Dating/relationships primarily based on looks...thoughts?

[Free2be89]

I'll start this with a very short story for context...

 

I have a very close friend that's in his early 20's, never been in a relationship, but uses dating apps pretty frequently to talk/meet with people. On more than one occasion we've had serious conversations about what he ultimately would want in a life partner; many of which include character traits like intelligence, humor, hardworking, family oriented...etc.

 

On the flip side however, whenever he ACTUALLY shows interest in someone, it's usually heavily based on how physically attractive that person is. He has gone on multiple dates with great guys (his words) that he's met online, only to ultimately turn them down because they weren't a 9-10 on the hotness scale in person.

 

He's a very attractive person himself, and I've asked him before..."If looks are what you're mostly looking for, why not open up any of your dating apps and have your pick of all the very attractive similarly minded people?...why not engage with some of them?" His response..."They're probably super vain and lack depth..." Needless to say...I was confused. LOL

 

I know that everyone chooses partners based on SOME level of physical attraction. However, time and experience have shaped the way I choose my romantic interests. To me, I can look at someone who is physically attractive, but not necessarily be ATTRACTED to them until I find out what kind of person they are. Being with a super attractive person doesn't make your relationships last longer, or help smooth over any potential issues you might face as a couple.

 

When looking for a relationship, what's more important to you? Thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

He has gone on multiple dates with great guys (his words) that he's met online, only to ultimately turn them down because they weren't a 9-10 on the hotness scale in person.

 

Going to assume these are same sex relationships, though I'd guess the parameters are the same.

 

Attraction is the duct tape of relationships. It's great for initially bringing things together, but if it's lasting adhesion one's after it takes a more permanent bond. And there's also differing types of attraction, we might be drawn to someone's personality or character in addition to - or in spite of - their looks.

 

In short, your friend would benefit in his search if he'd broaden his range. He'd have a better chance of finding the right balance of attractiveness and compatibility...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowboy91]

He's a very attractive person himself, and I've asked him before..."If looks are what you're mostly looking for, why not open up any of your dating apps and have your pick of all the very attractive similarly minded people?...why not engage with some of them?" His response..."They're probably super vain and lack depth..." Needless to say...I was confused. LOL

 

Pretty big assumption for him to make. And you also said it yourself, you won't know unless you find out what kind of person they are. The only way to find out is for him to get to know them!

 

There needs to be attraction as well as compatibility. If there's compatibility but no attraction, you just end up with a friendship. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it means the search for a partner continues.

 

OP I also agree - I actually need to get to know someone a little before I'm attracted. It doesn't take much though - some flirting after just meeting someone might be all it takes. But I also find that compatibility can make someone seem a lot more attractive!

Edited May 1, 2019 by snowboy91

[d0nnivain]

Neither is more important but they both have to be there: looks / attraction & personality.

 

I tried OLD briefly before I met my husband, It was awful. I convinced myself to put attraction aside because I was now middle aged. I couldn't bring myself to kiss these guys. The dates were awful, stressful, forced, strained . . . it just didn't work.

 

When I first laid eyes on my husband I got that instant chemistry / lust. I actually thought he was so good looking he must be a player but I was OK with that because players give good date IMO & I was in the mood for something light, NSA. DH couldn't be a player with a PUA guru at his side whispering in his ear. He is just not that guy.

 

Anyway I got the best of both worlds: a movie star handsome husband with a heart of gold who is fiercely loyal. He also has a wicked sense of humor & is very intelligent. But I have always dated men like that -- sexy interesting guys. They do exist.

[Free2be89]

OP I also agree - I actually need to get to know someone a little before I'm attracted. It doesn't take much though - some flirting after just meeting someone might be all it takes. But I also find that compatibility can make someone seem a lot more attractive!

 

Same here! It usually takes a bit of flirting, and conversation before I know if there's chemistry. No chemistry?...it's not gonna work no matter what you look like. No to say that I don't appreciate a handsome man by any means.