Mothers Day, Past Abusive Mother Joins In

[darkmoon]

Let us know what happened/s. This thread is fascinating.

[Rayce]

DragonzRoost I wish you peace, love and forgiveness through this journey.

 

I am so proud of you facing your fear and doing what is best for you! You will not regret this. You have the upper hand and can walk in with the confidence. Maintain your composure through the visit and when it is all over you have found yourself stronger.

 

I had a similar experience and it went well for me. Both my parents were extremely abusive and there was a 10 year period of time when I did not see them. When I did... I went in expecting to still feel the anger that I had always carried with me.... So... I was surprised when after not seeing them for so long how I saw them... I saw them as these little old people. They were shut ins… helpless… at the end of their life. I did not see the horrible scary adults I grew up with anymore.

 

I am so glad that I made that trip that year... it allowed me to see them a few more times after that on my terms. It's been a few years now since they died... and I feel good about myself. I have no disillusions about who they are but by finding forgiveness at that time I have peace now.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 9, 2019 by Rayce

[gaius]

Honestly Dragon if your grandparents have been good to you and you love them I don't think you should involve them in your dispute with your mother. They're probably of the age where their lives are winding down and they want a relationship with their child in the time they have left. Out of love give that to them, drama free. No ultimatums about holidays or threatening to leave.

 

If there's an occasion where you know your mom is going to be there, have a polite excuse as to why you can't attend and go see them when she's not there. And do your best to work past the feelings you still have. I forgive my mother but I'll probably never see her again before she passes. Anger and hurt doesn't hold me back and I don't have to put up with her dysfunction in my life. The best of both worlds.

[preraph]

If your grandparents are your mother's parent, then just realize they may have made her the way she is. Her failure casts a bad light on them, so of course they have every motivation to alleviate their own guilt by putting a bow on it.

[darkmoon]

was going to suggest a code-word for Dragon to say if she wants her husband to get up and make to go home, blaming heavy traffic to avoid...

 

 

this may be an ordeal, Dragon has suffered PTSD since being invited (or manipulated more like) for Mother's Day

 

 

if the relationship is crap for the other 364 days of the year M's Day is just meaningless

[DragonzRoost]

(Long rant post, apologies..)

 

By arranging to meet my Mother on Sat and using this as an ultimatum, it seems to have triggered my Grandmother. She sent me a long text about all these things regarding her health, after telling me less than a week ago that she was healthy and even her heart came back with great results from the Doctor. Suddenly this has changed to "I can't hear about anything stressful, or this could be bad for my heart. I want you like everyone to be happy. I blacked out and hit my head, now on bed rest." She is in her early to mid 60's, plus she has a past of being a chronic liar. I can tell when she is lying and telling the truth. It sounded like an excuse when talking to her or an attempt to guilt trip.

 

However when I called 10 to 20 minutes prior, my Grandfather said she was out shopping for the event. That went to "I was shopping to find something for my head, because I hit my head a few days ago." My Grandfather always says when she is not well and he did not seem in the least bit worried about her. In fact, he sounded as though she was just doing some browse shopping. Either way....something seemed off about that. It sounded like he told the truth (Because he never lies) and she then lied to make an excuse for avoiding our discussion regarding the arrangement to see my Mother. I have a feeling she is hoping I will just give in..

 

I stood my ground and refused to budge and texted back "Well, then I guess since your health cannot handle this, it would be best to not come to avoid any conflict. Reason why I wanted to arrange to meet my Mother alone." She then called and said "You want me to give you her cell so you can arrange to meet her?" I replied "No....I want you to tell her, given you have a relationship with her, to meet me at a location on Sat." (I don't want her to have my number. Dodged that fast bullet..) She then said "I don't want to be in the middle of it." Then I thought (Are you not making yourself apart of it, by inviting my Mom and me to the same location?)

 

Rayce: That is what I am prepared to see.. Not the same person who I feared as a teenager, but that life has given her a dose of reality. I am hoping this gives me peace and stops the PTSD flashes or at least reduces them.

 

gaius: I try my very best to not involve them in my dispute with my Mother, but I also feel that they have invited themselves in, by getting closer to her after hurting us both. If they trust her and believe she has changed, then that is absolutely their right. By inviting me to join in on Family events and requesting I be there, I feel its my right to do everything to protect myself from whatever could happen. I personally do not think she has changed, but they do and apart of never seeing her again involves them. (They always want her around, for the kids/my half Sisters.) She used them against them many times and now as they have a chance to be with them, they have taken her "I've changed entirely!" without thought. I think she will hurt them again and if given a chance, me as well. So I want to see for myself just who she is now and what has changed about her. Only way to do that is to meet her alone, without Family around to influence.

 

I believe my Grandmother made her the way she is, but she will not admit that. My Mother has talked about parts of her abusive past when I was with her as a teenager and when my Grandmother has been confronted with my Mother's accusations, she denies everything. Its hard to know what the truth is, but it shows itself after a while.. I still leave this up to her reaching out and meeting me at the chosen location. If she makes an excuse or doesn't show, then I know her intent was never to see me for the reasons that she changed and will leave late Sat afternoon/night. It gives my Grandparents time to see me, allows me to give my Grandmother a card, roses, bake my Grandfather cookies and a chance for my Mother to show herself. In the end, I feel its the only way to resolve this..

