At what age should we let our son have his own room?

[BlondeSusane]

Ever since our son was born (on December 15th) he has been in the bedroom with me and my boyfriend. We're getting a little uncomfortable having sex with him in the same room. At what age should we move him into his own bedroom?

[Gaeta]

In my culture we move the baby to his own bedroom once he is capable of turning his body around on his own which your child should be doing by now. Make sure you have anti-suffocation blanket in his bed.

[noelle303]

There's no specific age when you should do it, it's basically whenever parents feel comfortable doing it and what works for the family.

 

My daughter was around 10 months when I moved her into her own room, right around the time I stopped breastfeeding and she started sleeping through the night. Before that it would've been too much of a hassle for me.

[preraph]

As someone who had a hard time sleeping on my own out of fear when young, I say the sooner the better (once baby can turn over). I know that me having to share a bed made me afraid to be alone in one. I didn't feel safe. I felt terrified. You have to present the bed like, I'm taking you to your cosiest safest place now and really convince them this is their safe place to be and not be nervous doing it or they pick up on that and also get anxious. Be RELIEVED when you take your baby to his/her room and breathe and try to be in the "safe comfy" mindset.

[basil67]

My babies slept in their own room, next door to ours, from the start. Their baby noises would interrupt my own sleep all night - they'd go 'ah' and I'd wake up with a jump and couldn't go back to sleep.

[major_merrick]

At what age? IMMEDIATELY. A child should never be in a parent's bedroom. You have to have a place where you can be alone, have sex, etc.... Hell, put the baby in the living room or in the dining room if there's no other space. Not in your bedroom. That's extremely important to having a stable and intimate relationship with your partner.

 

Failing to have a space of your own where the kids cannot go is pretty much a recipe for breakup/divorce. Kids don't come first - your relationship with your partner does! Otherwise, what stable base is there to raise them?

 

And yes, I have experience with this. I gave birth to my daughter back in September, and I'm pregnant again. Husband has other kids of various ages. Never had a child in our room even for a minute after birth. If feeding has to be done at night (usually he does it) that's done elsewhere.

[major_merrick]

Yes, poly and mono homes are different. But my husband and I were both raised in mono homes. Same rule applied - no kids in the parents' bedroom. That's actually where we both learned the idea. Bedtime is early, and once kids are in bed, that's where they stay. I use breast milk for my daughter - but I pump it and use a bottle exclusively. For one thing, I don't want a kid on my nipple...I've got some issues with that. But pumping adds flexibility so that the father or another partner or even a sibling can do some of the work. It just makes sense.

 

 

Wouldn't keeping kids out of the bedroom would be more important for mono couples than it is for me? I have other partners to meet my intimate needs and keep me company while my husband tends to the kids. Same for him if I'm busy. Most people just have one partner. Having a kid (or several!) constantly interrupting would be quite trying. I would think having no boundaries would drive the average mono couple insane.

 

On top of having boundaries, I'd also advise scheduled feedings, rather than on-demand when they cry. When I first had my baby, I thought my husband was crazy insisting on a schedule. But...he'd done this with his other kids, so I went with it. It definitely works.

[basil67]

Bedtime is early, and once kids are in bed, that's where they stay.

 

Parenting with kids allowed in the bedroom here. My kids also went to bed early and stayed in their own beds in their own rooms. Them being allowed in our room didn't change anything.

 

Having a kid (or several!) constantly interrupting would be quite trying. I would think having no boundaries would drive the average mono couple insane.

 

If the kids are young enough to not understand that they need to not interrupt if mom and dad are 'napping', then they are young need supervision. It is not OK to leave young children unsupervised. My primary boundary was making sure my kids survived childhood. I'm picturing a child choking to death while their parents are having sex under your scenario.

 

On top of having boundaries, I'd also advise scheduled feedings, rather than on-demand when they cry. When I first had my baby, I thought my husband was crazy insisting on a schedule. But...he'd done this with his other kids, so I went with it. It definitely works.

 

Both work. And both have different advantages.

[major_merrick]

Basil, if your kids choke to death simply because you weren't around, then you've absolutely failed at "threat proofing" the area where they are. The way you make it sound, no parent could ever sleep. At a certain point, common sense precautions have got to be enough, as it is physically impossible to have your eyes on them 24/7/365.

 

This thread is mostly about a baby younger than my own. A crib is essentially a kennel, and pretty much a safe space wherever you put it since you control exactly what items (if any) are in there. No reason not to have the baby in another room. If we were talking about a toddler, then you threat-proof their room and lock the door so they don't get into mischief around the house.

[basil67]

Merrick, no situation is 100% safe for anyone who is unable to gauge risk. Objects can get left out accidentally. Being around is part of risk management.

 

I would never ever lock a child in his/her room. We don't do restraint practices here either in culture or in our family. Child psychologists who teach restraint practices only use it when the child's behaviour is so extreme that it puts themselves or others at risk. If a child reports that their parents lock them in their room, child services will become involved.

