Devastated

[Heart and Soul]

Hi there,

This story is a lot about the detail but would be very long if I went into it fully, but I just wanted to know if anyone could help me. My friend and I stopped talking back in January after I had said a lot of insensitive things to her regarding her marriage, she asked me for advice and instead of listening I told her what she should do and that she should stop doing other things, so as not to go back to old habits, I hadn’t realised at the time that I had done so, I did it again 2 weeks later with another highly emotional and sensitive subject to her. In between this time we hadn’t seen each other for a month and she was avoiding contact with me. I text her to ask if she was ok, and her reply was quite aggressive in her manner of what I had done to her, I was patronising and I didn’t have the right to tell her what to do and so on. I was dumbfounded I had no idea she felt this way or that my actions towards her had been so painful for her, I was the one who kept communicating via text over recent weeks, but nothing was said until my text asking. So this was a complete shock as well as very traumatic in the way I took on and internalised the things she had said.

I asked her if we could talk, she said she didn’t want to at this time, I apologised deeply for my actions and she didn’t want to talk at this time and then added a hurtful comment at the end. I was devastated a week later being an emotional wreck I text again, asking for forgiveness and could she text me back, no reply. I tried again 2 days later and again a very angry text, don’t push me, don’t go one better and knock on my door, not a good idea, I said I didn’t want to talk at this time, just stop.

Weeks went by no contact, I reached out one more time when I heard of some sad news for her, no reply, more weeks went by and still nothing. I had convinced myself that I had pushed her away for good, feeling completely irrational, obsessive and paranoid and needing the pain to stop I felt that if I cut her off the pain would stop, so I blocked her calls and deleted her from my Facebook. 2 weeks later she tried to call me but couldn’t, she messaged me on messenger and we had agreed to meet until she realised what I had done and then she got angry again and said that she wouldn’t ignore me if she saw me on the street but that’s all she wants now.

[FMW]

Sounds like a really excessive reaction on her part. She's probably either avoiding you because she knows what you said was true even though she didn't want to face it, or you really were inappropriate and out of line. Hard to say without knowing what was said.

 

I don't understand why you blocked her. If she wasn't contacting you anyway, why did you feel the need to do that?

[vla1120]

I'd say you have one of two options. You can let it go and try to learn from this experience, or you can send her flowers or a card with one last appeal to give you another chance.

 

Sometimes, it is hard to know whether someone just needs a sounding board, or whether they are actually looking for feedback. I have learned (especially with my grown daughter) to ask before I give advice, now. I will literally say "Did you just need a sounding board, or do you want my advice?" Then I respect her choice.

[preraph]

Is this a friend or is this a crush of yours? You seem kind of overly upset if it's a friend spat.

 

She asked you for advice. Are you sure she asked you for advice, or she just started complaining? If she asked you for advice, you are fine for telling her what you think. Many people, like on this forum, ask advice when really they are looking for someone to agree with them and get very pissy when no one does. So I'm wondering if that is what happened. If so, I still think if what you said to her (if she asked for advice) was what you really think she's done to keep herself in a bad situation, she just didn't like hearing what may be the truth.

 

Now, if she did not actually ask for advice but just was complaining, there is the odd person who will get mad if you engage in the conversation and offer advice, which I believe is unfair if they're unloading on you.

 

If there is any romantic feelings here, anything you advise about her marriage is unethical.

[Heart and Soul]

No, no romantic involvement, we have been friends for around 8 years, she did ask me what I thought she should do, which I did, but I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me there and then that I had crossed the line, why pretend that all is ok when clearly it wasn’t, then 2 weeks later when we spoke again, she obviously was already angry with me, but still said nothing and the messages I got back were very painful for me and has opened up old childhood trauma for me, and when I had convinced myself our friendship was over it was too painful to bear and blocking, deleting I can see now was irrational and stupid and I have to live with that

[mark clemson]

There are, unfortunately, people out there who are great friends (or appear to be great friends) who suddenly turn. It's really too bad.

 

Let her go. Find some other friends. If she has a change of heart someday and comes back to you of her own accord, you can consider her then.

[Heart and Soul]

When she said that she would only speak to me if she saw me in the street, I decided that I would write a letter to her, because of the amount of time that had gone by with no contact from her, I haven’t had the chance to go over this situation with her at all, I have my side of the story and my own emotional baggage that I have been working through since this all happened, the letter I wrote was to say I was sorry for hurting her, and explained briefly my own turmoil throughout this situation and that my insecurities and irrational thoughts had taken over.

