How to stop letting the rejection paralyze me?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Background: we met online 4 years ago and fell in love. We met three times, then he moved in and I got pregnant the very next week. We now have two kids (second was my desperate attempt to save the relationship). He raped me the first day we met and hes been lying to me too many times. Hes also cheated on me repeatedly (mainly online). Discovering that broke my heart and turned me into a quite nasty person to live with. Also, my pregnancies were very rough and i was mostly bedridden and not very fun to be around. A year ago I caught him flirting on an app again, he denied it and said that he wish he had someone else because then he wouldnt have to put up with me. Five minutes later he walked out the door and tried to kill himself. He got mentally unwell, severely and very quickly (a few months before his suicide attempt but after i caught him with the worst of the cheating). After talking to a family therapist (i thought we'd finally save our relationship) she recommended him going to the crazy house for awhile and get meds. He did the same day and stayed for 3 weeks and they damaged his brain so much that he is physically incapable of being happy now (brain damage). Then he got out and moved out a week after, promising he'd return to me by summer when he's feeling better. This was two weeks before I was due to give birth to our second child. After he left the hospital, he also blame me for his disease and has hated me every since (though we've still slept together the few times hes visited the kids since then, he tries to fight it but we slip right back to where we ended each time he comes around, which in my eyes is a sign that we are meant to be).

 

During his last visit, I told him how I felt about him and he laughed at me and pushed me away, saying he'll never come back to me. As soon as he had moved out, he sought the attention of other girls and ive been the only one fighting for us to get back together.

 

Today we had a nasty fight. Hes a great dad to the kids (or was before he left) and I cant cope alone. I suggested he take them with him when moving back to his home country as they can have a better future there. He said he'll call the authorities to have them taken away. I just fought with them for 6 months to get to keep my kids after being falsely accused by strangers. (I cant trust anyone nor ask for help because of it).

 

I'm very much in love with him and I kbow I carry a lot of the blame of what went wrong. Ive been hoping hed keep his promise and return but now I know he won't. When ive realised this I haven't been able to study or lose any more weight (I had doubled my weight during our relationship) for the past two months. I barely function. I wish he could take the kids so im free to end my life with no regrets. No need to tell me too seek professional help, they have all (about 20) told me they cant help me. My ex was the only person in my entire life who actually made me excited about the future. I can no longer ask anyone for help as I'll lose my kids then. My family is very toxic and i can't rely on them on this matter. I dont have a single friend despite many efforts to get some.

 

Im constantly sad and angry. I overeat as that is the only thing that keeps me from thinking of him for a short moment. If I know my ex correctly, he still loves me but is too scared to come back home, fearing the voices in his head will return. I feel like we never got a proper chance with me being very ill from my pregnancies during most part of our relationship and then him getting severely ill and had to wait too long before getting any treatment for it. I genuinely believe we could work out. I miss him. It feels like my life is put on pause. I cant find motivation to do anything as it hurts too much to lose him. He's cut off all ways of communication now and I fear I'll never get to see him again. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to cope. I just want him back home..its been 8 months since he left and it only gets harder with each day. Do i really not stand a chance of getting him back? How do I stop letting it paralyze my life? How do I stop humiliating myself by constantly begging for him to come back when he doesn't care? He says he doesn't believe that im in love with him.

 

Telling me to get professional help is literally the most useless advice i could possibly be given so I would appreciate not getting such advice. I wouldnt be on here if I had anywhere else to turn to. Im really lost and lonely. I dont know how to cope when my heart is in so many pieces. I dont know how to let go when I don't even want to. Please help?

[GorillaTheater]

The best advice I can offer you is to let a family member, or failing that a foster parent, take over care of your children until you're in a better place. Neither you nor your ex (who raped you the first time you met???) are in any way capable at this point to properly raise them.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

But he wont take them abroad to his family so that is not an option. New research has shown that kids are very likey to get physically and sexually abused in a foster care and it has always always a negative impact on the rest of their lives. Im currently only alive to prevent my children to end up at such place. If my ex aint coming back, I won't be in a better place, ever. Im perfectly capable of rasing my kids and I rather die than knowing they'll be mistreated by strangers. It's an awful thing to suggest I ruin my children's lives just because you dont think a broken-hearted person can take care of them. Their father is now treated and well and is perfectly capable of it as well.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[stillafool]

Where is your family? Not all children who enter Foster Care get abused or there wouldn't be a Foster Care. If you feel suicidal I don't know how that is good for your children. Your children can feel and see your depression and it isn't good for them especially since you feel like you don't want to live. Your baby's father is not the last man on this earth and I'm sorry to say that if he has made it clear he doesn't want to come back he won't be back. You two sounded horrible for each other and I can only imagine what the kids have witnessed. If he did come back all of this would just start over again and he would go back to mental illness. If you really want to know how to get over this it starts with ACCEPTANCE that he is gone and the relationship as you knew it is over. He will still be a father to his kids who are due child support. Have you filed for it yet?