[major_merrick]

Basil, I would say that where you're living, your parental practices are unduly restricted by the government. In the mid-south US where I live, it isn't an issue. It is simply called parental authority. Spanking is widespread, as is the use of a paddle - although my husband refuses to use that kind of discipline. Locking young kids in their rooms at night isn't an issue, although it would be seen as odd for kids over age 5-6. By that time, if they're going to choke on a random object, that falls into natural selection territory.

[noelle303]

Merrick, it's great that it works for you, but that doesn't mean it's everyone's cup of tea.

 

I breastfed my daughter. As you know, breastfed infants do require more frequent feedings and there would be occasions where she would cluster feed during growth spurts. Am I supposed to get up each time during the night, go to her room, feed her, get back to my room and then in a couple of hours do it again? No way, I was too exhausted and sleep deprived.

 

Not to mention, during the first year of life there is high risk of SIDS. I wanted her close by so I can check on her every now and then.

 

Again, I feel like whatever works for the family goes. Wouldn't reccommend locking a child in their room though - that seems insane.

[basil67]

I would be interested to see other posters from the mid-south US agree that locking a child in it's room is usual practice.

[noelle303]

I would be interested to see other posters from the mid-south US agree that locking a child in it's room is usual practice.

 

I'm from the west coast and it would be highly unusual for a parent to do this.

 

However, the US, in my opinion, really does allow parents a lot of freedom when it comes to discipline.

 

For examply, while over 60 countries over the world have banned spanking as a parenting practice, US still allows it unfortunately.

[basil67]

We still allow spanking here too.

 

I don't believe in spanking, but did try it on my son (pre-dx) when I'd run out of ideas to help manage his behaviour. Worst parenting idea ever - all he learned from it was to hit when frustrated. Best parenting moment was post autism dx and I learned how to alter my communication method to suit him. Cue visual communication of "no hitting' hanging on the wall.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My kids are both way older than infants now, but looking back I wish I had not stressed so much about "getting them to sleep on their own." A baby spends 9 months nestled inside mom's body and then they are thrust into the cold world and expected to sleep completely alone. It isn't very natural. Cultures that co-sleep seem a lot more loving to me.

 

Sex is not always the #1 priority in a marriage. If your marriage fails because you can't have physical access to each other's bodies due to a baby being present for whatever amount of time you allow that, you have bigger problems.

[Gaeta]

I would never leave a new born alone in a room while I sleep in another. Newborns need to eat every 2 hours and in between the feed they can regurgitate at any time. It's a bran new human being and you don't know yet if he'll tolerate his milk, or if he has any undiagnosed condition, and let me mention sudden infant death syndrome. Your APP American academic of pediatry recommends infants stay in their parents bedroom the first 4 months to lower the risk of Sudden infant death.

[nittygritty]

In the mid-south US where I live, it isn't an issue. It is simply called parental authority. Spanking is widespread, as is the use of a paddle - although my husband refuses to use that kind of discipline. Locking young kids in their rooms at night isn't an issue, although it would be seen as odd for kids over age 5-6. By that time, if they're going to choke on a random object, that falls into natural selection territory.

 

Parents that lock their kids in their room at night and hit their kids are child abusers.

 

Chalking it up to natural selection if they choke on a random object??? I sure hope you aren’t being serious. That sounds like knowingly recklessly being negligent.

 

A baby monitor allows you to hear the baby and keep an eye on it when you are in another room in the house. A cradle in our bedroom for about the first 4 or 5 months and then introducing them to a crib in their own room was what we did. Knowing that we would still be checking on them throughout the night that first year and even after.

[major_merrick]

A baby spends 9 months nestled inside mom's body and then they are thrust into the cold world and expected to sleep completely alone. It isn't very natural. Cultures that co-sleep seem a lot more loving to me.

 

Life is tough...better to get tough early. That's reality. As strange as it sounds, I'm less concerned about being loving and more concerned about my children being successful. And that's not nearly as radical as how my mother raised me.

 

Newborns need to eat every 2 hours and in between the feed they can regurgitate at any time. It's a bran new human being and you don't know yet if he'll tolerate his milk.....Your APP American academic of pediatry recommends infants stay in their parents bedroom the first 4 months to lower the risk of Sudden infant death.

 

I'll agree with you that if a kid is using formula, you'll have to watch that more closely for signs of digestive issues and allergies. Having babies sleep on their sides reduces the risk from regurgitation. I'm using breastmilk, so reactions to that are much less likely. And yes, kids will eat every 2-3 hours the first couple of months. My husband did almost all of the night feeding - he's usually up every couple of hours according to the schedule. My husband pretty much took any advice given after 1950 and rethought everything. With nearly a dozen kids, his method is working.

 

Much of today's child-centric parenting advice comes from Dr. Benjamin Spock, a left-leaning pediatrician who published his books starting in the late 1940's. Acceptance of that literature has increased parental permissiveness, and allowed children to expect instant gratification. I believe that permissive parenting and lack of boundaries are possible causes for the breakup of modern families, the rampant misbehavior of children, and the weakening of American society in general.

 

 

A baby monitor allows you to hear the baby and keep an eye on it when you are in another room in the house.....Knowing that we would still be checking on them throughout the night that first year and even after.

