Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 You've made choices about how to think about your situation that have automatically limited the options available to you. Odds are that if you were open to thinking differently, you would realize that a wider range of options were available to you and you might make different choices. I have no doubt he did terrible things that hurt you and impacted the trajectory your life took. But at this moment, right now, you are playing an active role in making your life what it is. It's not all on him. The day you accept that you are at least partially responsible, you will be in a better position to change your situation, perhaps even find that elusive closure. But I recognize there's some comfort to be had in telling yourself all the answers lie with him. It allows you to cede responsibility for your path going forward... so I realize that you are highly likely to reject our responses without giving them much thought . I have never once put all the blame on him and I'm well aware of my part in it all. Very judgemental of you to claim otherwise. I have examined my every option and your logic does not apply to any of my concerns. It's not a matter of what is possible or not, if it doesn't bring me to a better place than I am in now, then it is simply not an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 Update: I had expected it to be around 12 pages but it ended with 22.. I believe sending it was a good thing , the past days I've been able to put energy into activities i haven't done in a very long time. I still think of him, but not as often. I just feel empty. If that is what moving on feels like then I think I'm rather holding on to a person despite rejection. I'm not sure if he has even read it yet, but all of his public information suddenly changed on his facebook, which has never happened during the years I've known him. Not sure if it's just a glitch on fb or if he has received and read my letter (which is unlikely, but i did mention his fb info there). It just seems very strange. Only other reason i can think of is if there's a new girl he's trying to hide. Oh well, I felt a little better for a few days at least... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 While I still maintain that the letter is too long & sending it was a bad idea, I am glad doing so enabled you to move forward & resume doing things you hadn't been doing for a while. That is a positive step. He may not have read your letter but changed his FB status because he's moving on, independently of what you do. You would be better served unfriending him. Put more distance in here for your own sanity. Focus on you & your kids. One day at a time. Keep healing. You will get through this. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 While I still maintain that the letter is too long & sending it was a bad idea, I am glad doing so enabled you to move forward & resume doing things you hadn't been doing for a while. That is a positive step. He may not have read your letter but changed his FB status because he's moving on, independently of what you do. You would be better served unfriending him. Put more distance in here for your own sanity. Focus on you & your kids. One day at a time. Keep healing. You will get through this. Hang in there. Im not friend with him there. Its not one status that has changed, but everything has suddenly changed from public to private, so clearly he's hiding something, or he's cleaning up before attempting suicide again. I don't see how moving on is positive, this empty feeling is worse than the rejection and constant pain tbh Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 It's still positive. Empty is not great but it's better then pain & false hope. In time you will graduate to apathy. He won't matter any more & you will be free to build a life that makes happy, or at least content. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 this empty feeling is worse than the rejection and constant pain tbh So I think that's key. You would rather hang on to the pain than accept that, at least for now, you are on our own. That's pretty normal, it can be scary to "just be" without being connected to someone else. Just try dealing with the emptiness for a while, examine your thoughts and feelings as being your own experience, not something that requires his presence or participation. I know you don't like anyone's ideas here, but since your own haven't helped you much and you DID feel the need to reach out to this board, maybe don't dismiss all the responses reflexively, without giving them at least a bit of thought. Or you can choose to remain stuck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Well, I hope he's an avid reader. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 I am not scared of, nor have any problem with accepting that I'm on my own. I've been during most of my life so that is no big deal. He also just removed his profile on a dating site, so now im really not sure if he has read it yet or is preparing to die. It really worries me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 15, 2019 Author Share Posted May 15, 2019 Well, it worked for a few days. Dreaming about him every single night and then waking up, getting reminded of the breakup all over again, doesn't make things any easier. I mainly feel anger now. It isn't fair that I get to feel the hurt and miss him for the past 9 months while he hasn't felt a thing since the day he left. With his illness and his meds he has blocked out any feeling and thought of me. It's not fair that I have to pick up the pieces that he left behind while he gets to move on so easily and can do whatever he wants. The more I look into my options, the less of them I have. None of them makes life worth continuing for. None of them brings any joy. Every single day it feels like im wasting even more time of my life, and I can't think of a single option that would change that. Not while im alone with the kids. Having to be miserable for the next ten years doesn't feel like its worth it, and my kids lives will already be ruined by then if forced to grow up in this country. And no, its not my choice to be miserable, there are simply no options that could change that. It's just not fair. It feels like he's robbed me on any future worth having. Link to post Share on other sites
