He contacts me after I do NC and then disappears AGAIN!

[smile95]

why do people break NC and then drop off the earth??? My ex text me and told me he loved me and missed me and always thinks of me and I wait 3 days and then make the mistake of texting him to call me and he has never responded??? WTF? Why did he even contact me to begin with? All it did was break my heart all over again! What reason would he do that?????

 

I know I broke NC by answering, but emotions took over. After he called, I got my hopes up again(stupidly) and then now he is gone again! Oh I hate this!

 

 

Why would he contact me at all!!! Just to mess with my heart???? Just to feed his ego?? Does he really think he loves me! He says it but look at his actions-he DOES NOT!

 

Sorry had to vent. Anyone have an ex call and then you respond and they disppear?????

[pippen_2k]

Ummmm and there is something different about this than whats been happening in the past 3 years?

 

Its your call to move on Beth, your willing to stay trapped in this back and forth game.

[smile95]

Well usually when he calls, we end up talking for a period of time after that(months). THen he starts ignoring me after a while.(i say that like it is ok with me???? WTF)

 

I am just curiuos what kind of jerk plays around with people's feelings. What kind of person am I for loving someone that does this! What could he have gotten out of that? Just to know I would still drop my life for him!!!!!

 

I guess I am just venting.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Well usually when he calls, we end up talking for a period of time after that(months).

2. THen he starts ignoring me after a while.(i say that like it is ok with me???? WTF)

3. I am just curiuos what kind of jerk plays around with people's feelings.

4. What kind of person am I for loving someone that does this!

5. What could he have gotten out of that?

6. Just to know I would still drop my life for him!!!!!

 

1. That's so he can get his fill.

2. When he gets his fill, he will cut you off as usual.

3. The kind that knows he can get away with it.

4. Normal, but trapped by your own hope and wishful thinking. More people than not find themselves at the mercy of their own hearts like that. You have a lot to offer, and you know this - so you keep at it. Unfortunately, he knows too. He just isn't interested in more than taking a bit here and a bit there when he needs/wants it - and generally at your expense.

5. His fix.

6. Yup. He has to be sure his fix stays available even when he isn't particularly interested.

 

This will go on indefinitely, as long as you continue to allow it to happen. I'm sorry that you find yourself on the hurting end again, but hopefully you can reach a point where you will simply walk away.

[pippen_2k]

What kind of person are you for loving a jerk like this? Probably someone with very low confidence and self esteem..

 

But its not all bad Beth.. these can be worked on through councelling. Im not sure if you have addressed these issues before but it must be a big reason why you act like this.

 

Just a thought, I dunno...

 

But you cant blame him any longer for making you feel like this. The ball is in your court now, and it has been for a very long time.

 

Make the changes or live in misery for the rest of your life..I know what id be doing;)

[smile95]

thanks. I am to a point where I do not think I even have love left for him. How can I? I am trying so hard to not reply anymore if he calls, but I know me, and I know I will crack! It would feel so great to ignore him like he does me. But I know he will then leave nice messages and be sweet and I will think "Oh he is back to himself?" (or back to who he once was pretending to be) and then I end up hurt again. I guess if I recognoze that this is a game and can predict his actions, I should be strong enough to see this and not answer! Thanks guys

[smile95]

I do have horrible self esteem. I know this.

 

I feel like him ignoring me and not talking to me and loving me means that I am not worth loving. How else am I supposed to think when someone will not talk to you and you do not kow why? Since it has happened SO many times, I think that I think this way now.That is how I think and that is why my esteem is so low. I am not sure how to fix that part.

 

 

 

Ihave tried therapy. I need to go back once I have insurance again. this time to fix me and not try and work on him! He is a lost cause I think.

[Art_Critic]

Stop asking why he calls you ...

 

Ask yourself why you broke the NC and text or call him back ??

 

It's totally your fault that your heart hurts right now.. Not his..

[smile95]

I text him back out of hope and love. It is partly his fault. I would have been fine had he not contacted me.

 

It is almost like he knows when I start to feel better and forget him and then kows to call and reel me in again.

[Art_Critic]

I text him back out of hope and love. It is partly his fault. I would have been fine had he not contacted me.

 

It is almost like he knows when I start to feel better and forget him and then kows to call and reel me in again.

 

1).You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to what you do and say

2).They are responsible for what they do and say and you are responsible for how you react to what they do and say.

 

It was ALL your responsibility for texting him back.. He is not at fault at all.. You are..

 

You need to start seeing that it is you that has the issues here..

[smile95]

I guess I am upset that I responded. It was a mistake. It hurts that I truly loved this man and he get his rocks off playing with the knowledge of that.

 

I guess I need to remember this feeling right now next time I am tempted to respond. I wish he would never contact me again. Is it bad to break NC to leave him a message to leave me alone from now on and I am not willing to speak to him anymore? Or do I just do that by not speaking to him anymore?

