Trying my best to fall back in love, but it's not working

[rockyb]

This is long, so I want to thank everyone who reads this, in advance!

 

 

My husband and I our in our mid twenties. We've been together for 5 years, married for two of those years. We do NOT have children, but do have some pets and a house together. All other finances are separate.

 

 

 

My husband is kind and helpful. He has an okay job, and no major vices.

 

 

 

Over the last 6-8 months or so, I've felt less and less for him, to the point of considering a separation, for the following reasons:

-Our sex life has never been great, and right now is downright atrocious (see below for more on that)

-We have vastly different personalities--him being meek and mild to the point of being a turnoff

-I just have a feeling I can't shake, that this has kind of run its course. I never felt super excited to be married in the first place, but just chalked it up to me being a relatively calm and no-nonsense person.

 

 

 

We've discussed our future, and have agreed to try to work on it. I've been trying really hard in many ways (I'll spare you the list) to try and reignite my feelings for him, but it's not working. In the meantime, I feel like he hasn't really tried at all.

 

 

He was a virgin when I met him, and I was his first official relationship. I'm not blaming him for being inexperienced, but we've talked about what we can try, countless times, and over 5 years our sex life has just gotten worse. He won't tell me what he likes, or what I can do to make it more pleasurable for him. On the flip side, I've given him gentle but clear advice, and it has never ever worked.

 

 

 

I won't get into the explicit details, but our last sexual encounter actually left me grimacing all the way through, and crying at the end. He came back to the bedroom after cleaning up, looks at me (as I'm crying) and said "I think that went a lot better than the last few times, don't you?" At that point, I got angry because it was so very obvious how terrible it was for me. I CALMLY told him the reasons why I didn't enjoy it, and he got huffy, frustrated, and defensive. How could someone I've been with for 5 years be so oblivious?

 

 

 

Looking outside of our relationship, I have a modest number of friends, a good relationship with my family, and am lucky enough to have a job that I love, with colleagues that I really click with. He does not keep in touch with his friends, isn't happy with his job, and gets upset when I do too much with my girlfriends (like see them twice in two weeks--wow terrible I know!). I am pretty much his life outside of work.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, while there is no "other man," I can't help but have the "grass is greener" syndrome when I see and interact with coworkers on a daily basis that I just have so much more chemistry with. I feel almost nothing for my husband besides friendship, at this point. The guilt about those feelings is driving me insane. While we do have problems, he is a good guy, and deserves someone who adores him.

 

 

 

I guess I don't really have a concrete question for this forum. I'm just at my wits end, feeling guilty and terrible, and wondering what to do. These feelings have been popping up for over half a year, and the thoughts of separation/divorce have been torturing me for the last three months at least. I don't want to make a mistake, but I don't want to be stuck in a near sexless/terrible sex, boring relationship for the rest of my life. I also am afraid of waiting it out and realizing my gut feeling was right all along.

 

 

 

I know internet strangers can't make my decisions for me, but what do you suggest? A trial separation? Counseling? An open marriage? I don't know.

[JuneL]

I don’t see the marriage working. Count yourself lucky that you don’t have kids together. Get a divorce before things get much more complicated when you bring kids in the picture.

[Turning point]

You're young, and seem to have tied the knot too soon. You're spouse doesn't know what he doesn't know and as a result can't even appreciate how much he may fall short.

 

You may have jumped too quick as well - too young to fully appreciate how important all this life experience and self determination really is to a marital relationship. You have a fulfilling job, friends you connect with, etc. You are GROWING as a person - which means your needs grow too.

 

If your spouse isn't also growing then he will continue to be less and less interesting to you. He's not a student and you can't be his teacher - it won't get better this way (and I'm not talking about the sex.)

 

Great sex develops out of passion. Passion develops when we are able to view the other person being all that they are and can be in this world. They don't have to be the greatest lover to evoke our passion - but they do have to be greatest version of themselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

A trial separation? Counseling? An open marriage? I don't know.

 

I'd strike two from your list now. An open marriage just causes more problems and a separation is just a trial divorce. Doesn't sound like you need the practice.

 

I do feel for him, almost seems as you set him up to fail. Know you didn't do this on purpose, but choosing a virgin when your needs are more defined and then marrying despite lukewarm feelings is not a recipe for success. You date to establish attraction and compatibility and in some important ways you're 0 for 2. No wonder he's confused and defensive.

 

Counseling only works if you're willing to do the hard work. Can't help but wonder if you have it in you to put in the time and effort. If no, simply best to make a quick, clean and (as much as possible) kind break...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rotaglia]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It has to be very tough on you. There is no magic formula for creating intimacy in this scenario. If the two of you are going to have a shot at making your marriage work it will likely entail professional help.

[What_Did_I_Do]

 

I do feel for him, almost seems as you set him up to fail.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky, I usually agree with you 99.99% of the time except in this situation.

