Is Not Wanting to Have Kids a Deal-Breaker For You?

[JuneL]

Most people that never had kids will never truly understand the level of commitment involved...You no longer live for yourself...Its the kind of thing you have to experience to truly understand..

 

Understand there are plenty of piece of shyt mothers that should have never had kids...I get that...But the vast majority are seen in a more positive light by a typical man...Not all, and there are plenty that find their soulmates that have similar ideology, but its not that typical..

 

I can sort of see your point. I am the proud aunt to the young kids of my siblings and my little nephew in particular sees me like his second mommy So I know what it takes to be a mother.

 

That said, we can turn around the argument in that some mothers are also quite self-centered: They think everything has to revolve around their own kids; they expect everyone be to super accommodating to their lives simply because they have kids. I work in a male dominated field and there’re occasions in which my colleagues (fathers in this case) would use their kids as an excuse to avoid certain work, e.g., they can’t meet with clients for dinner because they have to be home for dinner with their kiddos.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

“As far as being judged for being selfish”

 

Why would this be selfish? There’re millions of ways one can contribute to future generations in general and children in particular without passing his/her genes.

 

 

For starters, in the US, people without kids pay WAY more taxes. Seems unfair to choose not to have a kid sometimes maybe because you couldn't afford it and then have to pay for everyone else's in taxes of all kinds.

[preraph]

Yeah the selfish thing always got me - kinda defies logic

 

That "selfish" thing is just people who feel like martyrs because their lives are harder due to their own decisions or carelessness.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

While this is true, there does seem to be a common thread among the people I know who have no kids..

 

They are the last one's you call if you need anything...Their lives revolve around themselves and their toys, their hobbies, their friends, etc...

 

 

OMG, if only that were true. I've had so many friends impose on me because I don't have kids. They obviously think I twiddle my thumbs all day.

[RecentChange]

May I ask why don't you want children?

 

just the other days, I talked with a friend about freezing eggs...I don't even know what I want...there are always pros and cons in everything.

 

For me, its just one of those things I have always known, for as long as I can remember – and there are so many reasons.

 

As a child, when we all played “house” I would absolutely refuse to play the mother – anything but that please. The role of “mom” never appealed to me in the slightest. There was nothing about being a mom that I desired. When others would talk about how many kids they wanted, names they liked – I confessed that I never wanted any.

 

Perhaps it is also because I grew up somewhat of a tom boy. The feminine role of mother is not one I identified with at all – I always thought dads had a better gig.

 

I don’t enjoy children, not young ones, not older ones. Babies repel me. I don’t find them endearing, but rather just underdeveloped, incapable people.

 

The idea of pregnancy and childbirth horrify me.

 

I don’t think I am so special that the world needs more of me. I don’t have fantastic genes to pass on, and I think that there are already way too many humans on earth as it is. I don’t need to add to it.

 

Many of the women I admired growing up did not have children, and lived the kind of life I hoped to build for myself one day.

 

I don’t know that I would have the patients for child rearing -especially being as it doesn’t appeal to me. I worry that I could become some sort of abuser.

 

I don’t want to be responsible for bringing a person into this world, spend all my energy on it. I think kids should be a parents #1 priority – and I have no desire to shape my life around a child.

 

I don’t want to add the stress a child brings to my relationship.

 

Not to mention my career, hobbies, travel, freedom etc.

 

Those are just a few reasons. I could go on and on.

 

My dad tells a story about when I was about 10 years old, I declared that I would have a horse someday, but never any children (I have a horse these days!) Neither of my parents ever gave me ANY pressure to have children, they know me well, and understand I am making the right choice for myself.

 

Now that I am 40, I can honestly say I am living out many of those dreams I had as a child. The kind of life style I envisioned, a life that makes me happy.

[Kitty Tantrum]

It came close to being a deal-breaker for me that my fiancé doesn't want children, even though I already have two of my own from my first marriage. If I'd been childless when we met, the relationship would have ended when he told me that. As it is, I wondered if his opposition to having children was an indication that he wouldn't be a good fit for the role of step-dad - but this is not the case at all. He's great with my kids, is an excellent role model, and likes having them around - just has a few reasons to not want to make any more of his own. I'm at peace with that.

