We got back together but I'm already unsure

[kathsil]

Personally I wouldn’t do that, as they had already discussed that during the breakup.

 

I would either ask him where and when we’re going to meet for dinner and movie on Sat, or:

 

When he pulls that passive aggressive crap and pretends like he’s not sure if you guys are going to netflix and chill at your place, say “Did we not plan to go out for dinner and movie?”

 

If he pulls that passive aggressive crap, for me is simply over. I'm really at my limit with this guy.

[kathsil]

I have been thinking about all this stuff and just had a click by re-reading all the messages we exchanged. I know now what he was doing. Basically I was played.

 

He went to work on his motorbike, and when he asked "do you want to meet at yours or meet elsewhere" he wanted to know if I was going to allow him to come to my house or not that night, so he knows if he meets me elsewhere in his bike from work (in case I say meet elsewhere), or if he has to go home to pick up his work clothes and his car to come and stay at mine.

 

So when I said "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat", all he wanted to know was the first part, the "meet at mine". That's why he completely overlooked the rest. He wanted sex basically and ignored the rest.

 

That's why he then said "we can have something to eat together or I'll go get my car and can have something to eat myself and then go to yours".

 

And when I said "do as you prefer", of course he chose the one that was best for him, ignoring what I said I wanted.

 

Also, he never at ANY point told me he was going home to get his clothes to spend the night at mine, or asked me if he could stay.

 

He went home and put his clothes and toiletries in his car and drove to mine.

 

He came here to mine without any of those clothes and stuff that stayed in the car the whole time.

 

After a while when he was here, we ended up in the bedroom and had sex. At some point afterwards he asked me if he can stay the night and I said yes.

 

He then said he was going to the car to get his clothes and his stuff...

 

So he had an end goal from the very start, and played it all.

 

This is manipulative and very very twisted. Now I see the whole enchilada and how I was played. You can say is too much to call him abusive, but he is toxic at the very least.

Edited May 2, 2019 by kathsil

[basil67]

So I should accept a guy who only wants to hang around at MY house ALL the times we are together, never plans dates, never wants to go anywhere, so I'm not high maintenance? That's just ridiculous. I'm not high maintenance, I like to be treated properly which is a big difference.

 

Not one of us has suggested you should accept it. The advice given to you has ranged between better boundaries to better communication to a complete mismatch and dump him.

 

However, if you weren't high maintenance, you wouldn't have that track record of being dumped in always the same way.

[kathsil]

Actually, my track record is me dumping them...

 

And usually was because I used to accept crumbs and crap and getting fed up of it.

 

I am not high maintenance at all, quite the opposite. I am learning to have boundaries and say out loud what I want. I just want normal stuff. If I was high maintenance I would be with other type of men, not selfish lazy ass ones.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[JuneL]

Actually, my track record is me dumping them...

 

And usually was because I used to accept crumbs and crap and getting fed up of it.

 

I am not high maintenance at all, quite the opposite. I am learning to have boundaries and say out loud what I want. I just want normal stuff. If I was high maintenance I would be with other type of men, not selfish lazy ass ones.

 

But you did mention that people say you always have to be in a certain exact way.

[basil67]

Actually, my track record is me dumping them...

 

And usually was because I used to accept crumbs and crap and getting fed up of it.

 

I am not high maintenance at all, quite the opposite. I am learning to have boundaries and say out loud what I want. I just want normal stuff. If I was high maintenance I would be with other type of men, not selfish lazy ass ones.

 

Ok, you're dumping them. My mistake.

 

However, you said "I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that". This screams that others see you as high maintenance.

 

You aren't going to be able to sustain a relationship until your behaviour changes in a way so that people stop seeing you this way.

[kathsil]

The "people that see me that way" are all the same guy with a different face and name: selfish, lazy ass dudes who want an enabler that allows them to reap all the benefits without doing much.

 

And when I stand up for myself and put boundaries, they revert back at me saying I am high maintenance and demanding and etc.

