To send, or not to send?

[cre35]

Hi all, new to these forums so please be gentle! sorry for the long post!

 

I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years about 7 months ago. When we first broke up, i didn't really process what went wrong and blamed the break up on incompatibility etc. Over the past month or so I've been processing what went wrong and realised she broke up with me because she could no longer trust I could handle the things that were difficult in the relationship and a lot of these difficulties were me second guessing her response and therefore not fully being open.

 

I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and explained how I know i did her wrong and I wanted to see her but she didn't and so it was over text. She forgives me for everything but said that it is beyond repair. Since then, I have been in a bit of a dark place and have never really experienced how difficult this is or could be.

 

Now that I have processed what went wrong, I know i can see it in myself to put these changes into practice and if this was the reason why she broke up with me, i feel that it could work. We were still very much in love until the end of the relationship, no cheating or anything like that which makes it actually all the more harder.

 

I've written her a letter about all this in my own words and specifically said i have heard you and i have understood. I know that this is a bad idea and will only prolong the pain and so in the letter I say to her that if she remains feeling the same way, please do not reply.

 

This is my way of protecting myself because I know she doesn't want to be with me anymore and so she is free to not reply but there are things in the letter that i want her to know. I've also apologised if it causes any hurt or pain because that is really not my intention.

 

So, the question is to send, or not to send? Any help would be appreciated, thanks!

[TooBad]

You are trying to control something that you can not control. Do not send, leave it be.

[Twizzlestick]

 

I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago.....

 

Since then, I have been in a bit of a dark place...

 

I've written her a letter...

 

This is my way of protecting myself because I know she doesn't want to be with me anymore and so she is free to not reply.....

 

Nooooo! Do not send the letter.

 

You’re not protecting yourself. Evidence? You reached out once, didn’t get the response your mind wanted, since then you’ve been hurt.

 

No matter what your mind lies to itself, sending that is because you want to make her rethink, not just get things off your chest.

 

When she doesn’t respond or is dismissive you’ll be hurt again, perhaps worse than the first time because this time you poured your heart out like an old romantic.

 

From what I understand if exes ever reach out to us dumpees avoid talking about the past, breakup, how you’ve “worked on things” like the plague. Keep it fresh, positive, confident and about the present and future, as if you’ve just met that person.

 

Don’t reach out OP. Trust me. You can’t fix this on your own and you’re making your self esteem tie up to her. I’m feeling like you at the min after a triggering event but please do not send that. Stay NC.

[d0nnivain]

Do not send the letter. She doesn't want to read it & it won't change anything. Keep the letter & re-read it periodically to help you maintain this new outlook you now understand is needed.

[preraph]

Don't delude yourself that just because you can look back and see some mistakes you made means that you can change with the flip of a switch. It wo't work. She's done. No point in further humiliating yourself. If you are able to change any, then remember that in your next relationship. Let it go.

[Mrin]

Don't.do.it.

[Marc878]

Not sure why but most want to send some letter pouring their heart out.

 

You just want what you can't have. But you're living on hopium which will get you nothing.

 

It's the old I love her so she must love me too thing. Nope, she sure doesn't

[rjc149]

What I've found helpful in assessing my thoughts and feelings after a breakup is to write a letter to her, BUT NOT SEND IT.

 

As I re-read the letter again and again, I find myself making changes, improvements, revisions, in essence drafting it, to better reflect the evolution of my understanding of the situation and my own emotions.

 

Some parts seems angrier than I feel when I'm re-reading it, so I change those parts. Some parts seem more apologetic than they should be, so I tone that down. Sometimes the letter is light and upbeat when I'm feeling hopeful about getting back together with her, and sometimes is matter-of-fact and clinical when I know it won't happen. It becomes a living, breathing document of my thoughts and feelings.

 

I keep re-reading and revising the letter, day after day, until I've found that it more or less is an accurate hindsight assessment of the breakup -- the mistakes we both made, the faults we both had, and why it simply wasn't meant to be. Once it gets to this point, I longer feel any desire to send it, because it's for my own reconciliation and closure. In any moments of weakness, I go back and read it, and it gives me comfort and reassurance that what happened is for the best.

