Mothers Day, Past Abusive Mother Joins In

[DragonzRoost]

I am starting to think its going to become more difficult to avoid my past abusive Mother, as Holidays come and go. It seems she has became close with my Family, since claiming to of been in therapy. (Which may be true or not) My Grandparents trust her, but I do not and neither does my Husband, who has been very understanding throughout the whole thing. Granted he is just as uncomfortable meeting my Mother as I am, given I haven't seen her in over 15 years.

 

I won't go into detail about the things she had done to me but, will say she was not the best in my teens and as an infant. Fast forward to now and Mother's Day is coming up next Sunday. Of course my Grandmother must of convinced my Grandfather to text me saying

 

"Are you guys going to be able to make it over for Mother's Day, next Sun? Hope so, Nana really misses you. Luvu."

 

This has me uncomfortable for number of reasons, given that if my Mother is always around. I fear spending any time with my Family during the Holidays will be impossible, unless I give into seeing her. My Grandmother made it slightly worse by then asking me, if I would like her to get a card for my Mother, to give to me, to give to her. (Bad move) As she has not been that great of a Mother and there are many burnt bridges that will never be repaired between us. For her to say this made me raise my brow a bit, but I shook it off. I have thought about going there Friday and leaving Saturday afternoon, but I don't want to take the risk as I feel vulnerable in a sense. Like she would try to talk me into staying..

 

I have made it more than clear to my Grandmother, that I would want to meet my Mother on my own terms and perhaps at a more convenient time where Family isn't surrounding us. As it just makes it incredibly awkward and not pleasant for either of us. Now as my Grandfather is involved, I don't know what to do. I love him greatly and he took on the role of being my Father, when my biological (donor) ditched me as a baby. The last person I would ever want to hurt out of this is him and my Grandparents are not getting any younger. Plus there are children involved like my half Sisters who I just recently got to know.

 

What should I do and does anyone have anymore advice to lend in this mess? Thank you..

Edited May 6, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[vla1120]

I am sure your grandparents are anxious to have their family together again, but you need to do what is best for you. Seeing your mother for the first time in 15 years might be very difficult and possibly put a damper on the holiday for the entire family. Maybe you can explain this to your grandparents - that you are willing to meet with your mother, but on your terms and in your own time. I know you do not want to disappoint your grandparents. You have every right to want to see some evidence of her changing her ways before jumping in with both feet in front of family. If your grandparents are aware of how much she hurt you in the past, hopefully they will be respectful of and understand your wishes. Best of luck to you.

[darkmoon]

Send flowers and a card, but do not go

 

 

See their reactions, really look at who gets angry (an abuser will!) or who is respectful enough to call you and be pally...

 

 

My worry is that abusers can still abuse down the line, so you have every right to be wary and to behave as an equal adult to all family members

 

 

So - you are not the kid while they call the shots (abuse again, mild, but from the same department)

Edited May 6, 2019 by darkmoon

[DragonzRoost]

I might consider sending a card to my Grandmother or think about whether its worth making things awkward if we attend. I do believe it should be on my terms, so I'll be thinking of what to say before Mother's Day arrives. If we attend or not.. Thank you for the advice..

[MsJayne]

I wouldn't go. Arranging a family get together with your mother without properly consulting you or asking how you feel about it blatantly undermining you and making light of whatever you went through as a child. As for offering to buy a Mothers Day card for a woman you haven't seen for fifteen years because she failed as a parent, to that I say pfft! I think Mother's Day should be shut down altogether, giving birth should not bestow automatic sainthood on women but for some reason it does, and mothers are perceived in most societies as a Madonna figure, a self-sacrificing martyr who'd throw herself in front of a bullet for her children. Very few women fit this category, many women are inadequate and incompetent parents who should be called out, because their failure often poisons their children's future.

I would neither attend the Mothers Day function or send a card, and nor would I feel guilty or like I was being mean.

