Difficulty coping

[Cornputer]

Thanks for tuning in.

 

I am a middle child. I'm 20 and recently moved back in with my parents (lived alone for a over a year) because mum was diagnosed with cancer and is currently receiving chemotherapy. I want to help her and be there for her as much as I can.

 

I love my family but I don't have a special bond with them. I was badly neglected during my childhood and emotionally abused, mainly by mother, and even though I hold no anger, I am still disappointed and keep my boundaries strong.

 

Things got better when I moved out, we acted civil. Everything changed drastically when mum was diagnosed. She became nice to me, she talked to me, didn't look at me with disgust anymore and didn't ignore me when my other siblings were around. My parents and I started going to lunch together, dad invited me over when mum was feeling bad as my cheesecakes and pumpkin puree soup were always a go, I also helped keep the big house tidy and so on.

 

This is my 6th day back home and I am feeling very on edge. I love my little sister dearly but the combination of being 15 and having been spoiled all her life, she is very rude and disrespectful, except for when she needs something. This really hurts me as I love her a lot and I don't understand why she's so mean to me. Why would my own sister feel the need to put me down and then manipulate me is beyond me, something I don't even want to understand, on second thought.

 

Most of the time I sit upstairs in my old room again, listening to them having a nice family evening. That's how it always used to be. I never let my family enter my apartment as that was my "safe zone" where I promised to create no bad memories. My old room is full of them. This is where I went to cry, this is where I had horrendous panic attacks, the worst moments of my life (so far) were spent in this room. Whenever I visited I slept in the guest room instead of this one, but they asked me to stay here now, for a few months more.

 

I cracked for the first time tonight and cried again, all the bad memories come back and even though I want to help my mum, I did not expect to be treated as a chef or a cleaning lady of the house while they do absolutely nothing.

 

I'm not sure if I'm venting or what this is. I think I'm being dramatic, so many people do have it worse, that'll always be the case. But all this still hurts.

[d0nnivain]

Rearrange the room. Seriously. Throw out as many childhood things as you can & move the furniture around. Get a new bedspread. Do whatever you can to make it different.

 

Then you work on being different. You don't have to hostile but you can be direct. When your little sister acts like a spoiled brat, tell her that you will deal with her when she can be civil & not before. Then so just that.

 

Instead of hiding in your room, interject yourself into whatever they are doing or go out for a walk. Find local cheap hiding spots. I hid out at work during the 6 months in my mid 30s when I had to live with mom & dad again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why would my own sister feel the need to put me down and then manipulate me is beyond me, something I don't even want to understand, on second thought.

 

She only has the power you give her. I'm sure you understand, at your age you should be fairly immune to the manipulations of a 15-yr old. Ignore her and she'll get tired of the games.

 

You may have to consider whether this is a sustainably healthy environment for you. Living nearby would allow you plenty of family time while maintaining needed boundaries. You don't do your Mom any good if you fall apart trying to support her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I'm sorry you have had a mixed childhood, but happy things are a bit better now.

 

For your sister, I would get her alone in a room and I would sit down and with no laughing or jeering, I would get down on her level and look in her eyes and tell her she needs to cut the sibling rivalry and try to fuss over things that aren't important for the good of the family while they're going through a hard time. She's a hormonal teenager. Just have a serious non-teasing talk with her.

 

Make the room the new you. Get rid of some stuff and put it together how you would if it were your own apartment elsewhere. You'll change the energy of it that way. Good luck. Sorry you're having a hard time.

[alphamale]

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. you are only 20, you are a baby just starting your life. focus on how you can do better for yourself in the future. make sure you can get an education and a good job.

[Dandelioness]

It's important to take care of yourself first. So, maybe living outside the home and helping out when you visit is best for you. What you don't want to do is enable your other family members. Everyone needs to pitch in, right? As long as you're doing it all, they won't need to. It may be less to do with them being careless/spoiled and more to do with their own struggles of processing what is happening.

 

Your childhood sounds toxic. There's only a 5-year gap between you and your sister so if you were affected, so was (and is) she. She's a hormonal teen trying to figure out her world with an emotionally detached mum going through cancer treatment. That's a lot for a growing child.. and for you, as well.

 

Don't take on the burden to the point where you're suffocating as well. Just do 'your' part.