 

I need to put an end to this pattern of dating this type of guys and find someone totally different. So I don't care that THAT type of guys see me that way.

 

The right guy will see me very differently as I stand up for myself.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[kathsil]

But you did mention that people say you always have to be in a certain exact way.

 

Yes, the lazy ass dudes who don't want to do much.

[JuneL]

The "people that see me that way" are all the same guy with a different face and name: selfish, lazy ass dudes who want an enabler that allows them to reap all the benefits without doing much.

 

And when I stand up for myself and put boundaries, they revert back at me saying I am high maintenance and demanding and etc.

 

I need to put an end to this pattern of dating this type of guys and find someone totally different. So I don't care that THAT type of guys see me that way.

 

The right guy will see me very differently as I stand up for myself.

 

Assuming your theory is correct, what’re you doing that have attracted these guys to you?

[kathsil]

Well first of all these guys are just like my dad used to be. Lazy, selfish, only giving attention to my mom when he wanted something, otherwise ignoring her, etc. I grew up watching this behaviour.

 

NOW I am aware of this. But for many years I wasn't and kept attracting the same type of guys and didn't know why, because I wanted totally the opposite: a caring, open, genuine and available guy.

 

Now I know that the type of guy I want is my truth, the type of guy I have been attracting (and accepting) is my old pattern.

 

Now that I am aware of it I can change and date more consciously. Also taking my time to know the guys instead of jumping fast into things, and learning to say what I want from the very start.

 

I know that these guys want enablers, so saying out loud what I want from the start is a good way to push them away because they can't stand it, whilst a normal guy will love it.

 

So, that's it basically.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Twizzlestick]

I am definitely not gonna sit in silence.

 

Listen, the way we broke up was with me telling him openly what I want: to go out on dates, dinner out, visit places, plan fun stuff, explore the world, etc. I told him I do not want to only hang out at my house every single time.

 

I communicated everything clearly and with my boundaries.

 

The result? He broke up days later saying I deserve a man who is there for me 100% and is not him.

 

Now he contacted me wanted to come back together. He already knows how I am and what I want. And again, he's reverting back to his manners.

 

So, to me now my intention was to see how he acts and how he plans and what he does.

 

And I want to see how it goes this Saturday.

 

If he doesn't step up, I don't want to have any conversation. The conversations have happened already. It will just be over because I'm fed up.

 

“Listen”?! Gee only trying to help calm down to a panic

 

Ok, just dump him after the date then. As can’t see it panning out. Never know he might be relieved himself. I would be

[DKT3]

Hey there is nothing wrong with being high maintenance and a tad needy....with the right guy.

 

If I'm being honest, after reading all your posts now, this guy isnt really in to you. When I was young we used to call them "around the way girls " that is a woman you date but only at her place. In other words you didn't want people to know you were involved with her. To me that appears to be the case here with him.

 

You seem to be a bright young lady, but if a guy only wants to hang out with you at your place he doesn't value you past what's going on at your place.

 

What's the plan for the Saturday date? If you say Netflix and chill I'm going to throw my phone. S10 is available now, means S9 is out dated anyway.

[kathsil]

Yes he only wants to date me at mine. And he fake plans the future as in saying we’re gonna go here and do that, but never plans anything. Is always at mine.

 

There are no plans for Saturday night. No it won’t be netflix and chill.

 

I’m at the point where if he doesn’t plan something properly, I’m over and out.

 

He said cinema or dinner would be lovely, and said NOTHING else. I’m curious to be honest to see what he’ll do.

 

I’m already with one foot out. I don’t think he’s into anyone but himself.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[JuneL]

Hey there is nothing wrong with being high maintenance and a tad needy....with the right guy.

 

If I'm being honest, after reading all your posts now, this guy isnt really in to you. When I was young we used to call them "around the way girls " that is a woman you date but only at her place. In other words you didn't want people to know you were involved with her. To me that appears to be the case here with him.