 

When xH and I married so long ago, the months and years prior to the wedding day is still about discovering each other, planning the 'big day', everything is new and exciting. We were very young and I had noticed some differences in our views, thoughts, physical attraction (I was way more amorous *wink wink* than he was) but I dismissed those niggling feelings. Thought they would all work out as our marriage progressed. Turns out they didn't and neither of us were equipped to deal with the problems.

 

OP, you really have one of two choices, love and accept your H for who he is and all of his good and bad qualities (we all have them) or step up and end the M before this gets too far down the road.

 

It will be a lot of work either way.

[Mr. Lucky]

When xH and I married so long ago, the months and years prior to the wedding day is still about discovering each other, planning the 'big day', everything is new and exciting. We were very young and I had noticed some differences in our views, thoughts, physical attraction (I was way more amorous *wink wink* than he was) but I dismissed those niggling feelings. Thought they would all work out as our marriage progressed. Turns out they didn't and neither of us were equipped to deal with the problems.

 

Well What_Did_I_Do, sounds like we booked tickets on the same marital cruise. I'm outgoing, like to do stuff, my ex was an introvert. I'm adventurous *wink wink*, she most definitely was not.

 

So in terms of "planning to fail", I'm guilty as charged. And I do see the same errors in the OP's approach, those differences typically become bigger rather than smaller as time goes by.

 

The only thing I'll say in my defense is, given a second chance, I got it right. Happily remarried now for 30+ years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Marriage with him isn't going to work for you. He's too weak for you. Sometimes weak guys are a relief especially if like me, you're set in your ways and kind of lead, and it's hard to find the right balance, but clearly this isn't it. Don't feel guilty. It's your one life. Don't spend it miserable. Divorce before you end up with kids, share the dogs if necessary, and make a new life. I bet it will do him a world of good in the end to be out on his own (as long as he doesn't go home to mommy) and learn to be self-sufficient if he hasn't yet. It will make him a better man. So do what you have to do.

[DKT3]

Meanwhile, while there is no "other man," I can't help but have the "grass is greener" syndrome when I see and interact with coworkers on a daily basis that I just have so much more chemistry with. I feel almost nothing for my husband besides friendship, at this point. The guilt about those feelings is driving me insane. While we do have problems, he is a good guy, and deserves someone who adores him.

 

 

This is the root of your problem.

 

You can dance around it and bury it deep into that very long block of fluff but it is the genesis of your feelings.

 

You feel you settled and you can do better, you are looking for that whole teenagers idea of rainbow's and butterflies. What young ladies your age dont realize is that is all temporary, and finding a honest loyal person who truly cares for you isnt that easy.

 

Unfortunately for you, I feel you will be one of those always looking for the next better toy.

 

I agree that you've set your husband up to fail because you believe you can do better. Every thing else you wrote is putting lipstick on a pig, it doesn't change the fact that the pig is still a pig.

[JuneL]

This is the root of your problem.

 

You can dance around it and bury it deep into that very long block of fluff but it is the genesis of your feelings.

 

You feel you settled and you can do better, you are looking for that whole teenagers idea of rainbow's and butterflies. What young ladies your age dont realize is that is all temporary, and finding a honest loyal person who truly cares for you isnt that easy.

 

Unfortunately for you, I feel you will be one of those always looking for the next better toy.

 

I agree that you've set your husband up to fail because you believe you can do better. Every thing else you wrote is putting lipstick on a pig, it doesn't change the fact that the pig is still a pig.

 

In that case, there’s even more reasons to divorce, before ripping her husband’s heart with an affair.

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry you are unhappy in your marriage i really do think you need professional counselling someone neutral to talk about your issues with in that though.... your husband needs that professional counselling too..maybe develop some strategies to be able to discuss each others concerns without him getting huffy and defensive....

 

i do not feel in anyway an open relationship will help save your marriage....only complicate it.....i do not feel that divorce is the answer either....when there's things that can be tried to help save your marriage from divorce....there are avenues for you to try first

 

personally if sex was so bad it was starting to turn me off my partner i would take sex off the table(its damaging your marriage at the moment not strengthening your connection) and work on the issues causing the disconnect in the bedroom ...working on intimate issues besides the physical...like communication and listening to each other.....time spent together that builds that closeness back before making love again....

 

 

date nights that dont result in sex at the end.....cuddling and physical intimacy without actual sex.....building on the physical with that professional counselling maybe even a sex therapist as well..remembering why you married him int he first place...wasnt just about sex was it?..might give you a chance to save your marriage..... my prayers are with you....i hope things get better for you....and for your husband in and out of the bedroom....deb

[Turning point]

Your similarity in ages is misleading because if your husband is still centered on playing his video games this suggests he is still a boy not a man.

