ZA Dater Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Honest question, when do you look at everything and decide you simply cannot get it to work, nobody you find attractive wants you and what does want you, you don't find attractive? I have reached mid 30's, never been kissed, never made out, never had more than 3 dates with the same person, never met a dates friends, never been on a holiday with a date. Pretty much all my dates have been interviews, coffees, dinners, lunches, none amounted to anything. I keep hoping for the day when someone I find attractive will find me attractive and actually give me some sort of indication she does. Reading books has just expanded on how complicated this all is, expanded on what most people learnt in high school but I for whatever reason did not or chose not to. Sitting at a café eating lunch on my own today I was struck by a few attractive people but I don't let myself dream because why would they be interested in me, what could extremely flawed inexperienced me offer them and by the time I have gone through that I pretty much know what the answer is: nothing. I guess I'd like to believe I could attract someone I want but absolutely nothing has suggested I actually can. How much of this inability is in my head, how much of it is no confidence at all I don't know but I CANNOT do all the work here, there has to be something from the other person. Went on two waste of time dates recently and I was never really in the game from the start, neither interested me so I basically didn't bother putting in any effort and just wrote them off as much like every other date, seemingly I CANNOT get dates with people I want. How do I get to the level or it not even possible at all? Basically I need to decide if I keep any focus at all on dating or simply call it a day and direct focus elsewhere. People all say "oh I'll find someone for you but the reality is this is feign feel good language". I cant really blame the world for this because other people can date I suppose, how many start at 35 is a mute point and what their success rate is I don't know but I'd wager its very low. The problem is I am not fun, people wont want to spend time with me because of that, I have never done fun things, I am not the life of any room unless current affairs, business or politics are involved and I just look at this friend of mine, he has lots of girl "friends" and its because he is fun, he goes out, he goes to festivals. So in part my lack of success is really a function of me as a person. I meet some of these people and have nothing in common with them. Fundamentally I am paying a heavy price for having no social life I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 the common thread here is YOU. you are doing or not doing something that is turning people off. find out what it is then work on fixing it 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 ZA Dater you have many 'cognitive distortions' that are holding you back. See a therapist or read some self help. You're problem is your lousy self esteem and the way you're looking at life. You need help changing your mindset. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 ZA whatever the point might be where a person oughta consider giving up, you are way past it. Step back from the whole dating thing and just live your life. You just might find that things start working out when you aren't actively looking for it. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you can revisit some of the great ideas presented to you over the years and they'll actually start to make some sense to you to the point that you'll actually try to implement them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Can you be attracted to someone who thinks like you, regardless of how the look? At 35, looks aren't going to be the important thing for too much longer anyhow. But personality will remain. Maybe try some women in business or econ majors? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Water seeks its own level... Lower your standards. Maybe an older woman with a few more miles on the odometer, or a larger woman who is more forgiving of your issues and will overlook your shortcomings and social inadequacies. From your opening statement, it appears you are still a virgin. In the end, there is no magic vagina, when the lights are off they are all pretty much the same. At 35, the time to be picky is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Water seeks its own level... Lower your standards. Maybe an older woman with a few more miles on the odometer, or a larger woman who is more forgiving of your issues and will overlook your shortcomings and social inadequacies. From your opening statement, it appears you are still a virgin. In the end, there is no magic vagina, when the lights are off they are all pretty much the same. At 35, the time to be picky is over. Older and larger does not interest me, the majority of the dates I have been on were with larger people. No physical attraction to them at all. Older bring issues like kids so that's a no go too Getting to the point where if that's my choice then yes I'd rather have nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 the common thread here is YOU. you are doing or not doing something that is turning people off. find out what it is then work on fixing it Well I sort of did actually, for once I did get some sort of feedback and yeah it's my inexperience which she found very off putting. She said I did not seem so interested and this time I actually was bit I guess I learnt from this the guy must put in all the effort and get ready to be rejected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 ZA whatever the point might be where a person oughta consider giving up, you are way past it. Step back from the whole dating thing and just live your life. You just might find that things start working out when you aren't actively looking for it. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you can revisit some of the great ideas presented to you over the years and they'll actually start to make some sense to you to the point that you'll actually try to implement them. All of those suggestions rely on the fact I am able to find mutual attraction which I cannot seem to find. Is it really too much to ask go be liked by someone I like... case in point this horse riding instructor, I do sort of like her but "I'll help you, try set you up with someone nice" yeh right... Link to post Share on other sites
