Is Not Wanting to Have Kids a Deal-Breaker For You?

[MeadowFlower]

Well as the title says, is it a deal-breaker for you if the woman you are dating or in a relationship with, does not want to have children?

[chillii]

lf l was that age again and l wanted kids but she didn't, ever, yep , it'd be a no go for me,

[basil67]

One of the reasons my hubby broke up with his ex before me was that she didn't want kids.

[Blind-Sided]

Everyone is different. I would have been fine without kids... but STBxW wanted them very much. So... we had kids.

 

 

I have a friend who was VERY much against having kids in his marriage... it was almost the end of his relationship with his current wife. But she eventually found that her love for him was larger than the need to have children.

 

 

I guess, to me... if it wasn't talked about before a marriage... then it shouldn't be a valid point to end a marriage.

 

 

But finally... the only person who can answer that question is you.

[d0nnivain]

I was dating in my late 30s & worried I could not have kids. Turned out by the time we married & started trying it wasn't possible.

 

Because not having kids is a deal breaker for some it is an issue that must be discussed. You don't want to fool somebody into thinking that you'd be OK with kids if you are not.

[stillafool]

No, for me wanting kids was a deal breaker.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'd think most guys would be turned off and it would be a deal breaker...Some men would even look negatively at a woman who was anti kids, (even if they didn't themselves want kids), as most guys view women who have had kids as more desirable,shows they are fertile, perhaps less self centered and more nurturing etc..if all else equal...

 

Maybe things are changing with the new generations, but its a big deal for a lot of guys in my age range..

 

TFY

[preraph]

It will be a deal-breaker overall. I didn't have kids. There are guys out there who don't care if you have kids or not. Infected mild crowd a lot of them didn't have kids. so I had one guy that it was certainly a factor because he wanted kids bad and he was just getting out of his first marriage. So it was a deal-breaker for him.

 

and then one of my boyfriends it was a plus. He didn't want kids at all and I expect his first wife did.

 

But you need to be upfront about it. the thing you have to watch out for is plenty of guys will have sex with you if you're not wanting to have kids. They figure it's not even risk that you'll get pregnant. and there are plenty of people who will string you along and act like they don't care but do simply because they don't care if they have a permanent relationship or not. but I found that people who don't want kids will be upfront about it and just tell you if the subject comes up. There are all kinds of forums and Facebook pages for childfree people. that's the key word for people who don't want them rather than people who want them but can't have them which are called childless.

 

I would expect that by now there is some sort of dating app or something for people who don't want kids but I haven't heard about it specifically.

[loversquarrel]

I think I would appreciate the honesty but not be able to carry on in a relationship as I would wonder in the back of my mind her level of selfishness. If however she couldn't physically or handle it emotionally it would not be a deal-breaker.

[Nnam]

Depends on how much I like the person, but I have a feeling it would be regardless.

[Mr. Lucky]

Depends on how much I like the person

 

I think it's two separate things. For a relationship to work, you have to check off both boxes - strong feelings, compatible goals...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

Well as the title says, is it a deal-breaker for you if the woman you are dating or in a relationship with, does not want to have children?

 

 

It depends on who your intended audience is.

Asking single childless guys this question, you will get a totally different answer than married guys or who guys who have kids.

Who do you want to date?

 

 

Clearly a single, actively-looking-for-someone guy who doesn't want any kids would find you to be a pure treasure. A single guy who has kids who are grown and doesn't want any more would also be open to dating you. It starts getting a little bit more hairy when you start dating guys who have minor children, and even more hairy with guys who actively want to have a baby. There are a fair amount of guys who don't care either way, but they are usually the kind who are just looking for a companion and sexual partner and will do/go along with whatever she wants. Which includes not having any children.

Edited April 29, 2019 by snowcones

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am looking for a unicorn: that single guy that is around 40 and doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. I find that all guys like that want kids and thus reject women their own age, even if they want kids. It's heart-breaking to watch as I have some late 30s-early 40s female friends who desperately want kids. Yet guys their age won't even consider them because they are past their fertility peak

[snowcones]

I am looking for a unicorn: that single guy that is around 40 and doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. I find that all guys like that want kids and thus reject women their own age, even if they want kids. It's heart-breaking to watch as I have some late 30s-early 40s female friends who desperately want kids. Yet guys their age won't even consider them because they are past their fertility peak

 

 

I have a couple of friends like this too and you have to keep hope! I have hope for them.

[preraph]

The only thing I found childfree people to have in common when I moderated a forum was that many were in some way unconventional. Because not having kids in itself is unconventional, so they have to have that streak in them, but it can manifest itself in many ways.

 

My words got botched by google voice up there but I was trying to say my old crowd, many did not have children, and that was a music crowd, a glammy and punky music crowd. They were having a blast living their lives and having a child would have slowed them down and probably ruined their relationships because someone had to stay home and the other be out carousing.

