Rebellious teenage stepson moves in

[E35]

Hey all, this is my first post.....please give me some honest advice, because I'm lost as to what to do.....

 

I've been in a relationship with the same woman for the last three years. We are both divorced. Her 14-year old son wanted to come live with us, because his dad said living arrangements weren't working there ... he'd take his dads truck for a joyride, and even broke into a convenience store and stole close to $2000 worth of tobacco products. He admitted to doing it (as he was caught on video), and was given a diversion. So he moved to our house for a fresh start. A new beginning.

 

It hasn't been a fresh start ...

 

Besides sneaking out with his friends he's made here, he and one of his friends have stolen a person's car in town (and brought it back), stolen drugs, stole my car and drove back high in the car, etc. The state pressed charges on him (I didn't press charges for taking my car), and he went to juvi for three weeks. His court date came, and because of his poor choices his diversion was revoked, and he is now on house arrest and wearing an ankle monitor with some very strict guidelines.

 

His mom and I have very different parenting styles, and it's causing issues. His mom admits she doesn't know how to punish him when he's made a mistake. So there really isn't much punishment, as she and her son are "more like friends" (according to her) than a mother to her son. The car stealing has caused major trust issues on my part ..... with him. Admittedly, it's something I am trying to work on. When he came back from juvi, I extended my hand and told him he had a second chance at my house. That he had to make it want to work if it was going to. It's all on him. I feel his mom needs to do more tough love ..... step up and be more of a parent ...... rather than "just get him help". Take his phone. Serious consequences. They never come from her, and I can't make her do them. Tough situation being a step parent on the outside looking in.

 

Well......this happened next ...... the other night his mom and I went out for an anniversary supper. While we were gone, he went through my dresser drawers in my bedroom and found one of my unloaded pistols....he made a snap chat video of him pulling the trigger with the gun in his mouth talking about Russian roulette. He sent the video to a family friend, and she then alerted us. I should have had the gun locked away .... that's on me (it is locked away now). It has really rocked his mom, and she says "he's not wanting to kill himself, he's going to hurt himself by doing jokes like that".

 

It's been a rough time for me ..... stress levels are high, and I'm not a stressy person (I used to be but am in great mental health until now). I want to help this kid .... part of me being a school teacher wants to give him everything I've got......and not give up on him. His mom says "We can't give up on him no matter what". I feel he's wanting help ..... in a bad way and is doing this to get it. Where do you draw the line with a step son who continually does destructive things and ..... at this point .... has completely lost my trust. First the car, now this. Part of me wants to tell him he's not welcome in my house anymore. That would destroy his mom and I. But where do you draw the line with keeping trying to reach someone, not give up on him, and finally having enough of this? I am not mentally balanced after this, and I want to do good things, but I can't do that without good mental balance in me first. Part of me wants to tell the kid to get out of my house and not come back. Just torn. Any advice would be appreciated.

[RecentChange]

So there really isn't much punishment, as she and her son are "more like friends" (according to her) than a mother to her son.

 

Ugh... and thus this is why the kid has no boundaries, no self control and is on a fast track of a life leading to no where but the bottom.

 

This kid absolutely needs some tough love and boundaries ENFORCED. The parents have failed this kid so miserably now the state is having to step in and act like a parent with ankle bracelets etc.

 

And at risk of losing your trust? Holy *** this kid is a thief, drug using criminal, he doesn't deserve ANY trust right now - he hasn't earned any. He has proven himself 100% not trust worthy.

 

My recommendation? First get some really good locks. You need to lock up absolutely anything and everything of value or danger. No prescription drugs around, no weapons, no anything - you will need some serious locks on your bedroom.

 

Next, you and mom need to go see a counselor, if she won't listen to you, maybe she will listen to a professional when they say this "we are more like friends" parenting style is ruining any chance this child has for success in this life.

 

Curious, why was the kid living with dad instead of his mom, at least 50% of the time? Could she never handle him? Has he been a problem kid since day one, or is this crap new?

 

I don't envy you for a moment - sounds like a living hell. Your home should be your sanctuary and now you are sharing it with a young criminal. I am not a parent, because I don't want to be one.... in your position, I think I would tell him to get lost, my sanity is worth more - but understand that is going to be mom as well. Parents are a package deal when dating.