[amaysngrace]

I’d meet up with your grandparents for brunch on the Friday or Saturday before. This way you’ve spent time and honored them both but don’t have to deal with your mom.

[DragonzRoost]

MsJayne: I entirely 100% agree with you on Mother's Day. Woman should not praised simply for giving birth to a child, as not everyone does so for the sanctity of good. There are woman who would throw their children under a bus, before taking a bullet, let alone a scratch on the arm for them. It many times makes things complicated and causes more tension than good celebration. If people want to celebrate their (Successful/Good) Mothers love and devotion to their child, why not do so any other day?

 

Aside from this, I don't want to come off down in the spirits to those who celebrate Mother's Day without issue. I went ahead prior to these responses and agreed to show. I asked if there would be any conflict and the simple answer my Grandfather said was "I don't know, all I can tell you is that she has changed." When he says something, its always the truth, but that (I don't know) slight chance of there being conflict, makes me gear up rather than treat this as a relaxing event.

 

amaysngrace: I also think about all the other Holidays to come, where she will always show up. If I always avoid her, then I never get to see my Grandparents during those times. Worse yet we live 2 hours away, so having dinner is not very easy. We plan to pack the car up early morning Sunday, so if any sh*t starts up, we are able to leave immediately. Not only that, but I will know for a fact she never changed. That it was all an act..

 

On the other hand, I do feel my Grandparents disregard my feelings when it actually comes to seeing her. When I asked about Mother's Day, she never mentioned my Mother showing. (Even when knowing, I didn't want to see her.) Wasn't till I said "Is she coming?" that she muttered "Yes..her Husband too. The kids are coming though!" I have become resentful of my Grandmother using them against me, as a lure for me to attend. To a point it makes me silently blame my little Sisters, which I know is wrong. It doesn't make our bond closer, more than it tears us apart. I understand they want to Family all together again, but I think they forget the Family is not entirely whole. Its almost as if they are secretly saying "Get over yourself and make things whole again...for the children!"

 

I do not plan to get her a card or anything and neither any emotional embrace. My greatest fear is her stepping over those boundaries and touching me. At that point I plan to just leave.. One thing that continues to really sting, is that it took my Aunt (Same age as me, who is very close to my Mother. Always has been.) to leave her, as well risk the chance of losing both her other kids to (POSSIBLY) remotely consider change. I had no influence at all in that, out of everything. I made no dent in any of that influence, which makes me feel like a black sheep.

 

 

Question: How the hell do I stay strong throughout this? What do I freaking say to my Mother I haven't seen in over 15 years? What if she hugs me? Should I accept the relationship they have with my Mother or avoid the whole Family entirely? Lastly, should I read this entire thing to my Grandparents? Would this possibly wake them up?

Edited May 7, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[amaysngrace]

Honestly if I was having this much anxiety just thinking about it I wouldn’t go. Are you spending the night at your grandparents’ house on Saturday? You said you’ll pack the car early so was wondering if you could just head out way before dinner and avoid her completely?

 

Why did she reach out to them and not you directly? Or has she?

[nospam99]

Have you considered having a dialog (phone or face) with your grandparents? It sounds like you either never want to see your mother at all or only on your terms. Do grandparents understand? Do they understand why? How sympathetic are they to your feelings about your (non)relationship with your mother?

[Marc878]

This is your call no one else's.

 

She's your grandparents daughter so they want to see a fairy tale ending.

 

That may or may not bein your best interests.

 

What do you want?

[preraph]

I would not encounter your mother when other relatives are around for the first time in a long time. This is her having them fooled and using them for protection and trying to force contact with you, I'm sure. No doubt it would blow up. I just wouldn't do it. I would not even comment about the card thing. I would just ignore it and say, "Well, I'll miss grandad and you, but we've already planned a little getaway for that day just the two of us (or family - whatever)." Or tell them you've promised your family a staycation.

[Marc878]

If your mother wanted to rectify anything with you she'd reach out to you directly.