[sundrop]

Beth,

If you text him asking him not to respond to you, 1) you look like a fool and 2) deep down you are hoping he will respond to you.

 

I wnate dto do this to my ex, but had to realize these two things. and I knew I wanted him to contact me, even if it was bad contact, such as start a fight etc, at least it would have been contact in my mind.

 

The best thing for you to do, is not contact him at all, AT ALL....

I have a good counsler I can recommend, in the local area, who I will probably call to see about getting counceling for my self esteem. I feel I am over the hump with my ex, but I know if he calls it will be really hard not to pick up the phone, but I'm not going to, because I know I would be back to square one.

 

Quit asking yourself why he called, because you already know.

Quit beating yourself up and chaulk it up as another learning experiance.

 

And where are you taking me to lunch?

[Gottabestrong]

Anyone have an ex call and then you respond and they disppear?????

 

Yup, me. Read my old threads if you feel like it.

 

My ex used to do this to me. When he did not hear from me for a while, he suddenly sent me a nice text or email signing with 'love' or calling me 'sweetie'. I used to get all worked up about it, wondering what it meant and whether I should reply or not. When I finally did, he suddenly disappeared again.

 

Usually for a week or 10 days. Once when I took all my guts and asked him if he would like to meet up for a drink, he said 'yeah, sure' and disappeared for 6!!! weeks.

 

I finally figured out his little game. He was not interested in getting back together or even closer, he just wanted to know whether I was still around ready to jump at any chance for contact.

 

If I replied, he disappeared, if I did not, then suddenly he started contacting me more and more and calling me petnames and sounding all emotional. The moment I replied or seemed at all interested he disappeared again.

 

This had to go on for a few times until I realized the pattern behind it. Once I did, I was able to stick to NC for good and ignore his stupid little messages from then on.

 

It's been over 6 months of NC from my side now, and while it still hurts sometimes and I still think about him a lot, I feel sooo much better now than half a year ago.

 

What helped was that I changed my phonenumber and emailaddress. That way he was not able to contact me anymore and it is much easier to resist a message if you dont get it.

 

I wish you all the best, you are in a tough situation, but you can find your way out of it!

[smile95]

gotta be strong....that is just what he does. It is so har to not answer when he gets sweet, but like you said, I can recognize this now. Almost predict it. How long were you two together? I am glad to hear an encouraging story! Thanks. You feel better alone than with his drama right? Does he still call you?

[Gottabestrong]

We were together for 2.5 years. He broke up with me one year ago.

 

I feel sooooo much better now than when we were still in touch. He cant call anymore as I changed my phonenumber and emailaddress.

 

He did call my sister 3 times in the last 6 months though. I asked her to not tell me anymore when he calls, because he never has anything meaningful to say. Only informes her of how great his life is, and who needs to hear about that.

 

You probably dont believe it right now, but I am sure, if you completely cut him out of your life and cut off all lines of communications with him for 6 months or more, you will feel much better down the line.

 

If you are reluctant to draw the final line, which I was, then remember that if he REALLY wants to get in touch with you, he will find a way.

[queenie01]

Hey guys...

Im in the same boat, my ex contacts me via email about every 3 weeks or so just to see how ive been and if im dating anyone etc...

 

Guess what i dont care anymore, i am not avoiding him anymore, i went back to my normal gym schedule too. BEfore I would go an hour later to avoid him now i dont care. I go everyday at 11 and let him see me...he can see what hes missing out on. I have finally realized its his loss and i have no doubt in my mind that he wont realize that at somepoint.

 

I let him go, i held on to hope for far too long and blamed myself. I wasnt at fault, i am a good person and i know that and he knows that.

 

Hopefully my willpower will hold out for the next time he contacts me, its been 2 weeks since his last email and he will email me and i will respond and we go back and forth a bit then he just stops replying...its bs and im bein made a fool of!

[off2sea]

Hey Beth,

I also went through this very recently after 10 months of NC. I responded to a meaningless text and then found myself set back by waiting for more communication that, of course, never came. I even sent a follow up text several days later that was ignored. My new rule is that as soon as I feel the urge to go to the phone, I turn it off and put it out of reach. The desire to make contact does pass but you have to remove the ability to react to your temptation. I know in a few weeks (months) I will get another generic text but I am determined this time to ignore any contact attempts. Hope this helps...

[megabit15]

Why would he contact me at all!!! Just to mess with my heart???? Just to feed his ego?? Does he really think he loves me! He says it but look at his actions-he DOES NOT!

 

Why would he contact me at all!!!

Very simple: you answer the call.

 

Just to mess with my heart????

Nope. It's all about him. Has nothing to do with you except that you answer his call.

 

Just to feed his ego??

Nope. Harsh to say - but it's convenience. He's lazy and goes for predictable results. He calls. You answer. Otherwise he'd call someone else. But that would require work on his part - like finding someone else to actually put up with treatment like that.

 

Does he really think he loves me! He says it but look at his actions-he DOES NOT!

