Trying to understand !

[Shelby525]

My wife and I of 19 years are in a situation where back in November she went out with 1 of our close friends. He is a close friend to both of us for 20+ years.

He happens to be an ex of my wife years ago before us. I never had an issue with their friendship. Until I received the phone bill in December and realized that they decided to up there friendship to “besties” and talk and text multiple times daily. I wasn’t completely happy, I talked to my wife about it . She said we just friends I love you.

He was over 1 night we were drinking having fun. I went to bed early and woke up to loud music at 5am, went down stairs and found them slow dancing together in the corner of my kitchen. I was mad as hell, because it brought bake very bad memories from 9 years ago when she decided to sleep with out next door neighbor. That was our friend. It was an ugly Jerry Springer episode for 3/4 months. We by some miracle worked it out and been happy ever since. I will say I forgave but will never forget!!!

We fought about this situation for weeks, she proclaimed her love for me and I was being controlling.

Fast forward a few month and I decided to just try to let it go, I did spy a bit and found nothing crazy, he is a good friend and I do trust my wife.

I’m still not to this day completely comfortable with the situation, and she says that he invited her to a concert 4hrs away and he has a hotel already because another budy bailed. She did ask me if she could go and I said I don’t like the idea.

I don’t care if you guys hang out go for drinks or dinner and talk on phone but I think this is stepping out of my comfort zone.

Well turned into a huge battle, I explained that temptations are way to high when you put yourself in that situation. That no one goes out planning to cheap but **** happens and I think I very aware of that very thing.

She went on how I don’t trust her, their just friends and I would never cheat on you.....

So she came me and said I’m sorry but I’m going.

 

What to do, am I overreacting? I need some advice!

[mark clemson]

Wow - IMO what your wife is doing goes WAY beyond normal boundaries in a marriage. You may not wish to hear this, but they are AT LEAST having an ongoing emotional affair (EA). Unfortunately, there is a very good chance it has gone physical affair (PA).

 

Your wife must be a great actress/manipulator - she's gotten you to the point where you've actually normalized her having an ongoing EA. You notice neither of them bothered to let you know they were talking multiple times a day. Why do you think that was hidden from you?

 

And of course he acting like a great friend - he's having (at least) an EA with your wife! I'm sure he loves hanging around with you guys. Did he mention the daily communications and slow dancing? Bud - this guys is eating your lunch! As the old saying goes, with friends like him, who needs enemies!

 

There is absolutely NO WAY you should allow this hotel thing to happen. If it hasn't gone PA yet, that will be the time (although if he lives nearby who knows, this may have already happened).

 

Honestly I think you're in denial - you probably love your wife and it has blinded you. The unfortunate reality appears to be you're in the middle of a giant train wreck - it's just that the full extent of it is being concealed from you.

 

The slow dancing thing tells you all you ever needed to go. This other guy needs to be out of your lives completely and permanently. Otherwise you should just face up to the fact that you're in an open marriage - it's just that no one's bothered to tell you.

 

Sorry, man.

[Orokotikki]

Not overreacting. She cheated before?? Then you are under-reacting!

[kgcolonel]

Shelby

 

it really sounds as though your entire relationship is out of balance. How can a spouse ignore their actions that make the other so uncomfortable. Additionally, when she cheated on you, she wrote her own script to future sensitivities.

 

The fact that she asked and then proclaimed that she was going anyway sounds very immature and selfish.

 

That said, i would do a bit of investigation....do you factually know that the friends buddy bailed or was this simply what you were told. i think it would be worth a call that the buddy with something like...bummer you can't go to the concert with 'friend'. See what he says....chances are good that he will know nothing of what you're talking about...

 

Your wife has already established herself as a cheater....if she continues with the plan to go....maybe she should go as a single person...just saying.

[BaileyB]

Despite what she may think, you would be very unwise to trust her - she has cheated on you twice.

 

The first time is a mistake. The second time is a pattern.

 

If you value fidelity in a relationship and want a woman who is able to maintain a healthy boundary with other men, I think you know exactly what you have to do...

[Artdeco]

I highly suspect an emotional affair as well, possibly more. I’m sure they talk about intimate things, and share stuff that you wouldn’t be happy about. That combined with her previous cheating with yet another family friend would make anyone very uncomfortable.