[preraph]

I am kind of surprised CPS hasn't been involved yet and made his mother take a parenting course. I think you should both take a parenting course. It's late to try to get control over a child, though, but if you're both on the same page, it might work. And for sure there needs to be family therapy. Trouble is, she's made the mistake of opting to be his friend instead of prepare him for adulthood. I certainly wouldn't want to live with him. He could get a gun from a friend who comes over and kill you.

[basil67]

Hi E35, it's great that he's landed with people who care.

 

While part of me sees juvi as a consequence, kids rarely come out better than when they went in, so it's probably best that he has an ankle monitor at home.

 

My advice would be to send him to a boot camp for troubled teens. The bonus of the boot camps is that they also mentor the parents, giving them the tools they need to better parent the child.

 

Good luck. And kudos for being a supportive step dad.

[preraph]

That's a great idea as long as you get a good one. Here in the US there are some that have a bad reputation and some of those are sponsored by kind of fundamentalist Christian places and rehab isn't their first priority. dr. Phil is always recommending those but I can't remember the names of any of them. It might be on his website. None of this stuff is cheap though.

[mark clemson]

Wow, very tough one. Agree that the time to address all this was actually a long time ago, but that wasn't your call. I'm going to take a guess that stuff that would have worked at 10, like taking away music, gaming, and iPhone time are likely useless now.

 

Suggest you research resources/techniques for curbing serious problem behavior (if you haven't done so already), share them with his mom, and then implement. I'm guessing this will go beyond what is permissible in school.

 

Consider Scared Straight or a similar program (this is something of a desperation move, but might help). Note that you'd want to research anything like this carefully before you come to any decisions about it.

 

Good luck - I suspect you are going to need it. Suggest you don't take any failures too personally. It may be beyond what a normal parent can do at this point.

 

 

Edit - saw Basil's post. Similar idea to hers above...

Edited May 2, 2019 by mark clemson
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[preraph]

Those boot camp or ranches, usually they are based on stripping them of everything and making them work for it so they appreciate what they had and their parents more. Plus if it's the right type place, they're going to get fit and learn some new practical skills.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Well, I'm going to take a minority view and say you and Mom should take a temporary break, son included. This isn't "boys will be boys", he's already up to car theft, B&E, drug dealing and gun use. In simply witnessing her continued enabling of his drug and crime spree, you're not helping. Don't get me wrong, don't see you as part of the problem - but you don't seem to be part of the solution either.

 

Unless she wakes up and changes her parenting style, you're just the first mate on the Titanic. Not a trip I'd sigh up for, and one, given the son's dangerous orbit, exposing you to substantial personal and financial liability.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 3, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

Well, I'm going to take a minority view and say you and Mom should take a temporary break, son included.

 

I'm in agreement with you here, Mr. Lucky.

 

It does not sound like the OP is married to this woman, so I would tell her. Either the kid goes or both the mom and kid go.

 

Let the kid go back into the system and learn what proper behavior is, so he doesn't spend an extended period of time in prison for his next crime.

 

This mess has already gone too far.

 

The OP attempted to help and the child did not appreciate this second/third chance, so no more. Bye-Bye.

[Gaeta]

I feel for you.

 

I am against abandonning a child of 14 to the system whether he's mine or not. If he were a troubled 17 year old I'd have a different advice but at 14 he's still just a kid.

 

As someone else asked why isn't social services involved here? The kid needs attention from a professional, his rebel nature is indicative of something brewing underneeth. Mom needs parenting classes.

 

Don't give up on him, one of my brothers was an absolute rebel at that age, my parents had to put him in a youth center as well for a while, the they shipped him to me across the country for a year. I was living out west at the time, he knew no one here to drag him into trouble. Fast forward today, he's a responsible adult with a family and his own company.

 

 

.

[vla1120]

First, his father should have kept him. He probably asked to come live with his mother because she treats him more like a friend than a son, so he knows he can get away with more.

