How To Win A Man's Heart

[JuneL]

Through his stomach

[gaius]

Dating and falling in love are two things you just have to go out and do. No amount of theorizing or online articles are going to help you really.

 

I could give you a long list of the things I love about my wife, all the great things she brings to my life, how sexy and smart she is, but to this day I can't exactly put my finger on why we have the smoking hot chemistry and connection that we do. Why we were drawn together like magnets. Why my love for her is so primal and deep. And when you start to experience stuff like that all the theorizing and laundry lists you've come up with tend to go right out the window. Ends up being a big waste of time.

[basil67]

Gaius, that is the nicest thing I've read all day.

[d0nnivain]

If a woman comes along and expresses an interest in being a part of my life she has to give me a reason to believe she's not going to bring trouble and distress my way. I've got enough trouble to deal with already without the stress of relationship problems.

 

 

This just reads so negatively.

 

I have never brought trouble to a relationship but sometimes trouble happens. Although you acknowledge that we have no control over death, you claim that you can keep a job simply because you chose to. That is no always the case especially if the company goes out of business or merges. Then job loss is beyond your control too.

 

When humans interact there will always be elements of friction. When DH & I first got together he had to accommodate my parents' health needs, I had rearranged my life to care for them & anybody who wanted to date me had to accept that they were a priority. Similarly, if you read any of my threads about my MIL you will see that I have to work to deal with his family because I don't understand or agree with many of their decisions & that is stressful.

 

Still on balance having DH in my life is a blessing. He's my rock. We don't always make each other's lives easier but we do make them better.

[Woggle]

It does read negative but even though my relationship is great a lot that I observe just seem more trouble than they are worth. If I am going to spend half my relationship walking on eggshells and trying to keep myself out of the doghouse then what is the point?

[Veronica73]

It does read negative but even though my relationship is great a lot that I observe just seem more trouble than they are worth. If I am going to spend half my relationship walking on eggshells and trying to keep myself out of the doghouse then what is the point?

 

Sometimes I think you just like to poke the bear.

 

Edit: Lol, I think most of us have agreed that better doesn’t equal easier.

[Woggle]

Sometimes I think you just like to poke the bear.

 

Edit: Lol, I think most of us have agreed that better doesn’t equal easier.

 

I am just saying how I feel. Like I said my relationship is great but what we have should be the rule and not the exception and sadly it is not. If another person just brings drama into your life to me it is not worth it.

[Veronica73]

You can’t always choose that (whether there is drama or not). Being single means you have the most control over your own life. Binding yourself with someone means you don’t always have control. You are taking on their issues along with their own. Hopefully they aren’t a freak show. But even healthy people have issues sometimes. It’s almost always “easier” to be alone. But not necessarily better. That’s all I’m saying.

 

And I do think you like to poke the bear

[Woggle]

You can’t always choose that (whether there is drama or not). Being single means you have the most control over your own life. Binding yourself with someone means you don’t always have control. You are taking on their issues along with their own. Hopefully they aren’t a freak show. But even healthy people have issues sometimes. It’s almost always “easier” to be alone. But not necessarily better. That’s all I’m saying.

 

And I do think you like to poke the bear

 

I can see why you might think that but I call it like I see it. Any person's presence in your life should be a positive and not a negative.

[thefooloftheyear]

Depends on the guy...

 

Some guys like hot women and couldn't care what else they bring to the table....Some guys like women that are motherly, some guys like women that are shy etc...

 

There is no "how to" blueprint for this...

 

TFY

[GorillaTheater]

There was no reason to include children in your examples. Comparing having children to a job is apples and oranges. Everyone needs a job to survive but having children is not necessary to survive.

 

Your example about paying rent in old age assumes everyone is going to live out a normal lifespan. Single people are more likely to die younger from something else because they don't have an obligation to fight and take care of their bodies. So the old age thing is moot.

 

I've always found pedantry stressful to be around, myself.

[Veronica73]

I can see why you might think that but I call it like I see it. Any person's presence in your life should be a positive and not a negative.