 

Not exactly an answer to the question as asked, but another perspective.

[Shining One]

It's not a deal-breaker for me. It's something I actively search for... the problem is finding women who don't want kids. Maybe it will be easier now that I'm my late thirties... I'll let you know when I start looking.

[MeadowFlower]

@RecentChange, can we be friends haha

 

And it's good you found a guy who is happy with you not wanting kids, and that he doesn't look down on you for that.

[RecentChange]

@RecentChange, can we be friends haha

 

And it's good you found a guy who is happy with you not wanting kids, and that he doesn't look down on you for that.

 

His conviction to not have kids is almost as strong as mine! He certainly doesn't look down on me for my choice, he tends to think we are the only sane ones

 

After we spend time with friends that are parents, he usually makes some sort of "thank goodness that isn't us" comment to me in private.

 

Interestingly he has a brother and sister, and neither of them have kids, nor seem to have any interest in having any.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, in our social circle, not having kids isn't a rarity.

[Leigh 87]

I am looking for a unicorn: that single guy that is around 40 and doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. I find that all guys like that want kids and thus reject women their own age, even if they want kids. It's heart-breaking to watch as I have some late 30s-early 40s female friends who desperately want kids. Yet guys their age won't even consider them because they are past their fertility peak

 

It's 2019. The sperm bank and single mum by choice insemination is a thing now.

 

If I found myself single mid 30s that's exactly what I would do. True love is hard to find (I've only found it once) so I would personally not wait for it and go ahead just have the kid or kids I desperately wanted NOW and look for love later, if I were them.

[Leigh 87]

While this is true, there does seem to be a common thread among the people I know who have no kids..

 

They are the last one's you call if you need anything...Their lives revolve around themselves and their toys, their hobbies, their friends, etc...

 

And the women all seem to be the type where their career is their "be all and end all" in their lives...To most guys that's a turn off.. Sorry to say, and understand I'm not knocking it, just making an observation...

 

Most people that never had kids will never truly understand the level of commitment involved...You no longer live for yourself...Its the kind of thing you have to experience to truly understand..

 

Understand there are plenty of piece of shyt mothers that should have never had kids...I get that...But the vast majority are seen in a more positive light by a typical man...Not all, and there are plenty that find their soulmates that have similar ideology, but its not that typical..

 

TFY

 

Oh please...

 

I am a super generous and kind individual myself. And I'm currently childless

 

I don't particularly think that the mum's I know are less selfish and more nurturing and generous than I am... I mean, me and my childless friends are truly kind and giving people..if anything, the mum's I know are more selfish with others who are not their own children. All they care about is their children and everything else just doesn't matter...

 

In fact...all the mum's I know are too busy raising their own children that they don't have time to be very generous of giving with anyone other than their own families.

 

I think it's a myth..most women are mum's and most people I know after magically happier or more womanly or giving just for having pushed a baby out.....

 

I no longer live for myself. I live for my fiance my dogs and my friends and parents. Don't need a kid to for that. Although I am desperately hoping for a child in the next couple of years but I already live a very unselfish life and believe I'll become more selfish WITH my child since they are all I'll care about for the first few years... Especially given the child is very much wanted , I will be so wrapped up and obsessed with my own baby that other people will probably get a raw deal as far as my love and duties go.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Leigh 87

[gaius]

Whenever I hear someone talking about how they want a big family it makes me cringe. I have no problem with already parents but at this point in our history one of the worst things you can do in your life is to have a lot of kids. There's enough kids already. The earth is drowning in kids. And if you really can't stand being childless have one and leave it at that. Seriously.

 

So no, it's not a deal breaker.

[guest569]

There are tonnes of guys out there who don't want kids either. So no it won't be a deal breaker at all. What has been your experience with this so far?

[stillafool]

What's interesting to me are parents who ask "why didn't you want kids?" and then I tell them followed by my question, "why did you have kids?" Then they are appalled. WTF???