[preraph]

Stop apologizing for yourself to her! If you really believe that what you told her was something she needed to hear, her reaction is probably because the truth hurts, but maybe with some time some of what you said will seep in and she'll realize some of it was right and forgive you. Do not make excuses. Stand by what you said and only apologize that you're sorry it upset her. The truth often hurts.

[Mr. Lucky]

I decided that I would write a letter to her, because of the amount of time that had gone by with no contact from her

 

Given the number of times and different ways she's said she didn't want to speak with you, I can't help but wonder what it would take for you to respect her decision? At some point, doesn't "no" mean "no"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Springsummer]

Maybe I am cold. When I am unhappy with a friend, then I don't want to talk or speak to that person again.

[Springsummer]

Stop apologizing for yourself to her! If you really believe that what you told her was something she needed to hear, her reaction is probably because the truth hurts, but maybe with some time some of what you said will seep in and she'll realize some of it was right and forgive you. Do not make excuses. Stand by what you said and only apologize that you're sorry it upset her. The truth often hurts.

 

I agree with you. She asked for advice and OP gave his/her honest opinions. If truth hurts then that's not OP's problem.

 

How many times can one keep apologizing?

[Heart and Soul]

Yes you’re right, she did let me know in big bold words to stay away, but I pushed in the beginning because I couldn’t handle my feelings and wanted some answers. Weeks and months passed after and I felt rejected. I was left with a big hole, I had apologised, and this had not been acknowledged, I can’t make sense of why she felt that she needed almost 4 months to talk to me again. Before this point we saw each other most weeks and spoke and text every few days. I was grieving for her too.

[elaine567]

What was her original problem and what did you tell her to do? What sensitive subjects were discussed?

We can hardly judge the gravity of the situation, if we have no access to that info.

[d0nnivain]

I wish you had asked closer in time to when the initial mistakes happened.

 

I would have told you to stop texting. Never ever discuss emotional subjects with anyone over text! It's the worst medium & all compassion is lost in the cold words. Whatever it was you said to her about your marriage if it had been said face to face so she could hear your voice & see the deep concern & love on your face it would have soften that which you said that she didn't want to hear & she would be been less hurt. Even if she didn't take on board what you had to say, she would have known you were speaking from a good place. Short of abuse, you have to make it clear that you will support a friend in her relationship choices even if you would make different ones.

 

Next, I would have encouraged you to apologize through voice or with a written card, maybe even some flowers. Sending an I'm sorry text is lame & reads as callous.

 

When you heard that sad news how did you reach out? If it was text again, therein lies your problem. A card sent through the post would have been more appropriate & shown genuine caring though the effort of purchasing it, addressing it, stamping it & transmitting it.

 

Finally I would have advised you not to block her. In a friendship that has hit a rough patch blocking is final & mean. You threw away the whole friendship.

 

At this point I doubt there is anything you can do to restore her faith in you or the friendship. Leave her be. If you ever see her in person apologize in person but don't expect that alone to patch things up. She has to come to terms with the pain.

[Heart and Soul]

Yes regrettably I did put the final nail in the coffin, through my own insecurities and head being a mess, my decision was neither thought through nor rational, I was feeling so overwhelmed with my own pain. so I wrote a letter to her and apologised for all my hurtful actions. I expressed how much she means to me and that deleting her was regrettably the worst thing I could have done to her. I have to accept my actions and move on. Thank you everyone for your help, it does help to get others perspectives

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes friendships can be repaired.

 

I had a 20 year friend. We tried doing some business together & had a terrible fight over money. We stopped talking. About a year later my father died. She came to the funeral. I hugged her & told her with tears in my eyes that I am so glad she was the bigger person. We have never gotten back to our daily communication that we enjoyed pre-fight but we were talking again, not much -- holiday & birthday cards; we'd sit next to each other at industry events. Eventually we got back to maybe a phone call per year that I initiated. We spent an afternoon together 2 years ago. Now almost 7 years later I have actually interacted with her 2x in the last month & she called me the last time. Things will never be the same but we're not enemies.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had a 20 year friend. We tried doing some business together & had a terrible fight over money. We stopped talking.

 

Few things tougher than mixing friends and money. I was involved in a restaurant deal with 3 friends and we actually made a few bucks. Didn't stop the falling out, which persists to this day decades later. Live and learn...

 

Mr. Lucky