Writing a letter to an ex?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I didn't write it but I certainly thought it. Sex should only happen when there's enthusiastic consent from both parties. Having to try much harder than normal is called coercion, and if you were a man, you'd get slammed for this. Given we now have equality, your actions are just as unacceptable as if a man did it.

 

That's really not rape though. Both he and I find it perfectly acceptable during our entire relationship. You cant expect both parts to always be in the mood for it at the same time, sometimes one of them needs a little extra help to get turned on first. That's hardly rape.

It's not that he didn't want to have sex, he just finds it much harder to stay emotionally distant to me afterwards. He's basically a girl when it comes to stuff like that. I'm the one who dont attach any feelings to it. Its just sex.

 

Sure, im vindictive. But if i want him to suffer, i could easily send him to prison or have him locked up in an asylum. I can make sure the kids grow up, knowing nothing about his existence. They are young enough to soon forget about him. There are far more effective ways to be get him to suffer than sending a letter. And the letter needs to be long, I need to make sure I cover everything so I wont ever feel the need of sending a second one. I literally can't feel any worse than I already do, trust me.

Of course I'll always keep hoping he'll change his kind. Im vicious and so is he, we're a good match. If he hadnt gotten into that psychosis, he'd never have left in the first place.

[preraph]

Your poor kids.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Your poor kids.

 

How so? They are given everything they could possibly need and have never experienced any of our arguments nor seen his illness.

 

It's better for the kids to grow up thinking they are test tube babies than wondering why their daddy doesnt wanna see them more than once a year. Itd be for their sake. Ive already offered him to take them abroad, as they'll have more possibilities there, but he did not want to.

[stillafool]

I don't think it's the kids he doesn't want to see. He probably loves them.

[Blanco]

How so? They are given everything they could possibly need and have never experienced any of our arguments nor seen his illness.

 

Because kids get older. Some day, they'll be faced with the realization that both of their parents are "vicious."

[snowcones]

No don't do it.

[vla1120]

One minute, you are saying you don't know how to move on and act like you can't live without him. The next moment, you are talking about how you could have him sent to prison or committed and talking about karma coming back to get him. If my ex sent me a 9+ page letter, I'd put a big "Return to sender" on the envelope to make sure he knows I have no interest in what he has to say (especially if I felt he used our children to manipulate me.)

 

No one can give you closure but you. For the sake of your children, let it go.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

No he doesn't. He wouldn't have left them behind otherwise. Ive given him the option to have shared or full custody with legal arrangement to make sure we'd never see each other or talk again. He doesn't want any "responsibilities" he said. He left me because he'd have killed us otherwise. That man is incapable of loving.

 

Im not gonna raise my kids to be snowflakes. People aren't "good".

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Loveisonlyformovies]

One minute, you are saying you don't know how to move on and act like you can't live without him. The next moment, you are talking about how you could have him sent to prison or committed and talking about karma coming back to get him. If my ex sent me a 9+ page letter, I'd put a big "Return to sender" on the envelope to make sure he knows I have no interest in what he has to say (especially if I felt he used our children to manipulate me.)

 

No one can give you closure but you. For the sake of your children, let it go.

 

Ive never used the kids to manipulatd him, and he would also never think that. Im sorry your relationship with your ex was so horrible that you would do such a disrespectful act.

I don't see where the confusion is at. Of course i could make him suffer, i simply choose not to at the moment as I'm too emotionally invested. If you can just let it go, you clearly never had any feelings in the first place.

He'll be dead within a year, no doubt about it. Then all of this will be easier to deal with.

[Acacia98]

Instead of writing out my deepest emotions, I once found it most therapeutic to write a country song called "If I Had the Chance I Wouldn't Do It All Over Again." And let THAT get back to him.

 

 

Hahaha! This is fantastic!

[Acacia98]

He doesn't want any "responsibilities" he said. He left me because he'd have killed us otherwise. That man is incapable of loving.

 

So your ex suffers from some form of psychosis and would have killed you and the kids if he had to stay and is incapable of loving anyone but you are still looking for "closure" from him and are still bringing him around to your house where the kids are?

