We got back together but I'm already unsure

[kathsil]

Me and my boyfriend were together for 5 months, and there were several things I found abusive in his behaviour, which led to arguments and a break-up.

 

We were apart for 2 months and on one hand I felt free and happy, on the other hand I missed him.

 

So when he contacted me a week ago saying he misses me too, I decided to give it a second chance and see how it goes.

 

But the thing is, since we got back together we saw each other twice and I'm already seeing what to me is abusive behaviour.

 

So we met once for a coffee and had a conversation about us and decided to get back together.

 

Then he asked me when can we see each other again and I told him I'm free on Monday. He then asked if I want to meet at mine (we used to hang out a lot at my apartment), or if I want to meet somewhere else.

 

I told him we can meet at mine but it would be nice to then go grab something to eat (hint hint!). So he said we can have something to eat together, or he can have something to eat after he leaves work and meet me afterwards. I didn't understand him saying this, because I already told him I would like to have something to eat together...

 

So I told him to do as he prefers, and then he said ok I'll have something to eat and then meet you at yours.

 

I'm such an idiot that I thought that my hint of "grabbing something to eat" would make him invite me out for a proper dinner somewhere, or say we can cook together at mine or whatever.

 

So he came over, he asked if he could stayed the night which he did. Next morning when he woke up he decided not going to work so he could stay longer with me.

 

I work from home, so I don't have to go anywhere. But, I didn't like the fact that he DECIDED to stay at mine, when he should have ASKED me if that's ok.

 

After all, I have my work to do and my life and maybe need to go out and do stuff. I found it abusive that he decided instead of asking me.

 

Then he said he would stay until lunch time, but then again decided to stay until 4pm when I needed to leave to go to my mom's.

 

He didn't even invite me to go out for lunch or anything. Or asked if I want him to cook anything. He just ignored lunch, and then of course I was hungry and I was planning on doing a certain food for me and asked him if he wants to eat it too, to which he said yes but didn't even ask if I need any help.

 

So, after he left I started to think about all this and how he sounded. I felt like almost a booty call. Since he was already coming over, what's the point of making an effort, right?

 

Now he asked when can we see each other again, I said I'm free Saturday, and he said he'll be coming over at mine around 6pm. Again, no dinner plans or anything else, just coming over.

 

I don't like this to be honest. Those are the kind of things that annoyed me before about him, and he's still pretty much the same.

 

I told him once I like a man who does an effort, I like to go out for dinner, go on dates, etc. So it's not that I never told him what I want or like!

 

Can I get some opinion please? I'm already having doubts about this coming back together and thinking it might not be a good idea. Thank you.

Edited May 2, 2019 by kathsil

[basil67]

I'm not seeing any abusive behaviours on his part. Poor communication between the two of you, but no abuse.

 

With the eating issue, what I see is that you're not being forthright enough with what you want. You said you'd like to catch up and then grab something to eat. He replied that he could do that or eat first. So you told him to do as he prefers. (very passive aggressive of you) Why didn't you say "I'd really like to eat with you"? When you were hungry the next day, if you wanted to eat out, why didn't you just say so? If you wanted him to help in the kitchen, why didn't you give him a job?

 

With the staying over thing, you wrote "So he came over, he asked if he could stayed the night which he did" Then you complain that he didn't ask. He did ask! However, if you wrote it wrong and he told you he was staying, why didn't you tell him that you'd prefer he not stay?

 

He said he'd come to your place at 6pm for the next date. Why didn't you tell him you'd prefer to go to dinner?

 

In a relationship, communicating your needs is key. It's not OK to call someone abusive when in actual fact the fault is yours for not being assertive about what you want. Or perhaps it's that the two of you are simply incompatible.

Edited May 2, 2019 by basil67

[kathsil]

He asked if he could stay over, but it was until he goes to work the next morning.

 

The next morning he DECIDED to not go to work and stay at mine but DIDN’T ASK me, he just decided himself.

