We got back together but I'm already unsure

[BluEyeL]

Apart from all the rest, one thing this guy and other similar guys have in common is me:

 

- Jumping too deep too fast without really knowing them

- Ignoring red flags from even the first date

 

This guy for example said ‘I love you’ to me after the first date! I found it very creepy but he just said he ‘knew’ I was the one.

 

All of them wanted to move the relationship too fast and I let it because I thought it was ‘romantic’, so only later when shyt hits the fan is where I started putting boundaries, after having allowed a lot already.

 

I need to take things slow and realize this kind of guys that do these things too much too soon is because they are selfish and manipulative and have an end goal in mind which is not romantic at all.

 

I need to realize that and protect myself, going at my pace and not at theirs.

Oh the I love you immediately and moving fast are huge red flags. Now you know not to ignore them. If you see them, run immediately.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dated a guy like him for 6 or so months. Exactly the same scenario, always at mine or his place, never wanted to take me out. When I specifically requested going to dinner, he picked the restaurant at the bottom of my apartment building, the fastest way to go back mine and for him to get sex. I remember once pushing him into going to the beach. We went there and he literally didn't say a word then after 30 minutes he said that he wants us to go back to his place.

 

 

 

Men know that women love to be taken out. They pretend that they are confused but really, they are playing us for easy sex.

 

 

The worst part is that after seeing on a social media that he has a new gf, they are constantly out doing things. So he has always known what he needs to do, he just didn't want to put in an effort for me.

[snowcones]

It’s all in the thread

 

 

I'm sorry, I don't get it. I need it spelled out for me please, by you or DKT or anyone else who sees that.

[DKT3]

When someone grows up in an environment where gray is normal they cant see black and white.

 

OP is self absorbed, entitled and needy. Those are negative things when dealing with others. She is also a poor communicator who uses revisionist history. Ala, changing her story to fit her current narrative.

 

All said, these are all qualities that suggest someone who doesn't accept responsibility for their actions, instead tending to blame others for any and all misfortunes with absolutely no accountability for how they got themselves into bad situations.

 

People like that tend to repeat patterns over and over again, in all aspects of their lives.

[snowcones]

When someone grows up in an environment where gray is normal they cant see black and white.

 

OP is self absorbed, entitled and needy. Those are negative things when dealing with others. She is also a poor communicator who uses revisionist history. Ala, changing her story to fit her current narrative.

 

All said, these are all qualities that suggest someone who doesn't accept responsibility for their actions, instead tending to blame others for any and all misfortunes with absolutely no accountability for how they got themselves into bad situations.

 

People like that tend to repeat patterns over and over again, in all aspects of their lives.

 

 

Hmmm, okay. I think you're reading a whole lot more into this than what I saw. The only major misstep I saw her make is to label the guys behavior as abusive (and stubbornly stick to it). If you don't think booty calls exist or that guys don't get lazy, then you should try being a woman sometime.

 

 

PS - she was unhappy so she broke up with the guy, she didn't stay with him and cheat on him.

[DKT3]

His behavior is completely separate from hers. As I stated, if you can identify with her behavior as ok then you wont understand why/how it contributes to a toxic relationship.

 

Haha, I'm a older man who has been around. I told OP somewhere back in this thread he was only interested in her for the activities in her home. I know all about what your talking about.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two mature committed healthy adults to maintain a relationship, some of that is lacking here, on both sides. If she refuses to recognize her part she will continue to have unhealthy relationships. As she has pointed out, she believes it's all about the guys she is selecting, however she is the common denominator, not the guys.

[snowcones]

She broke up with him and said she wanted to take time to work on herself. What more do you want? I assume she means how she ended up in this situation.

 

 

Oh and by the way, that lazy thing can happen inside of a deeply committed relationship or marriage too. Even when the guy loves you. Sometimes guys just get lazy...and that battle doesn't stop until you die.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[kathsil]

I dated a guy like him for 6 or so months. Exactly the same scenario, always at mine or his place, never wanted to take me out. When I specifically requested going to dinner, he picked the restaurant at the bottom of my apartment building, the fastest way to go back mine and for him to get sex. I remember once pushing him into going to the beach. We went there and he literally didn't say a word then after 30 minutes he said that he wants us to go back to his place.

 

 

 

Men know that women love to be taken out. They pretend that they are confused but really, they are playing us for easy sex.