 

Again................(sigh)........I’m saying positive doesn’t mean easier. And now I’m done. I can’t even believe how difficult this is to communicate.

 

Edit: That’s why I’m calling it “poking the bear”. Are you really so obtuse?

Edited May 1, 2019 by Veronica73

[Hopeful30]

Keep his stomach full and his balls empty.

[Gretchen12]

You are not all men. The kind of man that wants the woman to make his life easier is the kind of man I don't want. I want the kind of man who wants a woman that makes his life harder. There are plenty of those, believe me, and yes I do make life harder for them. So you see it all works out in the universe. People choose what they want then match up and no amount of preaching from others can change that. You can judge but how others want to pair up is their business which you need not understand.

[Mr. Lucky]

If a woman comes along and expresses an interest in being a part of my life she has to give me a reason to believe she's not going to bring trouble and distress my way. I've got enough trouble to deal with already without the stress of relationship problems.

 

I've never met, dated or married a woman that didn't bring some issues with her, whether core or peripheral. And I'd bet all of them would say the same thing about me.

 

I'd want a woman who gave me "a reason to believe she's" got good communication, coping and adjustment skills. Life will bring problems, it's all on whether a couple deals with them divisively or cooperatively.

 

To think you'll find the stress and trouble-free relationship unicorn is IMHO unrealistic and unproductive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shining One]

I want the kind of man who wants a woman that makes his life harder. There are plenty of those, believe me, and yes I do make life harder for them.

While I don't expect a woman to make my life easier, I'd certainly be wary of women who date me with the deliberate intention of making my life more difficult.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Reading a little more, I wonder if there isn't a bit of conflating going on here, of the words "easier" and "better." The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but a lot of people seem to be of the opinion that easier is necessarily better - and that's not true. Very often, in all areas of life, we have to choose between easier and better. The phrase "low-hanging fruit" comes to mind.

 

I don't think I make my fiancé's life much EASIER, if at all. Everything about his life has become more complicated, he has to do more quantifiable work to support a family (I don't bring any income to the table in a marriage as a matter of policy), and he has a bunch of people to consider now when making decisions instead of just himself. His life is substantially less fun and carefree than it was when we met.

 

There's also the fact that I AM a woman, and though I'm a lot more rational and level-headed than most, even I am prone to occasional emotional outbursts and periods of relative instability. There have also been occasions when I've been targeted by drama, even though I wanted nothing to do with it/tried to avoid it.

 

(True story: his landlord's wife kicked him out of the room he'd been renting since before we met, because she didn't like some political opinion I posted on Facebook, and I (politely) declined to have an in-person confrontation with her about it. There was really nothing more to it than that (it's not like I was living/staying with him, I was hardly ever there) - she had nothing to hold over ME to assert her presumed social dominance, so she targeted him (she didn't even consult her husband, who owned the house and had been renting rooms out since before they met and married - he was shocked when he found out). Fiancé (then boyfriend) mentioned the possibility that I might be able to reverse her decision by "smoothing things over" with her, but I refused on principle, because it will never be in my job description to suck up to sociopathic sycophants. Definitely did NOT make his life easier that day.)

 

However, he is highly motivated to put in this extra work and effort, and to ride out the bumps, because it's worth it to him for what he gets in return. It's not an easier life, but it's a higher QUALITY of life that he's willing and happy to work for. Or at least I suppose it must be, because he was pretty eager to put a ring on my finger.

 

I won his heart the good old fashioned way; not by stepping in to buffer him from the hardships and difficulties of life (this would be motherly at best, and downright masculine at worst) but, as others have suggested, by taking care of his simplest needs: food and sex.

 

To be sure, I'm not NEARLY as cheap and easy as a Happy Meal with a side of Pornography, but I think a man should want to be with me because I offer something qualitatively BETTER than the cheap and easy option.

 

A man who says "I don't need a woman who doesn't make my life EASIER" strikes me as a man who has no particular desire for anything better than Happy Meals and Porn. If you want something better than what you have now, you have to be willing to work harder for it. The logical conclusion of the pursuit of ease and comfort in life isn't pretty.

