At what age should we let our son have his own room?

[anika99]

Kids who were not loved and nurtured in infancy and early childhood do not fare better in life than kids who were. Being tough on a small child doesn't make them tougher adults. It can turn them into insecure mal adjusted adults who wind up with countless issues due to never feeling bonded and secure with their parents.

 

Of course kids need boundaries, rules and discipline but it needs to be age appropriate. We're talking about infants here for God's sake! You think infants need to toughen up? You think babies need to learn that life is hard is scary? If a baby is going to grow into a healthy successful adult then the first thing they need to learn is that they are loved, secure and safe.

 

I speak from the experience of being raised by a mother who thought her sex life and fun should take priority over her child. I barely saw her as she let others take care of me so she could keep getting her grove on. Your damn right, my mother wasn't there to kiss me better. I grew up with a huge hole inside of me. I had abandonment issues and I was stunted emotionally because I hadn't been properly nurtured in infancy and young childhood.

 

Of course parents need to have intimacy and continue to make each other a priority even after the children come along but part of being an adult is being able to delay immediate gratification when necessary. I shared a room with my kids until they were each about a year old. I still had sex with their father but we did it in another room. If my baby was fussing, not sleeping well or not feeling well then sometimes maybe we just had to skip the sex for a night. Like does all of life revolve around sex? Geez, people are not going to die if they have to forgo sex from time to time.

[basil67]

I'm raising my daughter to be physically and mentally tough.

 

Encouraging resilience in a child is important. While there certainly is a time for "suck it up", bigger issues need a parent who gently and lovingly talks them through the issue and to help them realise it's not the end of the world. Kids need a soft place to fall.

 

If she doesn't have a softness in you to go to, she may end up posting all her issues on a board asking a group of strangers because she feels like she can't go to anyone in her real life. Wouldn't you rather she goes to you for love and help than to someone else?

 

And as someone else said, how will she learn empathy for others if you're not displaying it to her? And what if it's not her way to be physically and mentally tough? Would your goal to be change her from who she is?

[anika99]

There is a difference between spoiling a child and being loving & fair.

 

 

 

Haven't you heard enough stories of adults in therapy because their mother wasn't nurturing. My boyfriend was raised by a dominating mother who hit him, locked him up, shamed him, and drilled him like a little soldier. He built up enough resentment toward her to last him a life time.

 

100% true! Not only was I messed up from not being loved and nurtured and cared for by my mother, I tended to hook up with guys who were also not properly parented by their mothers and they were even more messed up than I was. They had anger issues, substance abuse problems, they were selfish and mean and unable to truly love anyone else.

 

The number one thing babies need emotionally is love and security.

[major_merrick]

You think infants need to toughen up? You think babies need to learn that life is hard is scary?

 

I speak from the experience of being raised by a mother who thought her sex life and fun should take priority over her child. I barely saw her as she let others take care of me so she could keep getting her grove on.

 

Geez, people are not going to die if they have to forgo sex from time to time.

 

I also come from a family that took absence to an extreme. My mother basically wasn't there. I survived, thrived, and took care of my younger sister. Oddly, my sister (who had more care than I did because I provided it) ended up being the messed up, nonfunctional one. People here have scolded me for continuing to rescue her from herself. I probably should have been tougher on her when she was young. I refuse to repeat those mistakes.

 

Everybody needs to toughen up. Even kids. But there's limits to that. MY daughter has everything from me that she could possibly want during the day, which is a good thing. But after bedtime, outside of scheduled checks, that's it unless there's some kind of emergency like an illness.

 

Perhaps sex isn't important for you. That's something to work out with your partner. For me, if I go 24 hours without sex, I'm pretty damn cranky and irrational. And that's bad for everybody, kids included. Adults need maintenance to do their best work. To get that, there's got to be boundaries so you don't mess things up.

 

 

Encouraging resilience in a child is important. While there certainly is a time for "suck it up", bigger issues need a parent who gently and lovingly talks them through the issue and to help them realise it's not the end of the world. Kids need a soft place to fall.

 

 

Kids can have a soft place to fall....but that doesn't have to include my bedroom. Again, boundaries. It isn't "all or nothing" you know, and most people don't live in a one-room cabin without doors. People act like not letting a kid into your bedroom and keeping toddlers in their bedrooms at night is a radical idea. I guess it shows how far left things in the US and other places have gone. It totally blows my mind.