 

This stands out to me because it sounds very disturbing and dangerous.

 

But, setting it aside, it seems to me you're not actually paying attention to the implications of what you're writing. Because you keep responding to people and revealing details about yourself and then getting angry with them when they take those details at face value.

 

I do think that, for your sake and the kids' sake, you need to stop focusing so much on your ex as the source of closure. Closure won't come from him. It will come from your engaging in the kind of self-examination that ultimately gives you the answers about yourself that you need to move on. Sometimes that self-examination begins with therapy. But you can also set it in motion by reflecting on your past experiences and how they have shaped you.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

So your ex suffers from some form of psychosis and would have killed you and the kids if he had to stay and is incapable of loving anyone but you are still looking for "closure" from him and are still bringing him around to your house where the kids are?

 

This stands out to me because it sounds very disturbing and dangerous.

 

But, setting it aside, it seems to me you're not actually paying attention to the implications of what you're writing. Because you keep responding to people and revealing details about yourself and then getting angry with them when they take those details at face value.

 

I do think that, for your sake and the kids' sake, you need to stop focusing so much on your ex as the source of closure. Closure won't come from him. It will come from your engaging in the kind of self-examination that ultimately gives you the answers about yourself that you need to move on. Sometimes that self-examination begins with therapy. But you can also set it in motion by reflecting on your past experiences and how they have shaped you.

 

Hes harmless now.

People are taking things out if context and clearly cant understand the situation, dont I have the right to respond to that?

 

Self-examination doesnt bring any closure. I'm fully aware of why i react like i do. He robbed my of my future. I paused my life for his sake and got nothing in return. Im now too old to pursue a degree. Im forced to spend the next 17 years alone as i strongly believe that giving kids a stepparent is one of the worst forms of child abuse, something I'll never put them through. The best life I can possibly have on my own is simply not worth living and then I've already examined every possible option for me.

That's the simple truth. Being alone with two kids sure complicate things as I have no outside support for anything but just existing. And that's not enough.

 

My walls are building up. Once they are up, I'll feel nothing but hate and disgust for him. That's how i work. The thing is that if he doesnt kill himself soon, he'll come back around and then itll be too late. There wont be a way back in. And getting him to realise this has proven pretty hard. And we both will be missing out on a future that would have been great. Hes ruining both our futurre but he can't realise that in his current state. It's very frustrating.

[vla1120]

Ive never used the kids to manipulatd him, and he would also never think that. Im sorry your relationship with your ex was so horrible that you would do such a disrespectful act.

I don't see where the confusion is at. Of course i could make him suffer, i simply choose not to at the moment as I'm too emotionally invested. If you can just let it go, you clearly never had any feelings in the first place.

He'll be dead within a year, no doubt about it. Then all of this will be easier to deal with.

 

Wow. Just. Wow.

 

I am not sure whether you are saying your kids' father will be dead in a year, or whether you were referring to my estranged husband (who will, in fact, be dead in a year, but for whom I am still the main caretaker), but your comment was uncalled for in either case. Like someone else said, your poor children. EDIT - upon reading your post again, clearly you were talking about the father of your children being dead within a year. Would you not mourn for their loss of their father?

 

You said you have no one to talk to about this. Maybe you should evaluate the reasons why you seemingly have no friends. It seems like you turn caustic and go on the offensive when someone says something you don't want to hear. Instead of attacking others, do some serious looking at yourself. Even if you cannot get to a therapist for another year, there are plenty of self-help books out there. Starting reading.

Edited May 6, 2019 by vla1120

[Loveisonlyformovies]

They've already lost him so it wont make a difference to them, nor will they be old enough to understand it. Itll be his choice to die. I rarely mourn people dying, itll happen to everyone eventually. There's no need to be hung up on it. Just remember the good parts about them and move on. Im rather jealous of them getting to be free while I'm stuck here.

 

Im asocial and dont appreciate other people's company. I can't stand people with other values than mine and certainly not people of my own country. It's better to avoid them and let them live their life and I live mine. That's better for everyone.