 

Is not about poor communication, I would like someone who is a gentleman and knows what to do (as in asking out for dinner, or lunch, etc) without me having to tell all the time. It’s not fun a woman having to tell a man how he should act, especially when I already told him before I like to go out and etc.

 

I don’t think a man would need a woman to tell him how to properly date, he should know already. And it’s not just related to me, but in general.

 

This guy feels like he just wants sex and hang out at my house, with minimum effort.

 

A real man knows how to put effort.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Twizzlestick]

Hi Op.

 

Just an outside perspective. Just my opinion.

 

Going Soley from your account I interpret zero “abuse” in these actual instances. I think one has to be careful with that word these days, like a lot of loaded words it becomes easily tossed at people and can seed bad feelings as it’s a word with a spectrum of connotations that once you label your partner with will breed contempt and mistrust. Now, of course we don’t know what went on in your rele and he maywell have been “abusive” in other ways. We can only comment about this account.

 

A recent Police advert here in the U.K. did indeed cite that domestic abuse does not have to be physical or shouting, it can be controlling and manipulative behaviour. But what you describe I wouldn’t say is abusive. Otherwise we’re all being abusive to each other as what you describe seems at worse insensitivity and/OR misunderstanding or misperception and bad communication.

 

It sounds more like a mismatch of expectations and poor comms.

 

You dropped “hints” thinking you were inferring something and were disappointed your expectations weren’t met. Here’s the thing. Hints are worth Jack if you want a working rele. It’s not about testing each other. We all fail. You will too in his eyes. Successful reles work by effective communication,

 

Many reles tank because people “hint” and sit dwelling on a pile of unmet expectations. Communication only works if it’s effective, can be interpreted by the receiver and understood. So perhaps ditch the pride and say it out loud next time if you’re unhappy, and always start from the position of normality. Never straight into anger or defence. One has to ask “what am I doing that I could improve in our rele if I’m unhappy. Could I explain my feelings more effectively?”

 

You might be pleasantly surprised at the response. He might say “oh I didn’t want to put on you with dinner as know you’re busy and we’re only getting back, but I’d love to go out for dinner myself!”. And then you’d both laugh and have a great time. Just an example.

 

Secondly when he stayed over. On the one hand you were frustrated he didn’t show engagement by wishing to go out for dinner, conversely you show annoyance that he over stayed his welcome. Kind of which is it? You see, in his mind he might be “hanging around” because he was determined to spend time with you, without needing the framework of something to do, to show you, your company alone and being with you is enjoyable and fulfilling. Without discussion and airing the resentment, it’s left to join the dots. In this case joining the dots is going badly.

 

Comms comms comms. No use coming on here asking a bunch of strangers without having an effective dialogue as a couple. And that means listening, not talking in defence (that only breeds argument).

Edited May 2, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[basil67]

OK, so it's incompatibility. But certainly not abuse.

[kathsil]

Secondly when he stayed over. On the one hand you were frustrated he didn’t show engagement by wishing to go out for dinner, conversely you show annoyance that he over stayed his welcome. Kind of which is it? You see, in his mind he might be “hanging around” because he was determined to spend time with you, without needing the framework of something to do, to show you, your company alone and being with you is enjoyable and fulfilling. Without discussion and airing the resentment, it’s left to join the dots. In this case joining the dots is going badly.

 

Comms comms comms. No use coming on here asking a bunch of strangers without having an effective dialogue as a couple. And that means listening, not talking in defence (that only breeds argument).

 

Oh so you think he staying until 4pm the next day without asking me if I'm ok with that, is normal behaviour? He DECIDED to stay until that time, he didn't ask if I'm ok with it.

 

In other words, in the morning when he woke up to go to work, he instead of going he told me "I'm going to tell them at work I don't feel good today and am going to stay here with you". A DECISION. Of course I could say no, but my point is he deciding, not asking. I would never do that in his house because to me, that is abusive.

 

I still don't think this is poor communication. I think a gentleman would just invite me out for dinner before coming to my house. He would just do it, without the woman having to say it.