 

 

One thought - who's usually the gentle parent in the family? In my household, I think it is actually my husband. Does it always have to be "tough father, soft mother" or can the dynamic reverse?

[basil67]

Kids can have a soft place to fall....but that doesn't have to include my bedroom. Again, boundaries. It isn't "all or nothing" you know, and most people don't live in a one-room cabin without doors. People act like not letting a kid into your bedroom and keeping toddlers in their bedrooms at night is a radical idea. I guess it shows how far left things in the US and other places have gone. It totally blows my mind.

 

 

One thought - who's usually the gentle parent in the family? In my household, I think it is actually my husband. Does it always have to be "tough father, soft mother" or can the dynamic reverse?

 

Actually, I think the idea of locking children in their room while the parents have sex just blew the rest of the suggestions out of the water when it comes to mind blowing.

 

Why does parenting have to have a gentle and a tough one? Our family has two gentle parents. And our daughter has grown to be extremely independent and resilient. You don't need to be tough to create resilience.

[Gaeta]

I also come from a family that took absence to an extreme. My mother basically wasn't there. I survived, thrived, and took care of my younger sister. Oddly, my sister (who had more care than I did because I provided it) ended up being the messed up, nonfunctional one. People here have scolded me for continuing to rescue her from herself. I probably should have been tougher on her when she was young. I refuse to repeat those mistakes.

So because this is what happened to your sister you figured it all out. Never came to you that your sister acts that way because she had an absent mother? Being nurtured by a big sister is valuble but it doesn't take go away the abandonnement of a mother.

[major_merrick]

The fact that so many here think that locking things up and establishing boundaries is inconceivable...explains a lot about why the modern world is the way it is.

 

Without boundaries, rules, and a way to enforce it, how do you teach kids the difference between "mine" and "yours?" How do you explain the existence of fences, gates, and private property? If this is how the Millennial generation (and the one that follows) has been raised, it explains so much to me! It explains why the younger people embrace socialism. It explains entitlement and bad behavior, and the emphasis of emotion over logic. It explains why the concept of privacy is dying, and why the young think nothing of letting the government track them, or post everything about themselves on Facebook for all to see.

If you like the current setup of the world, and you like the direction it is headed, raise your kids that way. Definitely not my cup of tea.

[basil67]

Merrick, we teach our kids this stuff by using words. We don't need to lock them in their rooms to teach ownership.

[Gaeta]

The fact that so many here think that locking things up and establishing boundaries is inconceivable...explains a lot about why the modern world is the way it is.

 

Without boundaries, rules, and a way to enforce it, how do you teach kids the difference between "mine" and "yours?"

 

Some of the things you say are mind blowing. First you teach children by being a model and explaning things to them. The lady in front of you at the grocery store drops a $20, you pick it up and gave it back to her, she thank you. Your child looking just had a lesson without you saying a word. You see an old man with a walker trying to enter a building with difficulty, you run in front of him and hold the door, boom! you've taught your child another life lesson.

 

 

 

You also explain to them that not all people are good and some are out there to take advantage of them so at night they need to lock their bike. They forget? too bad, bike is gone, lesson learn.

 

 

 

Here are 3 life lessons taught to your child without the need to lock him up in his bedroom.

 

 

 

Let me remind you it's because we live in a modern world that you are able to be in a poly relationship without people throwing eggs at your house. The world change and it's normal, my grand-parents thought my mother mini-shirt was a call to the devil, my mom thought my mascara 17 was unacceptable and teasing, thank god we evolved beyond that.

[anika99]

Kids can have a soft place to fall....but that doesn't have to include my bedroom. Again, boundaries. It isn't "all or nothing" you know, and most people don't live in a one-room cabin without doors. People act like not letting a kid into your bedroom and keeping toddlers in their bedrooms at night is a radical idea. I guess it shows how far left things in the US and other places have gone. It totally blows my mind.

 

 

One thought - who's usually the gentle parent in the family? In my household, I think it is actually my husband. Does it always have to be "tough father, soft mother" or can the dynamic reverse?

