We got back together but I'm already unsure

[Twizzlestick]

To be fair, that option was given only after the guy blatantly ignored her suggestion.

 

I don’t see compelling evidence he “blantantly” ignored her. That’s joining the dots.

 

He might have taken she was citing she wants to eat and offering different scenarios.

 

To be honest. There’s so much testing, hinting, downright neurotic reading into things and poor comms going on I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy innocently thought he was answering the right question as it sounded. Op might not even have been clear.

 

It’s all largely by the by as seems a really low key thing that shouldn’t even be discussed, a first date back ruined by testing, mis comms, expectations and conflicting messages followed by calling him an abuser online.

 

I bet the guys got a stress headache after all this tension.

[kathsil]

Guys, I think I should explain where I'm coming from so you understand why I'm being so bad talking about him and why we broke up.

 

Shortly after we started dating, he wanted to come over at mine all the time. We basically had no dates. There was no going out to dinner, no going to the cinema, going out to visit places, do normal dating. Nothing.

 

All he wanted was to stay at mine and I rarely stayed at his.

 

Then he started talking about moving in with me, to which I told him is too early for that.

 

Just before we broke up, we had a conversation and I told him I feel all we do is eat at mine (take outs most of the time), have sex and sleep, nothing else. This is NOT a relationship!

 

I told him I would like to go out, go to places, do stuff together, etc.

 

He didn't like it and I felt he didn't want to make an effort or do stuff with me that doesn't include sex.

 

So now I'm basically feeling we're back on the same old.

 

For example, he asked me when we see each other again, and I told him Saturday. So he's basically busy all day Saturday and said he'll come to mine around 6pm...

 

Again, he didn't suggest doing anything or any date, is just coming to mine and that's it. Just have netflix and chill like before. And I don't want to go back to it.

 

I almost feel like I need to find another guy to have dates with! Because it's the most difficult thing in the world with this one.

 

So this is where I'm coming from. You're right, he's not abusive, he's LAZY!

[kathsil]

I don’t see compelling evidence he “blantantly” ignored her. That’s joining the dots.

 

He might have taken she was citing she wants to eat and offering different scenarios.

 

To be honest. There’s so much testing, hinting, downright neurotic reading into things and poor comms going on I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy innocently thought he was answering the right question as it sounded. Op might not even have been clear.

 

It’s all largely by the by as seems a really low key thing that shouldn’t even be discussed, a first date back ruined by testing, mis comms, expectations and conflicting messages followed by calling him an abuser online.

 

I bet the guys got a stress headache after all this tension.

 

- He asked me if I want to meet at mine or go elsewhere

- I said meet at mine and then go have something to eat

- He should have said: ok, meet you at yours at (insert time) and let's go somewhere to eat.

 

End of story.

 

See how simple it would have been if he had listened to my response to his first question and act on it?

[stillafool]

I agree Twizzlestick, the guy was probably confused himself because of poor communication.

[d0nnivain]

In the first instance, I told him I want to meet at mine and then go grab soemthing to eat. He IGNORED that and said something like "I can meet you earlier to have something to eat or I can go home, have something to eat myself and then meet you at yours. His message was very confusing to be honest and I realized he was ignoring my request and then I told him to do as he prefers, because at that point I gave up..

 

And therein lies your problem.

 

At that moment you gave in. You wanted something else -- to be taken out to dinner -- but you acquiesced to his lazy effortless dating style. When you realized he was not picking up your hints, that was your cue to say something along the lines of:

 

This didn't work last time because I never felt like you were making an effort. I don't want to have a date at my house. If you are serious about trying to make this work, step up. I can't be bothered if you won't even take me on a proper date. We're not going to back to you coming over & us never doing anything.

 

You did none of that. You gave in. The pattern you didn't like the first time you dated him is repeating itself & you are wondering why. It's happening because you are letting it happen. Steer the ship of your life in the direction you want it to take & stop complaining that your life & relationships aren't what you want them to be if you are not taking proper control.

[kathsil]

To be fair, that option was given only after the guy blatantly ignored her suggestion.

 

EXACTLY!

 

The option was given because I felt he IGNORED my suggestion, so I was basically "whatever".

[d0nnivain]

kathsil

 

Re-read what you wrote in post # 52. That is you solving your own problem!

 

I promise things will improve when you set better boundaries & you don't just give up when met with resistance.

[kathsil]

And therein lies your problem.

 

At that moment you gave in. You wanted something else -- to be taken out to dinner -- but you acquiesced to his lazy effortless dating style. When you realized he was not picking up your hints, that was your cue to say something along the lines of:

 

This didn't work last time because I never felt like you were making an effort. I don't want to have a date at my house. If you are serious about trying to make this work, step up. I can't be bothered if you won't even take me on a proper date. We're not going to back to you coming over & us never doing anything.