Morello Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) It's like a cycle. You think you're not good enough. You give out this 'not good enough' vibe. People react to it by friendzoning or rejecting you. You get confirmation that you're not good enough and the cycle repeats. The only way to change is try to change your mindset. Something like fake it til you make it. Start acting like you can have all the girls you want. Walk like it, think like it. It won't change your world straight away but can be helpful if you keep doing it. It's amazing what confidence (or the other's perception of your confidence) can do. You can have the best looking people, if they're not confident, they give off weird vibes and no one wants them. The opposite happens with unnatractive people who are just confident and comfortable in their own skin. I have proof of my own of the difference it makes when I'm confident when going out. It can do wonders. I ended up with women much above my 'league' (to speak a simple language). The opposite also happened, going out when I was not feeling good or happy with myself, I wouldn't attract the worst looking girl in the bunch. It's like I was a people (especially women) repellent. I think that, at 35, you need to start accepting your shortcomings a bit more. We all have our limitations but the secret lies in being ok and 'happy' about them. Your imperfections also make you unique. Once you start accepting who you are, you'll start being happier and it will translate into better dating experiences. I can guarantee you that. Edited May 3, 2019 by Morello 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Ohhhhh , no no no , even when the lights are off no way they're the same there's all kinds out there and l like my kind haha. Ahh, where was l Za , so your basically saying your a pretty quiet and to most peoples ideals , boring guy. Mate , l still think then you must be looking in all the wrong places because there are millions of very quiet and boring women out there, and you know what, that's fine , because there's someone for everyone no matter who we are. So l think whoever said go and enjoy life and do things you like doing , is on the right track because if she's there and doing the same things then that means there's a good chance your very similar right there anddd, you never know. And yeah , relax for awhile, things happen when we stop caring and just do what we wanna do for once. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Mate , l still think then you must be looking in all the wrong places because there are millions of very quiet and boring women out there... He doesn't want one of those, he wants a chatty, bubbly extrovert who is pretty good looking. He wants to feed off her confidence, so he is more acceptable to the general crowd. He wants people to notice her and he wants her to elevate him from the status of boring, shy guy in the corner, to the popular fun person he wants to be. He is mixing in "better" circles, he doesn't want to show up with Miss Plain Jane, he wants to show up with Miss Pizzazz. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 He doesn't want one of those, he wants a chatty, bubbly extrovert who is pretty good looking. He wants to feed off her confidence, so he is more acceptable to the general crowd. He wants people to notice her and he wants her to elevate him from the status of boring, shy guy in the corner, to the popular fun person he wants to be. He is mixing in "better" circles, he doesn't want to show up with Miss Plain Jane, he wants to show up with Miss Pizzazz. All of which is true barring the highlighted portion. I don't really care much for the general crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 So I think you've identified your issue. The question now is - how are you going to fix it. Many seem to be suggesting compromise. You seem to be stating you'd rather go without. Possibly, unfortunately, that is your answer at least in the short term. You may have to wait for the fairly rare unicorn girl who is attractive and a social butterfly but who actually wants a "wallflower" guy. There are probably at least a few out there, but they sound few and far between. I would say keep trying and there is certainly a chance, but you may have to continue to wait a long time. If it was me, I'd keep trying though. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 In all of your threads, you and your resistance towards self-improvement are the common denominators. People give you great advice and you either argue with them or develop some excuse for why your woes will never end. Either way, you are not looking for solutions; you are looking for people/situations to blame for your unhappiness in the dating world. You have one of two choices; be proactive and address what is causing your current station in life or, yes, just throw in the towel when it comes to dating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Here is some of my long thoughts on throwing in the towel for Dating. I think its very futile to keep asking out a lot of women. They are only really going to go out with you if there is some sort of physical attraction. its like colors or music that appeals to a person. For example. I love Led Zeppelin. There is a newer band called Rival Sons that emulate that style of music. So I am into them. I am not into JZ so Nipsy Hussle I don't groove with. Even though society sees me as a Black man and thats the type of music I should be listening to, instead of 70's flavoured Rock and Roll. Life is nebulous. Its in constant change. I think some of us have higher expectations than our reality allows us to handle. I don't think I am doing anything wrong with women. I don't know any current male friend of mind that has a lot of women to juggle. Seems like women are more warmer when they grow older, than the younger ones personality wise. The best type of woman that has the warmth and beauty is over 30, if they keep their health and beauty regiment up. All my male friends that have women that are into them and are married/attached. Its the women that were more into them. They did not do any major playing around or were playboys. A lot of them were still at home. Only 2 had their own homes. Its tiring to see here or on other parts of the net that Men who are single are doing something wrong. What is the right or wrong way to do things when it comes to relationships. Even when I look at myself. I get into that trapped thinking of what am I doing wrong. I don't