[stillafool]

But he wont take them abroad to his family so that is not an option. New research has shown that kids are very likey to get physically and sexually abused in a foster care and it has always always a negative impact on the rest of their lives. Im currently only alive to prevent my children to end up at such place. If my ex aint coming back, I won't be in a better place, ever. Im perfectly capable of rasing my kids and I rather die than knowing they'll be mistreated by strangers. It's an awful thing to suggest I ruin my children's lives just because you dont think a broken-hearted person can take care of them. Their father is now treated and well and is perfectly capable of it as well.

 

To be honest, a situation such as yours is best dealt with by professionals who you said you are seeing. An internet full of strangers are not the best to advise you. I wish you well.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post

[Loveisonlyformovies]

To be honest, a situation such as yours is best dealt with by professionals who you said you are seeing. An internet full of strangers are not the best to advise you. I wish you well.

 

Professionals have been perfecrly clear that they can not help me. Once I know my kids are safe, I'll seek them up again as they need to help out with my application to a suicide clinic. That is their opinion, they claim they can't help me in any other way. It's a choice thats been carefully considered for years, and not caused by temporarily imbalanced feelings.

My kids has never seen any harm or issues at home, we've always made sure of that. Putting them in foster care is proven by science in my country to be the worst possibly option for the child and something I'll never allow. Nor does the father have to pay a single penny according to the state as he literally has no money. Once he will have money, he'll be far out of the country and my country can't force him to pay.

 

Asking strangers for advice is literally my last way out. But as that has proven to be a waste of time, I'm better off sticking to my original plan and continue selling off my possessions to fill the kids saving accounts up so I know they'll somewhat manage in the future. I just need to find another relative abroad which will make all this take even longer. My country ain't good for them.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

If he did come back all of this would just start over again and he would go back to mental illness. If you really want to know how to get over this it starts with ACCEPTANCE that he is gone and the relationship as you knew it is over. He will still be a father to his kids who are due child support. Have you filed for it yet?

 

Why would it all start over again? I'm no longer ill from being pregnant and in great shape to deal with my share of the chores and taking care of the kids, a burden he no longer would have to carry alone, or at all. He got ill quite unexpectedly but has now gotten proper treatment for it and is as functional as he was before it all started. We don't really have anything working against us anymore, nothing that is out of our control.

I accepted that the relationship as I knew it is gone long time ago, im just convinced that we now have all the tools and possibilities to create a much better one. Home is not home without him. I don't see how i could ever accept that he's gone, the kids need their father but he has this delusional idea that they don't miss him at all and will soon forget he exists.

[d0nnivain]

You are a very broken person. Since you don't want to hear get professional help, I'll go the tough love route.

 

He's not coming back. You have to accept this & get over it for your kids. They need you. You need to be happy & fulfilled within yourself. You cannot find inner strength from a person outside you. Stop trying.

 

 

You have to want to change this. Then you actually have to change. It's all on you, not him. Get up. Get tough & get going.

 

 

Step one: improve your environment. Get up & take a shower. Clean your house from top to bottom. I'm serious. If your living space is a mess, that is an outward manifestation of how screwed up your brain it. When I'm down in the dumps my house is a wreck. When I can get the strength & motivation to clean it, that helps lighten my mood. Clutter & disorder weigh you down.

 

You may think this is a silly frivolous step but it's not. It will help. Laying around makes things worse. Movement improves mood so get out of bed & stop wallowing!

 

 

Step two: make a genuine brutal assessment of your situation. What are your resources & what are you responsibilities? Do you have a job or source of income? Is the father paying child support? Who do you have that can help -- friends, family, neighbors, social workers? Can you pay for more help? Once you figure out what you do have you can determine what's missing & create a plan to fill in the gaps. Getting him back is not an option. Do not consider that. This is about how you can do this alone.

