starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) We live in a very expensive metro city and I have been ready to move for years now. Before we got married we talked about getting a house someday etc (which is not attainable in this area unless you have over a million for a little shack). I honestly really hate this city and what it has turned into since I grew up here I want to get out. We live in a very small apartment at the moment with cheap(compared to everything else here) rent and I am dying to move somewhere larger with more land and am feeling trapped. Every time I bring up moving out of state he gets angry or says yeah yeah we will do it someday when he has a better job here and then finds a job in that state (I say out of state because theres not really anywhere else in this state we want to live or can afford to buy a house in). When in someday though? I don't want to waste my time here I want a house. We are almost 40 and I am sad I have nothing to show for it. I'm kind of at the end of my rope here. Do people get divorced because of these things? Edited May 2, 2019 by starla33 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Keep talking. It's a marriage. You both have to compromise. Is he concerned about being able to get a job? Show him where he could work. Solve the problems he didn't know he had. Then talk more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Keep talking. It's a marriage. You both have to compromise. Is he concerned about being able to get a job? Show him where he could work. Solve the problems he didn't know he had. Then talk more. yes this has been his main excuse. But he also wants to be more established HERE in this city before looking a job elsewhere. To me thats just excuses. Hes also started up on how we don't need a house and can live without one permanently and that I'm just buying into a false dream wanting a house....... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Try logic Run the numbers . . . savings, earnings, quality of life etc. But then you may have to decide what means more to you leaving & getting a house vs. your marriage. I live in a HCOL area too. Property taxes are killing us & I want out. But DH keeps getting career advancement here so we stay. It took me almost 2 years of bringing the subject over & over to get him to nail down a retirement date. Now that I have that date when I know we can leave 13 years from now, I have backed off "demanding" we move. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Can you guys afford a move out of state and to buy a house there? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Why do you want a house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Can you guys afford a move out of state and to buy a house there? Yes definitely can afford a house anywhere outside of this current state we live in Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Try logic Run the numbers . . . savings, earnings, quality of life etc. But then you may have to decide what means more to you leaving & getting a house vs. your marriage. I live in a HCOL area too. Property taxes are killing us & I want out. But DH keeps getting career advancement here so we stay. It took me almost 2 years of bringing the subject over & over to get him to nail down a retirement date. Now that I have that date when I know we can leave 13 years from now, I have backed off "demanding" we move. I should add that we live in an apartment under some of my family members. Really not where I saw myself at almost 40 Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Why do you want a house? its just something I always wanted since I was a child. To have a place of my own Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 its just something I always wanted since I was a child. To have a place of my own If you never had one, just realize that a house is something that if you aren't handy and don't have connections in the trades, can be very costly and many people never consider this....They only see the manicured lawn and the white picket fence in the real estate commercials on TV... I am a handy guy and do just about everything myself, but quite frankly I am tired of it...It was a whole lot easier when in my 20's and 30's...Now? Not so much anymore..Everything is a pain in the ass...The thrill is gone.. I'm pretty sure you weighed these costs out...You wouldn't believe it, but I have known people that didn't even realize that you had to keep homeowners insurance and pay exorbitant property taxes when you own a home until I informed them...... Good luck TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I should add that we live in an apartment under some of my family members. Really not where I saw myself at almost 40 Wouldn't renting a house of your own in the same area be a workable near-term compromise? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Wouldn't renting a house of your own in the same area be a workable near-term compromise? Mr. Lucky No. That would be too expensive. Probably 3-4 thousand a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Probably 3-4 thousand a month. If home rents are that high, you must be paying substantial rent for an apartment. Also, I'd guess you're under-estimating the actual cost of owning a home... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I hear you! I've wanted to relocate for years to a warm climate having enough of the thrill of surviving the polar north. My goal was to do just that when my kids were raised and on their own. They are gone and I'm still here as I ran into an unexpected road block, my wife not wanting to for her reasons. We talked and talked and finally arrived at a compromise. We are not moving. <---------something went afoul in this compromise! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I don't blame you . There's just no place to live someplace high rent/tiny delapidated spaces like NY when there's about 47 other states you could live cheaper and have a nice yard and home. Your husband's excuse is just his way of telling you no. It makes no sense he wants to keep his career up where he is if he had any desire to move. He's not going to make the same these other places, but you won't need nearly as much. I wouldn't live in a tiny apartment in an overcrowed overrated town. He may be afraid of nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 What do you and your husband do for a living? Do both of your careers at their current stage "allow" for easy relocation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 What do you and your husband do for a living? Do both of your careers at their current stage "allow" for easy relocation? My job is remote so I can work from anywhere. His is not but i am sure he can find the job anywhere else with larger companies or small startup companies. I just don't get all the excuses. And no our rent is very cheap because we live under family. If we moved anywhere else in this town we would be paying triple Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 ... I just don't get all the excuses. They're reasons, not excuses, and following career goals is a very common and responsible reason for not moving. It comes off as impatient and disrespectful to call his reasons "excuses." It's something you want but he doesn't so what can you do to make it more appealing for him? The idea given above to find him a job or show him the career advantages is a great start. Maybe also look into whether you could support the whole household if you moved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I'm kind of at the end of my rope here. Do people get divorced because of these things? people get divorced over much lesser things. one word of advice, make sure you both have jobs set up before you move. trust me on this one, I learned the hard way Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 You mention living below family. Is it his family or yours? Perhaps he does not want to move away from family. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 You ask if people get divorced over stuff like this. Yes they do. Failure to share and realize common goals is a major cause of divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Perhaps you could explain to him that owning real estate is a road towards retirement. I've been playing with various real estate projects for 30 years (as a hobby), and was able to retire (early) last year. Repairing / refurbishing a home isn't that difficult. I'm self taught through trial and error. I sure wish there was "youtube" when I first started doing home improvements. I learned the majority of my skills from reading books. I've ALWAYS made money on every real estate project I purchased and sold. Even during the collapse of 2008, I made a small profit on an obscure home I had been working on. The trick is to not take on too much debt and pay off the mortgage within 7-15 years. Try to save up enough money to avoid PMI, as well. In my opinion, owning a home is a WIN-WIN-WIN!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Unless you are some kind of investment mogul with a lot of money, real estate is not the great investment it once was. A house is not a home. Would your husband consider moving to a larger apartment somewhere on the outskirts of the city but still close enough for him to get to work? Maybe you just need a new apartment and one that is away from the family. If you're feeling cramped and smothered because the family is around too much, you don't need to buy a house to solve it. Edited May 3, 2019 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 l do know how you must be feeling op , went through it myself back in my 30s with ex w. lt was insane having to explain and justify wth l just wanted a house of my own. And then add living under family , who could blame ya. He reminds my of the way my ex use to act about it . Worst thing was we'd be millionaires if we did at the time what l not only wanted so bad just for us, but what l also knew at the time too , we just had to do. That ship sailed that's for sure, damn it. ironically , he'd probably actually be doing better for his career and income by moving, and then there's quality of life and you being happy. l don't live over there but we have expensive states here too and unless you got in there young back when , ya won't have much hope because they just keep gobbling up every penny faster than you can earn it or make better money anyway. Feel for ya , sorry l don't know what will bring him round though, been there tried that, 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 So basically now told me he will never move out of state. Kind of at a loss what to do now as that was always my plan since I want a better quality of life and unless I'm a millionaire I will never afford that here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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