 

You did none of that. You gave in. The pattern you didn't like the first time you dated him is repeating itself & you are wondering why. It's happening because you are letting it happen. Steer the ship of your life in the direction you want it to take & stop complaining that your life & relationships aren't what you want them to be if you are not taking proper control.

 

I totally agree.

 

And I didn't give him a hint, I said clearly I want to meet at mine and then go out to have something to eat. It was clear and he ignored it.

 

I'm not going to accept this going back to the same old.

[kathsil]

kathsil

 

Re-read what you wrote in post # 52. That is you solving your own problem!

 

I promise things will improve when you set better boundaries & you don't just give up when met with resistance.

 

Yes, agree. But with this guy I have SO many times put up my boundaries and in the past I told him exactly what I want: to go out, to have dates, etc. He never step up.

 

To be honest I'm tired. I gave him a second chance but he doesn't want to step up and I'm tired of this. I think it's a lost cause.

[kathsil]

I agree Twizzlestick, the guy was probably confused himself because of poor communication.

 

- He asked me if I want to meet at mine or go elsewhere

- I said meet at mine and then go have something to eat

 

What was exactly my poor communication?

[kathsil]

First of all he didn't decide to just stay over at your house. He asked you if he could stay and you said okay. If you didn't want him to stay over you should have told him so. If you were hungry and wanted to go out to eat don't hint like a child, just tell him what you want. You expect this man to be a mind reader. I agree you guys aren't compatible and if you consider what he did as abuse you need to break up.

 

I agreed for him to stay over until he goes to work the next morning, not until 4pm in the afternoon.

 

- He asked me if I want to meet at mine or go elsewhere

- I said meet at mine and then go have something to eat

 

I didn't hint like a child, I communicated clearly what I wanted. No mind reading needed there.

[JuneL]

Just a couple of curious questions: Why did you guys rarely go to his place? Did he have roommates, or did he live with his parents? Do you think he might not have the money to take you out, even for an inexpensive dinner? Would you mind if your dates involve mostly free stuff outside? Did he contribute financially when he stayed at your place (e.g., paying for grocery)?

[Twizzlestick]

Guys, I think I should explain where I'm coming from so you understand why I'm being so bad talking about him and why we broke up!

 

 

The issues that bothered you are actually good ones to have, as keeping it fresh an active is a good thing, so that’s a positive. Where it’s tanked like a lead zeppelin is the execution.

 

The prob is, as has been alluded to above you’re not doing your part either. I know this sounds hard as I bet you think I your part was done and dusted just by a chat when you reconciled.

 

You doing your part isn’t mentioning it, sitting back and hoping with a handful of silvery thin hints. Stand your ground. Stick to your boundaries. People can’t work with what they don’t know is felt. You clearly drew some lines in the sand of what you wanted when you broke up. Start acting like it means something. I’m guessing he must have agreed with you for you two to reconcile?

 

So when he mentioned staying in, that was your que, yes yours! To say “no, we’re going out nimwit, stop being such a stop at home ha ha (much merriment again)”. And when it came to the bizarre thing of him overstaying his welcome, again.

 

“Sorry xxxx, I know this sounds like I’m now booting you now after a nice night, but to be honest I’m busy but I’ve got to crack on, but tell you what, we’ll make up another day (winks and flirty smiles etc)”

 

Get on like that for a while. Speak your mind, say what you actually want and make it stick. Don’t just roll on it and sit in a huff like a kid.

 

If he’s not responding in kind after a few weeks or dates like this and still grinding your gears then you know you have a problem. Testing is for Disney films and children.

[d0nnivain]

Then he asked me when can we see each other again and I told him I'm free on Monday. He then asked if I want to meet at mine (we used to hang out a lot at my apartment), or if I want to meet somewhere else.

 

I told him we can meet at mine but it would be nice to then go grab something to eat (hint hint!). So he said we can have something to eat together, or he can have something to eat after he leaves work and meet me afterwards. I didn't understand him saying this, because I already told him I would like to have something to eat together...

 

So I told him to do as he prefers, and then he said ok I'll have something to eat and then meet you at yours.

 

You asked where the poor communication was. Re-read the above.

 

When he asked if you wanted to meet at your apartment or if you wanted to meet somewhere else. You answered that you would meet at your apartment. That answer was the start of the mis-communication. You would have been better served saying you'd meet him somewhere & you pick the place. Secondarily you would have said, pick me up at my place at [time] then we can head over to [place]. Because you didn't set the stage you got more of the same. You were not clear that you wanted to go out. You only hinted, Saying it would be nice to get something to eat is not the same as saying take me to dinner.