think I am doing anything super wrong. The only time Romantic situations work out for me, is when I don't care and am not doing anything to make it happen. Those women personality wise are more in-synch with me, until it may fade away in time, as I may not be nurturing the relationship as much. My Last GF. DD. We are still friends. If I would have allowed us to have a child, we may still be together. I was not wanting Marriage and a child so fast in my life. So thats why we had to split. I guess when your younger. More people are single and childless. The older you get. The less it is so. Be you quiet or gregarious/extraverted. I don't think it matters as much. I think that a lot of us Lust more than love. For Men. We are bombarded with Female beauty a lot more than Woman are bombarded with Male Beauty. I was watching a show with Jane Fonda. The host said that at 80 she looks great. She even said she looks great herself. Her accomplishments as a producer and social activists was almost a side-note. Its sad that at the end of the day. Jane Fonda's beauty trumps any other thing in her life. There is so much emphasis on looks that I think that taking aside Parental/sibling relationships. Friendships is the authentic relationship over love/lust relationship. I wonder sometimes if we were all like the Superhero Daredevil. Who can get around, but has the sensory power, but not able to see. If love relationships would be better. My reasoning would be that its the personality of the couple would have to gel first and the looks would be secondary. Where in our mostly sighted world. Its Physical looks that trump over if the person is a good fit or not. I also wonder on a side not if blind love relationships have a low divorce rate. I think the key to being single is to not worry about when and how a love situation comes about. Its how to make it thrive when it happens. Thats both sides. My women friends to my view. They basically put themselves into the mans' field of vision. In other words. They made the move and it worked out for my women friends. I do think that its way more easier for a woman to get with a man romantically if they are the driving force. More than the man being the driving force towards the woman. Thats just my observation. Edited May 3, 2019 by Mysterio Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 In all of your threads, you and your resistance towards self-improvement are the common denominators. People give you great advice and you either argue with them or develop some excuse for why your woes will never end. Either way, you are not looking for solutions; you are looking for people/situations to blame for your unhappiness in the dating world. You have one of two choices; be proactive and address what is causing your current station in life or, yes, just throw in the towel when it comes to dating. I can be as proactive as I like the reality remains the same. Honestly my chance to change this was at 16 not 35. At least then everyone was on a similar level of experience so awkward wouldn't be the issue it is now. I have been doing all the self improvement but I get the same aweful matches as ever. Single mom's, unfit people, people I am not interested in. All it seems is women take great delight in rejecting men and then complain at players. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 I guess, as an observer, I would turn the question around to the OP and ask "At what point do you pull a finger out and work at being worthy of what you're seeking?". It seems like what you view as dating down is dating realistically. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 I guess, as an observer, I would turn the question around to the OP and ask "At what point do you pull a finger out and work at being worthy of what you're seeking?". It seems like what you view as dating down is dating realistically. By that logic moist people dating are dating people they don't really find attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I have been doing all the self improvement but I get the same aweful matches as ever. Single mom's, unfit people, people I am not interested in. All it seems is women take great delight in rejecting men and then complain at players. The hypocrisy is strong with you. You have always been very choosy about who you date. But you've always been down on women who are choosy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 By that logic moist people dating are dating people they don't really find attractive. No, they are dating people they deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 ...it seems is women take great delight in rejecting men and then complain at players. it seems you take great delight in rejecting women and then complain when the "hot" women don't want you. Not a huge difference. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I have been doing all the self improvement but I get the same aweful matches as ever. Single mom's, unfit people, people I am not interested in. All it seems is women take great delight in rejecting men and then complain at players. Again, you and your attitude are the common denominator. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 All it seems is women take great delight in rejecting men and then complain at players. I hope you realize that your opinion is rather skewed and there are lots of happy people in healthy relationships. You just don't happen to be one of them for reasons that may or may not be within your control. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 to the opening writer, your first question- well never give up anyway that is the main thing, You seem to have plenty of knowledge -current affairs and so on, you should be well able to hold a conversation then which is always a good starting point, the more intellectual type of women you may be more suited too, although most women Id say would rather speak to a knowledgeable guy than the opposite, perhaps drop your level in the looks department, the really good looking girls will always be harder, so you have to find a few first that "are not too hard pleased" in order to get yourself on the table as it were, there are also very many beautiful women who are easy to talk too, I am thinking Mexicans, Hungarians, Malaysians, but I am sure there are many more! and of course women can be beautiful of soul too, it is not always physical beauty, "every good man needs a good woman" Link to post Share on other sites
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