 

You seem to be a bright young lady, but if a guy only wants to hang out with you at your place he doesn't value you past what's going on at your place.

 

What's the plan for the Saturday date? If you say Netflix and chill I'm going to throw my phone. S10 is available now, means S9 is out dated anyway.

 

Insightful post. This sums up everything in the thread!

 

p.s. I agree that being just a tiny bit needy (or controlling or whatever) can be endearing if the person is really into you

[snowcones]

People are splitting hairs. The way I see it, you have an expectation of how a man will treat you, which is not wrong at it, it's just what you need. You have communicated some things but it's clear, based on past and current actions, that you will have to hold his hand at every turn, and even then, he still will not be the man you need him to be. It's just a case of incompatibility (I wouldn't call it abuse either) and you won't get anywhere with him. I think you have no choice but to breakup with him and move on.

[kathsil]

I decided to tell him yesterday I don't wish to continue. I'm not feeling it anymore, and I want another type of partner.

 

I don't want to go down the rabbit hole again with him. I know many of you think me saying he's abusive is too much, but that's how I feel he is.

 

End of story and thank you so much for all your help!

 

I want to be some time on my own now and work on my own stuff so I stop the pattern of getting involved with this kind of dudes and start attracting other type of men.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[TooBad]

Sounds like a very wise plan.

[JuneL]

Too bad, OP, that you didn’t wait until Saturday. I was very curious to see how he’s gonna pull that passive aggressive crap this time

[kathsil]

Do you want his number so you can ask him?

 

I'm not anymore. I've had enough of this crap and want peace.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[DKT3]

Its important for you to identify how you contributed to the relationship dynamics.

 

From what you wrote here, the guy was not really into you. Yet your writing also offered proof of areas that you need to improve or eliminate if your looking for a healthy balanced relationship.

 

Good luck

[JuneL]

Its important for you to identify how you contributed to the relationship dynamics.

 

From what you wrote here, the guy was not really into you. Yet your writing also offered proof of areas that you need to improve or eliminate if your looking for a healthy balanced relationship.

 

Good luck

 

^^^ I think that’s the takeaway. As much as I don’t like the guy, I think it’s important to realize you're the common denominator in your relationships.

Edited May 3, 2019 by JuneL

[snowcones]

Its important for you to identify how you contributed to the relationship dynamics.

 

From what you wrote here, the guy was not really into you. Yet your writing also offered proof of areas that you need to improve or eliminate if your looking for a healthy balanced relationship.

 

Good luck

 

^^^ I think that’s the takeaway. As much as I don’t like the guy, I think it’s important to realize you're the common denominator in your relationships.

 

 

What should she do differently?

[JuneL]

What should she do differently?

 

It’s all in the thread

[kathsil]

^^^ I think that’s the takeaway. As much as I don’t like the guy, I think it’s important to realize you're the common denominator in your relationships.

 

Apart from all the rest, one thing this guy and other similar guys have in common is me:

 

- Jumping too deep too fast without really knowing them

- Ignoring red flags from even the first date

 

This guy for example said ‘I love you’ to me after the first date! I found it very creepy but he just said he ‘knew’ I was the one.

 

All of them wanted to move the relationship too fast and I let it because I thought it was ‘romantic’, so only later when shyt hits the fan is where I started putting boundaries, after having allowed a lot already.

 

I need to take things slow and realize this kind of guys that do these things too much too soon is because they are selfish and manipulative and have an end goal in mind which is not romantic at all.

 

I need to realize that and protect myself, going at my pace and not at theirs.

[BluEyeL]

I know many of you think me saying he's abusive is too much, but that's how I feel he is..

 

Although his behavior may not be clear cut abusive right now, I agree with you in the sense that it does raise red flags for potential future abuse.

 

Not caring about what you want, or what you think, or what your schedule is points to a chance that this man would become at least emotionally and verbally abusive in a long term relationship.