 

I'm sure you want to stay and help/support his mother. However, if she continues to treat him with kid gloves, that should be a deal breaker. Considering she admits that she does not know how to discipline him, she either needs to ship him back to his father or she needs to step up to the plate and impose the type of punishment that his actions warrant.

 

What resources are available to his mother to help with his behavior? Can the court recommend a program (like a boot camp) to help teach him accountability and responsibility?

[Mr. Lucky]

one of my brothers was an absolute rebel

 

A child who's a "rebel" ignores schoolwork, skips chores and misses curfew.

 

This is way beyond that.

 

The stepson has burglarized businesses, stolen cars, used and dealt drugs and took one of the OP's guns - and that's what we know about. In these types of crimes, people (both victims and perps) can easily be injured or killed regardless of age. This won't be fixed by sending him to Boy's Town.

 

E35, you're not going to stop this train wreck, so the only question left is whether you want to be riding in the caboose when it happens. For me, the answer would be "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

A child who's a "rebel" ignores schoolwork, skips chores and misses curfew.

You are arguing with me over poor translation on my part. Child protection don't send kids away to delinquant centers because they don't do their homework or skip their chores. My brother took and dealt drugs, stole from my parents, ran away, and god knows what else.

[OatsAndHall]

Hi E35, it's great that he's landed with people who care.

 

While part of me sees juvi as a consequence, kids rarely come out better than when they went in, so it's probably best that he has an ankle monitor at home.

 

My advice would be to send him to a boot camp for troubled teens. The bonus of the boot camps is that they also mentor the parents, giving them the tools they need to better parent the child.

 

Good luck. And kudos for being a supportive step dad.

 

 

Before I began teaching, I worked as a counselor at a mental health treatment center. for teens and I think this is great advice. A facility like this or a boot camp may go a long way towards getting the kid in line. I would imagine a kid displaying these kinds of behaviors has some mental health and/or substance abuse issues that could be addressed at one of these facilities. Many of our kids got their crap together simply because they realized that their folks could and would lay down a heavy hammer.

 

 

 

I'll be blunt; the kid's behavior is criminal and goes above and beyond setting basic boundaries. The kid has been set to juvie and still doesn't care so taking away his phone isn't going to serve as a deterrent. Your SO does need to learn how to be a parent but you two are going to be trying to push water uphill until this kid faces the most serious consequences that you two can lay out.

 

 

On a final note, press charges if he commits another crime involving you or your property. Again, lay out the heaviest hand you can or else this kid will just keep it up.

[Gaeta]

I think the child needs to be removed from the home, and the community where he lives for a period of time. There are other options like wildeness camp, ship camp, ranch camp, walking Camino de Santiago, walking 30 km a day for 35 days will break anyone. It's now or never, he's only 14 and can be turn around. It will be too late when he turns 17-18. Then he'll be lost and everything will be out of your hands.

[E35]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the replies. I've been really busy lately so I haven't had time to respond. The other day she was letting him smoke cigarettes on the porch, and saying she just has given up on telling him not to smoke because he just keeps doing it.

 

I made a decision and ended the relationship, feeling this way: What you tolerate, you encourage. Things just won't get better in my house, for us, or for him. It was a tough decision, and a day later I'm feeling guilt, remorse, anger at myself, etc because she has a heart of gold and I just crushed it. But I feel like I have to do this for all involved, including my own mental health. If I can't have that, I don't have any balance in my life at work, or anywhere else. It all just really stinks. I work very hard to be a good person, I have tried to help them both, and it just seems like I'm giving up. I'm just really torn but feel I have to follow through with the decision I made. I also told mom if he doesn't get a serious wake-up call, he will be in prison or maybe dead. IDK what else I can do.

 

Comments are welcome ... If I don't reply for a couple of days, life is busy right now. But I sure appreciate all of the advice.

[preraph]

Hey, believe me, and any mother can tell you, you can't get in between a mother and her son. She made him this way. She's the one who needs the most work. No one would want to live with that. She will likely help him cheat every way she can and just keep enabling him and making him worse. I mean, really, cigarettes? If she doesn't give him the money for them, how would he get it? Ridiculous. I'm sorry you lost a relationship over this, but what a relief to be out.

