cherrysoduh Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Okay well I wasn't sure if I should post this here of under the coping one but oh well. I had my first marriage counseling appt today..by myself: She did the whole initial assessment thing, and asked what are issues were and how my husband feels...yadda yadda ya. She decided to set up three more sessions for me to help work on my communication skills(expressing myself better) and some pointers on stress. I was dreaming that she would get my husband back for me by some miracle. I felt really good when I left the office today b/c I know that if H and I never get back together that I will be a better person through what I am going to learn about myself:love: Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 It's funny how an hour with a person with a degree on the wall can make a person feel better. I had my first session this past Tuesday, I did feel better, because I reaslized what I should have been doing all along. I get to meet with him once a week because of my strong feelings I have. But as for being a better person if my wife and I decide to end it, I don't know about that. Ask me again this time next year. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 You guys will be so much better for this. It will let you know what you did in the relationship to make it fail and what you can do for yourself to make you a better person for the next relationship. My husband did this when his exwife left him. He went to nine sessions alone. She went to one, at which she said she didn't love him anymore. He learned so much. Even though she was cheating, he learned the things that he did that hurt their marriage. Let me tell you, I've reaped the benefit of all of that counseling, he's likes to talk about the relationship almost more than I do! There is something about talking to someone who's not involved in the situation and who has an objective opinion. Your parents and friends, they may agree with you- but in the back of your mind you feel like it's because they have to. Getting that unbias opinion is invaluable. Good for you both! Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 You guys will be so much better for this. It will let you know what you did in the relationship to make it fail and what you can do for yourself to make you a better person for the next relationship. Maybe that is what all the signs are telling me. I will learn to be a better companion when that person comes along. Maybe, just maybe I should be looking for that person now. My SO is sending mixed signals to me, she knows it, that is why she is doing it. To keep me guessing that there could be a future for us, then shoot it down when I "mis-read" any signals. My husband did this when his exwife left him. He went to nine sessions alone. She went to one, at which she said she didn't love him anymore. I go to sessions number two a week after number one. My SO has been to one session since the start and, who knows, the end of her A. Well, I won't be asking her when she is going next. You are right, speaking to someone who is totally unbiased to the situation, sure makes coming home and dealing with the crap that much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Chaz, You're still too damaged right now to begin a relationship with someone. Ask your counselor, they will tell you the same thing. Concentrate on you..... Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Trust me I know I am damaged goods. I sleep on a rock hard futon in my own house. My back is killing me, insomnia, and when I do get to sleep, it is wracked with nightmares. I am not looking for a relationship now anyway. I am just saying, maybe cut-bait and rebuild myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherrysoduh Posted September 24, 2005 Author Share Posted September 24, 2005 I agree I think its the whole unbiased opinion. And the fact that the person doesn't know either one of you. My coun. didn't mention too much about my H this session she just sent up a plan on how to help me with my issues. I imagine I have to change the parts of me that contributed to our split up and maybe he will see the diffrences in me and give our marriage a new life. Doesn't it suck when you want to try and someone doesn't? Sometimes I think that I should just lick my wounds and move on. But then I can't really see myself doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 I was dreaming that she would get my husband back for me by some miracle. I felt really good when I left the office today b/c I know that if H and I never get back together that I will be a better person through what I am going to learn about myself:love: Nobody will get your husband back but him. I desperately wanted my ex-husband back, but he didn't want me. I didn't even know why at the time. With time I realized I didn't want him back either and OMG I am so much better of without him. I met the LOML a year ago so I benefit from the divorce. The same might happen to you too. It's funny that you put the love emoticon right after the word "myself." It should be that way. Self-respect and self-confidence are what you need to get back first! Sometimes I think that I should just lick my wounds and move on. But then I can't really see myself doing that. None of us could see ourselves doing that so instead of licking our wounds we poured salt and acid on them. Luckily they heal with time anyway. I will learn to be a better companion when that person comes along. As much as we should work on our characters and improve them, it's also essential to find a compatible person to live with. Often it's the gaps between two people that cause the fights, not necessarily the people's faults. As Celine Dion sings: "You'll make a good girl crazy if you don't treat her lie a lady." Some people's traits can trigger the worse in us and that can lead to spiral destructive interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Some people's traits can trigger the worse in us and that can lead to spiral destructive interaction. Isn't that the truth. My SO's AR nature drove me nuts. Always nagging about little things. Well that trait alone, triggered the trait I wish I never had, short-tempered anger. Oh, yeah, explosive. So bad it was almost child-like, except this child is 6'2" 230#. I hated myself for who I became when I exploded like that. Totally counter-productive. <---Well, duh! I love my SO alot, after one episode in particular, I went to counsling and got it under control, but not for long. That is one of my MANY regrets I have. But I feel now I have the really explosive $hit under control. It is the mud-slinging I need to get ahold of. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 My SO's AR nature drove me nuts. Always nagging about little things. What's AR stand for? My mom drives me nuts every day. She is hysterical, pessimistic, criticizes me about everything, interferes in all aspects of my life, brings decisions instead of me, etc. I live with her so it's hard for me to avoid her. The worst part is that she only changes her behavior (a little and very slowly though) after I yell at her about a particular problem for a few months every day. So she not only triggers the worst in me, but it's the only thing that works with her. I feel like I constantly have to fight for something. It's impossible to communicate with her whatsoever. She is smart, we love each other, she wants the best for me, but she is just so stubborn. Sometimes I feel like if I told her: "Let this be my way or I will cut my hand off" she would actually let me cut my hand off but not give up. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Anal Retentive. Is your mom my wife. My wife is stubborn, she does criticize me, she doesn't interfere except erasing all my emails we wrote to each when we where "getting back together". They were basically love letters, they made me smile and I just found out she erased them all. She had the A, and she had total access to my account. Have I seen one email from her TWO accounts she has, no. I live with her too, kind of hard to avoid:p . She doesn't back down from anything, even reality. Kind of frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 I live with her too, kind of hard to avoid:p So have you forgiven the affair? My mom hadn't had an affair on me though. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 That was the problem in the begining, I said I forgave her, but I thought I was strong enough to change what happened. Do you understand what I am saying. But since I woke up and realized I have to accept what happened, I have been better off. I do forgive her for what she did, I do want to repair our marriage and move on. I love her to much. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 I said I forgave her, but I thought I was strong enough to change what happened. Do you understand what I am saying. Not quite, but I don't want to drag you into depressive thoughts now that you've forgiven her. About the stubborness though, IMHO, you should see a marriage counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 It is no problem. I was speaking metaphorically. Thinking I was strong enough in my head to change what happened. We are not presentally seeing an MC together. I am in IC right now. Have to go once a week because of were my anger goes(towards my spouse). Now I have an outlet. My SO and I are getting along fairly well since she "came clean". I have alot to lose, I have realized this, and I want her to see that I can continue being what she needs. I love her very much, but right now there is still alot of pain there. But for some reason, I just want to be with her, in all sense. Holding her at night, telling her I love her, and being the husband I never was for her. Link to post Share on other sites
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