Confused_worried Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 (edited) Will try to be short, I really need help. Im dying inside thinking back and forth about this. I’ve been with my bf 2 years, we had a uncertain start. After first time sleeping together we decided that we don't want each other to see other people. We moved forward very quickly. Shortly, few days after I caught him still using a dating app. He never admit doing something inappropriate there, just browsing for No good reason. He regret it and I almost broke it of, ended up staying around although hurt. Not knowing him well at all, with a history of a guy really deceiving me I started to view our early relationship very casual, expected it not to last, didn't trust him but enjoyed the company I guess. At the same time I had some mixed feelings for someone in my past, and ended up briefly sleeping with him, during a time window of one week. It felt very wrong and I stopped it. I kept seeing my now bf and grew into trusting him, seeing a wonderful person in him and in the end falling very hard for him. I love him more than anything. I am very committed which I wasn't when we first where going out. The other person that I was involved with is not around and lives far away. I have never done anything like it again, nor would I. I am not happy about my behavior. I feel like a horrible and false person and that this act is just awful. I'm struggling with how to view this and if I should accept that I during some circumstances made a terrible mistake knowing what I know now, accept it, be better and let it go. Or if I should come clean, potentially ruining everything for something that meant nothing that was done in a very early stage when us as a whole was an unsure thing. As I can’t talk to anyone about this, I’d be grateful for some advice. Edited May 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 2 years ago during the rocky beginning to a dating relationship, you slept with somebody else over the course of a week. Assuming you haven't done that again for more than 18 months, just put it out of your mind. Confessing now may make you feel better but it will then be BF's burden to carry or he will break up with you. If your indiscretion really was to a one off close to the very beginning of your relationship just leave things be. N.B. if you were asking me now, shortly after you had sex with the guy at that point I'd be asking you Qs about what is missing from your relationship & encouraging you to come clean. Now after all these months, dredging up ancient history is pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 You should tell your bf and give him the opportunity to stay or leave. You got upset and mad for him being on a dating app and almost broke up with him. You ****ed another man. He deserves to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 I agree with "USA1ah", If you love this man and want to build a future, you can't start the foundation on lies. Tell him the truth, and ask him for his forgiveness. If I can read you correctly, the guilt is killing you because of your love for him and the betrayal. Do you want to live the rest of your life with this on your shoulder? Best, Dreamer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to be honest and come clean to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 If you think that not telling will lead to problems such as intense guilt, then tell him as you don't want the secret to undermine the relationship. If you were "ok" with what you did, because it was so early on, etc, then I would say it's not worth the risk to tell. It's a gamble - from what you write it seems like you're not ok with keeping it hidden anyhow. Better that he find out now than right before you're about to marry one day or something like that. Be very careful not to do something like this once you actually are married to someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
michzz Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 I feel like a horrible and false person and that this act is just awful. I'm struggling with how to view this and if I should accept that I during some circumstances made a terrible mistake knowing what I know now, accept it, be better and let it go. Or if I should come clean, potentially ruining everything for something that meant nothing that was done in a very early stage when us as a whole was an unsure thing. As I can’t talk to anyone about this, I’d be grateful for some advice. I suggest that you go over this with a therapist AND get your self tested for STDs as well--even if you think there is nothing to worry about in that regard. And, after going over your options with a trained professional, approach your man about this. Yes, it may end your relationship. But it may not. If I were your BF I would not want to find it out by having an STD or from a third party. These kinds of things have a way of coming out in ways that are out of your control. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Unless 'sort of' is some sort of code for 'entitled' I'm not see how there was any 'sort of' about it. Although tbh lack of paragraphs made it a little hard to follow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Where is YOUR accountability in all this? You blame shift the entire episode, and take zero accountability for your actions, your BF is a REAL lucky man.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Unless 'sort of' is some sort of code for 'entitled' I'm not see how there was any 'sort of' about it. Gave me a chuckle also. No only that, but she only "ended up briefly sleeping" with the other man. I guess "sort of" and "briefly" cheating isn't the same as your every day kind. OP, as has already been said, "Do unto others..." ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_worried Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 If it was the other way around, and if it really just was in the beginning before we really knew how we felt for each other and what we want, while being in an early stage of us getting to know each other, I would prefer not to know. Why? Because it is something that ofcourse would upset and hurt me, but it is something that I would forgive. we agreed to see each other knowing that neither one of us was in a place where we where certain that we actually wanted a relationship, this is a conversation that we had. I would understand that he wasnt as comitted as he is now. Knowing would not add anything good for me if it was the other way around. I dont know if he has done something similar, we where apart for some time. And if he did, he ended up choosing me. I feel bad for what I did, I regret it deeply. I would never do anything like it ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