 

Sounds like she's manipulating others to set up this situation for herself mostly.

 

IMO not a good sign.

 

Beware what you're walking into. You owe most to yourself and your family

[darkmoon]

She wants some1 to look after her in her old age. Planning it early. No? OK, so ask her why she wants to connect again. See what she comes back with. And I also agree with the previous posters Marc878 and Preraph

 

 

I was abused as a child; it doesn't take much to feel all that hurt mount up in adulthood. If you feel it too, then run.

Edited May 7, 2019 by darkmoon

[DragonzRoost]

I certainly feel the hurt from it and the past abuse. Since our conversation and agreeing to go I've been laying in bed nearly every night having flash backs of abusive moments between my Mother and her Husband. It was horrible and I was terrified as a teenager. Wasn't sure if I was going to make it out alive or go completely insane from it.

 

There was constant screaming and I grew to hate my real name for the longest time because of her. She blamed me when kicking me out, claiming I had a choice in leaving, when I really didn't. I didn't bother going back though, because I wanted freedom from the abuse. I was also failing in school and my mental state was going down hill from them. It took a long time before I could stand getting hugs or touched from others, including Family. She caused so much drama and blame in turning outside Family members against me. Now she just randomly has been in therapy and has entirely changed to a new person. I honestly don't know what to believe in this Family anymore..

 

I could go down there and leave before the dinner, but that would trigger my Grandparents and would more than likely anger my Grandfather. The only solution would be to not go at all. Given its two hour drive, there would be no point in driving all that way, just to leave on Saturday or even staying Sun.

 

I agree entirely with the warning of what I could be walking into. That uncertainty from my Grandfather, makes me very aware that sh*t could go down and especially if its in front of children. (Some people in my Family have no filter.) I could be made the enemy of this Family and she could very well be using them as pawns against me. One major reason why she hasn't reached out to me herself is because I blocked her number and changed mine. I made it very well known that I did not want any communication with her. I have also said to my Grandmother (Which seems to go in one ear and out the other) that I would like to see my Mother on my own terms. (If ever) She seems to ignore this.. My Grandparents acknowledged my abuse and never took my Mother's side, even now.. They helped me through a lot of the trauma and repaired $17,000 of dental damage caused by neglect. They made sure I had clothes for school, made sure I had lunch money (Till my Mother banned them, then I had none most times) So they are very well aware of disgusted at the negligence of my Mother. I think they just want the fighting and silence to stop.. They have agreed and have told my Mother that the bridges she had with me are long gone. Whether they just see this as a metaphor and not real broken connection.....I don't know. They know that I've been through a lot with her.

 

One poster mentions my Grandmother wanting to pull the Family together for a happy ending, simply because she is their Daughter. The issue is that I would rather have no Family, than have my Mother think that what she did to me was acceptable and to see me as the problem. For years I've wanted to tell her what she did to me and see her reaction to it, just so I can have that remaining closure. I know that sh*t would hit the fan though and to an extent she has instilled fear in me. (Her screams and anger in the past was crazy)

 

I am thinking of having a deep conversation with my Grandmother over the phone about this tomorrow or even possibly tonight. To make her very well aware of what could happen. To see if she gives a sh*t about anything that happened or if this is all about her. (Likely) One of the biggest fears I have is my Husband being left alone anywhere near my Mother. That tells me that I don't even trust being around her. Another part of me wants to forgive myself and to move forward. I don't want to always feel like I don't have anyone Family wise or to feel separated. It gets lonely and I feel like the two choices I really have is to play pretend Family or cut them out of my life, if it includes my Mother.

 

(Sorry for the rant) I really appreciate everyone helping and lending their advice. It makes this less scary and opens my eyes to every angle of possibility. I don't want to approach this wrong or act blind to going. One last thing.. I have this deep sadness/fear of never seeing my Mother again and if she dies, I wonder if I will regret not seeing her? Anyways thank you..