 

My intuition told me he didn't want to go out for dinner, he just wanted to come over asap to have sex.

 

And I think a gentleman would also ask if I want help with cooking lunch, without me having to ask for help.

 

These are basic stuff and sometimes the "lack" of communication leaves space for people to show how they behave where there is no pressure.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

All this stuff about gentlemen.....do you truly consider yourself a lady with elegance and fine manners? Serious question.

[kathsil]

OK, so it's incompatibility. But certainly not abuse.

 

The reason why I say is abusive is because if I see it the other way around, if I am at his house, asking if I can stay the night UNTIL I GO TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING, and then waking up next morning and DECIDING I am not going to work and am going to stay at his house all day, without first asking if he is ok with that, would be abusive behaviour of me to him.

[kathsil]

All this stuff about gentlemen.....do you truly consider yourself a lady with elegance and fine manners? Serious question.

 

I surely do. That's why I like a gentleman who asks me properly for dinner, and when I say yes, he books a table for us, etc. Simple.

 

And especially when we're coming back together again. It shows effort and manners, very different from "fu**boy behaviour of "I'll eat something and then meet you at yours"...

 

This is not about poor communication, this is about him showing how he is.

Edited May 2, 2019 by kathsil

[Twizzlestick]

OP

 

I actually think a healthy rele where someone just stays is indeed very normal! I would not strive personally to spend a life with someone where I was on edge worrying whether I have misinterpreted the lastest expectation or overstayed. It’s meant to be free, easy and safe. Reles are meant to feel like we’re figuratively “at home” and safe from the world and judgement, castigation etc.

 

I put this alternative to you...

 

If you had things to do on your day, an alternative would be to say very light heartedly “hey, I’m not being a meanie but I’ve got to press on today ha ha”.

 

The same problem, two ways of dealing with it. One has you typing online labelling your partner as an abuser, the alternative outcome you might laugh, tease each other, share a morning coffee and go about your day with a smile.

 

It’s amazing the different outcomes when people treat identical situations differently. I’ve had a loving rele where worries like this were never on the cards. If you were living together you’d not be able to negotiate the rele very long if one were tip toeing around one another.

 

You talk energetically about what you consider a man should do, a gentleman and your expectations of such a person. What about yourself? What are your roles?

 

Have you considered what you as an adult who wishes a successful rele to be should bring to the table? It’s not a criticism but you have wishes and if they’re not being met, a wise person will appraise themselves as it’s only them that nets the result. It’s a poor tactic to project onto the other person without reflection upon one’s own actions and behaviours. Pre marriage counselling emphasises this joint accountability.

 

It seems to me a tense environment. I think you’re bringing tension for yourself and him by setting up tripwires in your mind. It’s no path to success.

 

Consider what you’re doing wrong with your rele? Are there things, mannerisms or behaviours you had time to reflect upon whilst you both were separated that you could have done better to contribute to you both as a team? You must have some desire as you got back together. I often think it’s wise to think of what you consider a rele to be. For me, it’s a loving companionship with mutual respect and value. For some they define a rele solely in terms of what they wish the other person to be. You often see this characterised in the bios of “tinder”. I think it’s this approach that often leads to failure as it discounts the joint element.

 

It’s bitter medicine but often it takes two people to make or break a rele. Consider this, do you believe your approach will nett you an effective, mutually respective and chilled out companionship? Perhaps not I would say.

 

You seem bent to have him painted black and conjur the support on comments to solidify that image in your mind. If this is the case and you’re not open to lateral thinking you might be on a downward slope. I hope you both get talking effectively as you’re back together. It’s not about convincing us, it’s doing the leg work as a couple to make your rele work. It’s your rele, not ours.

 

As communicating or it’s relevance seems to be discarded you’re at the moment unaware if his feelings. He might be sitting in a land of confusion about all this. People interpret unsaid situations and it could well be making things feel tense and uncomfortable because he can sense you’re edgy. You end up with someone tip toeing; always doing the wrong thing, constantly dancing from one foot to the other in futile effort to satisfy the latest conflicting unexpressed expectation. It’s an uncomfortable environment and no one in a rele should have to put up with such a dynamic.

