Second chance, Need to erase his past.

[MyWorldView]

My ex and I have been back together for about a year. He came back to me asking me to take him back, that he was wrong and it was the biggest mistake of his life. I never stopped loving him so it was easy for me to say yes, but I took baby steps. We were separated for 3 years and I dated but did not have a serious relationship, but he had a long term girlfriend. 2.5 yrs.

 

We are getting closer and starting to talk about marriage, but sometimes I have a tough time getting over the fact that he had a serious relationship when I spent most of my time trying to get over him. I found little love notes and cards from her in his apt and some pieces of clothing. When I told him about it, he threw them all away immediately. I also found things that I gave him many years ago that he kept out in the open. Some art work that I painted.

 

The one thing that I found that I have a hard time with is a picture card of them with the words 'You mean the world to me' in his handwriting.

 

He says that they had bad arguments, some times she locked herself in the bathroom. She also broke a small statue he had when she was mad. He called the cops then to remove her and that's when he ended it.

 

I wonder why he kept trying with her, it doesn't make sense to me. If breaking up with me was the biggest mistake why not just try to reconcile with me than wasting time with trying to fix her.

 

He's 47, I am 43. She's 33 (i think)

Edited May 4, 2019 by MyWorldView

[kathsil]

Maybe he needed that experience with her to learn some personal lessons that have nothing to do with you?

 

Enjoy your time with him and don't worry about his ex. It's the EX.

Edited May 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

at his age, he will have made mistakes, bound to, in fact

[d0nnivain]

She is in the past. He's with you now. When he broke up with her he was free to date anybody. He came back to you. That says a lot. Focus on that.

[JuneL]

It would have been more sensitive of him to get rid of those things before you saw them.

[elaine567]

One of the reasons second chances don't work out well is that people tend to have a hard time getting over the fact that either one or both dated other people during the break.

It interferes with the idea of the "love story".

Here he dumped you and whilst you were pining for him and hoping you would get back together, he had moved on to a younger model...

When he exhausted all avenues with her, he comes back to you. I guess he kept trying with her despite the arguments, because a)she is 14 years younger b) the sex was good c) he loved her.

 

This situation is good for him.

He dumped you, he swiftly moved on, it went pear shaped, he then picked you up again relatively unsullied as you spent the time apart waiting for him... He is feeling validated, secure and in control.

 

Its not so good for you. You are not feeling so secure and in control.

[preraph]

Think back. New relationships are always more hopeful, more exciting, more emotional because there is the big hope until things turn real. I wouldn't worry much about her at this point, but clearly he can move on quickly and he may have enjoyed being able to sleep with different women, as most men do. Just be realistic. And vigilant. And be sure you don't give him permission to do anything you could not live with.

[MyWorldView]

She is in the past. He's with you now. When he broke up with her he was free to date anybody. He came back to you. That says a lot. Focus on that.

 

I do try to focus on that, especially because I feel that our dynamic is different now. It's just moments that she crops up like when he references something he did while we were broken up a trip and says 'we', I know he's talking about her. It's getting better.

[JuneL]

I do try to focus on that, especially because I feel that our dynamic is different now. It's just moments that she crops up like when he references something he did while we were broken up a trip and says 'we', I know he's talking about her. It's getting better.

 

Again, there’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing on his part.

[MyWorldView]

ing for him and hoping you would get back together, he had moved on to a younger model...

When he exhausted all avenues with her, he comes back to you. I guess he kept trying with her despite the arguments, because a)she is 14 years younger b) the sex was good c) he loved her.

 

This situation is good for him.

He dumped you, he swiftly moved on, it went pear shaped, he then picked you up again relatively unsullied as you spent the time apart waiting for him... He is feeling validated, secure and in control.

 

Its not so good for you. You are not feeling so secure and in control.

 

You speak more truth than you know. She and I are both biracial (He is white) and on more than one occasion one of his friends slipped up and called me by her name, both our first names start with the same initial. *AND* we belonged to the same women's organization, but she was more active in the club than I.