[preraph]

What I've noticed is that people who are truly happy with their family and children are not at all judgy about people who don't have kids, and I believe that is the vast majority. It's the ones who have some envy or regret who find it necessary to convince themselves they did the right thing.

 

The two people who tried their best to bully me about it at work we're two Hispanic women who already had three kids by the time they were 19. One of them is better now but the other one just can't get past it. She's just not happy a lot. Most people on the office find her grumpy. The bad one would ask every day about me not having kids. I gave it ample time to go away but then I took the next step of being proactive about telling them where I was going and what I was doing when I left work, like I think I'll take a nap, or I'm going to have a leisurely lunch, things that she could never do. that's what finally shut her up on the subject but she still hates me.

[Wallysbears]

Wanting/having kids was a deal breaker for me. When I was dating, I was looking for a man that wanted to get married and have kids. Would not have settled for anything less.

 

We got married, we had a son.

 

We are happy and life is good.

 

 

What anyone else chooses is up to them. It wasn't an option to me to not want kids. And I'm forever grateful to my husband who went to hell and back with me to have one.

[preraph]

Yes and that's who should have kids, people who really want them, not people who are just so disorganized that they couldn't stop themselves from getting pregnant or people who don't really want them but think they should.

[thefooloftheyear]

Where it becomes a stumbling block is when someone says flat out that they don't want kids...I can't tell you how many people felt this way at one point in their lives, then changed their mind and happy that they did..

 

So I think for many people they want to know that at least the other person would consider it.....Not that they would then do it, but that there is some crack in the door and its not completely shut...

 

TFY

[RecentChange]

Where it becomes a stumbling block is when someone says flat out that they don't want kids...I can't tell you how many people felt this way at one point in their lives, then changed their mind and happy that they did..

 

So I think for many people they want to know that at least the other person would consider it.....Not that they would then do it, but that there is some crack in the door and its not completely shut...

 

TFY

 

Perhaps for many, but certainly not for all.

 

Times…. They are a changin’

 

Birth rates are falling globally, they are lower in the US than they have been in three decades. Birth rates are decliding in Japan, Sweden, Norway, Canada, South Korea, Italy, I could go on.

 

More and more people are choosing not to have children. Once upon a time not having kids was taboo. Women weren’t really women unless they birth, or at least desperately wanted to birth a child.

 

With the changes in women’s rights, and roles in society, many are coming to the conclusion that they do not NEED to have children. When the pressure is off, when the social norms adjust, more are deciding to follow their own path, and not what society has dictated to them.

 

It is becoming increasingly acceptable to not have children and the statics are reflecting that.

 

Add to that the current economic state in this country, dual provider families, lack of child care, etc –many are choosing to forego the whole reproduction thing.

 

I am not sure how old the OP is – but Millennials have a lower fertility rate (ie live births) than the generations before them. If someone wants to be child free, and is a millennial, I hazard to guess they will have a much easier time finding a like minded partner than lets say a woman from the boomer generation.

 

https://psmag.com/news/the-us-birth-rate-is-still-falling

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/the-child-free-life-why-so-many-american-women-are-deciding-not-to-have-kids/2018/05/31/89793784-64de-11e8-a768-ed043e33f1dc_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.f16d63d27efa

 

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-46118103

 

https://www.forbes.com/sites/neilhowe/2019/03/29/nations-labor-to-raise-their-birthrates/#790089c3707d

 

I think this snippet addresses the reasons many women like my self identify with:

 

Here’s the answer: choices. For the first time in human history, women truly have them. A lot of women don’t feel pressured to have kids they don’t want.....

 

For generations, women who weren’t feeling the parenting pull usually gave in and gave up, thanks to social, spousal or parental pressure. And that was the recipe for misery, the fuel for all those furtive, chardonnay-fueled “I Regret Having Children” posts and pages.

Edited May 2, 2019 by RecentChange

[guest569]

If it's a deal breaker because you want children and the other person does not, fine. Enough said.

 

But don't try to justify discriminatory views and stereotypes about someone because they do not want children or cannot have children. If someone is infertile or has low fertility, it does not make them a cold, horrible person. It doesn't mean they are not maternal/paternal, caring, selfless. On the other hand, someone could be extremely fertile and choose not to breed. Again, says nothing about who they are as a person.

