We got back together but I'm already unsure

[JuneL]

Well I did that today actually. He called me and I asked him so what do you want to do Saturday, where do you want to go?

 

He responded saying we could go to the movies or go out for dinner, depending what time is the movie we wanna watch. To which I said that sounds lovely!

 

Now I wanna see if he’s really gonna go ahead with it or if he’s just gonna withdraw like he did in the past.

 

Personally I think it’s fine to stay in on weekday nights. But you can make it clear that let’s have a date night on Sat. You can also go out during the day on the weekend.

[JuneL]

p.s. Do you think he might be dating others? That’s why he doesn’t like to be seen out with you and doesn’t want you to be at his place often.

[kathsil]

Personally I think it’s fine to stay in on weekday nights. But you can make it clear that let’s have a date night on Sat. You can also go out during the day on the weekend.

 

Well I disagree. If we meet early like 6pm on weekdays there’s so much we can do together: go to the gym, for a bike ride, for a walk (there are stunning places to walk around here), go for a meal in a near by restaurant, etc.

 

To be honest I miss dating when we were younger, actually going out and having fun together. All this lazy culture now of netflix and chill gets old pretty fast, and the world is too big to stay at home all the time.

 

I also understand one thing: I work from home so I want to go out. He works all day in an office so he want to stay in. But we need to find a balance between going out and staying in, with him is alwayssss staying in.

[kathsil]

p.s. Do you think he might be dating others? That’s why he doesn’t like to be seen out with you and doesn’t want you to be at his place often.

 

That’s possible I don’t know.

[JuneL]

Well I disagree. If we meet early like 6pm on weekdays there’s so much we can do together: go to the gym, for a bike ride, for a walk (there are stunning places to walk around here), go for a meal in a near by restaurant, etc.

 

To be honest I miss dating when we were younger, actually going out and having fun together. All this lazy culture now of netflix and chill gets old pretty fast, and the world is too big to stay at home all the time.

 

I also understand one thing: I work from home so I want to go out. He works all day in an office so he want to stay in. But we need to find a balance between going out and staying in, with him is alwayssss staying in.

 

You should get out for lunch or go to the gym by yourself during your work break. It can be depressing to stay home the whole day/week.

[stillafool]

Well I did that today actually. He called me and I asked him so what do you want to do Saturday, where do you want to go?

 

He responded saying we could go to the movies or go out for dinner, depending what time is the movie we wanna watch. To which I said that sounds lovely!

 

Now I wanna see if he’s really gonna go ahead with it or if he’s just gonna withdraw like he did in the past.

 

I don't like the "we could","or" and "depending" part of his response because it still isn't an actual confirmation of what you guys are going to do. I don't like to get picky; but if this guy has a pattern of deflecting you should have found out what exactly you guys were going to do and what time.

[kathsil]

You should get out for lunch or go to the gym by yourself during your work break. It can be depressing to stay home the whole day/week.

 

Yes I do that already during the day. I also go out a lot to meet with clients.

[kathsil]

I don't like the "we could","or" and "depending" part of his response because it still isn't an actual confirmation of what you guys are going to do. I don't like to get picky; but if this guy has a pattern of deflecting you should have found out what exactly you guys were going to do and what time.

 

I don’t like it either. And I don’t understand why is it ‘or’ because if we go to the cinema we’ll still gonna need to eat afterwards, right?! By the time we finish the movie we’ll be hungry. So we should do both.

 

Anyway I’ll see what he does this time.

[JuneL]

I don't like the "we could","or" and "depending" part of his response because it still isn't an actual confirmation of what you guys are going to do. I don't like to get picky; but if this guy has a pattern of deflecting you should have found out what exactly you guys were going to do and what time.

 

This.

 

OP: Make sure he doesn’t get away with being wishy washy again this time. Tell him in no uncertain term to make a SOLID plan; otherwise, I can bet a lot of money on he’s going to text you “Perhaps I’ll grab something to eat first before stopping by your place at 7pm...or do you want to eat together?” By that time, your blood will be boiling and you’ll be like “Whatever.”

[d0nnivain]

I don’t think this is poor communication from me, is him pretending he didn’t understand and taking his way with it.

 

True to an extent. But when he behaves like this you can't let it slide. You have to push for clarification.

 

Like with this movie thing. Don't wait for him to figure this out. He won't make the effort. You pick a movie & a time. Then you pick a restaurant that will work with the movie. Then you present it to him as The Plan.

[JuneL]

Well I did that today actually. He called me and I asked him so what do you want to do Saturday, where do you want to go?

 

He responded saying we could go to the movies or go out for dinner, depending what time is the movie we wanna watch. To which I said that sounds lovely!

