Why is 6 months too soon?

[mark clemson]

I've noticed a few times people being given advice that 6 months is too soon to move in together, especially if there are young kids involved. Just wondering why that is?

 

It seems to be that 6 months would be sufficient time to mutually decide that you're serious as a couple, and so an ok time to do moving in and becoming more of a factor in kids lives. Why am I wrong?

 

Note that I'm not dating - this is a curiosity/in theory question.

[basil67]

Moving in together early is high risk due to the fact that you've still got your rose coloured glasses on.

 

Now, if it's just two adults, the risk is only to them and they are only risking their own hearts. However kids are likely to get attached to the new parent figure - and because moving in together early is risky, they are far more likely to get hurt by having that parent figure torn away if they were to break up.

[Lotsgoingon]

One of the smartest, wisest guys I know ... once commented to me on my then-relationship, which at the six-month mark was getting really rocky.

 

He basically said, look, people can fake it and hide their real selves for six months. I don't think there's anything magic about six months ... could be four months in some cases or 8 months or a year. The point is ... six months is a good marker ... and no, all too often, you do NOT know who you're really dealing with at six months. You have a silhouette view of who you're dealing with.

 

There are all kinds of family secrets that come out over time ... family secrets that are quite relevant to dating this person. No one rushes to tell you their family was once where there was violence or drug abuse or dad was jailed.

 

At the start of a relationship, the other person is often trying to please you. What happens at some point is that the other person starts to want to be themselves more ... they want to be accepted ... as do we. Well, you don't see this side of folks if you get super serious really fast.

 

People have all kinds of histories that don't come out for a good while... histories and habits that are relevant for dating ... here's the thing. Lots of people know what a good partner looks like from the outside. So they can play-act being a good partner for a while. That play-acting will play itself out, and the real person will come out. And only when you're dealing with the real person (and out of intoxication yourself so you can SEE the real person) can you truly judge if someone is a good fit for you.

[Logo]

Personally I think 6 months is too short a period. One source I have come across recommends 9 months. It sounds about right, but it's not set in stone. Some partners can fake it longer than others. It's not until the mask comes off that you start seeing the real person.

 

When dating, some people last 3 to 4 dates and then you start seeing big red flags. It's all about comfort. The more comfortable that person is, the more confident he/she is about showing their true self.

 

Some are more cunning than others. Some are smarter than others.

 

If someone is really into you, or if someone wants to be with you long term, they will work extra hard to keep that mask on for as long as they can tolerate it.

 

Sometimes a bump or two in the relationship will test the relationship and reveal who that person really is and what they're made of.

[chillii]

Well , dunno about the rest but with young kids it's a no brainer.

They'll just have to live through another broken home when it doesn't work out later.

Professional advice is give the new relationship at least 12 mths but preferably 18 or even more when young kids are involved , pretty well a no brainer to in my book.

[TooBad]

I'll have someone move in as fast as possible/she wants. It makes no sense to wait xx months and not see what someone's like 24/7. Waste of time.

Variations on the theme are with me from Friday after work till monday morning, and wednesday evening till thursday morning. So we both have 2 nights to ourselves. You're either comfortable with someone or you're not. Better to find out soon.

 

 

Ofcourse with kids involved that would be a different story.

[alphamale]

because you don't really know the other party very well after just six months

[Veronica73]

because you don't really know the other party very well after just six months

 

This. And breaking up sucks enough without adding having to find a new home and move. Especially with kids. Why put your kids through that?

[Trail Blazer]

Six months is way too soon! If it were just the two of you, take the risk, what have you got to lose? Only yourselves! When kids are involved, you have to take longer until you're certain that you can live happily with that person.

 

I've been there and learnt the hard way that people aren't who they present themselves as. Involving kids at all, let alone cohabiting within such a short period of time, is fraught with danger.

[Trail Blazer]

I'll have someone move in as fast as possible/she wants. It makes no sense to wait xx months and not see what someone's like 24/7. Waste of time.

