Sort of cheated - torn

[Turning point]

Another factor is your ability to actually hold the information in. I sense from your writing that your guilt is growing, at some point it may simply be too much.

 

Sometimes people just overestimate their ability to deceive.

 

All based on a false premise, because I suspect her guilt is entirely misplaced.

 

She had put a previous relationship behind her but, lacked the self confidence to leave it in the past. Her regret is that she didn't trust herself enough to leave it alone, she second guessed herself. She cheated on herself and that's enough to generate all of this guilt. It's being misdirected at the boyfriend who's really not any kind of victim here.

 

None of this requires deception, secrecy, lies, or even guilt with respect to the boyfriend. Simply forgive yourself and move on. Telling the NOW boyfriend is a form of approval seeking - not honesty.

 

It's the same cycle repeating itself: She couldn't stay with her own judgement and had to double check, now she can't forgive herself and wants the boyfriend to do that for her - another double check. It's not fair or kind to the boyfriend, who already has the woman he wants.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Turning point

[DKT3]

We cant force our own personal morals on others. She feels like she cheated so she did, it's not any one else's place to say she didn't, it's not any one else's place to tell her her guilt is misplaced.

 

In short, she feels she wronged her BF and feels guilty for it, how does she move pass it? Telling her to forget isnt the way because as I said her guilt appears to be growing.

[Orokotikki]

Turning Point, having re-read the paragraphically improved first post, I am not seeing what you are at all.

 

I know some of people have a point of view where BF/GF relationship is not officially exclusive unless explicitly laid out as such, but such is not the norm for my community and age (35), and anyone I know (with maybe 2 exceptions) would have described the the first post as an incidence of cheating.

 

Although I didn't see how long exactly there going out before she nailed an ex, it was apparently 'some time'.

[Foxhall]

OP,

 

 

let sleeping dogs lie on this one,

 

 

keep your trap shut,

 

 

do not dig a hole for yourself based on some supposed high moral ground notion,

 

 

what he does not know will do him no harm,

 

 

enjoy the relationship you have now and move forward and forget about this "indiscretion"

[kendahke]

No lie stays buried forever. The truth ALWAYS outs when it's least convenient for the liar.

 

 

Trust me--this guy is going to pop up again--or he's going to run his mouth to someone who knows you but doesn't like you and they're just looking for a reason to drag you down a few feet.

 

 

Tell the truth. You were grown enough to do it. Be grown enough to take your butt whippin' for it.

[Turning point]

No lie stays buried forever. The truth ALWAYS outs when it's least convenient for the liar.

 

She didn't lie. Neither of them was committed to the relationship. What they said never aligned with what they thought or did at that time. This tit-for-tat over dating apps and ex's is just a backhanded way of crash testing FEAR of a relationship.

[DKT3]

No, she actually isn't. At this point she is pretending to be what he wants.

 

I dont understand this about some women, I mean those of you that think whatever you've done is ok as long as the people who love you dont know that you've done it.

 

Listen, she believes she cheated so it's not your place to say she didn't. The fact that she gave him a hard time for just being on a dating app confirms that level of commitment, a commitment that she cant have one sided, nor does she appear to. Pushing your personal agenda and believing you are the authority on what is or isn't cheating isnt going to help her feel better or be a genuine person.

 

You dont confess to those you love to unload your sh/t on them, you do it to let them know who actually it is they are loving and making that commitment and connection with, and it be based in reality and not a false perception.

Edited May 9, 2019 by DKT3

[kendahke]

She didn't lie.

 

 

I don't agree with you and that's as far as I"m taking this discussion with you.

[kendahke]

No, she actually isn't. At this point she is pretending to be what he wants.

 

I dont understand this about some women, I mean those of you that think whatever you've done is ok as long as the people who love you dont know that you've done it.

 

Listen, she believes she cheated so it's not your place to say she didn't. The fact that she gave him a hard time for just being on a dating app confirms that level of commitment, a commitment that she cant have one sided, nor does she appear to. Pushing your personal agenda and believing you are the authority on what is or isn't cheating isnt going to help her feel better or be a genuine person.

 

You dont confess to those you love to unload your sh/t on them, you do it to let them know who actually it is they are loving and making that commitment and connection with, and it be based in reality and not a false perception.

 

 

Well said.

[Tristian]

Everyone, we are going to return this thread to the OPs situation.

 

 

Those wishing to debate what is or isn't cheating or any other general topic can do so elsewhere.

[d0nnivain]

Neither of them was committed to the relationship. What they said never aligned with what they thought or did at that time.

 

This is what I missed the 1st time & where it's a but grey for me. After they had sex with each other for the 1st time they verbally agreed there would be no one else. He went on an app anyway. We don't know if it was more than that. She had sex with another guy.

 

Because the OP said she & her BF have danced around the issue of how rocky the beginning of their relationship was, to use Mr. Lucky's phrase, in this particular instance I suspect that both would be willing to "take a mulligan." Hence I suggested that they talk & redefine their anniversary to a later point, like the 1st ILY when they were on more solid ground.

[Turning point]

..or they could stop regurgitating the past and live in the present.

 

They're not perfect, Their past is not perfect, and making up fake anniversaries achieves nothing. Why is it so hard for people to appreciate what they already have?

 

Op, you want the guy and you have the guy. The issue you cite is with yourself and it is better for both of you if it is resolved on your own.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Turning point

[guest569]

..or they could stop regurgitating the past and live in the present.

 

They're not perfect, Their past is not perfect, and making up fake anniversaries achieves nothing. Why is it so hard for people to appreciate what they already have?

 

Op, you want the guy and you have the guy. The issue you cite is with yourself and it is better for both of you if it is resolved on your own.

