A goal of marriage?

[thefooloftheyear]

Maybe it's a thing of the past, but back in the day, there was soooo much pressure from the woman and her family, its almost as if you have to do it in order to get them to shut up already....

 

TFY

[IgliNick]

Sunlight, it is what you want, nothing wrong with it. Your age is not a factor, people marry at 20, 40 or 80, there is no real limit. My fiancee is 48 and not once I thought he's too old. And I am planning to have kids with him and all the jazz.

 

However - don't rush it. 7 months seems awfully short time to propose. Even a full year is awfully short. In my experience things come to light after the first year is gone... So better approach is wait and see.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ha ha ha, OK C.O.

I hope you like beach towns and mild weather...

 

No Bueno! I hate the heat. And also bathing suits .

[RecentChange]

I agree with cowgirl as well - setting a “goal” when you have absolutely no control over more than 50% of the variables isn’t realistic.

 

As for your question - I have been with my husband over 18 years now, and married for a little more than 3.

 

I never imagined getting married, nor having such a long lasting relationship, certainly wasn’t on my list of goals.

 

I was happily causally dating, knew I never wanted kids, have always been fiercely independent and tend to enjoy solitude - marriage or even a serious relationship was not on my radar until I met him. And it “just happened” - six months after meeting we were living together and had a joint banking account.

 

Eventually making it legal made sense and we eloped.

 

I have never wanted a big wedding, the idea of having a wedding was part of the reason for the incredibly long delay.

 

I am not having kids, and I don’t care about being recorded in ancestory books, nor things related to leaving a legacies that necessitate being married.

 

For me, I have never desired those things.

 

Now.... that said. My mother always wanted to be married. Being a “wife” is what she wanted. Well, she was also married and divorced 5 times before the age of 50.

[georgia girl]

So, I am one of those people who got married in my 40’s... the only unique thing about me and my husband was that it was a first marriage for both of us.

 

As a teen and in my twenties, I had dreamed of getting married and having lots of babies. In my thirties, those dreams faded and ultimately, I couldn’t have kids anyway. And just as the story goes, when you are looking for it the least, it happens.

 

My husband and I may have never gotten married had it big been for a tragic, life-threatening accident he had. It took that event to make two people - who had been casually dating for just over a year - to actually realize they love each other. Just over a year later, we got married.

 

My advice? Look for the relationship you want. Seek a partner with whom you share a lot of similar values and can enjoy each other’s company. And then, simply enjoy the ride. Just relax and let things happen at a natural pace. With the right woman, you will be a boyfriend for a short period of time. A fiancé for another short period of time. And a husband for life. Don’t cheat yourself or that special woman out of the experience of falling in love and learning about each other. Don’t cheat yourselves out of each phase of a relationship. It sounds to me like you have the goal of marriage as too much of a fixation. Let go of that and focus on the real prize: finding the love of your life.

 

Having been married for a few years now, I can genuinely say it was the best decision I ever made. But I am also glad that it evolved the way it did. I wasn’t seeking marriage - or even love, really - and I ended up with so much more.

 

Good luck.

~GG

[Mr. Lucky]

I've always found it an odd thing when people say they gave a goal of getting married. Because that goal doesn't necessarily consider the fact that someone else, and their variables, will be taken into account.

 

Not sure I agree. I have lots of goals in life - professional, athletic and/or charitable - that involve the cooperative efforts of others. We work towards those goals by surrounding ourselves with like-minded and similarly motivated people.

 

Sunlight72, the seemingly random nature of romantic success doesn't preclude a focused approach. Keep at it, success will come...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Agreed. No man is an island. Many common goals rely upon other people being in alignment with your goal. Having a quality circle of friends, for example, depends on other people being quality people and friends. Running a successful business means employing dedicated, hardworking people. Running a marathon hinges on everyone involved doing their part to make the event happen. And being happily married depends on finding a partner with the same goal.

[ChristinaChaffins]

The goal of marriage is spend more time together, have more conversations and create more intimate moments.

[elaine567]

And being happily married depends on finding a partner with the same goal.

 

That is the mistake he made last time.

He chose to get engaged to a girl, that it was glaringly obvious, she was not all in. It was a one sided arrangement.