 

I can’t understand how a previous cheater can be so entitled to act as if nothing has ever happened, even if the affair was 9 years ago. I know you forgave her and you say that your marriage was good for a while after that, but I think that after an incident of that kind, no matter how long ago, there will never be a completely clean slate, and the “offender” should be aware of that, and tread very carefully. She does not do that.

 

I completely understand that you are against them going to a concert with an overnight stay. Most husbands would be, even those who have not experienced the trauma/embarrassment/pain that you had to go through. Heck, most wives would never even consider doing that, even if they never cheated and never would. Your wife has caused you pain, and violated your trust, so she should be especially conscious and compassionate. She definitely is not behaving like somebody who feels any remorse for past “misbehavior”, and moreover, she completely ignores your feelings, after you’ve verbalized them. Not cool. At the same time, I have to say that I don’t generally like to tell people what to do. If they don’t know what the right thing to do is in any given situation, especially when other people’s feelings are involved, that usually tells me a lot.

 

I think you’ve made your point clear. There’s nothing you can do. I wouldn’t say anymore, if I were you, just watch what she decides, and go from there. Actions have consequences.

[elaine567]

What kind of a friend arranges a trip away to a concert with YOUR wife?

Have you spoken to him about it?

[d0nnivain]

You are not overreacting. He's not just a friend. He's an EX. She already violated your trust once. The idea that she spends all this time with him, slow danced in your house & now wants to travel with him. It's a very slippery slope & we can all here it now: the adrenaline from the concert, a few drinks, the close quarters . . ."it just happened." B.S. The best way to avoid this is for her to put a lot of distance in this relationship & to decline the invitation to the concert. This isn't about trust so much as the appearance of impropriety.

[Rockdad]

There is absolutely NO WAY you should allow this hotel thing to happen.

 

 

This stuck out at me. I agree it should not happen however do we spouses or partners have powers granted to us to forbade anything? Just how would he not "allow" this?

[mark clemson]

OP can do it his way. It's a little hard to know since I'm not in the situation, but if it was me, I'd basically insist that no she can't go. This might turn into serious arguing and begin to damage the marriage. But, IMO she's already damaging it. I've had verbal fights with my wife before (and I don't always "win") but we always reconcile.

 

I guess as (attempted) preventative measures, I would just make it not worth her while to do it. I could escalate that up to and including putting divorce on the table if needed.

 

This hotel room thing is NOT the same as meeting for coffee or similar once a month, particularly with everything else that's gone on. I would figure that she valued the friendship more than the marriage.

 

In my case, I'm confident in my ability (if absolutely necessary) to find a new partner. OP will have to make his own decisions.

[bathtub-row]

This stuck out at me. I agree it should not happen however do we spouses or partners have powers granted to us to forbade anything? Just how would he not "allow" this?

 

I don’t believe in asking permission in a marriage but the parties should run things past each other. I wouldn’t even tell my spouse that he couldn’t cheat. I would tell him that he’s free to cheat but he will lose me if he does.

 

This isn’t about asking permission. His wife is a complete idiot if she thinks her husband is being controlling because he doesn’t want her to go. What I would’ve said to my spouse in such a situation is that he could feel free to go but I would be gone when he got back.

 

Shelby, the guy isn’t your friend, and your wife is certifiable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree it should not happen however do we spouses or partners have powers granted to us to forbade anything? Just how would he not "allow" this?

 

I don't think "allow" means he'll lock her in the basement to keep her from going (though, based on what's happened, not sure that would stop her ).

 

"Allow" means within the confines of our ongoing marriage, this can't happen. And if it does, it will affect the status of our relationship, both emotionally and perhaps officially.

 

What kind of a friend arranges a trip away to a concert with YOUR wife?

 

Had the same thought. Shelby525, you seem rightfully upset with your wife. Given it takes two, how does this "good friend" get a free pass?

 

Nothing about this now 6-month old scenario passes the smell test, including your wife's determined effort to gaslight you as though this were your problem. Wake up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You're not out of line. They are being uncareful. And just because she loves you doesn't mean she won't sleep with someone else. I believe I'd have a talk with both of them or just him as well and tell him once you saw them slow dancing at 5 in the morning and given that she has cheated in the past, you want them both to respect your boundary.

[FMW]

Wow, OP, that's messed up. Of course you're not overreacting. As others have said, her bad behavior has resulted in the normalization of completely unacceptable behavior.