I will update what happens after our conversation and whether we will be going.

Edited May 9, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[preraph]

Good luck whatever you decide. Just know that people don't change much. Therapy is not a miracle worker. She may understand more why she was the way she was and simply use that as her excuse. You don't know. It's like a friend of mine who can only be on time if she's meeting a man she's interested in but never her friends or family used her diagnosis as why she can't be expected to be on time and just expected everyone to not say a thing. We didn't go for it (two old friends of hers) and cut her off for that and other things.

 

There's no miracle here. Likely as part of her therapy she wants to unload herself of guilt or something selfish like that. OR she may be saying she's all well now from therapy just to get into people's lives and take advantage of the once more.

 

I'd keep her away from my kids, that's for sure. A friend of mine had an abusive dad and wanted nothing to do with him. So she had nothing to do with him and he didn't seem to care -- until he remarried and then I'm sure his wife was asking questions why he didn't see his kids, and he started trying to sidle up to my friend again. She saw him a couple of times and all he did was try to take advantage of her financially. She cut him right back out, forever.

 

You do what's best for you. I believe in therapy, but I also believe that people become who they are pretty young sometimes, maybe through no fault of their own, and that a lot of that becomes hardwired. I don't think therapy ever cures someone who has bad ethics.

[Marc878]

Just know that people don't change much. Therapy is not a miracle worker.

 

I believe in therapy, but I also believe that people become who they are pretty young sometimes, maybe through no fault of their own, and that a lot of that becomes hardwired. I don't think therapy ever cures someone who has bad ethics.

 

Seen this a lot.

 

I think the term "changed" is used lightly. They may control or manage their issues but that's not change in my book. They tend to revert back to their original character which is set early on.

 

Your grandparents are wanting a fairy tale ending. Because she is their daughter and they want to believe. However, your mother not reaching out doesn't bode well IMO

 

I think the best you could hope for is an awkward no darama time.

 

Good luck

[darkmoon]

So if you want to make sure that you see Mom "before she dies" okay. I think Mom will want to re-write the past when you meet. Make this easy for yourself and smile at whatever she comes out with. And you should have a couple of subjects/topics to chat about.

 

 

 

After Mother's Day, you are free to walk away, maybe keep in touch by email ... whether you like her enough to keep in touch is up to you

Edited May 9, 2019 by darkmoon

[MsJayne]

I certainly feel the hurt from it and the past abuse. Since our conversation and agreeing to go I've been laying in bed nearly every night having flash backs of abusive moments between my Mother and her Husband. It was horrible and I was terrified as a teenager. Wasn't sure if I was going to make it out alive or go completely insane from it.

 

I relate every easily to what you 're saying. You probably live with symptoms of PTSD flaring up every now and then from what you went through, as many child abuse victims do. I just really would not go, and if that pisses your grandparents off, so be it. You sound like you may have a lot of repressed anger that needs to come out, so now is your opportunity to let some of it go. Maybe start by refusing to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed into accepting your abuser back into your life. You say your mother couldn't 'phone you, etc. Believe me, if she wanted to apologise for abusing you she would have found a way to get the message to you without involving other family members.

I come from a similar background dynamic, and one of the best things I ever did was start saying 'No'. You have every right and reason to say, "No, thank you, I do not want that person in my life."

[DragonzRoost]

Good luck whatever you decide. Just know that people don't change much. Therapy is not a miracle worker. She may understand more why she was the way she was and simply use that as her excuse. You don't know. It's like a friend of mine who can only be on time if she's meeting a man she's interested in but never her friends or family used her diagnosis as why she can't be expected to be on time and just expected everyone to not say a thing. We didn't go for it (two old friends of hers) and cut her off for that and other things.

 

There's no miracle here. Likely as part of her therapy she wants to unload herself of guilt or something selfish like that. OR she may be saying she's all well now from therapy just to get into people's lives and take advantage of the once more.