 

Now I wanna see if he’s really gonna go ahead with it or if he’s just gonna withdraw like he did in the past.

 

To which you should have responded with “How about we grab a bite at 6.30pm and see the 8pm movie?”

[kathsil]

This.

 

OP: Make sure he doesn’t get away with being wishy washy again this time. Tell him in no uncertain term to make a SOLID plan; otherwise, I can bet a lot of money on he’s going to text you “Perhaps I’ll grab something to eat first before stopping by your place at 7pm...or do you want to eat together?” By that time, your blood will be boiling and you’ll be like “Whatever.”

 

Yes if course, this time it won’t be ‘whatever’, it will be don’t bother coming.

 

Every time I see a message from you and I read your nickname ‘stillafool’, I wonder if that’s what I am being: still a fool believing in this guy.

[kathsil]

True to an extent. But when he behaves like this you can't let it slide. You have to push for clarification.

 

Like with this movie thing. Don't wait for him to figure this out. He won't make the effort. You pick a movie & a time. Then you pick a restaurant that will work with the movie. Then you present it to him as The Plan.

 

Because he is the guy and that’s a very masculine energy and I don’t want to be the man in this relationship. I like a man who plans and asks and let me stay in my feminine energy.

 

If I do that I’m doing his job and enabling his lazy ass.

[stillafool]

I agree with JuneL and dOnnivain on this. You should actually get to pick the movie and the restaurant at this point. Why don't you suggest them to him and ask which show time he wants to go. Suggest an early showing so you two can have dinner afterwards then tell him the restaurant. Find out his response. I hate cheap men.

[kathsil]

I agree with JuneL and dOnnivain on this. You should actually get to pick the movie and the restaurant at this point. Why don't you suggest them to him and ask which show time he wants to go. Suggest an early showing so you two can have dinner afterwards then tell him the restaurant. Find out his response. I hate cheap men.

 

Please read my last reply before yours, I’m responding to this.

 

And I hate cheap men too, especially the ones that tell you to your face how much good money they make in their job.

[JuneL]

I agree with JuneL and dOnnivain on this. You should actually get to pick the movie and the restaurant at this point. Why don't you suggest them to him and ask which show time he wants to go. Suggest an early showing so you two can have dinner afterwards then tell him the restaurant. Find out his response. I hate cheap men.

 

While I would help him solidify the plan, I wouldn’t be doing all the planning work like d0nnivain has suggested.

[d0nnivain]

Because he is the guy and that’s a very masculine energy and I don’t want to be the man in this relationship. I like a man who plans and asks and let me stay in my feminine energy.

 

If I do that I’m doing his job and enabling his lazy ass.

 

Yes doing that will put you in the driver's seat. I prefer the words active partner & passive partner to your gender assignments but we are using different vocabulary to describe the same thing.

 

If you want a planner, HE'S NOT YOUR GUY! You will continue to be disappointed, frustrated & annoyed because you want him to be something he's not. Either plan, stop complaining or get a new guy. There is no force on earth that will change him into the take charge guy you want.

[kathsil]

His response when I said ‘that sounds lovely’ was ‘I would like that a lot’. lol

 

He didn’t say ‘I’m gonna see movie times and let you know’ or something like that, he said nothing else. Sorry but no I won’t be the man in the relationship and enable his lazy ass.

 

Women LOVE men who do an effort.

[JuneL]

Try text him this, OP: “Btw, please don’t leave me hanging about our Sat plan. When and where shall we meet for dinner and movie? Look forward to our date night ”

[kathsil]

Yes doing that will put you in the driver's seat. I prefer the words active partner & passive partner to your gender assignments but we are using different vocabulary to describe the same thing.

 

If you want a planner, HE'S NOT YOUR GUY! You will continue to be disappointed, frustrated & annoyed because you want him to be something he's not. Either plan, stop complaining or get a new guy. There is no force on earth that will change him into the take charge guy you want.

 

Yes he is a beta male or just plain lazy. I’m very feminine and I love a masculine man who takes charge and plans and makes an effort.

 

This guy just drains me. Getting out of my feminine energy and into a masculine energy doesn’t feel right to me and I lose attraction to the guy.

[kathsil]

Try text him this, OP: “Btw, please don’t leave me hanging about our Sat plan. When and where shall we meet for dinner and movie? Look forward to our date night ”

 

Or just say nothing and sees what he does.

[d0nnivain]

I am very much an Alpha Female. Even so I love being taken care of & nurtured. When I was single & decided I was ready to settle down, I threw it out to the universe that I wanted a man who was strong enough to let me be weak. That is a tall order.

