Just too much to take at times

[Lostjoe]

I am fairly new here, but have read a lot of posts. Mainly looking for anything to compare to my situation. I guess i'll just throw it all out there...

 

I am 36, my W is 41, we have been married for 8 years and have two kids, 5 and 8. About 5 years ago, my W had an affair with a patient from her work. I didn't know about the affair at the time, but had a pretty good idea. She moved out, but we saw each other almost everyday. She moved back after about 8 months. She explained the situation to me, saying it was really messed up and how she just was a screw up. She claimed that she would never do that again to me, as it was awful for both sides.

 

Things took awhile to get back to "normal" i guess, but most of it got repaired. There was a part of me tho, that never fully healed. I would occasionally get thoughts of driving home from work and seeing another car in the driveway, or wonder if the car just left. At times, im sure this way of thinking didn't put me in the best frame of mind when seeing my W.

 

Then about 2 years ago, my W, lost both of her parents to cancer within 4 months of each other. It was awful, it was a lot to take. Over the course of the next year, my W struggled with her emotions, and was extremely quick to anger. I never knew what version i was going to get.

 

Then in August of 2018, she told me that she wasn't happy, and not sure what she wanted to do. I was taken back, and didn't know what to do. Seemed like just talking about it made matters worse, because she just couldn't explain how she was feeling. Then in September 2018, she informed me that she used the inheritance from her parents, and bought a house and was going to move out. She got the house late October, and moved somethings into the house, while still living in the same house as us. So, i more confused than ever, and asked if we could do MC, my previous requests were denied. This time, she said yes, that she has been thinking more and more about it. So we started MC, our counsellor wasn't the greatest, it was more of us going out for drinks after our session that was more helpful.

 

Things were improving, we went to the caribbean in Feburary 2019, and things were looking good. We had renters lined up for the house she had bought. Then March 15th, she stated that she couldn't rent the house out, and feels that she needed to move out. Something she had to do. So she left that day.

 

I'm trying to respect her space, but its been 6 weeks, and i don't know what to do anymore. We are splitting the kids, 50/50... and it kills me the days they are gone. I've tried the 180, but my W has ways of pulling me back in. She will text me that she misses me, and that she misses being a family and as a sucker, It fills me with hope and i try to open up, just to have her be cold right back. I am lost here.

[preraph]

It sounds like she's more craving some space and independence than that she's out looking for men, at least right now. You know, it's a lot of stress and exhaustion having two young ones. They are going to be easier to manage in a couple of years, but those baby/toddler years are suffocating. It may be she just realized she'd bit off a lot and needed a change and some down time. I would consider this a separation right now. If your state requires separation before divorce, you might ought to file the papers to make that official (the separation) so you don't have to wait another six months or something if it comes to that. But then don't give up on it and just see what transpires here in the next few months.

 

She might decide she doesn't like it. You might decide you do! Having the kids 50/50 can be freeing for both of you and give you some relaxation and leisure, so try not to waste this time with worry. She's discontent. It doesn't sound particularly aimed at you but with the lifestyle itself, with what limited info I have to go by. Good luck.

[JuneL]

“my W had an affair with a patient from her work”

 

Is she a healthcare professional? Are you sure she hasn’t crossed her professional boundaries, in addition to crossing her personal boundaries?

[Lostjoe]

“my W had an affair with a patient from her work”

 

Is she a healthcare professional? Are you sure she hasn’t crossed her professional boundaries, in addition to crossing her personal boundaries?

 

 

She worked in addictions. Yes, she crossed all boundaries... could've lost everything. Which made the situation even more confusing and almost unbelievable. She has since left that job, but still works in a similar field.

[Rotaglia]

It sounds like you both need to make some changes if the marriage has a shot. Has either one of you filed for divorce?

[JuneL]

She worked in addictions. Yes, she crossed all boundaries... could've lost everything. Which made the situation even more confusing and almost unbelievable. She has since left that job, but still works in a similar field.

 

Wow I’m speechless

[Lostjoe]

It sounds like you both need to make some changes if the marriage has a shot. Has either one of you filed for divorce?

 

 

No one has filed, but we do have a legal separation in place back from September. She was not allowed to get a mortgage without it.

 

We are both doing individual counseling, but I agree with that changes are required, I am willing to put the work in, but hard to say for her, leaving her family has a way of casting doubts.