 

 

Step 3 prioritize what you need to change. You say you are overweight so tackle that because it's easier to see progress. Eat more healthy foods in smaller portions. Rid your house of the junk. You know you are overeating to fill a void, Make the choice to stop doing that. When you pick up a snack, put it down & remind yourself that it won't help. Then do 10 jumping jacks right there rather then stuff your face. Drink more water. Most people eat when they are really dehydrated. Next time you want to snack, drink an 8 ounce glass of water instead to see if that fills you up. Exercise every day even if it's only pushing the stroller abound the block.

 

Realize that home for your kids is where you are. You have to build them a great place to live. You chose to have them. They didn't ask to be born. Step up & figure this out for them. You are a mom; their existence means you no longer have the luxury of being selfish.

 

Consider turning back to religion or finding a religion you like God will help you & prayer will give you strength.

 

Try reading some self help books about dealing with depression, toxic break ups & motivation. You have to find something to light & fuel a fire in your soul.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

My environment is fine and tidy, ive lost 30 kg so far, which is half of my total weight gain, it's now at a standstill, but at least im not gaining. I have not found a good outlet to keep my anxiety away oyher than overeating. Exercising sadly does not help, ive already tried it. I used to have ocd to keep the anxiety away but now I can only do it once the kids are asleep as I need to be alone for it.

I used to exercise every day, but as I havent the past month, my fitness is back to zero and im trying to work out every second day now to get it back to the level i was.

 

He won't pay child support. I dont have a job, I have very low chances of ever getting a job (recruitment companies words, not mine). I try to study on the side, but have been too upset to study the past two months. I also lack motivation for it as my studies lack a direction, I just study a little of each at this point. I'm more or less forced by law to stay home for another 5 months with the kids, as no nursery or day care are allowed to accept children under the age of 1. I try to stay somewhat active and be out every day for the sake of my kids. But this has not helped heal the pain at all. I've only had a babysitter 3 times this year, I keep asking but no one is willing to help.

I dedicated the past 4 years to him and his dreams. Ive no idea what to do with my life now. I cant choose a direction and no one has been willing to advise me on it either. At this point im forced to get a job in 5 months. That's just to exist, it can hardly be called living. I will not be turning to religion as that is what made me hate people in general in the first place. No matter how hard I try to find a solution, i cant find a way to get out of this country alone with the kids. And without them, I would not consider staying alive.

 

These are general advice and have all been tried and they've had no effect whatsoever. But thanks anyway

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

You've got nothing but excuses as to why you can't do this and that. At first you said all you do is eat and you've gained weight now you're saying you've lost weight. Which is it? You should run because it's more strenuous and will help your mental health. If it's as bad as you say it is let me ask you what does this man have to come back to other than his kids? Like I said before he will definitely at some point want to see his kids and they will have a relationship whether it's now or later once he gets his life together. Sorry they don't enforce child support payments in your country. I live in the USA.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I lost 30 kg the first 6 months but the last two months I've been overeating again. Im physically incapable of running, i seeked help for it but they say I just have to live with it.

They cant enforce child support when he has no income, he's a student. Ive sent him money quite a few times and paid for tickets to come here. He rather spends his student loan on other things than visiting the kids. I don't want him to come and see the kids in the future. He either has regular contact with them or none at all. I cant stand seeing our two year old constantly heartbroken and asking for his dad each time he leaves, without us knowing when or if he even will come and visit again. I also dont think I'll ever be capable of meeting him and see him as a friend or less.

 

I gave him a life and a family. I supported him and pushed him to pursue his dreams when no one else did. It wasn't all bad, far from. But he chooses to remember only the bad.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Why are you sending him money for anything? You need your money for you and your kids. If you have extra money save it for a better life for you. He's a grown ass man and can take care of himself. If he isn't going to come back to you guys and be a good man and father to his kids he doesn't deserve financial support from you.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Because I still care for him and would like to think he'd have done the same for me. He paid all bills the last year we were together so I guess I feel I kind of owe him.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

You are your own worst enemy here. Nothing will change until you change it.

 

The idea that you think exercise doesn't work is ludicrous. It is the only thing that does work.

 

You need to get a job. There is also no way around that. You say you house is tidy. So get a job cleaning other people's houses or go work in a hotel.