 

 

The worst part is that after seeing on a social media that he has a new gf, they are constantly out doing things. So he has always known what he needs to do, he just didn't want to put in an effort for me.

 

My guess is they haven't had sex yet and the going out will stop as soon as they do.

 

Mine took me out a lot too on the first month before having sex, then it all stopped.

 

I agree, they do know what to do.

[kathsil]

When someone grows up in an environment where gray is normal they cant see black and white.

 

OP is self absorbed, entitled and needy. Those are negative things when dealing with others. She is also a poor communicator who uses revisionist history. Ala, changing her story to fit her current narrative.

 

All said, these are all qualities that suggest someone who doesn't accept responsibility for their actions, instead tending to blame others for any and all misfortunes with absolutely no accountability for how they got themselves into bad situations.

 

People like that tend to repeat patterns over and over again, in all aspects of their lives.

 

You're not right about me.

 

I used to have poor self-esteem, accept anything, any crumbs from guys. That's why I attracted lazy ass dudes who don't give much.

 

Now I have worked a lot on my self-love and self-esteem and I know what I want. This is NOT being entitled and self-absorbed. It's loving myself and not accept shyt anymore.

 

This guy is so lazy and selfish that when I say out loud what I want, I come across as entitled and needy and self-absorbed when in reality I just want normal things!

 

Is wanting to go out for dinner being entitled, needy and self-absorbed? I think not.

 

It's normal stuff and with a normal guy, it will be just that: normal.

[kathsil]

Hmmm, okay. I think you're reading a whole lot more into this than what I saw. The only major misstep I saw her make is to label the guys behavior as abusive (and stubbornly stick to it). If you don't think booty calls exist or that guys don't get lazy, then you should try being a woman sometime.

 

 

PS - she was unhappy so she broke up with the guy, she didn't stay with him and cheat on him.

 

Agree. That's why I said maybe is not abusive later on, just lazy.

[kathsil]

His behavior is completely separate from hers. As I stated, if you can identify with her behavior as ok then you wont understand why/how it contributes to a toxic relationship.

 

Haha, I'm a older man who has been around. I told OP somewhere back in this thread he was only interested in her for the activities in her home. I know all about what your talking about.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two mature committed healthy adults to maintain a relationship, some of that is lacking here, on both sides. If she refuses to recognize her part she will continue to have unhealthy relationships. As she has pointed out, she believes it's all about the guys she is selecting, however she is the common denominator, not the guys.

 

Yes I agree, he only wanted activities in the house, as in "the bedroom".

 

When I said I believe "it's all about the guys I am selecting", I am being responsible for it.

 

It's ME who chooses to accept them! I do recognize my part, and I have said before I know where this comes from.

 

My dad used to be this selfish lazy type and I watched him treating my mom like this for many years (until she divorced him).

 

So unconsciously I tend to attract and accept this kind of guys because it's my "familiar" pattern.

 

I have to shift the focus to what I truly want, which is VERY different from this type of guys.

 

This means coming out of what's "familiar" and it's a work in progress. That's why I want to be on my own for a while to address this and take it very slowwwww when I start dating again.

[kathsil]

She broke up with him and said she wanted to take time to work on herself. What more do you want? I assume she means how she ended up in this situation.

 

 

Oh and by the way, that lazy thing can happen inside of a deeply committed relationship or marriage too. Even when the guy loves you. Sometimes guys just get lazy...and that battle doesn't stop until you die.

 

Yes agree. But when it happens after a month of dating, that's our clue to run.

[kathsil]

In regards to attachment styles, I have an anxious attachment style, and this guy (and others from my past) have an avoidant attachment style.

 

Them being avoidant (funny this last guy even said that of myself once as in "I avoid dealing with stuff"), makes my anxiety going up the roof, and so the pattern continues.

 

What I truly want is a guy with a secure attachment style. A normal relationship.

 

So I am working on myself now in shifting into that secure attachment style, so I can also be attracted and accept different guys.

[Twizzlestick]

.

 

So I am working on myself now in shifting into that secure attachment style, so I can also be attracted and accept different guys.

 

I’m glad you found resolve OP with your situation. Sounds for the best for you both.

 

Good work doing self appraisal. Just a point re above.

 

As well as you being attracted to the right guys and hoping that affects your own behaviours and interaction style in return, always worth considering how you attract what you want in an individual.