Variations on the theme are with me from Friday after work till monday morning, and wednesday evening till thursday morning. So we both have 2 nights to ourselves. You're either comfortable with someone or you're not. Better to find out soon.

 

Ofcourse with kids involved that would be a different story.

Yeah, but how do you know the person you're becoming comfortable with is really the person you're becoming comfortable with? Short answer is you don't! You need more time than six months. Honeymoon periods aren't good times to assess these things logically, as you often skim over or don't even notice subtle red flags.

 

I don't think you ever truly know someone until you move in with them. However, you learn a hell of a lot more about someone over a 6-12 month period than you do in the first 6 months of dating. If, after a full year, you have been spending many nights at each other's houses and things are going swimmingly, it's time to start having that discussion.

 

Assuming children are part of the equation, an absolute minimum time should be 12 months. The kids should also be comfortable sleeping over at the other respective partner's house. You do not want to create a situation whereby the child is less comfortable than they would normally be staying with you, now that you're cohabiting with your partner.

[alphamale]

yea you also need time to check your new prospective roommates criminal background such as any sex offender crimes. you also have to have time to check his/her financial background and prior relationship history. maybe even hire a private investigator

[mark clemson]

Ok - thanks all for the replies so far. This is something I haven't had any experience in in a long long time so I wasn't seeing it realistically. Appreciate it!

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t even introduce someone to my kids until we have been dating for six months and I’m sure this relationship is going to go the distance. And then, they need time to get to know that person without the pressure of having a stranger living in their home.

 

I would much prefer to take my time and do it right, such that everyone is comfortable and secure. I’ve seen it happen in my own life - rushing things and doing it in a way that is not considerate and respectful to all involved only creates difficulties that will take a LONG time to recover.

[Wallysbears]

Six months is WAY too early to move in together if kids are involved. That's not fair to the kids.

[preraph]

You have to wait however long it takes for the newness of lust isn't controlling your actions and you have to wait until you've seen each other in bad circumstances: sick, car trouble, financial struggle, job issues, and last but not least, how they are when they don't get what they want. That is when you will see how things will be once the new wears off and things aren't idyllic.

 

Six months also might not be that many dates even, or it might not have been mostly exclusive. So it's a new relationship.

 

The thing I'll never forget is a roommate of mine had this younger bf (while we were rooming together) and she married him after a couple of years and moved away from her friends and family to his Naval base, and as soon as he got her away from her friends and family where she had no one to help her, he started physical abuse. I knew he was shady because I had caught him stealing something small of mine, and she knew it too, so she was shady too, but I never saw him as abusive. They kept it lighthearted. He had a horrible childhood, though. He hid what he had in him until she was helpless.

[Simple Logic]

IMO 6 months is not to short of a period to move in, but living with children as an adult when you are not accustomed to this will a challenge not matter how low you wait.

[mortensorchid]

Six months is WAY TOO EARLY FOR PEOPLE TO MOVE IN TOGETHER. PERIOD. Know how many couples I have known who moved in together at the 6 month marker (or even sooner) and it all fell apart in a true horror story?

 

People, be reasonable here. When you have first met someone, that's infatuation. That's going to last about 6-9 months, and it's going to wear off physically and chemically (endorphins). When it does, you are with this person in a LTR, and you better like that person. Not love, just like them. And if you don't, you're in TROUBLE in all caps. I have also been in situations where I have been in infatuation with that person and suddenly I may see that person's true colors and infatuation doesn't wear off, it comes to a screaching halt. And it does with others as well. Some people just bounce from place to place, person to person, because once infatuation is over and done with, they are done as well and don't know what to do with themselves. Or they leave me and bounce to another woman who is REALLY NOT RIGHT FOR THEM and marry them barely a year later, and end up divorced.

 

Life is complicated, but if you do things the right way rather than the foolish one, you'll be better. So wait when you hit certain plateaus - Infatuation 1 will wear off in about 6-9 months, then Level 2 will happen in about another 9 months to a year. Unfortunately some people only stay together for about a year and a half / two years, then they realize that it's time for the next level of commitment and they don't want to do that. After that Level 2 happens ... Then there's another level or two.