d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I have a friend who I have been worried about for years. I watched as her drinking got worse & worse. Sadly I found myself having to disconnect from her because it was just too much. Anyway several weeks ago she seemed to go off the grid. Many other mutual friends were also asking me if I'd seen or heard from her. I reached out to her BF, one of her brothers & her mom. They all said she was fine & would call me soon. She didn't & I grew worried. Yesterday I got word that she was just coming out of an inpatient rehab & had been sober for 60 days! I immediately text back congratulations, I'm so proud of you & I love you. She expressed gratitude for my love & understanding but didn't elaborate. I know from her brother who has been sober for 20 years that in the initial year, I will have to back off because I am somebody that she drank & partied with. Her brother assures me that I will be one of the 1st friends brought back because I have also been part of her non-drinking life. I generally don't drink around her brother. I really would love to see my friend & celebrate with her. I miss her so much. That drunk person she'd become was no fun at all. Anyway I invited her to attend Mass with me on Sunday. I'm a lector (somebody who has a formal role in the liturgy). I thought it might be a nice, low key way to see my friend without the pressure of it being social. She & I are of the same faith & have attended services together since we were 7. I'm not pushing a religious agenda. Plus I am aware that AA incorporates your higher power. I was also thinking about sending her a gift to say job well done. I am just so excited for her but I don't want to push or put more pressure on her. I want to be supportive. I also suck & sitting back. For those in recovery or anybody who has supported somebody else through this process, what can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I was also thinking about sending her a gift to say job well done. I am just so excited for her but I don't want to push or put more pressure on her. I want to be supportive. I also suck & sitting back. For those in recovery or anybody who has supported somebody else through this process, what can I do? It sounds like you've done what you can –– you reached out to let her know that you're a true friend and want to support her recovery. It's up to her to decide when/if to accept. As her brother said, people in the early stages of recovery are extremely vulnerable and have to be careful about who is allowed into their inner circle. Since you drank with her and then disconnected it's understandable that you wouldn't be on speed dial for recovery support. Your gracious intentions and her needs are coming from different perspectives. You need to respect that by allowing it to be her choice. I'd say do not send a gift (could be interpreted as implied obligation), but maybe an occasional card simply letting her know that you're there for her when the time is right –– for her. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Getting out of rehab is just the beginning. It’s so much harder staying sober. Many former addicts get into relapse. I wouldn’t be over the top in my “support”. Paradoxically, the best enablers are often those who are very understanding. It is a well known fact that addicts only truly quit when they hit rock bottom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 Getting out of rehab is just the beginning. It’s so much harder staying sober. Many former addicts get into relapse. I wouldn’t be over the top in my “support”. Paradoxically, the best enablers are often those who are very understanding. It is a well known fact that addicts only truly quit when they hit rock bottom. She passed rock bottom years ago & kept digging. I did two big enabling things involving legal representation when she got her DWIs but I have not been that "supportive" in 20 years. I don't clean up the puke or the broken bottles. I have picked her from the hospital & jail but so have many others. I reminded her that her companies were right to fire her when she habitually showed up late & too hung over to work. I have taken her keys away more times then I can count back to when we 1st got drivers' licenses. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Anyway I invited her to attend Mass with me on Sunday. I'm a lector (somebody who has a formal role in the liturgy). I thought it might be a nice, low key way to see my friend without the pressure of it being social. She & I are of the same faith & have attended services together since we were 7. I'm not pushing a religious agenda. Plus I am aware that AA incorporates your higher power. I was also thinking about sending her a gift to say job well done. I am just so excited for her but I don't want to push or put more pressure on her. I want to be supportive. I also suck & sitting back. My gut instinct? Too much too soon. There's a whole set of logistics and practicalities to be dealt with out of rehab, let her get those out of the way. Since you're in touch with her brother, let him know you'd love to attend a family event down the road that includes her. That would be a more low-key setting as opposed to her being your invited guest. Small steps for both of you... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 My best friend is an AA leader, sober nearly 30 years. Being in AA and getting sober is kind of something you have to do on your own, that other people can't help that much with. I mean, it's good if you don't drink around them, of course, but eventually, they have to get to where they can handle that. That takes a long time. She is newly sober. She will be somewhat overwhelmed emotionally for quite some time to come because she's been anesthetizing all this time to avoid confronting her problems, her issues, and I know for sure it stunts you in your development. She may have the mindset of a college girl and be quite annoying in her idealistic or reactionary thinking, depending how long this has been going on. It's like having arrested development. She will have maturation to do that will take just as long as it does when it should have been done if her life had been normal. Meanwhile, a whole lot of them don't make it. One ex of mine was friendly while he was in AA after ruining his marriage with his alcohol addiction, and I was proud of him and let him know -- so when he fell off the wagon, he avoided me entirely. So yes, there is such a thing as being too excited about their what may be temporary sobriety. Same thing happened with my sister. Her old friend got bad and then got sober and she interacted with him more and he knew she didn't like him drunk, but then disappeared for years when he couldn't stay sober rather than facing her. So just take it easy. Do invite her. Don't fawn over her. Keep it low key. "Wow, you're doing a lot. I know it's not easy." A little praise for her trying, understanding that you know it's difficult. So that she doesn't feel she has to avoid if she falls back. According to my friend, it never becomes easy to stay sober. It truly is one day at a time. And as medical problems arise, things complicate sobriety, like pain killers, etc. It's just a challenge. Acknowledge her challenge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 Donnivan, I'll be your friend and go to Mass with you instead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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