 

Self assessment and improving after breakups can be bitter pills we all swallow. Some go half way say “I need to work on xyz” then get halfway and project it as actually to do with the people they were with. Nestled at the core is a lack of desire to truly face their own self critique. In flight training we call this response the “SARAH” model. Stands for shock, anger, resentment, acceptance, help (ask for). It’s the stages humans typically go through when faced with areas of improvement. Aim is to get to the H. I’ve done this after a breakup and I’ll be the first to say I’ve ebbed in and out of being effective with this! It’s challenging, but worthwhile.

 

A truly effective change would be to accept ownership that these things come from within us.

 

We’re individuals and it’s not finding the right person to serve us, more us being attractive people too, offer good things to our desired kind of partner. That way we stand a good chance of attracting what we also consider right people. It comes from the “treat others as we expected to be treated” type ethos.

 

So totally you have recognised good stuff with the right kind of partner for you, but also worth always having in mind what you as a person can offer the other person and worth on your own behaviours that have let yourself down. It keeps humility within us and also sets the stage for a truly mutually respective partnership.

 

So glad you got resolve and nice one on the self work, keep it up. A lot of folk in life never bother to do it. Humility, self responsibly and open ness to change are incredibly attractive to mature minded folk. Whereas the opposites are true. You’ll reap the rewards with the right approach.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 4, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[elaine567]

A man like this will have tested your boundaries multiple times in the course of getting to know you.

He then knew you would put up with sex on his terms, him mooching around your apartment and no real dates or nights/days out.

He found someone who suited his way of life, which was great for him...

[kathsil]

So totally you have recognised good stuff with the right kind of partner for you, but also worth always having in mind what you as a person can offer the other person and worth on your own behaviours that have let yourself down. It keeps humility within us and also sets the stage for a truly mutually respective partnership.

 

So glad you got resolve and nice one on the self work, keep it up. A lot of folk in life never bother to do it. Humility, self responsibly and open ness to change are incredibly attractive to mature minded folk. Whereas the opposites are true. You’ll reap the rewards with the right approach.

 

That’s exactly what I meant. I want to move from an anxious attachment style to a secure attachment style for myself first. And so as a consequence I’ll stop attracting avoidant attachment style people and accepting them and start attracting and feeling attracted to a secure attachment style partner.

 

Because the anxious-avoidant partnership has been my experience. And I want to become secure in myself first so I mirror that on the outside too.

 

I have a LOT to give in a relationship, and that’s the problem. I give too much to the lazy avoidant types and they are just... lazy. but I need to move into the secure attachment and find a balanced partnership with a secure guy where there is balance.

 

This is a work in progress and releasing layers of patterns. I’m on the Help part of what you mentioned and am going to start working with a relationship coach/therapist soon to help me do the shift I need.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[kathsil]

A man like this will have tested your boundaries multiple times in the course of getting to know you.

He then knew you would put up with sex on his terms, him mooching around your apartment and no real dates or nights/days out.

He found someone who suited his way of life, which was great for him...

 

Exactly, you hit the nail on the head.

 

Until I said enough and decided I grew out of this dynamic and don’t want it anymore.

 

When i broke up with him now I told him that precisely: I’m fed up of being with someone who I have to put boundaries all the time and they don’t respect them and are always trying to cross them. It’s exhausting and not what I want, so wish you well and goodbye.

[elaine567]

Too many spend their lives trying to change men like this, there is no point they carry on regardless.

They have no intention of changing for anyone and looking at it objectively, why should they?

They need a nice woman who is happy with Netflix and chill, does not want to go out a lot. She is happy with his lazy, laidback ways and she will not rock many boats.

Horses for courses.

Dating is about finding compatible people not just finding someone, anyone and then trying to change them into the person we truly want...

[kathsil]

I never wanted to change him. We just wanted different things and were clashing because of that.

 

I wish him well in finding that woman.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[kathsil]

I dated a guy like him for 6 or so months. Exactly the same scenario, always at mine or his place, never wanted to take me out. When I specifically requested going to dinner, he picked the restaurant at the bottom of my apartment building, the fastest way to go back mine and for him to get sex. I remember once pushing him into going to the beach. We went there and he literally didn't say a word then after 30 minutes he said that he wants us to go back to his place.

 

 

 

Men know that women love to be taken out. They pretend that they are confused but really, they are playing us for easy sex.