 

I’d urge you to take a step back and consider a different approach. Perhaps do some reading about reles and what to make them work. I think you’ll find communicating figures over expectation and testing.

 

I wouldn’t feel easy just reflecting back what you wish to hear, over holding up alternative points as a mirror. An alternative to consider. It’s often not easy in reles as we become tied with ego, pride and emotion. But you can say you did the correct thing and did proper work if it still fails...

Edited May 2, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[kathsil]

I get what you're saying, but I don't think is a healthy relationship where you just assume and decide to stay without asking the other.

 

We're not living together and is my house, and we just got back together again. Asking is just respectful, that's it. Not asking from fear or walking on eggshells, but from respect.

 

I always had this feeling about him that he wanted things his way with minimum effort of his part, and that's again what I am feeling.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

The reason why I say is abusive is because if I see it the other way around, if I am at his house, asking if I can stay the night UNTIL I GO TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING, and then waking up next morning and DECIDING I am not going to work and am going to stay at his house all day, without first asking if he is ok with that, would be abusive behaviour of me to him.

 

No, it would not be abusive of you to do that. If you're getting on fine with each other, why not stay? Heck, I met my husband on a Saturday, stayed the night and all of the next day. He didn't ask me to stay....but we were having such a great time together, it was obvious that I was welcome.

 

Labelling behaviour which you don't like as abusive is out of line. And frankly, it's disrespectful to those who have suffered terrible abuse in forms of control, disconnect from family, financial abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse.

 

I'm not saying that you have to stay with someone who doesn't meet your needs. But check yourself on the "abuse" terminology.

[kathsil]

Listen, I work from home. It was a working day the next day. It wasn't weekend, a bank holiday or vacations. It was a work day. So assuming he can stay without asking me, I think is abusive because it's my house.

 

There are many types of abuse, some worse than others, I'm not saying this is the worst because is not, but yes it is abusive not asking, is my opinion.

 

Also, I've just realised I didn't have poor communication to him at all regarding going out to eat. I was actually very clear.

 

He asked if I wanted him to come over or meet somewhere else. I told him we can meet at mine but then go grab something to eat. This is not a hint or passive aggressive, this is me communicating what I want clearly.

 

To which he should have responded something like "ok, so I'll meet you at yours at (insert time), and we can go somewhere to eat". Simple.

 

He basically ignored what I said and suggested he eats before he comes to meet me. Not nice.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I'm sorry, I can't see this as abuse by any stretch of the imagination. People outstay their welcomes sometimes and we have to be straight up with them if we want them to leave. You could have done that.

 

Anyway, the upshot is that you don't like him and need to stop seeing him. I wish you luck in finding someone who can better meet your needs.

[kathsil]

I see it the other way around. People shouldn't outstay their welcomes and should ASK if they can stay longer, instead of just assuming they can stay, especially when they know the other person has work to do. He's not a child, is a grown-up man.

 

This is not about finding someone who can meet my needs. Is about being respectful.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Twizzlestick]

OP

 

 

1/ You’re amping small things that occur daily within reles to be thermonuclear.

 

2/ Instead of discussing with him (like couples are meant to). After he’s left spending some time with you, you’re furiously posting online labelling your partner an abuser. That’s a pretty serious thing to do and a rapid escalation.

 

 

You’re also at conflict with your “expectations”. On the one hand he’s not being attentive with the meal, then in the over hand you want him to grace you with your permission to do what most would consider a natural loving attentive act (Er, stay a bit?!).

 

These things are massively over egged, they shouldn’t be carrying such vehemence. It’s a bad outlook. If small things like this carry such potential within your mindset, then God knows how you’re both going to get on. Blimey.