 

So look for people who are less conventional. Of course, career-oriented women who love what they do may opt not to stop and have kids, but many will if they really want them, and they can do it.

 

As far as being judged for being selfish, far more selfish to have a child you don't want. There is nothing at all wrong for having your own path and not doing what the rest of the herd does.

[RecentChange]

I have always been very clear about the fact that I do not want kids.

 

I dated a few guys who seemed pretty sure that I would change my mind.....and we kept it casual, as it was clear we could never be serious.

 

When I met my now husband, not only had I met someone who I connected with better than anyone I had ever encountered, we also discovered we were super compatible. Lifestyle, communication style, and goals - which included never having children. So for him obviously it was not a deal breaker.

 

The social circle and where you live also influence this. I am in San Francisco. There are more dogs than children here (yes really look it up!). Childless couples aren't so much of a rarity here, I know lots of them (just got back from a weekend trip spent with 4 other child free couples).

 

Among the professionals I work with, there are a larger number of childless, and same goes for my equestrian stuff, lots of married, child free children.

 

It's one of those fundamental compatibility issues. I don't think you should be asking if it's a deal breaker for guys, you should instead be looking for men who enjoy their child free life and do not want children.

[MeadowFlower]

As far as being judged for being selfish, far more selfish to have a child you don't want. There is nothing at all wrong for having your own path and not doing what the rest of the herd does.

 

Good to read this.

[JuneL]

I have a couple of friends like this too and you have to keep hope! I have hope for them.

 

I think 35-40 yo single women who want kids probably have the toughest time dating. They have to worry about the timeline constantly and may give off a desperate vibe. There’re threads on here in which a woman has barely been dating her bf a few months but is already constantly worrying why the guy hasn’t proposed and if he’s serious about having kids with her.

[JuneL]

“As far as being judged for being selfish”

 

Why would this be selfish? There’re millions of ways one can contribute to future generations in general and children in particular without passing his/her genes.

[RecentChange]

Yeah the selfish thing always got me - kinda defies logic.

 

If it's a planned pregnancy - doesn't someone choose to have a child because it's something they want? That they want to experience motherhood. That they want a child from their flesh and blood. That they want purpose, fulfillment etc. They want something, starting with a baby.

 

Now, if we were talking about fostering or adoption, I think that's fairly selfless, that's a lot of work just because another human needs it.

 

But having a child because you want one? That's not selfless, that's carrying out a personal goal.

[central]

In my 20s and 30s, I was indifferent. My ex did want kids, and we had one. After I freed myself of her, my priority was to find someone who did NOT want any more children (or had none to begin with). Priorities may change with time and circumstance.

[thefooloftheyear]

“As far as being judged for being selfish”

 

Why would this be selfish? There’re millions of ways one can contribute to future generations in general and children in particular without passing his/her genes.

 

 

While this is true, there does seem to be a common thread among the people I know who have no kids..

 

They are the last one's you call if you need anything...Their lives revolve around themselves and their toys, their hobbies, their friends, etc...

 

And the women all seem to be the type where their career is their "be all and end all" in their lives...To most guys that's a turn off.. Sorry to say, and understand I'm not knocking it, just making an observation...

 

Most people that never had kids will never truly understand the level of commitment involved...You no longer live for yourself...Its the kind of thing you have to experience to truly understand..

 

Understand there are plenty of piece of shyt mothers that should have never had kids...I get that...But the vast majority are seen in a more positive light by a typical man...Not all, and there are plenty that find their soulmates that have similar ideology, but its not that typical..

 

TFY

[Springsummer]

I have always been very clear about the fact that I do not want kids.

 

 

May I ask why don't you want children?

 

just the other days, I talked with a friend about freezing eggs...I don't even know what I want...there are always pros and cons in everything.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MeadowFlower]

“As far as being judged for being selfish”

 

Why would this be selfish? There’re millions of ways one can contribute to future generations in general and children in particular without passing his/her genes.

 

But preraph was saying it wasn't selfish?? Is that right @preraph.

[Tribble]

I met my BF at work and he didn't ask me out for 18 months purely because he thought I didn't want children. Some off the hand remark about how much work they are I think (which they are!). He really wants kids, it's in his life plan and is a goal of his. Why would he start a relationship with someone who doesn't want them? It would waste time on a relationship that doesn't have legs instead of spending that time finding someone actually compatible.

 

Both my ex and current partner have wanted kids. When I was younger, I was unsure but leaning towards no. My BF made it clear that if it turned out no, we would break up. Which is completely fair. It is a fundamental incompatibility. In this case, there is no compromise.

 

Is not wanting a kid a deal breaker for everyone? Of course not. Like with all aspects of a relationship, you have to find compatibility in your partner.