He acted too fast as he tried to lock her down for fear she would move onto another guy. The ~20 year gap took its toll.

She liked "the idea", but not the reality...

[Sunlight72]

That is the mistake he made last time.

He chose to get engaged to a girl, that it was glaringly obvious, she was not all in. It was a one sided arrangement.

He acted too fast as he tried to lock her down for fear she would move onto another guy. The ~20 year gap took its toll.

She liked "the idea", but not the reality...

The age gap was part of it I expect - we are 16 years apart (although I was the least distant in age of anyone she's dated since she was 19).

 

But actually, the main reason I moved so quickly is that I did not want to do the long-distance thing, and I didn't want to move cities for a 'maybe', 'we'll see', 'let's play it by ear' kind of thing. I wanted her to know my vision and I wanted to know her vision was serious, so I proposed and began moving there.

 

I would agree she was not all in. I wasn't worried she would move on to another guy, I was worried she would think I wasn't serious (she mentioned repeatedly that no matter the boyfriend's declarations, she 'always ended up alone in the end', and the two serious relationships before me ended when the guy wouldn't move and neither would she in one long-distance case, and the other guy 'stopped putting out' and became aloof when she started hinting at marriage.) Also - we met because she picked me up, so I didn't have the impression my age was a big issue for her, or that she was looking for someone younger when we met. All kinds of reasons I could make it work out in my mind...

 

I listened to her words (when she stated such things as "I want to be married and have a kid or two", I asked, "how soon do you want that?", "Yesterday" - and on a couple different occasions she told me what very specific stone she wanted in her engagement ring, and some other pretty clear 'signals' I thought), and my own dream of an emotionally mature, passionate, and interesting life partner and a family, more than watching her actions. With the distance it was very hard for me to be cool and wait and see past 6 months. My weakness in that way made a mess, and I was not objective.

 

You're right though Elaine, I didn't take her actions as the cold truth, and she wasn't all in. When we were together, yes, she wanted to spend most every minute together and didn't want me to leave even after 4 or 5 days. When we were apart we called & texted throughout the day every day until about a month from the end. But also when apart, she would send mixed signals in making plans to be together the next time, and did not come to visit me. By actions, I was more in it than she was. I ignored that, and hoped it would be 'better' when we were living together.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Sunlight72]

I think it makes perfect sense to have marriage as a goal. I might expand to say "find a man who makes a great marriage partner for me".

 

I'm a big believer in the power of intention. It wasn't till I got very clear in my thoughts, words, and actions about the goal of finding a great man who could be a great husband that I started meeting men with the same corresponding vision. Clarity and focus are very powerful.

Mmm. Good food for thought Ruby Slippers. Thanks for this and your recent post.

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky for the recent post. I appreciate the thoughtful note.

[Dis]

I'm so sorry for what happened, Sunlight I know it must hurt so much

 

I'm a lot like you in the sense that my goal is to get married, have kids, white picket fence

 

My bf and I are in a rough spot. He's not ready and I'm already 32. My Mom and other people tell me I have time but I'm worried and I feel like I push the topic of marriage and kids because I'm so afraid it wont happen

 

I had this kind of epiphany the other day though. Maybe it will be of help to you. What we think and what we believe, we attract. Worries and obsessions over what we want actually drive away what we want. If we let go of the nagging worries and instead walk life with the purpose of our intentions, we will get there. I've had a hard time letting go of the ticking clock and instead attracting the goal but I think it's time I do...and you too.

 

You sound like such a great guy and I have no doubt you will receive what you dream of. People get married in their 50's all the time. My Aunt and Uncle did.

 

Set your intentions and attract it...live and breathe...it will come...don't worry it away

[snowcones]

There is something all these women are not telling you. Or, there is something about you that is slow to come out and they are slow to discover that they don't like. What is it? Either you don't know or they won't tell you.

[Sunlight72]

There is something all these women are not telling you. Or, there is something about you that is slow to come out and they are slow to discover that they don't like. What is it? Either you don't know or they won't tell you.

I see what you're saying, but I think it's different in the different dynamics of each relationship.

 

In two of the relationships I want the relationship too much and become too focused on making the woman happy. Other than that, I can't see a pattern, although becoming a pleaser is certainly bad, and I can see how it caused those two women to lose respect.

