice to see that in the written form, good on you....

Keep up being stoic and move forward... and use us anytime you need us.

[Nnam]

Define what you want for yourself, your safety and peace of mind should be paramount above anything else. You don't need his acknowledgment to get a better life if he isn't willing to change.

[kenziejane]

Thanks, all!

 

The support is much appreciated!

[Mr. Lucky]

But I guess at the end of the day, things are just things.

 

Well said, I'll bet the couch has few sweat and beer stains anyway !

 

Take the car, leave the rest behind. You can furnish an apartment cheaply thru Craigslist, estate sales, etc. Your attorney can provide guidance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenziejane]

Mr. Lucky, your comment actually made me laugh a little. Hits very close to home...we've had this couch for less than two years and the portion where he camps out is faded from sweat stains and definitely reeks of beer. I've lost count of how many times I've tried to spot shot the thing. Maybe a new couch wouldn't be so bad.