 

I'd keep her away from my kids, that's for sure. A friend of mine had an abusive dad and wanted nothing to do with him. So she had nothing to do with him and he didn't seem to care -- until he remarried and then I'm sure his wife was asking questions why he didn't see his kids, and he started trying to sidle up to my friend again. She saw him a couple of times and all he did was try to take advantage of her financially. She cut him right back out, forever.

 

You do what's best for you. I believe in therapy, but I also believe that people become who they are pretty young sometimes, maybe through no fault of their own, and that a lot of that becomes hardwired. I don't think therapy ever cures someone who has bad ethics.

 

I read this and it helped me realize that I need to be incredibly careful. My Grandparents have told me stories of her behavior as a child growing up into teen. Its been a behavior and a deep part of her personality for a long time. My Husband also thinks there is something she wants, maybe a baby sitter, who knows.. Regardless you made a really good point and I greatly thank you for your honesty.

 

Marc878: Very true and I think she will revert as well after this. It will just be incredibly awkward and I think my Grandparents will eventually see through her when she starts back up.

 

MsJayne: Exactly this! I constantly am battling PTSD flares and was diagnosed/enrolled in a required therapy program. Took half a year to be approved and pass the course, as 1 year of exposure therapy. The flare ups use to be much worse than this.. Its nice to know I am not alone on that.. You are right, she would had made the effort regardless to apologize or reach out. I think I need to stand my ground after reading through these posts, because if I were to give in now, then I am in a way giving into the manipulation and blackmail circulating in the Family. Thank you for this advice!

Edited May 9, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[nospam99]

OP, this situation i.e. being coerced into meeting your mother in a crowd of relatives ON MOTHER'S DAY STINKS. Depending on if your mom is smart enough to do it, it sounds to me like you are being 'set up to fail'.

 

Two questions I'd ask your grandparents and DEMAND good answers:

- what are the limits on your mother's behavior? topics discussed? voice raised? lies? physical demonstrations? touching?

- what happens if any of those limits are breached? who must leave? how will that be enforced? how do grandparents know it can be enforced? are they willing to call the police?

 

I believe you wrote that mom has a husband. Will he be there? Do you know him well enough to trust him to 'muzzle' and remove her if she gets out of line?

 

For FWIW, I wouldn't go. An anecdote about a dicey family situation that I was involved in AND where I was 'in control'. My father (I can't call him 'Dad' without gagging) was an azzhole. I was hosting a large family gathering after my parents were divorced. After inviting him, my siblings and my mother expressed valid concerns that he would make a scene and spoil the event for everyone. I 'uninvited' him. My decision - the right decision, no regrets.

[vla1120]

When push comes to shove, you have to do what is best for you and your husband. While therapy might help us alter some of our behaviors, for the most part, a person does not change their true personality. You may want to take this into consideration when making your decision.

 

Also, I know you are afraid of disappointing your grandparents. If you weigh the pain and anguish you endured from your mother's behavior and treatment of you, I'm guessing the disappointment your grandparents may feel will pale in comparison. Again, you should make the decision that is best for YOU, not for them, not for your mother. You can show your grandparents your appreciation and love in ways other than showing up at their house and feeling like you are being thrown into the lion's den full of a family, many of whom abandoned you or turned on you because of your mother.

[DragonzRoost]

(UPDATE)

 

I've read everyone's comments and made a decision with careful thinking and consideration. I don't want to feel like a sheep or weak in this Family, neither do I want to run away or be used by anyone, especially my Family. I have an Aunt the same age who has a very spike, shifty and inappropriate attitude/mouth that lets loose at random. I can only guess where she gets this from..

 

Given therapy is not a cure to someone's personality, I get that.. I don't want to cold feet and guess whether she has truly taken to heart what therapy offers someone. I knew years ago that one day I would either encounter her or keep a strong distance. I do know one thing.. I will never allow her around my future children, especially alone. The only relationship she can remotely save is with me and that does not come with benefits or a guarantee.