 

 

He's not going to be the BF you want. So get off this merry go round

[kathsil]

Just a couple of curious questions: Why did you guys rarely go to his place? Did he have roommates, or did he live with his parents? Do you think he might not have the money to take you out, even for an inexpensive dinner? Would you mind if your dates involve mostly free stuff outside? Did he contribute financially when he stayed at your place (e.g., paying for grocery)?

 

Because he wanted to stay at mine basically. And because for a long time he wanted to move in with me.

 

He has a VERY well paying job, no money issues. He could fly me over to a date in Paris if he wanted to.

 

There were NO dates outside besides the first ones before we had sex.

 

Yes he bought groceries a few times and would pay for the take-outs, but never cooked or anything.

 

I felt he was looking for a housewife.

[stillafool]

If you wanted him to leave earlier all you had to do was tell him he had to leave. Not stew over it.

 

I told him we can meet at mine but it would be nice to then go grab something to eat (hint hint!).

 

Maybe he didn't understand you or didn't hear what you said. Why couldn't you just repeat that you want to go with him to get something to eat. Don't hint, ask for what you want.

[JuneL]

Because he wanted to stay at mine basically. And because for a long time he wanted to move in with me.

 

He has a VERY well paying job, no money issues. He could fly me over to a date in Paris if he wanted to.

 

There were NO dates outside besides the first ones before we had sex.

 

Yes he bought groceries a few times and would pay for the take-outs, but never cooked or anything.

 

I felt he was looking for a housewife.

 

Thanks for answering my questions. But why can’t you move in with him instead? Why is your place more suitable?? Did he take you on dates before you officially became bf-gf?

 

I think you should learn from this experience and communicate better and set better boundaries in your future relationships. But I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like this, either.

[TooBad]

Your poor communication lies in the fact that you said 'we could...' wich is a suggestion. To wich he made the suggestion to either do that or him eat first and then come. You chose to see that as a negative thing.

 

 

If I was getting back together with my ex, I would not want to go eat outside and not be able to have a talk there. I would not want to be sitting eating and waiting to have a talk.

 

 

You suggested something, and he gave you a choice. You decided to throw him a 'do whatever'.

 

 

I think you have a lot of poor communication.

[JuneL]

I think that you should follow up with your Saturday plan. Say something like “Hey how about we go out to do something or have dinner on Sat...it’s supposed to be a date night for us ”

[JuneL]

Your poor communication lies in the fact that you said 'we could...' wich is a suggestion. To wich he made the suggestion to either do that or him eat first and then come. You chose to see that as a negative thing.

 

 

If I was getting back together with my ex, I would not want to go eat outside and not be able to have a talk there. I would not want to be sitting eating and waiting to have a talk.

 

 

You suggested something, and he gave you a choice. You decided to throw him a 'do whatever'.

 

 

I think you have a lot of poor communication.

 

I see it as his way of getting around her wanting to go on dates.

[stillafool]

I see it as his way of getting around her wanting to go on dates.

 

Well is she sees it the same way she should break up with him and start seeing someone who wants to take her out. It would probably be a good idea for her to tell the next guy she doesn't like to stay in if it's supposed to be a "date".

[JuneL]

I think that you should follow up with your Saturday plan. Say something like “Hey how about we go out to do something or have dinner on Sat...it’s supposed to be a date night for us ”

 

OP: Seriously, try this one last time. Be a bit playful but very explicit. See if he’s going to skirt around taking you out on dates again, then you’ll have your answer.

[kathsil]

I see it as his way of getting around her wanting to go on dates.

 

Me too. That’s why I don’t think this is poor communication from me, is him pretending he didn’t understand and taking his way with it.

[kathsil]

Well is she sees it the same way she should break up with him and start seeing someone who wants to take her out. It would probably be a good idea for her to tell the next guy she doesn't like to stay in if it's supposed to be a "date".

 

The thing is, before we broke up I DID have that conversation with him. He already knows what I want and like, but is just not a match to what he wants so he ignores it.

 

I do like the whole netflix and chill stuff, don’t get me wrong. But not every single time we meet!

[kathsil]

OP: Seriously, try this one last time. Be a bit playful but very explicit. See if he’s going to skirt around taking you out on dates again, then you’ll have your answer.

 

Well I did that today actually. He called me and I asked him so what do you want to do Saturday, where do you want to go?

 

He responded saying we could go to the movies or go out for dinner, depending what time is the movie we wanna watch. To which I said that sounds lovely!

 

Now I wanna see if he’s really gonna go ahead with it or if he’s just gonna withdraw like he did in the past.