 

 

The worst part is that after seeing on a social media that he has a new gf, they are constantly out doing things. So he has always known what he needs to do, he just didn't want to put in an effort for me.

 

About the not saying a thing, one time I was fed up of staying at home all the time and I booked a stay in a nice hotel for us. We drove there, went to a restaurant for lunch and HE DIDN’t SAY A WORD the whole time!

 

I tried to make conversation and he was just yes-no, and wouldn’t continue the conversation until I gave up and we eat in silence with him looking at his plate the whole time.

 

I felt sooooo bad, especially when there were people on the tables around us talking and interacting normally. He made zero effort to connect with me.

 

After lunch we went for a walk and again, silence all the time.

 

By the time we got to the hotel that’s when he ‘woke up’, because he was having sex.

 

I have changed a lot with all this and now looking back, I would drop him like a hot potato now after that lunch.

[chillii]

Yeah , abusive is a bit ridiculous.

l also think you should tell him , no l'd rather go out for tea for awhile first, or whatever it is you feel like.

You can't say something once months ago and expect that to do it , or spin the crap that a guy should know.

You'e gotta speak up along the way too and at the time if needed. We all have to do that in a relationship .

Sure he's obviously not that interested in going out but that doesn't mean he won't for you though but you gotta speak up. Communication is everything.

[kathsil]

I don't think this was a case of non communication. It was a case of non compatibility.

 

I want to go out, explore the world, have fun, go to places, do stuff together, and of course, also netflix and chill sometimes.

 

He just wants to netflix and chill all the time.

 

All the communication in the world won't change this, because he will push for one thing and I'll push for the other.

 

I did speak up MANY TIMES, he just never cared because it was not what he wanted.

 

Better we each go separate ways and find more compatible partners.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[JuneL]

OP: Were your other lazy ex-boyfriends love bombing you at the beginning like this guy? If yes, paradoxically, your wanting to have a boyfriend who treats you like a lady might have led you to eat up their fake and over the top love bombing.

[kathsil]

That's a very good question and the answer is no.

 

I've never had any guy before lovebombing me or saying "I love you" very soon.

 

My past BF's were more the "giving you crumbs" right from the beginning. They were lazy and unavailable for much more than netflix and chill pretty fast.

 

That was my pattern. That's why when this last guy came along taking me out on nice dates, bringing flowers, etc, I thought "finally a guy who is different from the others before", and so I believed him and yes with him I did eat up their fake and over the top love bombing.

 

Actually, I have never heard before the term "lovebombing" until this guy. I searched it online and apparently is used by manipulators and covert narcissists.

 

The type of shy and sweet guy that goes to the moon and back for you and then stops, going from 100mph to 5.

 

There are 3 phases of this: idealization (the lovebombing), devaluation (when the other person puts boundaries and they don't like it), and the discard (the break-up). He did all three.

 

So now I know that too much too soon is not romantic, is a red flag.

 

That's why I need to take it slow on dating, because after all, I'm dealing with strangers.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[suetoppp]

From reading all this thread, I just want to add that unfortunately you found a guy who is basically a fuc*boy.

 

He pretended to be a real man (take you out on nice dates, bringing you flowers, etc) in the beginning in order to lure you in, as soon as he got what he wanted (sex and hanging around at yours) he showed his true colors: selfish fuc*boy behavior.

 

And now he was showing you again that fuc*boy behavior.

 

To be honest I don't think you have any problem communicating. How do you communicate with a fuc*boy? They DON'T CARE! They really don't give a rats ars* if you want to go out or do things together. They are in it for only one thing. And the "I love you" is to keep you going, just like the carrot in front of the donkey (sorry don't mean to offend you but you get what I mean).

 

They're selfish and self-centered. And they NEVER again act like a real man after they get what they want.

 

I'm happy that you got rid of that dead weight and that you're working on yourself so you do not be with a similar guy in the future.

 

If I can give you a piece of advice, GO SLOW! When starting to date someone, take your time to go on dates and get to know them. And pay attention to the red flags. Saying "I love you" after a first date is a HUGE red flag. At least a red flag that this guy does not live in the real world.

 

And please do not think you're high maintenance, or needy, or etc, like some people suggested here. You're NOT! You were simply with a fuc*boy who would never act like a real man.

 

A real man takes you on real dates and wants to spend quality time with you.

 

You dodged a bullet and should be happy.