 

You're right, it isn't all or nothing. You're the one drawing a hard line in the sand regarding parenting. I didn't always prioritize my children over my primary relationship. We had date nights when my mom would keep the kids overnight and we'd go at it like rabbits all over the house for hours. Sometimes we'd be tearing each others clothes off during the kids naptime. Your sarcastic remark about sex not being important to me missed it's mark because I've always loved having sex with the man I love. But as you say, it isn't all or nothing. I could comfort and care for my children and still make sure my relationship included sexual intimacy. Having an infant sharing in the bedroom doesn't automatically mean that a marriage is devoid of intimacy. Or if, God forbid, sex is missed for a night or two because the baby is up not feeling well or one of the parents needs to catch up on sleep a loving, committed, respectful relationship should be able to sustain that.

 

You can be a loving nurturing loving gentle parent and still teach your child rules and respect. You can have a loving intimate sexual relationship with your husband and still be available to your child whenever they need you. As you say, it isn't all or nothing. Priorities are based on needs. Babies are very needy and deserve to have both their physical and emotional needs met in infancy. Parents are supposed to be adults who can sometimes sacrifice their own wants for the good of their children. You sound like you expect your children to make sacrifices for your happiness rather than the other way around. I'm kind of glad that there are other people in your household that take care of your baby because you don't sound mature or maternal enough to be solely responsible for a child. I don't mean to sound insulting but I just get the impression that you have not truly bonded with your baby.

 

I'm no millennial. I'm generation x. My children are millennials who have grown up to be fine independent men and they are taking great care of their own children now. They are not weak men. They are hardworking adults who both left home before they were twenty and never asked me for anything.

 

But you reminded me of a guy I dated for a couple of years when my kids were both in elementary school. We used to argue about my kids all the time because he thought I was too soft on them. He hated when I would let them sit on my lap. He had been raised by a cold hard mother who had never showed her children softness or affection. She didn't abuse them or neglect them. She worked hard, kept a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food in their bellies, but she just didn't do affection. She didn't hug her children, she didn't ever praise them, she didn't have any patience for tears or hurts. So this guy thought the way I treated my boys was downright appalling! I was always hugging and kissing them, telling them I loved them, cuddling on the couch with them so we could watch movies or read stories. He told me countless times that I was spoiling them, that they were never amount to anything, that they were going to be sissy men when they grew up. I broke up with that guy for numerous reasons, mostly because I felt like he didn't know how to love.

 

Twenty years later he and I reconnected as friends and I learned that his problems went much deeper than I even knew. He was a drug addict when I was dating him and I never knew because he hid it so well. Told me he got into drugs as a way to self medicate his emotional wounds and depression. After we broke up he had a couple of more relationships that never went anywhere good because of his issues. Eventually his life spiralled into him becoming homeless and committing petty crimes and going to jail. When we became friends years later he actually apologized to me for the way he used to pick on my parenting style. He thought I was ruining my kids and that his mother's parenting style was better but was forced to reconsider when he realized that he didn't turn out so good, meanwhile the kids he thought were being spoiled had grown into healthy successful adults.

 

And I'm not tooting my own horn. I made mistakes as a parent, lots of mistakes. I had to work hard for little money. I was stressed and short tempered sometimes. Sometimes I was immature and selfish. Sometimes I was emotionally absent and mentally unwell. I regret a lot when it comes to my kids but one thing I have never once regretted was being too loving or too gentle or too available. If I could go back and do it all again I would love them 10 times harder.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Cornputer]

As strange as it sounds, I'm less concerned about being loving and more concerned about my children being successful.

 

Hi Merrick,

 

I am a child of a mother who did not show much love or care at all (I was left very neglected), while her and my father pushed me to build a career (which I now have, a very successful one, at 20 only).

 

Life today is tough - I have no real friends, I was in a very abusive relationship since 14, I took his lies for love that I never received and would not let go of it. I am a loner, I hurt a lot and am lost without a direction. I drive nice cars and motorcycles because I can allow it after becoming successful this early on, but guess what, I don't want any of it! I often wish I was normal, able to develop connections with people. Usually I don't really care about anyone, feels like I'm unable to.

 

Children left without love while they are growing up and being introduced to the world will struggle tremendously later in life. I am just giving you the perspective of one child just like that, please do love on your kids and help them feel safe, they do not have to go through the hardships you did.

[amaysngrace]

My newborns slept in a cradle, the same one I slept in as a newborn. It has a wooden peg to plug it and hold it steady that once removed allows the cradle to gently rock. They were moved to their crib in their own room once they outgrew the cradle. So maybe around two or three months of age.

