How to figure out what type of relationship suits me and create goals

[Fruitee]

Hello

 

So I have been told I need some relationship related goals but I am not sure how or from where to get started.

 

I am over 30. I have good job. Higher education. I am a woman. I have nice apartment.

 

I have had serious relationships and even lived with a man.

 

My relationships usually end due to cheating, man losing his interest on me / in our relationship, there has been abuse and all kinds of problems e.g. with alcohol.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to move in with a man, I don't want to get married and if I want kids I would do it alone.

 

I have some ideas on what type of man is suitable for me and what I find important e.g. having fun, travel, active life style, being able to have meaningful discussions.

 

But I do not know how to create some goals or find meaningful relationship. Any thoughts?

[Blind-Sided]

Well... Unfortunately, as I read though this... you contradict yourself to the point that I'm not sure a relationship is possible. I'm not trying to sound negative... but if you have the want/need to not be married, and to have a kid on your own, why would a partner want to stick around? Sure, I'm sure there is someone out there who would want to live an entire life as basically a "Friend", but that isn't the norm.

 

 

I'm truly sorry that you have had bad luck with addiction, or a partner cheating. Neither of those are acceptable, and I worry about those points as I move forward in my own life.

 

 

I wish you luck in your search, but keep your goal list to a couple mandatory points. To me... I would be looking for honesty, no heavy vices, and a good intelligence level. I don't want to have to worry about trust, and I need to be able to have a real conversation. (I don't do stupid) The problem with most people is that they look at vanity first.

 

 

Just my random thoughts.

[FMW]

Sounds like you just want a FWB, a real friend (not just a F-buddy) but nothing deeper. Someone to keep at a certain distance from your home life and possible parenting.

 

That might sound ok on the surface, but I think you need to give that some serious thought.

 

My suggestion would be to learn how to choose partners who won't cheat or be abusive or have addiction problems. The trick to that seems to be taking time to get to know the other person before getting too invested.

[Gaeta]

There is no magic recipe to find the perfect partner, you just keep on looking till you find him. You make yourself a list of deal breakers and you respect it. You don't want a man with alcohol issues then at the first sign of it drop him, you don't want a cheater so at the first sign he's eying other women and making comments about their body parts, drop him. You don't want a liar, drop him at the first lie. You will not run out of men to date.

 

 

 

You've been in these bad relationships because you endure their bad behavior. A man with poor character will show you very EARLY he cannot be trusted. Learn to identify a manipulator, a liar, a cheater, and drop. These flaws come up somehow in 2 months or so so there is no reasons for you to be in a relationship with a liar months and years.

[d0nnivain]

First learn to recognize red flags. If you see somebody regularly drinking too much, dump him. If you find that you cannot trust a man, dump him. Stop hanging around & trying to fix him.

 

Second slow down. Do not expect a solid relationship to form quickly. It takes time, months, years. Date somebody for at least a year before you even think about moving in with him. Date for at least 2 years before you entertain the idea of marriage. If you get engaged have a long engagement & get premarital counseling to learn about conflict resolution. Only after you have been married for at least 1 year & have some money in the bank should you consider having children.

 

When you skip these steps & don't really get to know somebody & his family, you fail to build a foundation that keeps a relationship together.

[preraph]

That's fine. It is hard to make a relationship work and I'm one of those people who doesn't want it if it isn't fun, so I too decided when to throw in the towel and just realize I like me too much to put up with very much stuff. I liked some men who weren't the responsible type, too. I like arty/musician types. They're the best, but they're not always good with money or there when you have a flat tire! More like I would be that person. So I knew early, in my 20s, the ones I loved were not good marriage choices. I loved one who was not like that and is reliable, but he couldn't keep it in his pants, so there you go. He thought he was ready to have kids and settle down (I didn't want kids or it might have survived), but he was still bedding every woman who assured him it was no strings. Because he had married young and just waiting for the divorce to be final, so he wanted to sew some oats -- while at the same time acting desperate to have kids.

 

Anyway, for some people, like me, relationships are kind of emotionally draining. High highs and low lows. Not everyone is cut out for the contented middle road. You always wonder if you just didn't meet the right one, but you also know a lot of it is just you.

