confuseddumpee Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Hi, I just need somewhere to gather my thoughts. I got dumped after 3 years. We had LDR, which made both of us feel like our feelings faded a bit when we couldn't see each other in a long time, and every time we met again our feelings came back. This apparently was a lot harder on my boyfriend, and he wanted to break up because "he doesn't want a relationship where he has to question it". There were other reasons too, but mostly I got the vibe that he's quite unsure what he feels and what he just generally wants in life. He has admitted that when we spend time together he doesn't question our relationship. We broke up a month ago and after that I've contacted him like 3 times a week. He's either answered really briefly or ignored me. He's acting very cold and distant, which I think has to do with him trying to stick with his decision. I've now decided to try NC as he obviously needs space and hasn't really lost me yet, as I've always contacted him. Our LDR would have ended in a few months. Is it worth a shot later on? Should I stick to NC unless he contacts me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 NC is about you healing. It's not a way to manipulate him into coming back. Do nothing until the distance closes. Then you can try meeting face to face. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 I've now decided to try NC As the poster above suggested, going NC isn't some sort of manipulative tool to try to win the person back by "making them miss you". Even if you achieved such a result the effects would be shortlived at best because the underlying reasons they dumped you still remain. Going NC is for your own self improvement, or even to retain your sanity, nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 He isn't very interested in you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 A LDR is pointless if there's not some end point. Three years is a really long time and if there was still no concrete plan to change that, I think it's better for you both to be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 I got dumped after 3 years. We had LDR, which made both of us feel like our feelings faded a bit when we couldn't see each other in a long time, and every time we met again our feelings came back. This apparently was a lot harder on my boyfriend, and he wanted to break up because "he doesn't want a relationship where he has to question it". There were other reasons too, but mostly I got the vibe that he's quite unsure what he feels and what he just generally wants in life. He has admitted that when we spend time together he doesn't question our relationship. We broke up a month ago and after that I've contacted him like 3 times a week. He's either answered really briefly or ignored me. He's acting very cold and distant, which I think has to do with him trying to stick with his decision. I've now decided to try NC as he obviously needs space and hasn't really lost me yet, as I've always contacted him. Our LDR would have ended in a few months. Is it worth a shot later on? Should I stick to NC unless he contacts me? No do not contact him stick to NC. Were you the one who reached out to him 3 times a week or was he contacting you? If you were the one and he wasn't he really broke up with you in a mild way. People break up saying they need time but they really mean it's over. You say it was a mutual break up but it sounds more like he was the dumper. Why were you contacting him 3 times in one week if he asked for space? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 A LDR is pointless if there's not some end point. Three years is a really long time and if there was still no concrete plan to change that, I think it's better for you both to be done with it. There was a concrete plan to end it, it was ending in a few months. He has decided to end things just before they were going to be together full time... I am guessing another woman in the picture somewhere or the desire to play the field or he wants to finish it now before he ends up with a heartbroken woman on his doorstep... Also some people are entirely happy with a LDR, as it gives them a lot of freedom, turning that into as 24/7 relationship may not be seen by them as a good thing... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Reaching out to a dumper is a waste of time. Most dumpers have thought long and hard before they make the decision to split, they tend not to want to get back into the relationship, but if they do THEY are the one reaching out. Leave him alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Elaine is right - the timing indicates he wanted to end things before he lost the long distance excuse to not be able to see you very often. You can and will do much better - let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddumpee Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) As the poster above suggested, going NC isn't some sort of manipulative tool to try to win the person back by "making them miss you". Even if you achieved such a result the effects would be shortlived at best because the underlying reasons they dumped you still remain. Going NC is for your own self improvement, or even to retain your sanity, nothing more. There are several reasons why people pursue NC. It is not manipulative to give someone space after a breakup and then contact them again. He isn't very interested in you at all. We were together for 3 years. Why would you even say that? No do not contact him stick to NC. Were you the one who reached out to him 3 times a week or was he contacting you? If you were the one and he wasn't he really broke up