got used as a rebound guy

[gringoloco]

I know you guys will think i am just weak but it’s hard to get her out of my mind.

I don’t know how she managed to get so much power over me. Maybe the physical part, as sex was insanely good and she was gorgeous. Maybe I am a masochist and I liked the fact that she was pushing me a bit and challenging me.

All in all I am just lost now. I know the easiest would be to block her access to my social media as i can see she still looks at all my stories on instagram (i don t look at hers as i have unfollowed her). Haven’t contacted her since then and haven’t replied to her last message. No idea as to wether she went back to her ex or not.

[The Outlaw]

The end always justifies the means if you're a rebound guy or girl. They're so wrapped up in what they want out of it, they just don't think about you, or just don't care. They seem to know what you want, and tell you want to hear, but only because it benefits them in the long run. And I can relate. I was in the same situation five years ago this July. Thank god she and I didn't go any further than the one month we dated. She did me a favor. And feelings aside, believe me, this girl did you one too. People like this aren't worth anyone's time.

[gringoloco]

Finally managed to kick her out of all my social media yersteday

 

Hopefully will help erase any memory of her

 

I mostly feel anger towards her at this point

[elaine567]

Why anger?

You had 4 dates over the course of a month and she decided to end it due to not being over her ex or some other undisclosed reason. Sounds like her baggage caught her out.

She didn't "feel it" with you and ended it swiftly and cleanly.

That is what dating is all about.

 

You confused great sex with her feeling good about you.

Women can have sex with people they love, people they are indifferent to, people they hate or people they are not even attracted to.

Sex is not a good barometer of feelings.

You got caught up in how good it was for you and how hot she looked.

You forgot about her input into the equation.

She pulled away and then pulled the plug, it happens.

Onwards and upwards.

[gringoloco]

Why anger?

 

It wasn’t just about sex, because I really tried to set up fun dates for her to enjoy and I did much more efforts than I did with my ex in the beginning. I just feel like I ve been fooled because despite her saying she wanted something serious, she obviously wasn’t someone serious. She surely was still messaging her ex and other people on dating apps while we were seeing each other. Even showed me a picture of her from tinder on the 4th date... At least be honest with your intentions. I have never pretended to a girl that I wanted something serious when my intentions were only to be friends with benefits.

 

Shooting a text message out of the blue like she did is not clean at all, considering she was still replying to my messages the day before. I think it’s actually quite despicable.

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Tell me a good way to break up with someone.

That clear text message is probably as good as it gets.

[gringoloco]

Tell me a good way to break up with someone.

That clear text message is probably as good as it gets.

 

I know it’s only been a month, but I invested time in her.

Would have preferred a straightforward phone call, just feels less cowardly. That’s what I would have done.

[elaine567]

Would have preferred a straightforward phone call, just feels less cowardly. That’s what I would have done.

The core message would have still been the same though.

You wanted a phone call so that you could perhaps have persuaded her to give you a chance, but when people have made up their mind their mind is made up. Yes, she could have relented and added on another few weeks, but when there is an ex in the picture it is often a big uphill struggle.

[gringoloco]

Now that the dust has settled, I just end up thinking about my ex again.

It’s like the thing with this girl has reopened an old wound. Because I truly loved my ex, she was the first and only real love I have ever had in my life. Despite all the arguments, all the hardships we have been through. She loved me a lot too, but I guess at some point she realized that the facts were against us and that we would never be able to have a future together. I know I can’t be with her, but I feel like since the same time last year I’ve been living with an open wound that can’t heal. I just wish I could spend an hour talking things out with her. But I know it would just reopen the wounds again. I just wish we could tell each other good luck, and that she could have no hard feelings towards me.

[Beachead]

@elpandillero

 

I went through something similar my friend.

 

About 2 years ago, I met someone. We hit it off, started talking until one night we kissed. Then we decided to give it a shot together. The problem was, she was still dealing with her old boyfriend of 4 years whom at the time she wasn't completely over. He was still in the picture and they were taking space. Having met me, she ended it with him.

 

But she started getting moodier as the weeks passed. Her ex was trying to win her back and that would mess her up. He'd call her often. They'd argue. Sometimes, he'd wait at her place after she came back home having been with me all day and they'd argue there. Every 2 weeks, she'd say she couldn't do this anymore and leave for a day or few. But then she'd come back and we'd pick up from where we left off. But with each new try, her moods got worse and worse. At the same time, there were good times. She'd remind me how I made her feel. I'd make her laugh. We'd cuddle and she'd fall asleep on me. Things were progressing forward. She was pushing for me to meet her sister as well. She'd talk about kids so casually with me. Eventually we had sex and she told me she loved me. About 2 weeks after her telling me she loved me, she was back with him. They got engaged, married and moved on. Apart from a couple of exchanges a few weeks after the break up, I haven't heard from her since. She told me she had promised him to never speak to me again.