[Wallysbears]

I would be willing to bet that there is more at play here than just a kid being "bad"

 

This sounds like serious behavioral and mental health issues.

 

Time to sit down your partner and have a conversation about professional intervention and/or the termination of your relationship.

 

As a step parent, you don't have a lot of say, unless Mom is willing to do the heavy lifting and insist that this child get help. But, you could also face the heavy hand of lawsuits if you allow this to continue under your roof without intervention.

 

Many hugs. It is a really difficult situation and I'd say this child needs to be in a medical facility with trained professionals to get to the root cause of what is going on and then a plan made from there.

[preraph]

He said above he has ended it.

[vla1120]

That was a very tough decision, but hopefully the best for you. Like someone else said, his mother needs to step up and stop enabling him, but she will defend him to the ends of the earth. It's very difficult to walk into the middle of a dysfunctional mother/child relationship hoping to make a difference. You did your best and offered support and guidance. It's a shame she did not lean on you more to help give herself the toughness she needs to deal with his issues while he is still young enough to make a turnaround in life. Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Comments are welcome ...

 

There are situations in which life offers us only an array of difficult choices and tough options, just the way it is. And where we wish there was a good outcome to be had, there's only the least worst, for lack of a better way to put it.

 

Seems that's where you've ended up, choosing the path with the fewest negative consequences. I'd guess time will prove you correct, much to the detriment of the others involved.

 

Hope this brings you some peace and stability...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the replies. I've been really busy lately so I haven't had time to respond. The other day she was letting him smoke cigarettes on the porch, and saying she just has given up on telling him not to smoke because he just keeps doing it.

 

I made a decision and ended the relationship, feeling this way: What you tolerate, you encourage. Things just won't get better in my house, for us, or for him. It was a tough decision, and a day later I'm feeling guilt, remorse, anger at myself, etc because she has a heart of gold and I just crushed it. But I feel like I have to do this for all involved, including my own mental health. If I can't have that, I don't have any balance in my life at work, or anywhere else. It all just really stinks. I work very hard to be a good person, I have tried to help them both, and it just seems like I'm giving up. I'm just really torn but feel I have to follow through with the decision I made. I also told mom if he doesn't get a serious wake-up call, he will be in prison or maybe dead. IDK what else I can do.

 

Comments are welcome ... If I don't reply for a couple of days, life is busy right now. But I sure appreciate all of the advice.

 

 

I am so sorry it had to end this way. A relationship of 3 years isn't nothing. Has she tried to negociate something? Her lack of disicpline will have ruined her relationship with her love and will ruin her relaitonship with her son.

[BettyDraper]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the replies. I've been really busy lately so I haven't had time to respond. The other day she was letting him smoke cigarettes on the porch, and saying she just has given up on telling him not to smoke because he just keeps doing it.

 

I made a decision and ended the relationship, feeling this way: What you tolerate, you encourage. Things just won't get better in my house, for us, or for him. It was a tough decision, and a day later I'm feeling guilt, remorse, anger at myself, etc because she has a heart of gold and I just crushed it. But I feel like I have to do this for all involved, including my own mental health. If I can't have that, I don't have any balance in my life at work, or anywhere else. It all just really stinks. I work very hard to be a good person, I have tried to help them both, and it just seems like I'm giving up. I'm just really torn but feel I have to follow through with the decision I made. I also told mom if he doesn't get a serious wake-up call, he will be in prison or maybe dead. IDK what else I can do.

 

Comments are welcome ... If I don't reply for a couple of days, life is busy right now. But I sure appreciate all of the advice.

 

I think you made the right decision and I applaud you for it.

 

It's hard to walk away from a woman you love but she has created a very toxic situation.

I think you went above and beyond what most men would have done for a girlfriend's child.

 

I agree with your comment about her son ending up dead or in prison.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like the mother is willing to set boundaries with her son.

 

Parents and children should not be friends until the child is a responsible adult.

[Marc878]

Sorry but I have to agree you made the correct decision.

 

You and your life counts too

[Happy Lemming]

Change the locks on all doors!!

 

I've got a bad feeling this kid is not done with you.