 

If she goes on the trip I would tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live when she returns. Maybe the "friend" will let her move in.

[Poutrew]

All you can do is tell you 'best friend' that if she goes with him, he can keep her, because she will soon thereafter be a single woman who'll need a permanent place to crash after the divorce... then write them both out of your life.

[Shelby525]

We had a talk she showed me text messages with him saying, we are only going if I’m ok with the situation.

She said that she doesn’t have hardly no and Family or friends and that this is important to her. She loves me and that she says that if I ruin this for her she will begin to be resentful towards me.

She says if I say anything about to him he will walk away from their friendship and it effect our marriage.

In the end she said she is going and told him she is in. He asked if their was any hesitation on my part and she said no.

I can’t help but think that even if this is on the up and up eventually things will grow into something else.

This sucks!!!

[kgcolonel]

Well there you go....she has shown you who she is....she is all about her...at least she was honest with you and told you to like it or lump it....what do you intend to do?

 

if it were me, i would encourage her to go and have a great time and to even stay the weekend with him, better still, just move in with him as she is putting this friendship ahead of her marriage.

 

This is pretty clear from the outside....

[FMW]

Shelby, this is completely unacceptable. I can't even imagine how you could stomach being with her when she's treating you with such disdain. Please open your eyes and see the situation for what it is.

 

Maybe she doesn't have any friends because she is a selfish and manipulative person in general - not just with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

In the end she said she is going and told him she is in.

 

And why wouldn’t she, what’s the downside for her? She could go on a road trip with the local Hell’s Angels chapter, you’d still be waiting by the door when she got home.

 

Shelby, what’s your line in the sand? She’s ignored you, dumped on your marriage and prioritized this “friend” above you. So what’s it take for you to do something?

 

Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

One additional note....whether you realize it or not, you will become resentful toward her for the betrayal.....

 

BTW...she's also a liar....she's lied to her partner about you being okay with this farce....this is truly not only unacceptable but troubling in the sense that she is as self centered as she is. i am thinking that your response should be;

 

"I realize how important this is to you...go, have a great time, f....him if you want to....being in a committed relationship is more important to me that being in a relationship with someone who is putting me in this position. Stay the weekend, i will start the paperwork to move toward what is important to me."

 

This sounds extreme however, you have already caught them "slow dancing" in your house, who knows where that would have led. i am telling you, she's got boundary issues and likely would "do whatever it takes" to gain "friends".

 

She's going to be misery for you....time to cut bait.

[Mr. Lucky]

He asked if their was any hesitation on my part and she said no.

 

Thought this was your good friend? The two of you don’t talk?

 

Mr. Lucky

[michzz]

She is lying to you about the scope of her betrayal. Calling the jerk she is cheating with an "ex" is not quite right. he is a "current."

 

You are being played for a fool and probably have been exposed to whatever they have been doing intimately.

 

Consult with a lawyer immediately and get divorced from this disloyal wife.

 

Also, get checked for STIs. You may have been exposed to something from her activities.

 

Do not be intimate with her again.

 

Funny how she says she has no family so "he" is all she has.

 

I've never had to slow dance hiding in the kitchen with any of my family or friends.

 

You do not have to tolerate this at all.

[preraph]

I realize he originally bought two tickets, but why didn't they at least try to buy a third and bring you with them?

 

He's your friend, and I would let him know that you saw the slow dancing and weren't worried until then but ask if it was the other way around, how would he feel. It sounds like it's her more than him that's the problem. She probably asked him to dance, not the other way around, if I'm guessing. He doesn't sound like he wants to step on your toes.

 

But I would be nice but talk to him and tell him there needs to be some boundaries if they're going to be friends. She threatened you like if you mess this up for me -- but having him call off her going out of town with him isn't like you're telling them both not to be friends. It's just telling them both this is crossing the line.

 

Sorry you are in such a pickle. You should tell her, I want you to be friends, but there needs to be boundaries. No slow dancing, no trips alone with him, and I should be included in most things and at least be given that option.

 

You know, you COULD play at her own game and start monopolizing his time without inviting her to join in and that might take care of at least how often they get together.

[michzz]

I hope the line in the sand is not "you can only put the tip in and no further."

 

If it were me? The friendship is over or the marriage is over--AND-- it may already be over since there is so much more to this friendship than has been revealed.

[kgcolonel]

When is this concert....why do YOU think he did not ask YOU to go to the concert???