 

I've decided to face my demons head on and I still feel crazy, but oddly in a right feeling of doing this. My Husband and I might go down there, just to satisfy my Grandparents for Mother's Day, but I want to see my Mother alone in public. Given it be at a diner, at a mall sitting down or at a library. I want to test whether she has remotely bothered to apply any lessons of what therapy offered her. I want to show that I am not afraid of her and she can do me no harm anymore. I want to tell her

 

"I need to be able to communicate to you about changes that I need to see made in our relationship and in your character. I need to be able to give you that feedback and for you to receive it, hear it and apply it to your life and if you are not able to do that, we cannot have an effective relationship."

 

This would of thrown my Mom in a blind rage and she would laugh at the thought of me implementing any control. I want to see what happens when the shoe is on the other foot. If she gets angry, looks disgusted, irritated, emotional, uses my Sisters or the past against me, to see what she will do in front of me and others in public. I want to see what she is like, with the therapy she has been committed to. (If any) I think this will show me, what she is truly like underneath or if she can even handle being without control, while always keeping my defense. (I will never trust her)

 

If she shows any spark of her old ways, my Husband and I will leave Saturday afternoon/night. I will refuse to attend Mother's Day (Any Holiday with her) knowing she has no control over her old ways and I will know for certain that our relationship is truly over. I will know I stood up against my Mother (Who I feared for years.) Gaining some closure, given her a final chance to mutually see eye to eye. Not repair, but keep a professional, adult, controlled relationship for the children. Not a trusting one and neither close. I refuse to let her think she controls when she sees me and I also refuse to be walked on by Family. If they want a happy ending, that will come at a price and it will be left up to my Mother and ultimately me.

 

I'm not worried about her Husband, though he was equally abusive he is hurting himself now. He is overweight, over eating, struggling with past abuse and I don't fear him in the least. I know I can leave at any time.. What my main concern is, that she shows me that she acknowledges what she did to me and sincerely apologizes for it, not expecting anything in return. (I don't expect an apology)

 

I know I feel crazy doing this and I am aware that I am throwing myself in a lions din (More like a lion's mouth).. but I can't see it that way. For years I wanted to do this and I think that its that time. Its either that or we just don't go.. Reading everyone's comments helped me realize how messed up my Family is acting in all of this and to see myself through this as strong. I shouldn't excuse someone who abused me, neither Family who took part in it. Maybe I am crazy and this is a dive off a huge cliff that could end badly, but I don't think I will know unless I try. Its that or continue to avoid her and the Family. The issue is I love my Grandparents and I do believe they want a fantasy ending for the Family, as they are not getting younger. Without them I more than likely wouldn't even be alive. I think I owe it to myself to face my biggest fears, which might repair other fears as well.. Who knows..

This might do nothing in the end and likely end all relations with Family, on most occasions.

 

Regardless I want to thank everyone for their massive support and critical advice! I appreciate it tremendously..

Edited May 9, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[vla1120]

I am proud of your decision! You are strong and you've got this. You'll be the one in control of the situation, like you said. By handling it this way, you are retaking the power from her, from your past, and showing your strength. Good for you. I wish you the best - and even if it doesn't turn out exactly perfect, you're still making just the right amount of effort by taking this first step.

 

Hopefully, other family members have matured like you have. If not, just remember, you are Teflon. No matter what anyone says or does, it will slide right off!

[DragonzRoost]

Thank you so much! My Grandmother has since responded kind of rudely and short to my plans of meeting my Mother prior and giving the ultimatum of leaving Sat if I feel she hasn't changed or refuses. Its becoming clear who is truly behind this and that this was possibly the plan of my Grandmother.

Not changing my plans though and am staying firm on my decision, whether she likes it or not.

Edited May 9, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[amaysngrace]

Your grandparents should support your wishes as much as they support your mother’s. Anything less from them puts you at a disadvantage.

 

Please tread carefully.