He won’t accept I’m leaving

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear you are divorcing but sometimes it's the right thing. It will probably be painful in various ways, but sounds like staying is painful too in it's own way. Hope that better days are ahead for you once you get through this!

[healing light]

I don't know if you're in the US, but I'm part of a community called "buy nothing" in my area. There are various chapters throughout different cities where people essentially post belongings for free, like a garage sale without the price. Sofas, beds, toys, you name it. Usually neighbors are upgrading and so they have a TV or fridge or something of the sort that they don't want to have to bother moving but it still works. You can also ask for things and if your community has helpful neighbors who don't mind lending or giving away whatever thing you need, viola! There is no exchange of money, it's just a project founded upon neighbors connecting with and helping out other neighbors.

 

I suggest finding something similar in your area if it exists--don't let some depreciating furniture be the reason you stay trapped in this lackluster marriage. You will feel so much better not to be surrounded by the energy and memories of old crap he's been drinking on.

 

I think he's banking on not acknowledging your threat of leaving as a way of diffusing it. He doesn't want it to happen, so he feels if he doesn't give it any attention, it will subside and you'll swallow your unhappiness like you always do.

Edited April 30, 2019 by healing light

[PegNosePete]

My friend just texted me the name and number of an attorney she knows so I will be giving them a call directly after work. At the very least she can answer my questions, before pointing me in the direction of an actual divorce attorney she recommends.

Ah, be careful of this kind of thing. Just because someone is a good corporate law or personal tax or workplace injury lawyer, doesn't make them a good divorce lawyer. Rather like asking a the best brain surgeon in the world to do a triple heart bypass.

 

You should certainly see at least 3 or 4 lawyers. Many do a free initial consultation so it will cost you nothing, you can get a whole bunch of great advice, and you'll be able to choose the one you like best. As you say, it can get expensive. But it can be more expensive NOT to. It depends on the assets at stake, really. Don't be afraid to ask about fees and how to minimise them.

 

When it comes to moving out or not, it's not necessarily about what is legal. If you move out you have the legal right to return to the marital home whenever you like, but what will you do if he has changed the locks? If you try to break in he could call the police, report a disturbance of the peace, and have you removed. Just because you have the legal right of entry doesn't mean you can exercise that right in practice.

 

As for possessions left in the house, chances are if you leave then you'll be giving them up. Chattels as they are called, are usually valued at 2nd hand price, meaning only the most expensive or antique are worth fighting over. Making a list of items of furniture and arguing about who gets the coffee table or the sofa, is simply not worth the lawyer's fees. So if you do move out, take everything you want with you, and assume he will get to keep anything you leave. It may be that he will give you some stuff later, but better to assume not. Certainly take all sentimental items, jewellery, your important paperwork, etc.

[elaine567]

Some people hire a storage unit/space and take their prize possessions there prior to the move out, as the move out itself can get chaotic especially with a guy who doesn't want you to go and will try his hardest to keep your stuff.

If you move stuff out bit by bit he may not realise what you are doing.

If challenged you say you are taking stuff to the dump/recycling...

[vla1120]

I wanted to add that twice now, I've walked away without any possessions except my mother's painting and my clothing/personal items. I have had to furnish two apartments, which was quite expensive. To get started, I got some pretty decent furniture from FB Marketplace and Craigslist. I also visited places like Goodwill and Habitat for Humanity and picked up some pretty good items.

 

Like you said, they are just "things." Your sanity and well-being are much more important.

[kenziejane]

I know I need to speak to several divorce lawyers. My friend's contact told me she can't give me legal advice but could answer basic questions and give me names of several divorce attorneys. So that's why I'm starting there. As far as him changing the locks, he can't. We lease. He'd have to go through the landlord in order to make that happen, so I can't see that. There really isn't much in the house I care about. I care that I keep the car I drive to and from work every day the most, and my clothing, books, laptop. I made copies of all the important paperwork regarding the car and our lease on it when he wasn't home. I've also had several friends and family members offer me furniture they no longer use.

 

Today I packed up some of my belongings, and officially put the deposit down on my new apartment. My move in date got moved back...so now it's June 1st instead of May 18th. But at lease I know I have somewhere to go at the end of the month that is mine...

 

I'm struggling to deal with AH. Last night he was very abrasive with me. Started a whole new fight about how I won't kiss him or tell him I love him, how I treat him like **** and he would NEVER do that to me. I reiterated I was unhappy, didn't want to work on the relationship, was done.

 

And of course his response was 'why? why can't we try?'

 

It didn't seem to matter how many times I said I'd been trying for two years and now I was tired of trying. He immediately came out with the fact that he's spent the last month doing better (i.e.- not drinking liquor (beer only), riding his bike once a week, not drinking in the morning, looking for a better job, etc). And how nothing is ever good enough for me. It made me feel bad....everything I said came back at me...'You're not perfect either, I put up with your issues, etc'.

 

The conversation ended when he slammed the bedroom door. Didn't come out the rest of the night. I was so annoyed I just slept on the couch in the clothes I wore to the gym because I didn't want to go in there and see him! He came out about 11pm and said I could come into the bed and then proceeded to get pissed off when I said I was fine where I was. Was still angry this morning when I didn't kiss him goodbye or say I love you.