 

Keep the letter, re-read it, re-write it, but never send it. Once you do, you'll regret everything you wrote in it, and it can no longer be therapeutic for you.

[Blanco]

In my thirties now and one thing I've found about relationships, or life in general, is that sometimes lessons are learned that we can only use going forward; not to correct past mistakes.

[john9999]

Yes send it. There was a time when my ex fiancé and I were apart for about six weeks. I sent her a lot of emails that she didn’t respond to. When we got back together she told me how she lived for those emails and they meant so much to her.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Gotta try for what you love man.

 

Thing is - you have to send the letter for you, not for her. If you're serious - and this is what we are taught from a young age - you gotta go after what you want - even if you're not going to get it. You have to try.

 

So, don't expect her to have the same feelings for you. Don't expect her to want to want you back. All you can do is tell her the truth: you ****ed up, you love her, and you want to try again.

 

If she's says no, respect that and move on, even if it's not what you want. You tried, you failed, and trying again and again just won't help in this regard. It'll get you a restraining order if anything.

 

If she has even a hint of wanting to work things out with you - you won't get a no. You'll get reasons why it didn't work, and what you can improve. Hopefully she's leveleheaded and has also done some retrospective analyzing and doesn't just blame you for everything.

 

I really don't know your entire situation - but - if sending the letter is going to help in either winning her back or helping you get closure, I don't see a reason not to.

 

If you're not willing to humiliate yourself for her, you don't love her as much as you claim to, for those who think sending a letter like such is humiliating.

 

Besides, who cares what they think - they're just trying to help - but keep in mind, they don't love this woman like you do. They can only give advice from their own experiences and that doesn't make them wrong - but it doesn't make them right either. It's just help.

[malaiyas]

You know what... you only live once. I understand why people are advising you not to send it, I really do, and normally I'd be in that camp myself. Dignity, humiliation, all that. Somehow it's different when you're a woman, because we have a tendency to come across as needy and desperate when all we're trying to do is show affection. When men do the same, it's a "grand gesture," but I digress.

 

Here's the thing. The absolute worst case scenario here is that you send it... and you're met with radio silence. I'm not downplaying that this will hurt you. I'm not downplaying that this will humiliate you. I'm not even downplaying that you might regret sending it!

 

You have to decide if that's something you can live with. It may cause you months of anguish, yes. There are consequences for every action. You also have to decide if these thoughts you want to share with her are thoughts you can live with her never knowing (even if she does not respond, which is very likely - but trust that she absolutely WILL read it). OP, which is worse for you? Which is the better of two evils? We can't tell you that.

 

You have a choice to make.

[elaine567]

cre35 wrote; "She broke up with me"

 

This is the main reason why you should not send it.

SHE decided it was over.

 

She also rejected your recent contact saying things were "beyond repair" and there you go not taking a blind bit of notice of what SHE wants.

People do not tend to like their feelings and decisions being dismissed and by you sending yet another communication telling her she is wrong and she made a mistake in dumping you, she will get annoyed and it will not go down well.

 

Dumpees love to hear from dumpers, dumpers tend not to like dumpees contacting them at all regarding getting back together. They do not want to reconcile, if they did, they would be the one to make contact.

[preraph]

It's you that will have to live with that utter feeling of humiliation if you keep this up.

[Redhead14]

I've also apologised if it causes any hurt or pain because that is really not my intention.

 

First of all, if you are truly sincere about not wanting to hurt her, you will not do anything that might possibly do that -- which would include sending that letter. You don't want to hurt her and you can't be sure that a letter won't hurt her.

 

But besides that, you need to be completely and absolutely sure you can tolerate No Response or a poor response if you send it. Sending it would/should be about nothing more than closure for YOU without caring about her response or opinion, whatever.

 

From what I read in your post, you aren't there . . .

[The Outlaw]

If she said it's damaged beyond repair, she means exactly that. She's done. Finished. You've said your piece, and she's forgiven you. Sending the letter won't do any good, as it will lead to no response. You could keep it as a form of closure, or burn it. No doubt easier said than done, but it's time to move on. No need to hold on. Trust me, it will be a thorn in your side until you've let it go.