AGoodFriend Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Bury this one and move on. Everyone is different, but I for one wouldn't want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 we agreed to see each other knowing that neither one of us was in a place where we where certain that we actually wanted a relationship, this is a conversation that we had. If as you say, what you & your now BF were to each other was undefined at the time you slept with the other guy, you have to get over your guilt & keep your mouth shut. If you speak up, your BF won't be understanding. Men are different about stuff like this; he will see you as damaged or soiled. If you have to get it off your chest, it will be the death knell to your relationship. Are you willing to pay that price to clear your conscious? I don't even think you have anything to feel guilty about. You were not exclusive when you strayed. If your BF ever point blank asks, you can't lie but there is no need to spontaneously confess either. If you were with this other guy AFTER you made promises to be exclusive with your BF, that would have been cheating & it would be wrong. What you did was a grey area. So my advice to keep it to yourself remains. The double standard you initially espoused is a bit problematic. You were ready to dump him for being on an app but you want him to be OK with you being on another guy. That part I take issue with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truf Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) If as you say, what you & your now BF were to each other was undefined at the time you slept with the other guy, you have to get over your guilt & keep your mouth shut. If you speak up, your BF won't be understanding. Men are different about stuff like this; he will see you as damaged or soiled. If you have to get it off your chest, it will be the death knell to your relationship. Are you willing to pay that price to clear your conscious? I don't even think you have anything to feel guilty about. You were not exclusive when you strayed. If your BF ever point blank asks, you can't lie but there is no need to spontaneously confess either. If you were with this other guy AFTER you made promises to be exclusive with your BF, that would have been cheating & it would be wrong. What you did was a grey area. So my advice to keep it to yourself remains. The double standard you initially espoused is a bit problematic. You were ready to dump him for being on an app but you want him to be OK with you being on another guy. That part I take issue with. But she wasn't. She just felt that way. She only said [...we don't want each other to see other people.], and that she felt unsure about the relationship. That's why she cheated. There is nothing about agreeing to see other people or being on a break or whatever. She had sex with someone because she couldnt trust him because he was on tinder. Edited May 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator reply to deleted post Link to post Share on other sites
Bananapancake Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Bury this one and move on. Everyone is different, but I for one wouldn't want to know. I agree with this. It was not so great of you to do that, even in a greyzone, you know that and it felt wrong. You made a mistake, a mistake that you will never do again. Learn from it, strive to be better, and bury it for good. Take care of your loved one, he deserves it. Some comments are very harsh here, it was wrong yes, but sometimes it changes people to the better. Perhaps we should be a bit more humble sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_worried Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) p is based on a lie & her BF deserves to know. If the other guy happened at a point before they were exclusive, it's no harm no foul. Well, he told me a while a go that he was obviously not comitted enough to not be on the dating site at that point, hence we barely knew each other at that time. So I Guess neither one of us where ready for that right then... Edited May 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
truf Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) If there were no clear boundaries, like not exclusive yet, I'd say it's best to tell them there are other people in the picture. Then you'll never have the gray zone of cheating or not, because they have the choice to accept it. If you don't tell them, yeah it's not wrong. But don't act surprised they get mad because they thought you were only dating them. Be clear and truthful about such value-laden topics and such things don't happen. Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 confused_worried Based on that, tell him. Break it gently & have some sort of plan to get past it. Do you have a point afterwards when you finally felt things were solid? Suggest that as a new anniversary date or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_worried Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 confused_worried Based on that, tell him. Break it gently & have some sort of plan to get past it. Do you have a point afterwards when you finally felt things were solid? Suggest that as a new anniversary date or something. Yes.. we both dont feel like the date we have really is the date, it just happen to be the first time we slept together. We probably do need to set a date that is more honest... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 I would understand that he wasnt as comitted as he is now. But you didn't hesitate to light him up when you though he was considering cheating on your new relationship? Tough to have it both ways... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_worried Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 But you didn't hesitate to light him up when you though he was considering cheating on your new relationship? Tough to have it both ways... Mr. Lucky As I Said, theres a lot of things I’d do differently looking back. I thought the conversation we had meant something else maybe and was a bit surprised. Looking back altogether, it was probably not a conversation we should have had at all at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 You're not married, you're just dating and what you describe was too early in your current relationship to be of any value to your boyfriend. Who he is NOW is different than who he was THEN while he was still on the dating apps that so unnerved you. No - do not tell him because this PAST circumstance is a FALSE present day representation of who each you are in this relationship and forcing him to evaluate this as a present danger is a lie. A cruel lie about both of you. I think your guilt is misplaced. It's not your boyfriend you have let down, it's yourself. This was never about your boyfriend - it was about you misjudging your own past. Forgive and forget, you are not that person in the rear view mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 In a nut shell - You want the boyfriend you know now, and he wants the girlfriend he knows now. This is the truth. Had this person from your past turned out to be your true soul mate all of these critics demanding absolute truth would be proven wrong by the reality of your then best interest. Truth does not exist independent of time. The truth as we know it - is relevant to WHEN we know it. Now is NOT the time because what you fear most in not true in the present time. If truth were absolute we could not grow. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 The problem with things like this is there is always a risk that it comes to light. I guess the question isnt really should or shouldn't I confess but what kind of relationship do I want to have, one built on lies and secrets or one that is open and honest. Another factor is your ability to actually hold the information in. I sense from your writing that your guilt is growing, at some point it may simply be too much. Sometimes people just overestimate their ability to deceive. Most people are really good at heart and cant maintain carrying a secret of this magnitude. Lastly, I'm going to challenge you on the whole you would not want to know business because its 100% false. He was merely nosing around on a dating app and you couldn't let that go. What you're doing is look for something to quiet your guilt, but deep down you know the truth, you would want to know. What kind of relationship do you want? That's the question you need to be asking. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 we have talked about the topic. He stated that he would forgive, but maybe not be able to handle it well at all and that he’d prefer to not get the information. Preferably ofcourse, he’d prefer that there Are no such information to share. That complicates things too. I suppose I'd try to dance around it . . . confess without actually saying anything & double down on how things are good & solid now. Maybe focus on the ILY day as the true anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
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