 

But, that was two of the 6 significant relationships I've had in my life.

[Sunlight72]

I'm so sorry for what happened, Sunlight I know it must hurt so much

 

I'm a lot like you in the sense that my goal is to get married, have kids, white picket fence

 

My bf and I are in a rough spot. He's not ready and I'm already 32. My Mom and other people tell me I have time but I'm worried and I feel like I push the topic of marriage and kids because I'm so afraid it wont happen...

 

...Set your intentions and attract it...live and breathe...it will come...don't worry it away

Wow Disillusionment, that is a tough spot for you. I appreciate the kind words, and wish you contentment as you go forward as well - and a healthy, happy family when the time is right for you all

 

Ha - it is funny, I actually started putting up a white picket fence around my house this week.

 

It is awfully hard at the moment. I really miss her, and the idea of having our own kids & family, which I feel was going to be my surprise chance at a family this late in life, and won't come again.

 

At some point it will be different. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. I'll come back and read it again in the future.

[AMarriedMan]

To me the difference is that with the publicly stated celebration and commitment of marriage it is clear the couple wants to build the rest of their lives together. I want to build that life, consciously, by choice - not just a situation that sort of keeps going...

 

[...]

 

I want something more meaningful and structured in my lifetime.

 

[...]

 

Trying to get down to the root of this, I guess there's a deep part of me that wants to prove myself capable and honorable.

 

What man whose personality is statistically normal wouldn't? This is why the miserable state of modern marriage is such a shame.

 

I get where you're coming from. Do you also want children? If so, your wife would have to be someone a fair bit younger than you, say, at least a decade. If you're financially established, be careful. If possible, relocate to a jurisdiction that has at least somewhat tolerable divorce laws.

[Destiny Couple]

Great thoughts!

 

As for myself, I didn't think much of marriage, my parents have been married for nearly 50 years and are still happy together so I knew the reasons why people do marry. I was younger and doing more independent things so I was not thinking too much about it. But the change in lifestyle and when I met my wife I knew things were going to change for me. It wasn't a knowing that I would marry her, of course, but at the time when we were going out, I knew we really got on well and that I wanted to spend more time with her. I think there comes a point where thinking of marriage comes easier but explaining when can be a challenge. You will know better when that time comes. For us, we knew that we wanted to marry and it seemed to fit into our lifestyle and our knowledge that we could move forward with each other. The timing was right.

[BluEyeL]

Sunlight, I always liked your posts, and you are a great guy!

 

People bash "marriage" sometimes, but it's not marriage in itself that is the problem, it's people and their choices.

 

In your case, if you look back, your pick of partners, the rush, the age (21 yo doesn't want to be married; 16 year difference is iffy) is what made things not work out. I believe it's OK to have a goal to be married but at the same time not a goal in itself and do not rush. Pick very carefully. I don't know if that can be taught, but from your stories it's clear you picked the wrong women for marriage in each of those situations. Some people are marriage material, some are not.

 

I'm happily married now, at 47. I got married for the second time at 45.

 

First time, I got married at 23 and for the wrong reasons. Society and my family were pushing me. I knew the guy was wrong and I knew from the beginning we will eventually get divorced. Isn't that crazy? I've met him at 19, dated through college and got married because, well, I slept with him already, nobody will marry me anymore because I'm not a virgin (crazy in these time and here in the US, but that's what my family kept telling me then-I'm not from the US), I have no idea where to find someone else, we've been together 5 years and I "owe" it to him etc. So I picked the wrong person and knowingly. It wasn't marriage that was the problem, it was me being a coward and marrying the wrong person.

 

Second time around, at over 40, I did date with the goal of getting married, but I didn't rush. I looked for specific qualities in a husband. I was maybe too clinical, according to some. I looked for personality traits such as emotional stability, kindness and agreeability. I think this is forever.

 

Don't go for a woman just because she's good looking and don't do long distance, big age differences, people who are wishy washy about you and also do not propose before 1-2years. Don't go for anyone who is not stable, mentally and financially. Maybe go for someone less....exciting? The "exciting" types are a bit unstable and seek novelty....meaning not you.

 

My H and I dated for 3 years and got engaged at 1.5 years with a 1.5 year engagement. Lived together 1 year before marriage to see if we got along.