 

I always used a baby monitor once they went into their own rooms.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

dominate your environment

 

This was never a parenting goal of mine. In fact, I'd like my kids to not be seen as people who have a need to dominate their environments. Different strokes for different folks. I just hope your kids have a natural bend toward this or they are going to struggle their entire lives with not being who you want them to be.

[amaysngrace]

In fact, I'd like my kids to not be seen as people who have a need to dominate their environments. Different strokes for different folks.

 

Same. I love how different and individual each of my children are. They’re all very independent as young adults, although the two not through college depend on me just a bit, lol, but my oldest (who turned 27 two weeks ago) just paid for much of his own wedding that lasted a weekend and covered over 180 people. And he hasn’t lived at home in almost three years.

 

He’s not trying to dominate his environment but he’s doing a pretty good job at dominating his life. He owns that really well, on a plane with his wife to the Dominican Republic for ten days as I type!

 

I’m sure the wedding just would not have been the same without the 180+ people who showed up to celebrate their Big Day with them which was evident by how much effort they put into making sure their guests were well taken care of from dinner on Friday to breakfast on Sunday, and the shuttles they had that brought everyone to and from the hotel and the six hour open bar wedding reception they hosted as well.

 

They’re not about power, they’re about love and have a really healthy balance of give and take which allows then to fit in this world real well. And as a mom, nothing could please me more. :love:

 

Most parents just want their children to be happy, when they are children but also as adults.

[Veronica73]

The fact that so many here think that locking things up and establishing boundaries is inconceivable...explains a lot about why the modern world is the way it is.

 

Without boundaries, rules, and a way to enforce it, how do you teach kids the difference between "mine" and "yours?" How do you explain the existence of fences, gates, and private property? If this is how the Millennial generation (and the one that follows) has been raised, it explains so much to me! It explains why the younger people embrace socialism. It explains entitlement and bad behavior, and the emphasis of emotion over logic. It explains why the concept of privacy is dying, and why the young think nothing of letting the government track them, or post everything about themselves on Facebook for all to see.

If you like the current setup of the world, and you like the direction it is headed, raise your kids that way. Definitely not my cup of tea.

 

This is a truly bizarre post to read in a thread about when to have a baby sleep in their own room!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm curious what happens when, as these children age and come to the age of maturity, one (or more) of them decide that this type of childhood was abusive, a cult, etc and they want nothing to do with it?

 

Have you read the book Educated by Tara Westover? Maybe something like that.

[BettyDraper]

The fact that so many here think that locking things up and establishing boundaries is inconceivable...explains a lot about why the modern world is the way it is.

 

Without boundaries, rules, and a way to enforce it, how do you teach kids the difference between "mine" and "yours?" How do you explain the existence of fences, gates, and private property? If this is how the Millennial generation (and the one that follows) has been raised, it explains so much to me! It explains why the younger people embrace socialism. It explains entitlement and bad behavior, and the emphasis of emotion over logic. It explains why the concept of privacy is dying, and why the young think nothing of letting the government track them, or post everything about themselves on Facebook for all to see.

If you like the current setup of the world, and you like the direction it is headed, raise your kids that way. Definitely not my cup of tea.

 

I'm not a parent so I don't have a dog in this fight.

 

I'm just going to say that I agree with you to some extent.

Modern parents coddle their children and then wonder why they have an unemployed 40 year old living in their basement.

 

Nevertheless, I do think there is a middle ground. It must be hard for parents to determine where to draw lines.

[BettyDraper]

But you reminded me of a guy I dated for a couple of years when my kids were both in elementary school. We used to argue about my kids all the time because he thought I was too soft on them. He hated when I would let them sit on my lap. He had been raised by a cold hard mother who had never showed her children softness or affection. She didn't abuse them or neglect them. She worked hard, kept a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food in their bellies, but she just didn't do affection. She didn't hug her children, she didn't ever praise them, she didn't have any patience for tears or hurts. So this guy thought the way I treated my boys was downright appalling! I was always hugging and kissing them, telling them I loved them, cuddling on the couch with them so we could watch movies or read stories. He told me countless times that I was spoiling them, that they were never amount to anything, that they were going to be sissy men when they grew up. I broke up with that guy for numerous reasons, mostly because I felt like he didn't know how to love.