[Marc878]

 

I'm trying to respect her space, but its been 6 weeks, and i don't know what to do anymore. We are splitting the kids, 50/50... and it kills me the days they are gone. I've tried the 180, but my W has ways of pulling me back in. She will text me that she misses me, and that she misses being a family and as a sucker, It fills me with hope and i try to open up, just to have her be cold right back. I am lost here.

 

The only way your wife has control over you is because you allow it.

 

You are currently living on hopium. You are allowing her to play you like a cat with a mouse. Stop being a mouse.

 

I suspect if you take a deep look you'll find another affair. If they ever even stopped.

 

How is living life on your wife's terms? Unless you stand up and take control of yourself that will continue unless she gets tired of playing and dumps you.

 

You are lost. That is on you not her.

[Marc878]

No one has filed, but we do have a legal separation in place back from September. She was not allowed to get a mortgage without it.

 

We are both doing individual counseling, but I agree with that changes are required, I am willing to put the work in, but hard to say for her, leaving her family has a way of casting doubts.

 

You cannot fix or change her.

 

Your best bet is figure out how to fix yourself. That is your main problem at this point.

 

She's fine living like you are. How do you like it?

[vla1120]

Affairs are very hard to overcome. You'll always have trust issues with her. Not only does it not go away, sometimes you carry those doubts and insecurities into your next relationship (not that you are looking for one, but that's why it is good that you are in individual counseling.) In addition the trust issues, if I were you, I'd be concerned about her self-control and integrity issues, having an affair with one of her patients.

 

Don't give up on marriage counseling just because you got an ineffective therapist. Keep trying until you find one who works for the two of you. Meanwhile, keep going to individual counseling. Regardless of what happens, you'll benefit from therapy now and in the future. Best of luck.

[notbroken]

Will you ever be able to trust her again? She cheated once for sure and left you again (possibly cheating, but it doesn't matter the reason). You can't have a secure comfortable relationship with someone you can't trust and who may leave at any time.

 

Stop chasing her. The fantasy is over. You know who she is. She has shown you that (forget what she says - go by her actions). Decide what you really want and act accordingly.

 

I suspect delaying the inevitable is just causing you more pain. I'm sorry.

[Marc878]

Marriage counseling if she's in a current affair is a waste of time/money.

 

Affairs trump everything.

 

Unless that changes nothing else will either.

[Orokotikki]

She still cheatin'.

Get a PI if you need convincing, otherwise lawyer up.

Sorry man.

[mark clemson]

People fall out of love. It's normal and happens all the time. It's unfortunate when one falls out of love and the other one doesn't, but what can you do?

 

Sounds like she's just insecure enough to keep putting out bread crumbs, which doesn't really help YOU much either.

 

You're trying the right things (MC, 180) and should strongly consider some of the other advice like checking on her cheating again.

 

This might be salvageable, but it frankly doesn't look good. Sounds like you've already started coming to grips with that.

[elaine567]

Any bereavement but especially when it involves close family of friends, tends to lead to a reassessment of life and a putting of things into perspective.

Seems to me your wife decided that remaining married to you was not in her future plans list and given the opportunity to leave via the inheritance, she hummed and hawed for a while but eventually made up her mind to up sticks and go.

 

I don't think there is much you can do here, apart from being the best co-parent you can be for your kids.

 

(BTW after a split, it is fairly common to miss someone or miss the previous life together, but wanting them back is a different thing all together...)

[Mr. Lucky]

About 5 years ago, my W had an affair with a patient from her work. I didn't know about the affair at the time, but had a pretty good idea. She moved out, but we saw each other almost everyday. She moved back after about 8 months. She explained the situation to me, saying it was really messed up and how she just was a screw up. She claimed that she would never do that again to me, as it was awful for both sides.

 

Lostjoe, I'd guess the real reason she came back was simply that the affair didn't work out the way she hoped and wanted. So you were second choice, the fall-back plan to provide a temporary fix.

 

And to put it bluntly, she's continued to look to upgrade ever since that occurred. So you're left fighting a battle that for her was decided long ago. I'm a big believer in fighting for your family and marriage, but you're doing so at very short odds.

 

Do your best to prioritize her actions over her words, it will provide more clarity moving forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chryssy83]

Even if she’s not actively in another relationship right now (which I really think she might be) she’s not being true to you and your marriage. My husband left and came back and then left again. In between we had another baby that I thought we both wanted....but it turned out he never moved out of his other place. He never truly came back.