 

This is 2019. It is 100% the decision of individuals, and it is no-one else's business.

 

It would be ridiculous to label all who do not own a cat as selfish and cold-hearted. So let's not do that. It just makes us sound incredibly dumb.

[Prudence V]

Neither I nor my H wanted kids. However, fate thrust one kid apiece on both of us. They’re grown up and left home now, so we’ve done our duty and have escaped all the judge types that insist other people breed. But for us both, not wanting kids was a given. When we got together, it would have been a dealbreaker if either of us wanted more. We were both just escaping the yoke at that stage, and willingly going back there wasn’t an option.

 

And while we both love our kids, being free of all that and just enjoy our relationship is the greatest blessing.

[Springsummer]

For me, its just one of those things I have always known, for as long as I can remember – and there are so many reasons.

 

As a child, when we all played “house” I would absolutely refuse to play the mother – anything but that please. The role of “mom” never appealed to me in the slightest. There was nothing about being a mom that I desired. When others would talk about how many kids they wanted, names they liked – I confessed that I never wanted any.

 

Perhaps it is also because I grew up somewhat of a tom boy. The feminine role of mother is not one I identified with at all – I always thought dads had a better gig.

 

I don’t enjoy children, not young ones, not older ones. Babies repel me. I don’t find them endearing, but rather just underdeveloped, incapable people.

 

The idea of pregnancy and childbirth horrify me.

 

I don’t think I am so special that the world needs more of me. I don’t have fantastic genes to pass on, and I think that there are already way too many humans on earth as it is. I don’t need to add to it.

 

Many of the women I admired growing up did not have children, and lived the kind of life I hoped to build for myself one day.

 

I don’t know that I would have the patients for child rearing -especially being as it doesn’t appeal to me. I worry that I could become some sort of abuser.

 

I don’t want to be responsible for bringing a person into this world, spend all my energy on it. I think kids should be a parents #1 priority – and I have no desire to shape my life around a child.

 

I don’t want to add the stress a child brings to my relationship.

 

Not to mention my career, hobbies, travel, freedom etc.

 

Those are just a few reasons. I could go on and on.

 

My dad tells a story about when I was about 10 years old, I declared that I would have a horse someday, but never any children (I have a horse these days!) Neither of my parents ever gave me ANY pressure to have children, they know me well, and understand I am making the right choice for myself.

 

Now that I am 40, I can honestly say I am living out many of those dreams I had as a child. The kind of life style I envisioned, a life that makes me happy.

 

Thank you so much for your eloquence on this subject. Food for thoughts.

 

I grew up a tomboy too. Climbing trees all the times. and I have never thought pregnancy and childbirth appealing.

 

but I love kids, I think they are one of the cutest things on earth. After I got my cat, I discover that I am very cuddling and smothering...seems quite motherly.

 

sometimes I think life is only meaningful if I have something to live for.

 

I think I want kid, but I also afraid of responsibilities(you know, I don't know if the kid turns out want to be born or not that sort of responsibilities). but anyway, being a few years older than you, I think it probably is too late for me anyway. but hearing why people don't want kid, give me some comfort. It ain't that bad not to have kid after all. I am not alone in this universe that don't have a child.

 

This thread is kind of liberating for me.

[MeadowFlower]

Having kids isn't doing a favour for the unborn child. They don't know they haven't been born, if that makes sense. Having kids is for the people who are already in this world, the parents etc.

[Foxhall]

It is a good question actually.

 

Personally I would like to have kids, perhaps a boy and a girl

or maybe two girls,

I think there can be a special relationship in particular between a father and daughter,

 

I have often thought that I would love to have daughters,

 

My uncle is over 80 now and he says having had 4 daughters has been the light of his life and kept him young,

 

At age 38 now I am thinking if it does not happen in the next few years, I am not sure will I want to be an older Dad as time progresses,

 

so at the moment this would be a deal breaker for me, I would like to meet someone special and have kids,

 

but in another few years if it does not happen, I will probably be prepared to settle just for the partner.