 

Yeah I don't get the fake anniversary.. Speaking up now will cause drama as you've kept quiet far too long. Someone asks "would you want to know?" but the question should be "do you need to know?"

[Confused_worried]

..or they could stop regurgitating the past and live in the present.

 

They're not perfect, Their past is not perfect, and making up fake anniversaries achieves nothing. Why is it so hard for people to appreciate what they already have?

 

Op, you want the guy and you have the guy. The issue you cite is with yourself and it is better for both of you if it is resolved on your own.

 

Thank you, for your inputs.

I will think everything over.

[Confused_worried]

Yeah I don't get the fake anniversary.. Speaking up now will cause drama as you've kept quiet far too long. Someone asks "would you want to know?" but the question should be "do you need to know?"

 

Yes, it feels terrible. And that is a valid question.

[michzz]

No, she actually isn't. At this point she is pretending to be what he wants.

 

I dont understand this about some women, I mean those of you that think whatever you've done is ok as long as the people who love you dont know that you've done it.

 

Listen, she believes she cheated so it's not your place to say she didn't. The fact that she gave him a hard time for just being on a dating app confirms that level of commitment, a commitment that she cant have one sided, nor does she appear to. Pushing your personal agenda and believing you are the authority on what is or isn't cheating isnt going to help her feel better or be a genuine person.

 

You dont confess to those you love to unload your sh/t on them, you do it to let them know who actually it is they are loving and making that commitment and connection with, and it be based in reality and not a false perception.

 

My ex-wife was like this.

[Confused_worried]

My ex-wife was like this.

 

I’m sorry she cheated on you. Was it during your marriage? Do you know her reason?

[michzz]

My ex-wife was like this.

 

I’m sorry she cheated on you. Was it during your marriage? Do you know her reason?

 

I could give 40 pages of her excusemaking, but it boils down to that she wanted to and managed to get away with it for a long time. We were married with two kids.

 

Also, as it turns out, she cheated when we were engaged and a few more times over the years before the long, drawn out affair.

 

Some of the affairs she has never admitted to. Others, I didn't know about until the "big reveal" of the longest and last one.

 

Note: If I had known of the first one, I'd have left her then. She was very good at keeping her activity secret. It got complicated to pull the plug later with kids, school fees to pay, a life, ya know? But finally? For my own sanity I had to leave her. Galling that she would at that point try to act like I was the love of her life, the whole "give me another chance" thing.

 

Nope, she infected me with a disease that has given me cancer and continued to lie even after I did give that chance.

 

Like I said, some cheaters only regret getting caught, but they will play-act the role they think you want them to be.

Edited May 10, 2019 by michzz

[usa1ah]

I really believe you should be honest with your bf.

 

Some women have posted on here and other sites how keeping it to themselves has actually damaged the relationship.

 

While others don’t see cheating as a big deal.

 

You said in your first post that you were in a committed relationship with your bf. That the two of you had already told one another that there were no more seeing others. You broke that by seeing an ex of yours. You should be honest with your bf.

[elaine567]

If you want to be single again then tell him as that is where telling him will lead...

[Ddog]

If you want to be single again then tell him as that is where telling him will lead...

 

Or never see him again if it learns it from somewhere else...

 

From my point of view should be better to tell him. That will get something big from your chest if you feel so guilty about it. Maybe it will take it badly and dump you or but most likely it will be okay about it and give you a chance because it was only at the beginning of the relationship.

 

Even if the guy is now far away thing could come back to his ear quite easily. Better be honest that always the good thing to do. But if you tell him and he forgives you. Never talk to the old guy ever again because it will shackle the trust he got for you.

 

You made a mistake in the beginning of the relationship you feel bad for it for a long time and try to be honest. If he dumps you in that kind of situation at least you didyour best and know that maybe you two are not made to each other.

[loversquarrel]

She didn't lie. Neither of them was committed to the relationship. What they said never aligned with what they thought or did at that time. This tit-for-tat over dating apps and ex's is just a backhanded way of crash testing FEAR of a relationship.

 

I disagree. Her whole post is disingenuous at best. She is qualifying her actions with words and phrases such as "sort of", and "briefly". She is also setting a double standard of punity for her catching him on a dating app and almost breaking up with him. That last statement alone speaks of exclusivity, but to fit her argument she is rewriting history to make herself feel better by stating she didn't trust her bf and it was in the early stages.

 

So what is it op? I don't believe you are being completely honest with us and we are complete strangers.

[elaine567]

Even if the guy is now far away thing could come back to his ear quite easily.

Nonsense, who is going to be blabbing here?

The guy she slept with is hardly going to be shouting that out that from the roof tops and who else knows apart from the OP. Its old news and unless she decided to spill the beans she could easily take this to her grave.

Why ruin things?

Her bf may not be that innocent here either but it is water under the bridge and never needs to be spoken of again...

[usa1ah]

Not all men or women leave when they find out something like this.

 

There are quite a few that have stayed knowing that it happened early on in the relationship.

 

It is normally the extenuating circumstances in the relationship that drives the decision.

 

If your relationship is in a great position right now, there is no better time to tell.

[usa1ah]

Nonsense, who is going to be blabbing here?

The guy she slept with is hardly going to be shouting that out that from the roof tops and who else knows apart from the OP. Its old news and unless she decided to spill the beans she could easily take this to her grave.

Why ruin things?

Her bf may not be that innocent here either but it is water under the bridge and never needs to be spoken of again...

 

Cheating is never old news. When the betrayed hears about it, it’s like it just happened for them.

 

I have read a few threads where the affair partner has spilled the beans. Men like to boast about there conquest. I have heard them do it and the bf or husband finding out in that way. Normally it is a friend that relays the info back to the betrayed.