with you in a mild way. People break up saying they need time but they really mean it's over. You say it was a mutual break up but it sounds more like he was the dumper. Why were you contacting him 3 times in one week if he asked for space? I never said that he said that he broke up with me because he needs time. I never said that it was mutual - I clearly have said that he was the dumper and I was the dumpee. He hasn't asked for space either, it's just obvious that he needs it right now. Obviously I was contacting him because the breakup was sudden and I miss and missed him. Edited May 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 There are several reasons why people pursue NC. It is not manipulative to give someone space after a breakup and then contact them again. Space is a misnomer IMO. To reconcile you need to work together. Drifting apart & not talking tends to cement the dumper's decision to split because that person learns they don't need their EX. There is no one else in the picture. Also, doesn't make any sense that he would break up with me because of the LDR ending because that's all we wanted - to not be in LDR. I rarely jump to the conclusion that there is someone else but it is easier to hide cheating in an LDR. There is a possibility that a break up which happens right before the distance is about to close is predicated on the knowledge that the dumper wasn't quite as faithful as you would have hoped. I still think your best bet is to reach out in person once the distance closes. If you can't fix it then, give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddumpee Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 Space is a misnomer IMO. To reconcile you need to work together. Drifting apart & not talking tends to cement the dumper's decision to split because that person learns they don't need their EX. I rarely jump to the conclusion that there is someone else but it is easier to hide cheating in an LDR. There is a possibility that a break up which happens right before the distance is about to close is predicated on the knowledge that the dumper wasn't quite as faithful as you would have hoped. I still think your best bet is to reach out in person once the distance closes. If you can't fix it then, give up. Yes, it just that one problem in our RS was that I was too clingy and we talked too much and got a bit bored of each other - in this case, distance can (hopefully) take away that boredness and bring back interest. Also, it seems like he is quite confused/lost right now so he needs time and space without me to gather his thoughts. I have no reason to suspect cheating, so let's just leave it at that. Do you think I should wait for them to reach out or is it okay for me to reach out? How would I know when the distance has closed? It's been a month since the break up but only a week in no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 What are the circumstances of the distance closing? Do you have another way of knowing when he's back? I assumed this was a college thing, where he was coming home after graduation & through mutual friends / family you would be altered to his return. Since you were clingy during the distance, that may explain his cold feet now. Without the buffer of the distance he may be fear you will be worse & more smothering, never giving him a moment's peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddumpee Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 What are the circumstances of the distance closing? Do you have another way of knowing when he's back? I assumed this was a college thing, where he was coming home after graduation & through mutual friends / family you would be altered to his return. Since you were clingy during the distance, that may explain his cold feet now. Without the buffer of the distance he may be fear you will be worse & more smothering, never giving him a moment's peace. I'm studying abroad but I'm going to move back. We'll be spending the summer in the same town and then I'll be moving back during the autumn. We've spent a lot of time together - it's not like he doesn't know what it's like to be with me. At most we've spent 6 months in the same town. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 As I see it, you've already approached him a lot. 3 X a week. You're broken up. Of course he's being cold, distant, ignoring you, etc. He broke up with you and you're acting like it did not happen. I imagine he's experiencing the clinginess that made him question in the first place. Please don't contact him anymore. It's time for you to move on. I hope your next relationship is not long distance. Those are hard and ultimately will reach a dead end if the distance is not closed in time. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 You have been reaching out and he remains cold and distant. What does that tell you? I know you are upset and hurt, three years is a long time, but it seems pretty clear he has ended it and has no regrets. If I were you I would take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 I bet there is another girl he's eyeing. Sorry OP, but you seem to have all the answers so I don't know why you need this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Then you will know when the distance closes. You will be home. When you get back in town and NOT BEFORE reach out & say something light & pithy like "I'm back in town. I'd love to see you. Wanna meet me for coffee at [place] on [day]?" Until then have a grand summer abroad. You are fancy free. Enjoy that! If you do it right, you won't even notice his absence Link to post Share on other sites
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