 

Until you take affirmative steps to improve your situation, you will remain stuck.

 

You are looking for a magical white knight to rescue you from yourself. You thought he was it. The idea that you met on line, saw each other 3 times & then moved in confirms the idea that you never learned how to be alone & you are seeking external validation from men. Your situation will never improve until you stop doing that & embrace the reality that you are the only one you can count on & you have to do all the work yourself to become a whole happy person. The idea that this guy you are bemoaning RAPED you the 1st time you met him, yet you went on to have 2 kids with him & are now claiming paralysis because this mentally ill person who hears voices left you indicates that you have zero self esteem & make bad decisions. Until you stop relying on others nothing will change.

 

I wish you luck but given your responses to every suggestion you have been given, you are not yet ready to accept responsibility for fixing your situation which means it will stay as bad as it is.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Exercising does nothing for my anxiety. Ive tried it. Did nothing.

I am forced by law to stay home and take care of my kids for another 5 months. Then I dont even know if I'll work or maybe go to uni instead. While im forced to stay home, I get plenty of money from the state. Im not poor or desperate for a job as you all seem to think.

 

Ive been alone all my life and never sought validation from anyone but him. Ive taken plenty of actions to change my life but it does not change how i feel about him or make me miss him any less. No matter what I do to improve my life, it feels pointless when I can't share it with him.

Edited May 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[d0nnivain]

I wasn't talking about exercise for your anxiety but for weight loss.

 

I just realized what country you are in. I'm glad that the State is providing you with adequate resources. I apologize for my American bias; here you'd be destitute without a job.

 

But you still have to take action. Your life is in your hands. Take charge. You can do this but you have to want to.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Why would I want to when it wont bring any joy?

[vla1120]

I wish I had read this post earlier. Now I have a much better understanding of your predicament. First of all, he might have been a good father to your children (at least the first one), but he is definitely toxic to you. Rape is traumatizing. I can only imagine that he justified his actions and does not consider what he did was rape (though you know it was), and you played into his manipulative hand. He has had total control in this relationship. It's no wonder you have no interest in life. You've been through hell and haven't had anyone you can trust or turn to for help or moral support!

 

I just want you to know that you can recover from this. You CAN find a reason to be happy. You WILL be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. Take this time that you are home with your children to find contentment in the smallest daily tasks. Try to put the unpleasant thoughts away, or write them down in a journal. In fact, if I were you, I would write your entire history with this man in a journal (as you are doing in your letter to him) and refer back to that journal when you need a reminder about how he has controlled and manipulated you. He succeeded in breaking you down to the point that you feel you have nothing to live for, except seeing that your children are taken care of. Damn him and good riddance! Let him go back to his country. You will find the sun again, in time.

[d0nnivain]

Why would I want to when it wont bring any joy?

 

Because you said your weigh gain was bringing you down. If you don't like your weight, you can change it through exercise.

 

Not much is going to bring you happiness your present state. You are too upset to hear us. In time you will come to see the wisdom of what various posters have suggested to you.

 

 

For now you have to figure out what you want & then set about achieving that. If you want him to come back, be mentally healthy & a for all of you to live happily ever after, what else do you want? Because that pipe dream is not going to happen & as soon as you accept that the sooner you can start to do things that will bring you joy.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I wish I had read this post earlier. Now I have a much better understanding of your predicament. First of all, he might have been a good father to your children (at least the first one), but he is definitely toxic to you. Rape is traumatizing. I can only imagine that he justified his actions and does not consider what he did was rape (though you know it was), and you played into his manipulative hand. He has had total control in this relationship. It's no wonder you have no interest in life. You've been through hell and haven't had anyone you can trust or turn to for help or moral support!

 

I just want you to know that you can recover from this. You CAN find a reason to be happy. You WILL be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. Take this time that you are home with your children to find contentment in the smallest daily tasks. Try to put the unpleasant thoughts away, or write them down in a journal. In fact, if I were you, I would write your entire history with this man in a journal (as you are doing in your letter to him) and refer back to that journal when you need a reminder about how he has controlled and manipulated you. He succeeded in breaking you down to the point that you feel you have nothing to live for, except seeing that your children are taken care of. Damn him and good riddance! Let him go back to his country. You will find the sun again, in time.

 

i dont even know what to answer to that. It just made me cry.