 

Twenty years later he and I reconnected as friends and I learned that his problems went much deeper than I even knew. He was a drug addict when I was dating him and I never knew because he hid it so well. Told me he got into drugs as a way to self medicate his emotional wounds and depression. After we broke up he had a couple of more relationships that never went anywhere good because of his issues. Eventually his life spiralled into him becoming homeless and committing petty crimes and going to jail. When we became friends years later he actually apologized to me for the way he used to pick on my parenting style. He thought I was ruining my kids and that his mother's parenting style was better but was forced to reconsider when he realized that he didn't turn out so good, meanwhile the kids he thought were being spoiled had grown into healthy successful adults.

 

It sounds like you have reflected on your parenting and raised fine men.

You should be proud of yourself.

 

My husband came from a similar environment as your ex. There was no affection or praise. His mother put him down every chance she had. Long before we met, my husband's psychological issues led him down a dark path of drinking and drug use. He was sober for over a year when we came into each other's lives.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hear, hear, WB!

[amaysngrace]

Nevertheless, I do think there is a middle ground. It must be hard for parents to determine where to draw lines.

 

Not really. You keep what’s in their best interest as your primary focus and go from there, just like the person who started this thread was probably doing when they asked the question.

 

I don’t know how it devolved into fearing the government and putting children in a locked room because the world being social is a tragedy but whatevs.

 

Maybe the mom who posted it up thinks that’s in her kids’ best interest to lock them up and tell them how much life sucks. I really don’t know.

 

All I do know is my babies went into the crib when they outgrew the cradle.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

All I do know is my babies went into the crib when they outgrew the cradle.

 

My first child slept in her swing for the first two months. We went through a ton of batteries! Talk about coddling.....

 

BTW, congrats on the new DIL!

[BettyDraper]

The thing is, babies/infants cannot be "coddled".

 

You, literally, cannot hold, cuddle, love, etc. an infant "too much". There is what is known as the "fourth trimester" for a reason. Human beings, physiologically, are one of the most immature and dependent mammals to be birthed due to the size of a woman vs. the size of a fetus.

 

Studies have shown that keeping a baby in the same room as the parents in either a crib or a bassinet/cosleeper reduces the risk of SIDS. The recommendation is a minimum of 4 months, preferably 6-12 months.

 

The same studies also show that babies and parents may not sleep as deeply or as long with this arrangement (but there is debate as to whether or not that helps reduce the SIDS risk and whether babies are meant to sleep all night long)

 

I wasn't talking about babies when I mentioned coddling. I thought that was clear. I also agree with your statement about a toddler being a baby in many ways.

 

You are not obligated to defend your parenting methods. I believe that most parents do their best with what they think is right.

 

For the record, I slept in a bassinet next to my parents' bed for the first few months of my life. As a toddler, I also slept with my parents during a period of serious illness; they needed to be able to jump up and take me to the emergency room if necessary. My mother stayed home with me for longer than the allotted mat leave time because I was a clingy baby. However, she did not allow me to lead weaning nor did she practice baby wearing.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[BettyDraper]

When I use the word "coddling", I'm speaking of parents who do not allow their children to develop independence. They also allow their children to rule them by letting the children make every decision in the household. There is a lack of respect for authority and no consequences for unacceptable behavior. I used the word "children" and not infants in each post where I mentioned coddling.

 

One of my cousins has a four year old son. He screams his demands at her and she complies with them. The little boy is also very rude to others as well; lots of shouting nasty comments. He does not feed himself because he doesn't like getting his hands dirty; my cousin's son is quite capable of feeding himself but his mother does it for him. My cousin buys her son everything he asks for. On the rare occasions that she says no, her son throws tantrums and calls his mother names. My cousin's son also demands that his mother push him in a stroller even though he can walk. My cousin complies with this demand.

 

Maybe I sound like a stupid woman because I don't have children....but I don't think that ANY aspect of that parent/child dynamic is healthy. It is a perfect example of the coddling I was speaking of.

[BettyDraper]

I’d be willing to gamble that a 4 year old boy that doesn’t want to eat or walk on his own is likely on the autism spectrum. That’s not typical behavior for a preschool boy...spoiled or not.

 

Her son's pediatrician has suggested a developmental challenge. My cousin has had her son evaluated by a professional. He is perfectly normal...just a spoiled brat.

 

My cousin says that her son "calls a lot of shots" because she loves him so much and she loves to see him smile.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe I sound like a stupid woman because I don't have children....

 

Not to me!