 

This happened after I had gone through a sh*tshow with a previous ex. So it was back to back.

 

I know how it feels. I know it messes you up.

 

The important thing here is you need to be free to express your pain so let yourself feel what you need to feel and give yourself time off from dating for awhile. If those feelings entail anger or sadness..that is perfectly okay. You are ALLOWED to feel what you want. Alone time is important so take the opportunity to be on your own as well. Journal your pain out in a book and start focusing those thoughts onto what you're grateful for in life and what you want out of it. At the same time, join activities or classes that also emphasize socializing and teamwork so that you can meet new people. This will dilute the impact she had. You don't have to get emotionally involved or become close friends. You can keep your distance. The more people you meet and the more personalities you interact with, the more it'll get you thinking about new people.

 

In time, letting yourself feel what you have to feel, the solitude and the socializing will help you gain clarity about yourself and get you moving forward. Healing is not linear. There are a lot of downs. It takes time and you will have set backs. Be patient.

 

- Beach

Edited May 16, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Tell me a good way to break up with someone.

That clear text message is probably as good as it gets.

 

No sorry, I don't agree with this. I know there are plenty of people who think this is sufficient but this is a terrible way to end it with someone. Doesn't matter if it was 4 dates or 4 years. I know what it feels like to be dumped like this. All that time you invested in a person. All the love you gave. The conversations. Experiences, memories. It makes you feel like you meant nothing. Even if you're upset at the time by the relationship ending, you can atleast respect the person for ending it in a respectful way. I was never able to respect her.

 

If you're going to try something out with someone..it's not just about you anymore. You have another person's feelings in your hands. Respect their feelings, respect the time they gave you, and end it in person or pick up the phone and end it in person..like an adult. Don't hide behind a screen where you don't have to see the other person's reaction. People call it quits like this because it's easier for them. It's a selfish, self-centered way to end something.

Edited May 16, 2019 by Beachead

[gringoloco]

Thank you for your message my friend, it is beautifully written.

 

Your story is very similar to mine.

 

I have been through a terrible breakup at the end of last year that has left me deeply scared ( had been with the girl for 3 years and she was my first real love).

That girl I met last month basically reopened the wound that had started to heal. But in the grand scheme of things she actually means nohing. As you say, I have no respect for her after the way she ended things with me by text. I pretty much see her as a ***, and I m sorry for saying this but I think this will be my final opinion on this girl. I am just happy I got to answer as if I didn’t care at all, and I ejected her from all my social media. Must have hurt her ego a bit I guess. The people here and friends helped me to keep a cold head and I’m so relieved I didn’t recontact her to start begging or try being friends.

But yeah, it made me think about my ex again, and I think I haven’t completely healed from that breakup yet. It’s been a year since I last saw her, but I m forcing myself everyday not to check if she’s with someone else or not. I think I was also afraid that she would move on before me, so I tried to take the lead in the race and find someone before her.

I am afraid by how these emotions impact me at work. I have been struggling a bit to focus recently, and I am feeling less productive. It’s hard having to be at your best all the time when you’re hurting.

[Beachead]

@elpandillero

 

Not a problem. Glad it helps.

 

There's always that one love in our life that does this to us isn't there. I wish I could tell you when you'll get better but there is no timeline on these things my friend. What I can say is time and post-breakup life experience that you accumulate over time will make it fade. Will it go away completely? I don't know. For some it does. For others, no. I can also say if you avoid your pain or don't bother to reflect within or are stubborn about moving..the longer it'll take for you to get there. But also, you can do all the right things and still hurt. Sometimes, you may have to take a risk and push yourself when you feel like you've hit some kind of emotional plateau. Something like seeing a picture of her with someone new can hurt but also be just what you need.

 

For me, I had a lot of trouble moving forward from this girl because I couldn't let go of this hope that maybe she'd come back one day. Maybe I'd hear from her again. She had such an impact on me Elpandillero and I missed her. Although I made a little progress over those first 7 months, I never really made any significant improvements. I needed something else.

 

One day, I got a text from my friend who also knew both her and him, saying they had gotten engaged and were marrying that summer. It hadn't even been a year yet since our own breakup. It was devastating. Floored me for weeks. But then I came out of that slump, knowing there was no choice but to go on. It took the hope away for the most part and I actually began to feel better than I had. Started to feel like myself again. I made a lot of improvements for the rest of the year. This year, has been a bit of set back but it's not as bad as those first 6-7 months so on average, I am getting better. It's just slow uphill climb.

 

And that's how it is with healing. Let the pain be but keep working on you. The best tool you can have in the process is to yourself so that you can make decisions that'll help you exactly where you need it. Writing helps. Can't stress it enough. If you want some exercises that will be of use for you, I can give you some suggestions. Free-writing or focused writing. Additional tools that have helped me tremendously was staying physically and continuing to meet people for non-romantic purposes also helps.

 

Stay Strong

 

- Beach

Edited May 17, 2019 by Beachead