Does it matter what he thinks? What do YOU think? What does love look like to you? Does his behavior feel like love?

 

Truthfully? He loves that you answer his call.

[smile95]

since the main reason we are not together is that he has not time for a life......my friends all tell me all I am to him is a box in his life that is checked off as "someone that loves me" and then once he calls once every blue moon I give him a reaction and he goes back to his busy life and tends to what is REALLY important to him and then checks a little while later to make sure I am still on his line.......

[d'Arthez]

since the main reason we are not together is that he has not time for a life......

Every week for every person consists of 168 hours. What anyone does with that time is primarily their decision. And working and not getting divorced are simply put higher priorities for him, than you, or anything else he refuses to spend time on.

my friends all tell me all I am to him is a box in his life that is checked off as "someone that loves me"

Or the box "Someone that puts up with me, whatever I do." If he really was convinced in a healthy way that he loved you, he'd not be such a (fill in expletive of choice) with his time, and behavior. He seems to be in love with his money, and that is probably also the reason that he cannot afford to divorce.

and then once he calls once every blue moon I give him a reaction and he goes back to his busy life and tends to what is REALLY important to him and then checks a little while later to make sure I am still on his line.......

Exactly. Stick NC. Block his number. Block his email. Block him on IM.

[smile95]

D'arthez

 

You must be disappointed with me. The only thing I can say is I FINALLY am seeing and understanding his pattern and I do not want to or deserve to be part of it anymore. This happening showed me that my reality is not my fantasy. thanks for the advice. Going back to NC(eventho I have no idea why he would say all that and then ignore me again-it is frustrating when he plays with my heart and emotions)

[d'Arthez]

I am not disappointed. At all.

 

People make mistakes all the time - and in matters of the heart it is no different. If we were able to make certain that we would not make mistakes, we would be completely different as a species.

But the important thing is, is that you are getting a clearer and clearer picture for yourself on what is happening. Don't punish yourself for the mistakes, but be glad that you are realizing more and more what happened to you. And hopefully you won't get in situations like this in the future.

 

And sometimes it means thinking of things almost endlessly. To attempt to make as much sense of everything as you can. Time is not what is the most critical, but what you do with it.

 

I have faith that you will come through this. And that you will find a great man who will make time for you, and is glad to spend a lot of time with you.

[lindya]

Beth, it's going to go on and on until you change your patterns of thinking. If not with about guy, then about someone else.

 

Say someone's trying to give something up - smoking, for instance. Imagine the following comments buzzing around their head.

 

I'm not going to have a cigarette.

I'm not going to think about smoking.

I am going to last this whole day without buying a packet of cigarettes.

 

Will they make it through the day without a cigarette? Maybe, but it's doubtful that they'll make it through the whole week without one.

 

So to help them, they see a counsellor - and start to set about changing their thinking patterns. The thought "I'm not going to have a cigarette" is to be replaced with "I'm going to go for a walk". A negative thought "I'm not going to do X" replaced by a positive one "I AM going to do Y".

 

Your whole approach towards getting over this guy involves you thinking about him constantly. "I'm NOT going to call him. I'm not". This won't help to remove him from your head, it will just ingrain the idea of him further in there. Negative notions of what you're not going to do, instead of thinking more proactively about things you could be doing or will do with your time.

 

I really think that cognitive therapy could be beneficial to you Beth. I appreciate that you haven't felt on previous occasions that counselling worked for you. That can happen if, for instance, you don't click with the counsellor - or feel comfortable about telling them things.

 

I can't help wondering if you're afraid to let go of all your thoughts about this guy because you haven't yet figured out what you'll replace them with.

[smile95]

I can't help wondering if you're afraid to let go of all your thoughts about this guy because you haven't yet figured out what you'll replace them with.

 

yes, this is probably part of the problem.

 

I think that I have figured out that I am not so much sad about losing HIM, I am losing my dreams. I have said that before, but I am focusing on him?

 

I have to stop associating my dreams with him. I can still have my dreams with someone else I suppose.

 

He is all I have thought about for 3.5 yrs. ALL/////so it will be a hard thing to change. I need more activities in my life I suppose.

 

It breaks my little heart to know that I mean nothing to him. At least that is how he makes it seem. What kind of person professes their love and then the very next day ignores you??? Like he is punishing me or something? FOR WHAT!

[smile95]

ok......so I told you all how I got my hopes up and then he ignored my text...well....5 days after my text, he text me that he has been away and is now at the airport waiting for his bags(I assume for work) and that we can be friends if I can chill!!!!!! Meaning that I have to wait on pins and needles for him? No thnaks.

 

I am fuming right now. I did not respond, but I am mad. Of course I want to know who he wsa with and why he could not text me that 5 days ago.

 

Now I am worked up again. Like he is doing me this great favor of being my friend under the condition that I "chill"?????? am trying to forget all the scenarios running in my head and trying to gain the control back. I am not responding. He has not send another one.

 

Any feedback??????