 

I wonder if it’s the same for you....at some point regardless of why it happened or how you have to accept someone is gone. In my experience its like a weight has been lifted because I am less vulnerable and more free. Not being lied to anymore feels good and I bet she’s lied way more than you know or are willing to admit. What she did with her affair that you know about with the patient was really really messed up.

[Turning point]

...at some point regardless of why it happened or how you have to accept someone is gone.

 

I agree with this. Putting all other details aside, this woman has abandoned you twice. You are the stable adult in this, and it's time for you to stand up on your own, care for your kids and be the better example of how to live and care for one another.

 

Is she the higher income earner? If you're economically tied together it is best for you to undue that even if it means a change in your lifestyle. Divorce will help you balance that equation and believe it or not - a divorce may actually be the better form of relationship with her.

 

Buying a separate house and marriage counseling are on opposite sides of the spectrum and the two are irreconcilable, IMHO. I think you are simply getting used.

[Lostjoe]

The only way your wife has control over you is because you allow it.

 

You are currently living on hopium. You are allowing her to play you like a cat with a mouse. Stop being a mouse.

 

I suspect if you take a deep look you'll find another affair. If they ever even stopped.

 

How is living life on your wife's terms? Unless you stand up and take control of yourself that will continue unless she gets tired of playing and dumps you.

 

You are lost. That is on you not her.

 

 

I know... i am allowing it. I don't engage her in conversation, but when she engages me, its almost like a geyser goes off, and i can't stop it.

I hate living on her terms, but having a hell of a time disconnecting from her. Us having kids together, makes no contact impossible.

[gradh]

I know... i am allowing it. I don't engage her in conversation, but when she engages me, its almost like a geyser goes off, and i can't stop it.

I hate living on her terms, but having a hell of a time disconnecting from her. Us having kids together, makes no contact impossible.

 

Next time she texts you that she misses you and the family, text her back with "If that were true you'd be here with us." then follow it up with "Please don't text me anymore unless it's something to do with the kids"

 

If she continues to text about other stuff, keep texting it "please don't text me unless its about the kids"

 

Don't fall into her trap of nonsense. Follow the 180 plan.

https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

[Blind-Sided]

These guys are right unfortunately. You can read about my problems in "20 years gone?" just below. But eventually, you have to just make the break regardless of how hard it is, otherwise the hurt will just continue.

[S2B]

Stick to a rigid schedule and don’t communicate unless it is an extreme emergency.

 

This is a woman who cheated on you. Broke the law at her job and risked you’re family and everything you own by breaking the law at her job.

 

Now she got money and betrayed you by spending that money outside the family’s best interest.

 

She’s selfish and proves she doesn’t think of you and the kids.

 

Divorce her so you can cut the ties with her. Only deal with her regarding the kids - and I would limit that to emails so you don’t have to speak to her. Answer anything she asks in five words or less answers. Yes or no is best.

 

Try and only answer yes or no. This will save you from getting into ANY emotional conversations.

 

You can’t fix her. You’re better off divorcing her. She made too many choices that aren’t in the best interest of the marriage and the family.

 

She’s likely cheating now too.

[loversquarrel]

Ugh....dump this garbage and quick. At your age get a younger woman and get rid of this old aging hag. Be thankful she doesnt want you, it frees you up for better times ahead.

[schlumpy]

What is that you want? You can't go back to what you thought you had. It's gone forever. Welcome to the new norm.

 

If you are comfortable with what she is doing make some popcorn and watch TV. If not, make some plans that will improve your life and do not include her.

 

Think about waking up in the morning next to someone who says, "Good Morning love."

 

 

Best Wishes

[Lostjoe]

So it's been almost 6 months since she's moved out.

 

I don't feel complete, but feel like i have started putting some of the pieces back together. I've read the advice on here many, many times, and as more time passes, the wisdom shared becomes more apparent.

 

The hardest part is still days without the kids... and its not just cause i miss and love them, but when I don't have them, i feel like i am failing them as a father and a role model. That remains the hardest part of the whole situation.

 

As for my ex, we have very little contact nowadays, which is sad in its own right, but it was the only thing that truly worked, and that's coming from a guy who wanted to keep the relationship(maybe still want to have a relationship in the future).

 

So I'm still lost, but maybe found a trail of crumbs that will lead to some serenity.