 

It's your one life here , at least this time around, and you should follow your own path, even if others disagree. I'm 66, no kids, lived my dream when I was young, and no regrets -- just some money worries, but having a family doesn't make that go away!

[snowcones]

Date men over 45. Many of them have their own place and are not interested getting married again or having more kids.

[RecentChange]

Sounds like you have decided to give up on having a happy healthy relationship because you have had abusive ones in the past.

 

My advice? Why not get some counseling so you can understand why you invited abusive men into your life before? Work with a counselor to better understand what healthy relationships look like, and how to identify the red flags you must have been missing?

 

I think it’s much easier to live this life, especially parenting children etc if you have a great partner by your side.

 

Not all men are bad, absuive cheats - far from it. But for some reason those are the ones you have encountered.

 

I say work on yourself a bit so that you can be open to a healthy loving relationship. Trying to protect yourself by keeping things casual rarely works out well in the long run.

[Mr. Lucky]

First learn to recognize red flags. If you see somebody regularly drinking too much, dump him. If you find that you cannot trust a man, dump him. Stop hanging around & trying to fix him.

 

Agreed. Fruitee, all of the negative behaviors you describe make themselves known early and often in a relationship, but we overlook them because we're "in love". Want to avoid issues with drama and drinking? Stay away from alcoholics and abusers, it really is that simple.

 

Pickier up front usually means happier down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Date men over 45. Many of them have their own place and are not interested getting married again or having more kids.

 

If you want to retain your independence, this is the way to go. Though I doubt many would put up with the idea of you having a baby/child around and the limitations on lifestyle it brings.

 

I assume you're looking at sperm donor rather than a guy you're not living with fathering the child?

[TheFinalWord]

Good job with wanting to set up some goals!

 

A good goal template I use for pretty much all dimensions of health: physical, mental, financial, relationships, etc. is the SMART goal template.

 

SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Action-Oriented, Realistic, and Time-Bound.

 

--Specific: You want someone extremely independent, does not want marriage, and does not want children. Someone mentioned divorced men. That might be one approach.

 

--Measurable: What are deal breakers for you? Things you can objectively assess to filter out men that you know are red flags that cause problems later on. It sounds like alcohol has been an issue. You might want to find out about drinking habits early. What are your sexual boundaries? If you have a history of dating abusive men, you might want to set clear intimacy goals for yourself so you don't catch feelings for an jack a$$.

 

--Action: How are you going to meet this man? Are you open to initiating?

 

--Realistic: You have to objectively assess your physical attributes. Men are visual and men's attraction. Also, what do you bring to the table beyond looks? Are there areas you can work on to bring as much as possible to a relationship? The more you have to offer someone, the more options you will have. In terms of the realistic part of goal setting, there is only so much time to dedicate to dating and self-improvement. So your goals have to be realistic for you. Too tough, and you'll give up. Too easy, and you won't feel any challenge and will lose motivation.

 

--Time-Bound: Especially if you are working on self-development, set a date for goal completion. Having a deadline helps keep us moving. For example, if you think losing 10 lbs. will increase your attractiveness, have an end date when you will lose that extra weight. If you want to work on how to become a better partner for a man, maybe there is some classes you can take. For example, you might check out Coach Craig Kenneth on YouTube. He has workbooks you can complete that help you identify your attachment style and how to improve based on your attachment style. Also, it helps you identify other people's attachment styles, which can help you identify red flags and avoid toxic men. I'm not 100% sold on attachment style theory, but there is some truth to it and there are clear assignments you can work on to help your self-improvement journey.

 

You can use a sheet of paper and draw columns with each of the SMART components and write them down. A lot of the psychological literature indicates writing goals down increases the likelihood of their success.

 

The hard part is even if you feel lonely or the guy is handsome, if what he wants does not align with your goals, you have to have the strength to not go there.

 

Good luck!!

Edited May 8, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Dandelioness]

How your attachment style impacts your relationship

 

Lisa Firestone

 

"Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. An attachment pattern is established in early childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood.

 

This model of attachment influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs. However, when there is an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern, and a person picks a partner who fits with that maladaptive pattern, he or she will most likely be choosing someone who isn’t the ideal choice to make him or her happy."

 

For starters, I'd look into what attachment styles you have and go from there.