 

I was feeling very insecure in the beginning for that reason, she is essentially a younger version of me.

[MyWorldView]

It would have been more sensitive of him to get rid of those things before you saw them.

 

In his defense, I found these things while helping look for some legal documentation one day. They were not on display. They were boxed up in his closet.

[MyWorldView]

Think back. New relationships are always more hopeful, more exciting, more emotional because there is the big hope until things turn real. I wouldn't worry much about her at this point, but clearly he can move on quickly and he may have enjoyed being able to sleep with different women, as most men do. Just be realistic. And vigilant. And be sure you don't give him permission to do anything you could not live with.

 

Expand a little more on what you mean by ' give him permission to do anything you could not live with'?

[MyWorldView]

Maybe he needed that experience with her to learn some personal lessons that have nothing to do with you?

 

Enjoy your time with him and don't worry about his ex. It's the EX.

 

When he first came back to me, he said that I was the only woman he was ever with that he doesn't have to explain everything. That we really understand each other and that our chemistry is nothing like he's ever had. Also, he is divorced with a 14 year old and at the time we met, he had been divorced for 2 yrs. His wife is a beautiful woman but unbalanced. I met her a few times and it wasn't pretty.

[basil67]

My gut feeling is that he simply can't be alone. I am worried that he's returned because he can't bear not being in a relationship.

 

When he said that he doesn't have to explain everything, does this mean that you asked him about it all and he's putting up a wall so that he doesn't have to answer? If so, you have every right to ask for full explanations before considering getting back together again. If he's not opening up, it's because he has things which he doesn't want you to know.

[Sunlight72]

You speak more truth than you know. She and I are both ....

....she is essentially a younger version of me.

To me, this is encouraging in what you mean to him.

 

You don't say why you and he split up, but just from this statement ^^^ it seems that he wanted you, except something wasn't just right between you, and so he went searching and found you again (he thought) in this other woman. Eventually he figured out it was the real you he wants and fits best with. Also, it's possible as kathsil said, that in the experience without you in his life he has learned something about himself that makes you & he better together a) than he realized before, or b) now that he has grown in some specific way that took off a rough edge that chafed with you.

My gut feeling is that he simply can't be alone. I am worried that he's returned because he can't bear not being in a relationship....

Well, maybe. I don't think so, but... OP - how did he present himself to you to win you back? Do you think he had been pining for you during the last months of his in-between relationship? Or did he just break up with her, and then wonder where he could find an easy pick-up, and there you were?

 

My first impression is that if you have now been back together for a whole year, you would be clearly able to tell if he wants to be with you specifically, or if you were just a convenient woman to plug into his 'relationship spot'.

[MyWorldView]

My gut feeling is that he simply can't be alone. I am worried that he's returned because he can't bear not being in a relationship.

 

When he said that he doesn't have to explain everything, does this mean that you asked him about it all and he's putting up a wall so that he doesn't have to answer? If so, you have every right to ask for full explanations before considering getting back together again. If he's not opening up, it's because he has things which he doesn't want you to know.

 

No wall. He was very honest with me about the relationship with her. On more than one occasion he told me that we 'get just each other'. That our conversations flow because we are on similar intellectual levels. He says their arguments stemmed from them not being intellectually compatible. That she was cool and they had fun together but their life values and concepts clashed a lot. I think the age difference had something to do with it as well.

[MyWorldView]

To me, this is encouraging in what you mean to him.

 

You don't say why you and he split up, but just from this statement ^^^ it seems that he wanted you, except something wasn't just right between you, and so he went searching and found you again (he thought) in this other woman. OP - how did he present himself to you to win you back? Do you think he had been pining for you during the last months of his in-between relationship? Or did he just break up with her, and then wonder where he could find an easy pick-up, and there you were?

 

My first impression is that if you have now been back together for a whole year, you would be clearly able to tell if he wants to be with you specifically, or if you were just a convenient woman to plug into his 'relationship spot'.

