Ms_puzzled Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 So my husband and I are recently married (a year and a month), been together for about 7 years (off and on), and lived together for about 3 years. He’s a great guy but my biggest concern in our relationship is his ex. We both have kids from previous relationships I have a daughter and he has 2 sons, we also now have a kid together. He and his ex are a little closer than I like but I knew it was something from the beginning but now that we’re married I was hoping maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. So her recently leased apartment is under his name and she’s listed as his partner, her recent vehicle is under his name, insurance has them listed as spouses all has happened in the past about 2 years. I know he does it for kids reasons ( or at least that’s how I see it). And I don’t want to be mean because the kids mean a lot to me too and I would do anything for them also. But at what point am I supposed to tell him to stop and let her figure it out on her own or is that something too harsh to say. Oh and the reason we’d been together off and on is because 2 years into our relationship he left me to try to work things out for the kids with her. Which I’m assuming is the root to most of my insecurities that and because we do so much with her for the kids like school events and stuff (that sometimes I’m not too comfortable going to with them so I stay home). Should I speak up and tell him or just deal with it. Me and my ex don’t have that kind of relationship so maybe it’s just something normal? I don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 What makes you think he isn't still married to her? And you both? I mean, it's all in her name. Have you made sure they're actually divorced? As his partner, you shouldn't be liable 50/50 for her debts, etc. First talk to an attorney so you know what for sure to talk about and then talk to him. And as long as he's mixing money and debt with her, you should keep yours separate as possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 If anything I think you should be much more alarmed than you are, alarmed enough to have held off the wedding but thats too late now I guess. Preraph's advice is spot on. This is very weird. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms_puzzled Posted April 30, 2019 Author Share Posted April 30, 2019 Well they were never married just together for a long time. I’ve always thought it was really weird but he makes it seem like it’s normal. He says he has to help her out because of the kids Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 This all should have been worked out before you & he got married. Now you have to just deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 I agree with the other posters - his debt is your debt. If he is incurring debt with her or is liable for her debt - whether that is co-signing a lease or a car loan - I would have a problem with that. Is there a reason why she can’t do this on her own? Does she not earn enough money such that she needs his continued support (more than child support) or does she have issues with credit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms_puzzled Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 She’s got a pretty good office job and there’s no child support because they have split clarify of the boys. So they both get them half time. As far as credit issues I’m not too sure. I’m assuming that’s why he feels obligated to help her. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Who broke up with who? I'm sorry but it's just very rare that you see a man just voluntarily helping his ex unless he's sleeping with her. I get those kids but like you said they have joint custody so neither of them has to pay the other anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 it's just very rare that you see a man just voluntarily helping his ex unless he's sleeping with her. Don't think that's necessarily true. I helped my ex with money and connections when she was struggling and, trust me, the last thing I'd have done was slept with her. I know of others in similar situations who've done the same. She is the mother of my son and I wanted the best for him. Agree with d0nnivain, this should all have been worked out in advance. I had much conversation with my "now" wife about my ex and our son, and she had a number of pointed questions for me. It's a little late... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 ...it's just very rare that you see a man just voluntarily helping his ex unless he's sleeping with her....I disagree that if a man is helping his ex, especially if she is raising their mutual children, he's likely sleeping with her. However - OP, I get your dillema - this is really too much (in my opinion). They've been split too long for this level of connection. Your husband keeps renewing his connection with his ex. In my opinion - he is just wrong. You are not over reacting. You are under reacting. Best Wishes, just know, you're not crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 (edited) So he's married to you and his ex is on his insurance as his spouse? Is that even legal? Just because they split custody doesnt necessarily mean that she isn't entitled to child support. I'm friends with a woman who has 50/50 custody with her ex husband and he still pays support because he makes more money than her. Of course the fact that the children are with her ex 1/2 the time is taken into consideration but just sharing custody didn't automatically mean that he got out of paying child support. Furthermore he has to share childcare and school costs for the children and she was able to get some school upgrading paid for by him so that she could get a better job. Did she even try for child support? Or did he convince her that she wouldn't be entitled to anything so she didn't even attempt to find out? If I were her I'd be looking into it. Edited May 1, 2019 by anika99 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Jeez, woman. Put your foot down. No way he should be doing all that AND claiming they're spouses. Hell no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 So he's married to you and his ex is on his insurance as his spouse? Is that even legal? Some plans allow you to cover "partners" as well as spouses under dependents. Which they may still be ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Just because they split custody doesnt necessarily mean that she isn't entitled to child support. I'm friends with a woman who has 50/50 custody with her ex husband and he still pays support because he makes more money than her. Of course the fact that the children are with her ex 1/2 the time is taken into consideration but just sharing custody didn't automatically mean that he got out of paying child support. That has definitely been my experience. He pays his ex wife a significant amount of child support even though they equally share custody - it’s because there is a HUGE discrepancy between their incomes. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Does his ex have a boyfriend? I would be incredulous that if she had a boyfriend or new man that he'd be doing things for her like going into debt for her. Link to post Share on other sites
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