 

This is what I expected, but it's so hard. It's so hard when he makes me feel this terrible, like wanting out of this relationship is wrong and unfair. Like because he's been trying for a month, the past two years of misery don't matter. I think he's going to be spiteful and make this divorce difficult for me. He may be lazy in many ways, but I could see him trying to hurt me by making this hard.

 

Ugh.

 

I just want to leave now. I can't stay in that house.

[Mr. Lucky]

He may be lazy in many ways, but I could see him trying to hurt me by making this hard.

 

The attempts to hurt and guilt you are just another form of laziness, emotional and intellectual in this case. Instead of asking himself "what have I contributed to this disconnect", he's blaming you. Lazy...

 

(i.e.- not drinking liquor (beer only), riding his bike once a week, not drinking in the morning, looking for a better job, etc).

 

Tell him those improvements - and any others he'd like to make - will serve him well as he moves on with his life. Although only an alcoholic would think "not drinking in the morning" was an honest attempt to make a contribution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Lucky for you he can't make the divorce hard because you guys don't own a lot of assets. It should be pretty cut and dry. If you guys owned homes and kids it would be different story.

[preraph]

Pack your stuff up and go. You can't wait for him to endorse it. Won't happen and could get really hairy. Get one family law attorney to start whatever needs to be done, but go move in with a friend or relative or save up and get your own place asap.

[kenziejane]

I think I have no choice but to leave now. He's so combative and defensive, and just can't understand why I'm detaching.

 

I think I could survive for a month on my friend's couch until my apartment is ready in June.

[BaileyB]

For your own safety and well-being, you need to leave. Go and stay with a friend.

 

He is emotionally manipulative and abusive, best to get out before you see what happens next. People who feel threatened can be really unpredictable.

[Mr. Lucky]

People who feel threatened can be really unpredictable.

 

And mix in alcohol and any other recreational substances, even more dangerous. Time to phone a friend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Don't tell him where you're going. In fact, lie. Say you'll likely get a motel. That way if he looks for you, he'll be looking there.

[kenziejane]

You all have no idea how helpful you've been. I feel like I have a small army behind me, which is nice. Every time I start to doubt what I'm doing, I read all your posts and am reminded that this has been going on too long, I'm unhappy, and it needs to end.

 

I started packing my belongings last night and will make the move to my friend's house tomorrow. I have the day off and AH will be at work, so it's an ideal time to get some of my things out. I'm absolutely going to get an attorney next, because after our last few interactions, I think he is going to fight tooth and nail to make this hard.

 

Last night while I was packing, he again kept coming at me with how unfair it was that I was unwilling to try and make this work. That he was willing to try and be a better man for me, but I'm not giving him the chance. Ugh. Ended with him telling me to just 'get the **** out'. Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you. It'd be nice if you tried to love me back'. Ugh again.

 

I'll feel relief to be on my friend's couch tomorrow night, regardless with how much of my stuff I end up having to leave behind.

[Aja3]

Your story sounds horribly similar to mine. Please leave if you can. My husband is suffering from the same type of extreme denial, expectation to try harder, combativeness, aggressiveness. Unwilling to accept divorce papers. Process server has attempted service 3 times already. I had to leave my home with the children over the weekend because he drank too much and we were forced to leave for safety. If you don’t have children, get out. So much more difficult to do when you have them. Praying for you even though I don’t know you as this is a very difficult thing to go through.

[stillafool]

I've been where you are too OP and it's best to tell him as little as possible about your plans. I cannot stress to you how important it is that you get out now. He is saying and trying anything to get you to stay and his next move might be violence if he gets desperate enough. It's good that you are moving while he is away. I hope you will be gone when he gets home or it may not be nice for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you. It'd be nice if you tried to love me back'. Ugh again.

 

You're a little too vested in his reaction. Easier said than done, but you need to let that go.

 

Once you're out the door and have an attorney, is there a reason to be communicating with him at all?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Last night while I was packing, he again kept coming at me with how unfair it was that I was unwilling to try and make this work. That he was willing to try and be a better man for me, but I'm not giving him the chance. Ugh. Ended with him telling me to just 'get the **** out'. Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you. It'd be nice if you tried to love me back'. Ugh again.

 

I'll feel relief to be on my friend's couch tomorrow night, regardless with how much of my stuff I end up having to leave behind.

 

Whatever you may leave behind is not nearly as valuable as your sanity and self-care. You gave him plenty of time and chances to be a better man. Stay the course regardless of what barbs he throws at you, trying to make you feel guilty for "abandoning" him. You are doing the right thing.

[Blanco]

Please be careful. This situation has all the makings of a story that eventually escalates to where your actual safety and well being is in jeopardy.

[Whodatdog]

I know this was a difficult move for you to make, but believe me, you will be so happy, relieved, relaxed, and with a smile on your face, when its over. You have all of your life to look forward to, and you'll be able to do whatever it is that you want to do. Remember, actions speak louder than words, and his actions have spoken volumes. When people tell you who they are, believe them.