 

We broke up because I was ready to get married and he wasn't. He said that he wanted the best for me, and at that time, he couldn't give it. He had been married for 12 years when I met him (divorced for 2) and it was toxic. I've met the ex wife, she is beautiful but not a nice person.

 

I asked him that exact thing, if I was convenient to return to but he said that he never stopped thinking about or loving me. While we were broken up, he would call, text or send emails every few weeks to say hi or send me a lead for work (I'm a freelance artist). He still had my paintings hanging in his apartment after we broke up. In the first few months after we broke up, he called my good friend a few times to see how I was doing because he didn't think I'd want to hear from him. Over the years the communication became a bit more friendly, but we never crossed the line. At the end 2017 he invited me to an event that we used to go to together. That's when he broke down and apologized profusely for breaking my heart and asked me to give him another chance.

Edited May 5, 2019 by MyWorldView

[elaine567]

You say "we" are talking about getting married, who is really doing the talking and how far has it progressed?

[MyWorldView]

We both talk about it, but in the first conversation we had when he asked me to take him back, he said that he knew he was not ready for marriage before but now he is. We've been discussing a timeline, because we have friends and family that are engaged who already have dates set, so we trying to figure out when to do it. Also, we started a wedding account two months ago. He deposits money every week. I am freelancer so my income is not weekly.

[MyWorldView]

Yesterday we had a slight misunderstanding while cooking dinner. It was clear that I was frustrated and he became very concerned that we were not on the same page and said, 'I want to make sure we agree on what's being said, because I f** up before and lost you and I never want that to happen again.'

[preraph]

Expand a little more on what you mean by ' give him permission to do anything you could not live with'?

 

I mean keep telling him when something is bothering you. Don't act like the relationship is delicate and that you must treat him with kid gloves. Freely express yourself if he is insensitive or does anything suspicious, and don't wait until later. Do it right then. Don't do anything to prolong this relationship for the sake of prolonging it. It will either work or not. So be honest and call him out on things that don't sit well with you and see if it's going to work or not. He may well be still looking for yet another younger version of you.

[Foxhall]

the obvious answer I suspect is the correct one,

 

 

He is 47, the other party is 33, he wanted a younger woman, or was at least uplifted by the thoughts of it. however that brought different problems and he is happy to settle now again for the tried and trusted. well he probably does genuinely care about you, but all men are open to temptation at the end of the day and that is going to be at the back of your mind.

[MyWorldView]

Technically she is not the other woman, as he dated her while we were broken up. However, sometimes I feel bad for her. Is that strange?

 

They were in a 2.5 yr relationship and as he puts it, they talked about a future. He is honest and says it was serious but he tells me that they had one too many violent arguments and nothing changed, the final one was when she intentionally broke one of his possessions during heated argument. From all the the social media cuteness I saw between them, I can't help but think that she is really hurt. It was more her than him from what I can see, but I guess that might be a woman vs. man thing.

 

I don't know if she realized that the paintings in his apt were mine. That when I was downsizing I gave him some of my furniture. It was mostly small tables and chairs. That he still had a badge with my picture on it that said 'I am with her' from one of my gallery openings. Also, I was still working with his brother on artistic endeavors (he's an independent producer). He came to my 40th birthday party. I invited him but I did not know he had a gf at the time and he never mentioned it. He ended up staying after everyone left and we talked for hours, but nothing inappropriate.

 

I posted in another forum that I'm having a hard time getting past the fact that he 'dared' to have a serious relationship in the time we weren't together, but I think about this a bit too. I'm 43, she's 33 and he's 47.

 

I am strange?

Edited May 13, 2019 by MyWorldView

[LivingWaterPlease]

You say they had a 2.5 year relationship? And it happened while you were broken up with him?

 

So you dated and got back together after years of being apart?

[basil67]

Strange or not, you feel what you feel. However, I can't see any reason to feel bad for her. It was a relationship which ended - happens to most of us.