 

People fail, I assure you YOU will and prob do fail some of his expectations. For one example! I bet if he knew you were online calling him an abuser he’d view that as a pretty dire drastic failure of expectations. Never mind about getting meal outs wrong. That would trump most of those cards within a rele. Think of the boot on the other foot if you annoyed him and he came on here calling you such? People don’t usually carry weight to these things, there’s something wrong here.

 

if you were miffed at these things that would be one thing, fact you’re labelling him to yourself as an abuser is one big red alarm bell. The fact you’ve then discounted talking to him and then furiously tapped onto the web that he’s an abuser is a big siren going off.

 

It all seems so amped up and tense. I can’t see this lasting without serious pain unless a different approach is tried. I urge you to take a step back and try and view a different way.

 

But I largely gather you’re closed to options so that means you want out. And you could just end it without the abuse label which is highly unjust and out of line going off the portrayal you gave.

[suetoppp]

What it seems to me is that you want a more masculine man. A alpha male, who will invite you out to dinner instead of asking you what do you want to do, or saying he is going to eat alone before meeting you.

 

I also don't get that. Why would he prefer to eat alone when you said you wanted to eat together?

 

Don't ignore your instincts.

 

I also don't think he is abusive, but he's not one to do much effort and that's why he comes across as abusive to you. He's taking more than he is giving basically.

[kathsil]

OP

 

 

1/ You’re amping small things that occur daily within reles to be thermonuclear.

 

2/ Instead of discussing with him (like couples are meant to). After he’s left spending some time with you, you’re furiously posting online labelling your partner an abuser. That’s a pretty serious thing to do and a rapid escalation.

 

 

You’re also at conflict with your “expectations”. On the one hand he’s not being attentive with the meal, then in the over hand you want him to grace you with your permission to do what most would consider a natural loving attentive act (Er, stay a bit?!).

 

These things are massively over egged, they shouldn’t be carrying such vehemence. It’s a bad outlook. If small things like this carry such potential within your mindset, then God knows how you’re both going to get on. Blimey.

 

People fail, I assure you YOU will and prob do fail some of his expectations. For one example! I bet if he knew you were online calling him an abuser he’d view that as a pretty dire drastic failure of expectations. Never mind about getting meal outs wrong. That would trump most of those cards within a rele. Think of the boot on the other foot if you annoyed him and he came on here calling you such? People don’t usually carry weight to these things, there’s something wrong here.

 

if you were miffed at these things that would be one thing, fact you’re labelling him to yourself as an abuser is one big red alarm bell. The fact you’ve then discounted talking to him and then furiously tapped onto the web that he’s an abuser is a big siren going off.

 

It all seems so amped up and tense. I can’t see this lasting without serious pain unless a different approach is tried. I urge you to take a step back and try and view a different way.

 

But I largely gather you’re closed to options so that means you want out. And you could just end it without the abuse label which is highly unjust and out of line going off the portrayal you gave.

 

I've said already this is not a question of bad communication.

 

He asked me what I wanted to do (meet at mine or somewhere else), and I said we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat (clearly communicating to him what I wanted), to which he ignored and said he prefers to have something to eat on his own before coming over. So why did he ask if he ended up ignoring what I wanted?

 

Ok he's not abusive. But he's not nice in how he does things.

 

Yes he needs my permission to stay at mine. And he didn't "stay a bit", he was supposed to leave at 8am and decided to stay until 4pm, knowing it was a work day and I work from home. Yes he needs my permission to do that and cannot take that decision alone because is my house, I have work to do and we don't live together.

 

The respectful thing to do would be ASKING if he can stay longer.

[kathsil]

What it seems to me is that you want a more masculine man. A alpha male, who will invite you out to dinner instead of asking you what do you want to do, or saying he is going to eat alone before meeting you.

 

I also don't get that. Why would he prefer to eat alone when you said you wanted to eat together?

 

Don't ignore your instincts.

 

I also don't think he is abusive, but he's not one to do much effort and that's why he comes across as abusive to you. He's taking more than he is giving basically.

 

I want a guy who knows how to date a woman properly. Like coach Corey Wayne says in his 3% Man book, "If you don’t date your wife or your girlfriend, some other guy eventually will."