 

Ignore the numbers and acknowledge you need to be with someone who is at least as emotionally and intellectually mature as you are.

[DKT3]

I believe she should absolutely divorce. My point in my pervious post was to put a flashlight on her future and cut the fat. She will get older and realize how shallow and shortsighted this is. Hunting butterflies, so many young women fall into that trap.

[DKT3]

Your similarity in ages is misleading because if your husband is still centered on playing his video games this suggests he is still a boy not a man.

 

Ignore the numbers and acknowledge you need to be with someone who is at least as emotionally and intellectually mature as you are.

 

Hmm, I would not say she is all that more mature. She seems to not understand reall life isn't a cheesy romcom where you see stars when you kiss a guy.

[Turning point]

I would not say she is all that more mature.

 

Sorry, I don't see the cheesy butterflies and unicorns in her story.

 

I see a young woman who got married, expecting a fully adult marital relationship and is instead living with a teenager.

 

He can't put down the game remote, is clueless about his wife's sexual needs, hates his job, and maintains no social life. There are middle school kids with more going on than this guy.

[DKT3]

Oh, you missed the part about her day dreaming about how much chemistry she has with her Male colleagues? Yeah she buried in there deep.

[Turning point]

Oh, you missed the part about her day dreaming about how much chemistry she has with her Male colleagues?

 

No, I didn't miss that or the part where her husband maintains no connections of his own and expects her to be everything he needs socially. I doubt he's capable of carrying on an adult conversation - and that's going to be a contrast no one could overlook.

 

She's growing up and he's not. We can blame her for marrying a guy who was not mature enough to be good relationship material, but I don't think her buyer's remorse is a character defect. Given his gaming I'd say he's no more into her than he is his own mother. Who wants that?

[DKT3]

His behavior doesn't cancel out hers. Her interest in other men is the issue here. Every complaint after that admission comes with a grain of salt. Its very common to gain interest in others outside of the relationship to then make it an issue with or about your partner when in reality it's the fact that they are interested in other people, and not willing to accept responsibility for having roaming interests.

 

Secondly, why is she married to a guy she was never excited about and had a poor sexlife with.

 

Maybe he isnt ideal, but honestly neither is she.

[vla1120]

OP, luckily you are both young and did not bring children into the mix. Counseling isn't going to make you have feelings for him or make you more compatible, nor is a separation. An open marriage isn't fair to him and don't start an affair before you are divorced.

 

Get started on the divorce. Hopefully, you can keep it cordial and let him down easily. Moving forward, just know the grass is not always greener. Finding someone who is loyal and faithful is not always easy.

[Acacia98]

His behavior doesn't cancel out hers. Her interest in other men is the issue here. Every complaint after that admission comes with a grain of salt. Its very common to gain interest in others outside of the relationship to then make it an issue with or about your partner when in reality it's the fact that they are interested in other people, and not willing to accept responsibility for having roaming interests.

 

Secondly, why is she married to a guy she was never excited about and had a poor sexlife with.

 

Maybe he isnt ideal, but honestly neither is she.

 

I don't know the cultural context, so I imagine it is possible she experienced some kind of pressure to marry this guy... maybe he's from the same religion or caste or an "approved" family. You never know. People don't always go into their entire backstories when posting on forums like this.

 

As for liking other guys, that's something that can happen when one stays too long in a relationship that doesn't meet their core emotional needs. I wouldn't hold it against a person unless they acted on their feelings and got involved in an emotional or physical affair. But I would certainly hope the person would see it as a sign they need to act now to address the real problem (e.g. counselling, leaving the relationship).

[marky00]

Your similarity in ages is misleading because if your husband is still centered on playing his video games this suggests he is still a boy not a man.

 

 

So grown men don't play video games? That is news to me.

Edited May 6, 2019 by marky00

[pepperbird]

Y

Great sex develops out of passion. .

 

I don't agree. You can be very passionate and in love and the sex can still be mediocre. The idea that people will just somehow know how to make tab A go into slot B through pure instinct if they just love each other enough doesn't hold water.

 

OP,

 

I read your words, and I would caution you to really give some time and consideration to what you want to do. In your shoes, my first step would be to suggest marriage counseling. See how it goes. It might be really helpful to you whether you choose to stay married or decide to uncouple.

Edited May 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Mr. Lucky]

So grown men don't play video games? That is news to me.

 

Immaterial as far as this thread is concerned, the OP made no mention of computers, gaming or any other specific activity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

I OP made no mention of computers, gaming or any other specific activity...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My bad. I mixed him up with another very similar post.

 

There is high level of disconnect with what they each experience, communicate and understand about their own marital relationship. Denigrating the OP for the very logical realization that other people at work and in her social circle are able to interact and connect with her on a more mature level is unjustified.

 

Her marriage is NOT fulfilling. She is not stepping out - she is merely acknowledging the full scope of this realization.