Optimystic Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 (edited) Im wondering if anyone has any experience in getting closure from sending an ex a letter? I'm thinking about doing this too. But what is important to be doing first, especially if haven't already, is to write it down (or type it out) in a journal/personal blog to get everything off your chest, which will include things you won't want to tell your ex directly, but still need to communicate.. even just out loud. It's important for our mental and emotional health to have outlets where we can feel safe and free. I find journaling really helpful in that way. So, I do think it's a good idea to send a letter if you're needing a sense of closure but don't want to necessarily be argued with. The only thing about it is that there is no 100% guarantee that they'll read it or respond to it.. but it will feel good sending it nonetheless. And let's be honest, they will probably read it. Which is why it's a good idea to make an outline of everything you want to say, so you can condense it to a concise letter. I still don't know what my approach will be, and since I'm still dealing with unresolved issues of pain and anger towards my ex boyfriend, I know I still need to write it out privately to myself before sending him words I'll regret. But go with your instinct.. even if people are advising you against it. You'll only feel better if you do what feels right. Good luck to you, and may you find healing through it. Edited June 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 I suggest you journal, either in your private Loveshack journal or a notebook, etc. Write to him, to yourself, to who you were in the relationship, are now, and hope to become. Don't send him any of it though. These are your feelings to process and you've got to do the work to process them. No-one else can do this for you. I'm guessing you want him to solve this for you on some level, but you'll have to do it on your own. He's already gone. By looking to him in this, you are just avoiding the pain and process which will ultimately lead to your healing. Getting it all out in writing will help put all in perspective, and is a great first step. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 You can write the letter, or a text, but just don't send them. You may not get the closure you want from him, but at least it will make it easier on you. Write about anything and everything about how it ended, and how it made you feel and keep it at that. I've done it only once and it took a weight off my shoulders, and eventually, it all subsided. Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 My ex wrote me a letter 3 months after she broke up with me. One convo led to another, and eventually, we hung out just this past Thursday after 8 months of being split. She had no intention of getting back together, and I don't even think she wanted to be friends. Words can not express how so overtly over the relationship she was. She just wanted to "catch up". Now she's being ignored in my FB settings and her messages are on silent. Total waste of my time and plunged me into a bad state of mind again. If kids or bills aren't involved, exes need to stay away from exes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I'm glad you sent the letter but I don't know if he would read 22 pages. I wouldn't; but the main thing is you cleared your soul of all the things you wanted to say to him and that alone should bring you peace. He has blocked you from all social media to send a message that he wants NO CONTACT from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 As I've stated repeatedly, writing anything without sending it has no effect on me, it actually just makes me feel a lot worse. So that's out of the question. We have contact through email now, he only blocked me on social media so I cant see his new girlfriends. And he is apparently reading it, at least he said so a few days ago. He started reading it but it affects him too much (there are some harsh truths in there) so he said he'll finish reading it after his exams next week. I thought he had already binned it so I'm quite surprised by it. So im mainly just waiting for time to go by right now Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I am the only one who thinks you should write a letter to him. Not for his benefit, he does not care. His benefit is getting some sex. Write the letter, write the letter several times. Make corrections, use different colors if that helps. I wrote letters to the ex-wife. It helped me cope with the split. I could vent what needed venting. I wrote in long-hand, double space. I inserted more words as needed. I then burned the letter in the stove. After talking to her, usually telling me that the weekend was not convenient for me to have the kids, I would start another letter. Try it, you will feel better. And make the deadbeat sleep on the floor, using his blankets. Make him bring his own pillow too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 No. Ive already tried it, and as I've said repeatedly; it's pointless. And it's clearly doing you no good either as you have to keep writing her letters... A letter is pointless unless it can make the other person feel like **** too, and I think mine will succeed with that. Why would I do that? What's the point in even asking him to come see the kids if I can't get laid? The kids wont be old enough to left alone so I can date for the next 13 years, at least. I need to get something out of it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 Some people are better off not having children. Link to post Share on other sites
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