 

And I don't think that "I'll eat something alone before going to meet you at yours", when I said I wanted to go together have something to eat, is proper dating.

[Twizzlestick]

 

The respectful thing to do would be ASKING if he can stay longer.

 

Ok, Well the respectful thing would also not be to come online after he overstayed by a few hours and announce to the online world your partner an abuser. If I had a partner who did that, I’d be devastated followed by never darkening her doorstep again.

 

But I see you’re coming to sense with that one and dropping it, which is good! Emotions run high but I’ve personally little time for waving around such terms unjustly, just as strongly as I feel for people who suffer abuse ( I have a friend going through a physical and emotional abusive rele it’s pretty unpleasant).

 

But I understand you’re clearly hurt, and it’s good you’re moderating a bit and opening to thoughts.

 

Look, two things. You insist comms isn’t relevant, but you’re asking us, strangers why he did xyz? See the problem with that?

 

I think your interpretation of the rele is lop sided and structured in your mind as master/servant. Which is not uncommon I’ve noticed. Hence a lot of single people online with bios that read like demand lists you’d find from an employer looking for a badly paid employee. Reading your above posts, there’s a lot of “asking permission”, labelling and also expectations loaded with collassal weight over small things. I honestly can’t see this working as it is unless you both come to the drawing board and check yourselves. It actually seems unworkable as it is.

 

You came back after a split, did either of you do any work on reles? Take a read of interdependency within a relationship. Did you BOTH visit in your minds what you each could improve and then discuss it when you reconciled? seems to be a case of just returning to the same old.

 

I hope you find peace with this OP, perhaps you’re going to be forced to have a Pow wow together because as it is it looks like it’s heading for the rocks in your mind.

[kathsil]

Master and servant?? lol that made me laugh.

 

Is my house of course he has to ask if he wants to overstay because guess what? I have a LIFE! I have work to do and deadlines to meet, and he knows that.

 

Again, asking is being respectful and not crossing the other person's boundaries. I'm sorry you can't see that.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[suetoppp]

I want a guy who knows how to date a woman properly. Like coach Corey Wayne says in his 3% Man book, "If you don’t date your wife or your girlfriend, some other guy eventually will."

 

And I don't think that "I'll eat something alone before going to meet you at yours", when I said I wanted to go together have something to eat, is proper dating.

 

It seems to me you got a beta male. A guy who needs you to contantly take the decisions, plans where to go to eat, book the table, cook the meal, etc.

 

There are many guys like that and many masculine women who love it.

 

You want a masculine guy because you're more in your feminine energy. So this guy is not abusive, but he's not a match to you. And you're feeling off because of that, you're lacking the polarity.

[Twizzlestick]

Master and servant?? lol that made me laugh.

 

I'm sorry you can't see that.

 

well I wasn’t trying to give anyone ideas with that lol.

 

In sincereness, its not me you need to convince, a stranger. There’s no purpose to that. Your goal seems to be to sort your rele out. Convincing strangers to align their input with your view of your rele is pointless for you and wasted energy.

 

I’m getting the impression no matter which way the dominoes are arranged you’re going to be at chalk and cheese the two of you.

 

It’s a shame you won’t at least try and talk about it with each other as even if you end it there will be something said, so why not spend a bit of energy beforehand in talk.

 

But, I think someone above decsribed it well... “incompatible”.

 

I think that’s the most simplistic way of looking at it. Whether you take stock for your part within a rele, good and the “could do differently”, is up to you. We all have to carve our own way and reap the results of our inputs.

[darkmoon]

he "decided" because asking is not needed when you have just spent the night together - unless - you want to keep him distant

 

 

 

there were some times I wish my crushes had chosen to hang around and not rush off unaccountably and painfully (for me, not them)

[kathsil]

Ok I haven't thought about it that way. What you are saying is that maybe he felt so comfortable with me that he decided to stay because he felt it was ok? Ok that makes sense.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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