 

My husband is a United States Marine Veteran. He's one of the strongest most loyal men I know but God bless him, the man can't plan his way out of a paper bag. He just sucks at it. I tried & tried to be deferential & let him arrange our dates. All it got me was pissed off. In frustration my husband finally pled with me to not rely on him to juggle all the details I can manage with ease because it's too much for him. So I run our social lives but he gets veto power. I'm also willing to do things without him. He is an introvert who needs alone time. Occasionally I will ask him for a specific thing: please plan a date next weekend. Or I give him a multiple choice Q: do you want to do X or Y? More variables just befuddle him. It has been much better since I just do it, but we didn't get there until we really talked & admitted things that were hard to talk about.

 

In exchange for doing more planning, I got a reliable steadfast guy who has gotten me through some pretty awful times including the deaths of my parents & the destruction of my childhood home.

 

You can carry on about all the gender stereotypes all you want but until you accept more responsibility for the path of your life & you social activities you will remain stuck in this frustrating place. The choice is yours. Longing to find somebody to do things for you that you can easily do yourself is a path to everlasting unhappiness

[BluEyeL]

OP, I did not read everything, just the first couple of pages, but I will go against the rest here and say that the man seems inconsiderate at best. I would suggest dumping him.

 

You are dating, not married and he doesn't romance you at all. He makes no effort, is selfish. If you keep dating a guy like this you will end up a very unhappy and frustrated wife with a selfish man, who doesn't care to help, bring you flowers or generally treat you with consideration.

 

He should have asked you what is your schedule that day, if it's OK for him to hang around. He should ask you to go to dinner instead of always coming to your place and do whatever. That's not somebody I'd like as a partner, although some other people may be ok with it. That lazy behavior is certainly NOT ok when you are just dating. Not that is ok later, but people usually get lazier when they move in or marry.

[kathsil]

I am very much an Alpha Female. Even so I love being taken care of & nurtured. When I was single & decided I was ready to settle down, I threw it out to the universe that I wanted a man who was strong enough to let me be weak. That is a tall order.

 

My husband is a United States Marine Veteran. He's one of the strongest most loyal men I know but God bless him, the man can't plan his way out of a paper bag. He just sucks at it. I tried & tried to be deferential & let him arrange our dates. All it got me was pissed off. In frustration my husband finally pled with me to not rely on him to juggle all the details I can manage with ease because it's too much for him. So I run our social lives but he gets veto power. I'm also willing to do things without him. He is an introvert who needs alone time. Occasionally I will ask him for a specific thing: please plan a date next weekend. Or I give him a multiple choice Q: do you want to do X or Y? More variables just befuddle him. It has been much better since I just do it, but we didn't get there until we really talked & admitted things that were hard to talk about.

 

In exchange for doing more planning, I got a reliable steadfast guy who has gotten me through some pretty awful times including the deaths of my parents & the destruction of my childhood home.

 

You can carry on about all the gender stereotypes all you want but until you accept more responsibility for the path of your life & you social activities you will remain stuck in this frustrating place. The choice is yours. Longing to find somebody to do things for you that you can easily do yourself is a path to everlasting unhappiness

 

Thank you for sharing that.

 

Well I'm not looking for someone perfect, but I do loveeeeee a guy who plans and also surprises with arranged plans like weekends away and stuff. I really do thrive on that!

 

I'm alpha female as well in running my business, but I don't want to be like that on dating. I want to be in my feminine energy on dating.

 

One thing about this guy is that he has an overbearing mother, so that might have hidden a lot of his masculine energy around women.

 

But also the thing about this guy that I didn't like before we broke up was that when he wanted to lure me back in (for example after an argument), he was all about making efforts.

 

He would plan stuff, he would do stuff, all in his masculine energy. As soon as he felt things were back to normal, he would go back to being lazy. And this DRIVES ME NUTS! I feel like I'm being played.

 

And that is very different from your guy who is just the way he is.

 

This one knows how to be masculine and make an effort when is convenient to him, reverting back to being lazy again afterwards. And this turns me off so much like you wouldn't believe.

 

More than once I told him that I want CONSISTENCY!

 

If he shows me effort in specific times, then I'm sorry but you'll have to maintain that afterwards as well.

 

And by effort I mean bringing groceries, plan to go somewhere, saying he can help me changing the tyre in my car, etc. Normal things! Wanting to do this at specific times and then not giving a shyt after I'm back in, feels just that: a game where I'm being played.

Edited May 2, 2019 by kathsil

[d0nnivain]

You are entitled to want consistency. Given the pattern that you now describe, it's becoming more & more obvious to me that he will never be your guy. For whatever reason he is not motivated to give you what you crave. If you continue with him you have to recognize it will never happen.