[Sunlight72]

Hi BlueEyeL,

thanks for the sweet words.

 

Thanks for the advice - I don't know. I'm seeing a couple relationship therapists and talking with a relationship coach - it's helping. But I will say I'd take 5 years of (positive) excitement over 20 years of working along on my own. I'm 20 years into my business now, and it's relatively successful and interesting. It does not feel 1/3 as meaningful as the relationship and projected future of challenges and chance to build something with my ex-fiancée did. It feels like my life of work and regular friends and so on is mainly killing time.

 

I did chose poorly in my marriages. This recent one, I don't feel I chose poorly, but I am still very close to it and feeling the void inside without her, so it's a very subjective opinion.

 

Not doing long distance is a great idea. I'm talking to a real estate broker this week to see about selling my house in this little town and move to the city where there are many millions more people, and more chances to meet someone meaningful. Strong connections and excitement are rare and very valuable in my life. Two of my deepest friendships are with people in France. I don't have so many meaningful connections that I feel comfortable to walk away from them if they don't fit my geography. I prefer not to have them happen with distance.

 

I don't know what my point is.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Sunlight72

[heartwhole2]

I know plenty of people who married in their 40s/50s for the first time. Two of the moms at my kids' school didn't marry until they were 40+ (to husbands 10 years older) and still had one to two kids. A long time family friend just got married for the first time in his late 40s to a woman in her late 30s.

 

My paternal grandmother was born in 1903 in Appalachia and didn't get married until she was 36, which was practically unheard of back then. She had a master's degree and was quite independent.

 

All this is to say that there are many people who find a life partner later in life. The key is to focus on being the person you want to be no matter your relationship status, which no one can control. Should marriage be a goal? Heck yeah! I'd frame it as, "I'm ready for a serious relationship and I'd love to get married."

 

I think your idea of moving to the city is a good one. Or maybe just move to France? If your closest friends are there, maybe it's calling you?

[Destiny Couple]

Great Questions!

 

I can speak about myself as a married person and I can honestly say that I did not see myself marrying when I was younger, but for me I realise now that it was not to do with my age but rather what stage I was at with my life and how exposed I was to meet the right person. I met my wife as work, so was nothing too out of the ordinary, and I put it down to I was in a place where I was working with other women and they could see what I was like as a worker as well as a person.

 

So, with this said, I would not think that been your age, even if you are in your 60's should make any difference in terms of if you should marry or not. It's a personal decision, but for reasons that age should not matter. After all, marriage is about commitment, a type of status and how you see yourself with the person.

 

In some cultures, not being married is frowned upon, so it may determine how you approach the subject should you meet someone.

 

However, marriage should be about a union between people and after I met my wife, we didn't think about marrying at first. Then, we felt it was the right time. I am sure you will be in similar position once you feel the connection with your partner. It should all fall in place. If it doesn't, then is doesn't matter either. You can still have a great life with your partner.

[devilish innocent]

 

Maybe more useful - those of you who feel you have a successful marriage or have an inside impression of friends/relatives with successful marriages -

did you (or they) want to be married, and then at some point find someone to marry?

Or -

never really think about marriage, and then ended up with someone who eventually was too good to live without and got them to drop their single fortitude and change their mind about it all and get married?

 

I guess the first? We both always romanticized the thought of finding that one right person to share our lives with. The reason we met and the reason we started dating in the first place were because of that.

 

On the other hand, we were very careful about not rushing into marriage. We had both seen some of our closest friends and family members get married or engaged and not have it work out. We preferred to err on the side of caution.

 

It's not that marriage wasn't a part of our dream from pretty early on. We talked about it openly with each other. We both said we planned on marriage and were looking forward to it. The thought of there being a day that we wouldn't want to be together felt as impossible as the thought of their being a day when the sun didn't rise. It's just the formality of marriage that we held off on until there was no possible reason not to anymore.

[Cyndyrr327]

I’m 50 and was recently separated from my husband due to his affair. We are reconciling and it’s been a rough road but finally getting better. Any way, what I saw when I was briefly dating was that while there weren’t many choices at my age, they were more relaxed and knew what they wanted (including me) so I felt it was easier to date at this age than in my 20s. So I think it’s totally possible and maybe even easier (except for weeding through the messed up people).