 

This is the last update, till the event takes place and then I will update with what happens. How this turns out Idk and hopefully it will be for the better.. Apart of me is scared and the other half is remaining strong and determined. I am hoping once I see her, that the fierce Mother I once knew will be tired and ready to move forward in life. That the fear will turn to "What happened to you?" or that my view of her will turn to resolve something in me that has been missing. Like a chunk of depression that was caused by my past for many years and to see whether she admits this or shows that it has taken a final toll on her, as it has me. Like "Lets move on already..I'm tired and I am sure you are too." I also keep replaying what her first reaction of me will be. Will she cry? Will there be a tear? Will she be disgusted or angry? Or will she have the same cold look she had from when I walked out the door with my clothes in hand. What will she do? I really am scared on one side and feel like a child and my older self is pulling me along to finish things...

 

Thank you for everyone's support and advice, it means a lot to me and I wouldn't be getting through this without it.

Edited May 10, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[heartbrokenlady]

Not much to say, other than I wish you luck and at least a little closure!

[DragonzRoost]

(UPDATE)

 

Well I met my Mother after so many years..

I honestly didn't recognize her, because the image of my Mother being young in her 30's, drastically changed to her being older.

I agree that the fear I initially had of her, slowly drifted away and my brain went into a shock.

 

I didn't know what to say, but something propelled me forward and she hugged me for a long time. Then I broke down into tears and I really tried my hardest to not show weakness. It was between a feeling of being struck with a bag of bricks and feeling lost. She said that she knew and it would be okay. She looked in similar shock..

 

Then it took me 30 minutes to even say a word. I felt between a dream and being awake. I then took 3 to 5 shots of rum/coke to pull myself out of it. (Not good, but the feeling was that awkward.) She didn't push anything and I went outside. She came out and sat with me..

 

During our talk I noticed a few things.. 1) She would tug back and forth with herself between her old controlling voice to almost correcting herself to listen and being able to take criticism.

2) She talks a lot..

 

For the first time in my life I was able to stand up for myself several times during our conversations and I finally felt in control. She mentioned going to therapy with my Grandmother, which didn't go too well because she claimed my Grandmother just told the therapist about the past. I asked that she not mention any issues she has with her Mother and to keep it between them. She then asked if I had a hard past and I said yes, but I am very happy in my marriage and have a great, supportive Husband. She then said "I know its hard to communicate and coming forward, I didn't want to push anything. I know its with (said disability) I then corrected her and said "Please do not bring up my disability, as I do not let it define me. Don't bring up the past or anything medical." She agreed not to and she was kind of shocked that I blocked her and set down hard boundaries.

 

When she mentioned therapy she said "It won't be me or you talking about everything we went through or talking about the past, but the therapist will ask how we feel." Then that is when I kind turned my head.. How can the therapist know how you feel, if they know nothing of what happened? I know my Grandmother talking about the past didn't help the relationship between them, but it could be beneficial to know where I lost connection with my Mother. It came off as controlling and I told her I had been in therapy and know how they do things. I think any therapist will want to know what happened and depending on who she finds to do this session, it may or may not salvage things. I do think it is a first step to trying, which is what I wanted to see from her..

 

Now comes the sticky part..

She asked me to be honest with her and I told her, that there are bridges that have been burned down and will never be repaired. That they can never be built again. She followed up with "Are you sure that those are bridges that can never be fixed?" I looked at her and said, "Yes I am sure. They will never be able to be repaired." At the end of the day, we all ate and everything was between awkward and somewhat nice.. As I mentioned leaving she said "Oh I can put my number in your phone" She looked nervous and sad (She mentioned this earlier) I then said "No...I am not ready for that, we can do email." She wrote down her email address, but I didn't give her mine, which she expected. She touched my cheek and hugged me, telling me she was happy for me and that it will be okay, that we will get through this. (Therapy)

 

In the end I've came to the conclusion that she still has a long way to go personality wise. She does rock back and forth between control and remembering that she cannot do this or it could be the end for us. I would say she is trying, in some ways... My Husband thinks I should focus on building our Family and admitted to being jealous of my Mother. He thinks that she hasn't changed entirely, but does show wanting to heal. I also admit that I don't want to be clouded and to always remain on guard.. One thing will always be permanently engraved and that is I will never trust her 100% ever again, those bridges are gone, she will never be left alone with my future children or Husband. I can never see her in the same light, but somewhere I feel that inner child inside me hurting and missing my old Mother before she was lost and became abusive. Its like seeing my Mom, kind of opened deep wounds that can finally heal, but it stings. That child inside me cries out for my Mom and wants to cuddle up to her side like when I was little, but I can't.. It really hurts...

 

I hope things get better and hope that I did good in the end.

Edited May 13, 2019 by DragonzRoost