 

My life isn't "easier" for being in a committed relationship either, I'd just like to point out. EASY, for me, would be selling sex to as many of the highest bidders as possible, and absolutely living it up for the rest of my life on the proceeds without ever becoming entangled with a man, because I have the wherewithal to manage my resources wisely.

 

But I want a BETTER life than that, by my own standard and estimation, and I'm willing to work for it - to win and keep the heart of a man who is likewise inclined.

[Woggle]

What kind of masochist wants somebody who makes their life harder? What kind of so.an is attracted to such a masochist?

[Kitty Tantrum]

It depends on what you mean by harder.

 

Harder because they place themselves in opposition to you?

 

- or -

 

Harder because you're side-by-side, toiling together on something you wouldn't have seen fit to undertake on your own?

[Woggle]

It depends on what you mean by harder.

 

Harder because they place themselves in opposition to you?

 

- or -

 

Harder because you're side-by-side, toiling together on something you wouldn't have seen fit to undertake on your own?

 

But at the end of the day in a healthy relational it is easier to have a partner in crime by your side. If they are just going to be a source of stress and fight me every inch I would rather do it on my own.

[basil67]

You can’t always choose that (whether there is drama or not). Being single means you have the most control over your own life. Binding yourself with someone means you don’t always have control. You are taking on their issues along with their own. Hopefully they aren’t a freak show. But even healthy people have issues sometimes. It’s almost always “easier” to be alone. But not necessarily better. That’s all I’m saying.

 

I think one can choose a relationship which doesn't have drama. Sure, there will be disagreements bits and pieces to work out, but some people are certainly more dramatic than others.

 

To avoid drama, choose an easy going partner. There are plenty out there. Of course, the flipside of easy going is that they may not do things the moment they need doing, but I think it's well worth the trade.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Woggle, we are in agreement there.

 

People hitching themselves to "partners" who oppose them at whim/for their own gain is something that I do see played out with tragic frequency. But this is only one of the ways a relationship can make a person's life harder.

 

A relationship can also make a person's life harder when it prompts or inspires them to build or achieve something with someone who is a good partner - because building, growing, creating, and achieving things takes work.

 

If a man's attitude is that he doesn't put up with opposition, that is perfectly fine and respectable.

 

If a man's attitude is that he's only willing to do things that take a minimal amount of effort(/risk/discomfort/investment/commitment/endurance) - no thanks. That man is not even as manly as I am, so that's gonna be a hard pass.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum

[Woggle]

I agree that you want a partner you can build with but that to me is not hard. Anything in life has challenges. I know men who work late or go out and say they are working late just so they don't have to deal with their wife or gf's attitude and that will never be me. That was me in my first marriage and I will never go back to that. I would rather live a peaceful life in a cardboard box than live in a fancy house with that stress.

[major_merrick]

How does a woman REALLY win a man's heart? In my experience, I'd say it is to emulate the qualities that men respect....things that hold warrior societies together. Loyalty, Honor, Courage, and mastery of practical and essential skills. Food and sex help too, but mostly that feeds into the aspects of loyalty and practicality. Make the relationship #1 in your life. Before job, before kids, before extended family. Fail at that, and what you have won't last.

[mark clemson]

I don't think it would be easy to list out all the qualities or things that a woman should bring to the table (although some key ones have certainly been mentioned). Charm/attractiveness can go a long way in the short term, but in the medium and long term there has to be more than that.

 

One thing for me (and I recognize that others may feel differently) I personally wouldn't accept a woman who didn't want to work. She needs to at least hold her own (break even) economically within the family.

 

So along with winning my heart she has to be self-sufficient. I think M_M's point about respect comes into play here. For whatever reason, I don't respect women who don't make something out of themselves. Maybe because my mother was a career woman, dunno.

 

I know there are women who specifically don't choose that goal in life. That's a fine choice for them (and a man who wants/accepts that), but those women aren't for me.