 

We already do that, although my husband is much more watchful. He has a camera panel that he uses, and he's up quite a bit at night checking on things. Kids still don't have to be in their parents bedroom to accomplish this.

[noelle303]

 

 

 

I'll agree with you that if a kid is using formula, you'll have to watch that more closely for signs of digestive issues and allergies. Having babies sleep on their sides reduces the risk from regurgitation. I'm using breastmilk, so reactions to that are much less likely. And yes, kids will eat every 2-3 hours the first couple of months. My husband did almost all of the night feeding - he's usually up every couple of hours according to the schedule. My husband pretty much took any advice given after 1950 and rethought everything. With nearly a dozen kids, his method is working.

 

Much of today's child-centric parenting advice comes from Dr. Benjamin Spock, a left-leaning pediatrician who published his books starting in the late 1940's. Acceptance of that literature has increased parental permissiveness, and allowed children to expect instant gratification. I believe that permissive parenting and lack of boundaries are possible causes for the breakup of modern families, the rampant misbehavior of children, and the weakening of American society in general.

 

Breastfeeding kids and keeping a close eye on them in case they stop breathing in the middle of the night is permissive parenting?

 

By the way, all medical professionals recommend for kids to sleep on their backs due to risk of SIDS.

 

Yeah, call me a permissive mom, but I'm gonna make sure my kid survives her childhood. And is not traumatized by being locked in her room when she has a nightmare or needs comfort.

[Gaeta]

Life is tough...better to get tough early. That's reality. As strange as it sounds, I'm less concerned about being loving and more concerned about my children being successful. And that's not nearly as radical as how my mother raised me. .

 

 

I would prefer a child that is emotionally stable, that's what will allow him in turn to build family, make friends, nurture relationships of all kinds, and it also will make him sensitive to his aging parents. You're on your way to create sucessful children but they might not give a heck about you or anyone else. Somehow I doubt you worry about emotionally connecting with your children.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would prefer a child that is emotionally stable, that's what will allow him in turn to build family, make friends, nurture relationships of all kinds, and it also will make him sensitive to his aging parents. You're on your way to create sucessful children but they might not give a heck about you or anyone else. Somehow I doubt you worry about emotionally connecting with your children.

 

Yes.....and what is the definition of "success?" For me, success IS emotionally stable, happy adults. Part of that is knowing I will always be there for them no matter waht.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We already do that, although my husband is much more watchful. He has a camera panel that he uses, and he's up quite a bit at night checking on things. Kids still don't have to be in their parents bedroom to accomplish this.

 

That is true.

 

Also, my cousin's baby died of SIDS lying right next to her .

[major_merrick]

By the way, all medical professionals recommend for kids to sleep on their backs due to risk of SIDS.

 

Yeah, call me a permissive mom, but I'm gonna make sure my kid survives her childhood. And is not traumatized by being locked in her room when she has a nightmare or needs comfort.

 

 

The advice about side vs. back sleeping has flip-flopped multiple times over the past century. Basically - the folks in the white coats don't know. At a certain point, you make your choice based on common sense and stick with it.

 

 

Yes.....and what is the definition of "success?" For me, success IS emotionally stable, happy adults. Part of that is knowing I will always be there for them no matter waht.

 

 

I'm raising my daughter to be physically and mentally tough. Not as radical as the way I was raised, but she needs to be equipped for the uncertainty of the world. Mom isn't always there to kiss it and make it better. Things hurt. Things bleed. Life is scary. And someday, it is very likely that I will die. She's going to need to have the skills to face that, whether that happens at age 8 or at age 40, in a way that won't wreck her world.

 

Success in life is to be able to fight through the inevitable pain, take what you want from life, dominate your environment, and dominate those who oppose you. I want to make sure that whatever I do for my kids improves their chances at doing this, rather than emphasizing emotion.

 

 

That is true.

 

Also, my cousin's baby died of SIDS lying right next to her .

 

 

Very sad. And also goes to show that even if you are present in the same room, sometimes things are unavoidable.

 

 

 

My point is - having the baby in your bedroom does little to improve their chances in life, but can do quite a bit to keep a couple from being close to each other. The disadvantages of having your baby in another room can be offset by other techniques. The disadvantages of having kids in your bedroom simply cannot be offset. I make my choices based on gain vs loss.

[Gaeta]

T

Mom isn't always there to kiss it and make it better. Things hurt. Things bleed. Life is scary. And someday, it is very likely that I will die. She's going to need to have the skills to face that, whether that happens at age 8 or at age 40, in a way that won't wreck her world.

 

Success in life is to be able to fight through the inevitable pain, take what you want from life, dominate your environment, and dominate those who oppose you. I want to make sure that whatever I do for my kids improves their chances at doing this, rather than emphasizing emotion.

 

 

There is a difference between spoiling a child and being loving & fair.

 

 

 

Haven't you heard enough stories of adults in therapy because their mother wasn't nurturing. My boyfriend was raised by a dominating mother who hit him, locked him up, shamed him, and drilled him like a little soldier. He built up enough resentment toward her to last him a life time.