Ive read plenty of books and articles about it, nothing has made me think any differently about it.

It's a very depressing world when everyone just gives up and moves on rather than fixing what's broken. Humanity has become awfully weak.

[d0nnivain]

9 pages & you're still writing. If you insist on sending this useless letter you are going to have edit & edit. Find a way to say everything in 2 pages. Anything longer & you are just rambling.

 

What outcome do you want here? What I keep reading is a woman who is desperately trying to hold on to a man, & bad man at that, to fulfill some idealize Normal Rockwell fantasy about what a nuclear family ought to be: a SAHM, a breadwinner dad who comes home to a spotless house & 2 kids who want for nothing. You are never going to be the Cleavers. Stop trying.

 

Even if he comes back you will never have that. Your kids will grow up in a house where Daddy rages & has continuing mental illnesses which preclude him from holding down a good job, cause him to treat everybody badly & require him to periodically be hospitalized Meanwhile Mommy will resent him more & more each day & retreat to her own bed, as you have been doing here, because she's unable to cope with the mess she made trying to hang on to Daddy.

 

Let him go. Stop paying for him to come see his kids. If you continue then you sleep on your new couch. Although the idea that you try to desperately to hang on to this guy but won't let him sleep on your couch because it's too new is absolutely ludicrous. This man is good enough to be the father of your kids & you want him back but he can't ruin the good couch? Your priorities are all out of whack.

 

But seriously your kids will be better off being told Daddy loves you in his own way but Daddy has illnesses which prevent him from being here.

 

When they talk about fixing what's broken, they are talking about things you can control. You can't fix another person, especially one with diagnosed mental illness.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

How could it possibly do me any good if it's just two pages? Without a full blown discussion on every aspect of our relationship, how could i possibly see any logic in it and let the past go? It would kind of ruin the point, wouldn't it?

 

You're saying that people cant recover or ever function normally with a mental illness, which millions of people can argue against. A psychosis is just a temporary state of mind. Not permanent.

He'll rather kill himself than getting hospitalized again and he's perfectly capable of keeping a job.

I've been retreating to my own bed?

Even if he doesn't come back, id never consider someone "normal". Ever.

 

He broke my old couch by sleeping in it, and he's way to big for my current one so itll definitely break if he sleeps there. Besides, he paid for half the bed so why not?

 

No child would be better off hearing that. He wouldn't leave them behind if he loved them.

[d0nnivain]

9+ pages is rambling. Brevity is the soul of wit. Pare down what you are saying.

 

Then you sleep on the couch. Letting him sleep in a bed with you when he has not fully committed to reconciliation is you letting him use you for sex. What message is that sending your kids?

 

In everything you post you seem to think that he is the answer to everything that is wrong. He's not. I'm not saying he can't get better. I am saying YOU can't make him better.

 

Since you claim that if he loved his kids, he wouldn't leave them behind, maybe it's time to consider that he doesn't love them. Forcing him to interact with them isn't the answer. Your will not be the only kids from a broken home. If mommy can get her act together & love them with her whole heart that is better than forcing a relationship he doesn't want. The kids will pick up on his resentment.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Making it shorter would ruin its effect and make it pointless.

Our kid sleeps between us anyway so there's no physical contact, sadly. Neither of us has a problem sleeping in the same bed as it is nothing but sleep. If you put a lot of emotions into sex and sleeping in the same bed, then thats your problem. Everyone doesn't work like that.

 

I disagree. He was wasting away before I met him and I convinced him to do something with his life. There's nothing wrong in supporting someone to fight their own demons.

[Cersei]

I rarely mourn people dying, itll happen to everyone eventually. There's no need to be hung up on it. Just remember the good parts about them and move on.

 

Take a look at what you, yourself wrote.

"There is no need to be hung up on it."

 

So it's ok to be hung up on an ex that has clearly moved on from your relationship but not ok to hang on to someone's death?

 

Are we all being punked with this thread? Yes go right ahead and send your 9 plus page letter. It will give you closure. Do it. It will help you move on.

 

Is that what you want to hear already?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

He hasn't moved on though.

And yes, he's alive, it can be changed. You can't bring back people from the dead so that's easy to let go of.

 

I think it'll help. Just can't decide if i should hold onto hope or just let the letter break him. So not sure how to end it

[stillafool]

No he doesn't. He wouldn't have left them behind otherwise. Ive given him the option to have shared or full custody with legal arrangement to make sure we'd never see each other or talk again. He doesn't want any "responsibilities" he said. He left me because he'd have killed us otherwise. That man is incapable of loving.

 

 

So you're trying to get a man back in your home that YOU KNOW is capable of killing your kids? A good mother protects her kids and would never let this man near them knowing he is capable of murder. Please get help for your mental health.

[stillafool]

 

Let him go. Stop paying for him to come see his kids. If you continue then you sleep on your new couch. Although the idea that you try to desperately to hang on to this guy but won't let him sleep on your couch because it's too new is absolutely ludicrous. This man is good enough to be the father of your kids & you want him back but he can't ruin the good couch? Your priorities are all out of whack.

 

.

 

I think OP doesn't let him sleep on her couch to get him to sleep in the bed with her. It's sad.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

He would never harm us in any way. A psychosis does not define him and it's long gone and treated. It was what voices at the time told him to do. He's not schizofrenic either so they won't be returning. Funny to see how people try to have an opinion about things they know absolutely nothing about. Ive never been worried about him harming the kids or me. If it was his fear when the voices got worse. Even doctors have said it was only a result of wrong medication at the time. And sadly his health got much worse until they got the meds correctly balanced. He's the only one I'd trust my kids with if something happened to me. He doesn't deserve them, but he's reliable and a great parent.

 

I have a spare bed that I always offer him, but he rather sleeps in the big bed. I don't see what's sad about it. He's family, it's no different to offering one side of my bed to a sibling if they were to stay the night.

He knows i sleep much better with him here, the only times I actually get a good nights sleep since he left. I had **** sleep before I met him too. It's just the way it is.

 

Why on earth would any of you even be in a relationship with a person if you don't see them as family? It can't have been a very serious relationship if you are to freak out about letting the person sleep on the other side of your bed..

[Blanco]

No he doesn't. He wouldn't have left them behind otherwise. Ive given him the option to have shared or full custody with legal arrangement to make sure we'd never see each other or talk again. He doesn't want any "responsibilities" he said. He left me because he'd have killed us otherwise. That man is incapable of loving.

 

Im not gonna raise my kids to be snowflakes. People aren't "good". If you can't be mature enough to keep my kids out of it, then go ruin someone else's thread instead. It's not relevant to the topic here.

 

Keeping your children away from a man you say is incapable of loving isn't going to make them "snowflakes." If he's that void of compassion, then the kids are better off without him, regardless if he's their father.

[Blanco]

Hes harmless now.

People are taking things out if context and clearly cant understand the situation, dont I have the right to respond to that?

 

Self-examination doesnt bring any closure. I'm fully aware of why i react like i do. He robbed my of my future. I paused my life for his sake and got nothing in return. Im now too old to pursue a degree. Im forced to spend the next 17 years alone as i strongly believe that giving kids a stepparent is one of the worst forms of child abuse, something I'll never put them through. The best life I can possibly have on my own is simply not worth living and then I've already examined every possible option for me.

That's the simple truth. Being alone with two kids sure complicate things as I have no outside support for anything but just existing. And that's not enough.

 

My walls are building up. Once they are up, I'll feel nothing but hate and disgust for him. That's how i work. The thing is that if he doesnt kill himself soon, he'll come back around and then itll be too late. There wont be a way back in. And getting him to realise this has proven pretty hard. And we both will be missing out on a future that would have been great. Hes ruining both our futurre but he can't realise that in his current state. It's very frustrating.

 

This is nonsense. The man who was basically my stepdad was one of the best things that ever happened to me and my brother during our childhood. He stepped in and gave us love and stability that my biological father was unfortunately unable to give.

 

I know I'm far from alone in this. Dropping some sperm in a woman doesn't make you a "dad."