Back in town to ex

[LoveyDoveyyy]

Hello, please help me sort out this situation .

 

We were dating long-distance with my ex ( he's 30 and I'm 26) for nearly 3 years when he quietly disappeared after a conversation we had where I playfully told him that I didn't care if he were to leave for another woman . I've always had a pattern of playing it cool with him because I've been scared of showing vulnerability . After that day though, we were broken up for 10 months since he never really said anything but quietly disappeared. He's an avoidant who despises conflicts . I didn't pursue him but made sure rumors got to him that I had someone else, only to hurt him the way he hurted me . Two months ago though we got back in touch and he apologised for the way he went off the radar. I asked him some help with a project when I'll be back to my country and he showed enthusiasm and support, even making inside jokes.

Knowing he's also single, I confessed after that I still loved him and told him all the truth about having been single for the past months but also lashed out at him, telling how he broke my heart . He never responded to my email.

 

In 3 months I'll be back in my country. Should I let him know I'm back or just leave things this way ? I can't help but feel like there's an "unfinished business".

Thanks a lot and sorry if there are mistakes, I'm a french speaker .

[basil67]

Your English is fine. But your relationship won't be fine. It was perfectly understandable of him to leave after what you initially said about not caring if he left. It's not as if you didn't know why he left. And there's no reason he should have stuck around to work through conflict which was a deliberate slight on your side.

 

When he gave you a second chance, you blame him for hurting you despite the fact it was your actions which made him walk away in the first place.. I suspect this time he won't be back. What you're experiencing now is consequence for your behaviour.

 

I suggest that you could benefit from getting some help to save you from making the same mistakes again.

[LoveyDoveyyy]

Thanks a lot for taking some time for me.

 

He was no saint in the relationship either, trust me. Holding grudges, never really expressing himself fully, never showing dissatisfaction what I mistook for patience from him. I was there for him through everything despite his silences, his withdrawals coupled with distance. But I recognise I could be harsh on words sometimes when I was fed up since he never expressed anything.

 

He wouldn't have came back if I hadn't contacted him in february. And it was'n't for a second chance, it was just to help with something that I asked.

The thing is that he never really told me "it's over", he would just disappear and leave you guessing so that's why I hung on for so long.

 

I'll send an email when I'm back saying I'm there. And if he doesn't make any move, then I'll just drop the matter because dating him demands lots of work anyway and can be draining. And maybe I too deserve someone much better than him. At least I'll have no regret since I tried everything.

 

Thanks.

Edited May 10, 2019 by LoveyDoveyyy

[d0nnivain]

You haven't tried the most important thing: honest communication.

 

After 3 years you callously told him that you didn't care if he were to leave for another woman. Guess what? He interpreted that as you showing him the door. Now you are shocked & hurt when he left.

 

You admit that you "played it cool" because you were afraid of showing vulnerability. From his side, I bet he felt like he was getting frostbite in the relationship because you kept him at arm's length.

 

Then you played games, hurting him the way he hurt you. What about the ways you hurt him? Where in here do you take any responsibility for the failure of your relationship?

 

Even when you were trying to make things better, you had to "lash out" to tell him you were hurt. While intellectually we all know that scared animals bite when cornered, when you are the one getting attacked, you don't always see the attacker's fear. This guy understood you lashing out as further evidence that you are just a mean person. You have never opened up to him & let him see the softer vulnerable side.

 

Until you are ready to risk being hurt you will never fully be loved. You have too many defenses up & frankly you made it hard for anybody to want to push passed them. He's not going to make a move. Despite what you posted here, the only message you send him screams "stay the F**k away from me!" Plus you already know he's the avoidant type. It's unrealistic to expect that in the face of all your hostility he will act against type.

 

If you want this fixed, you have to fix it. Step one is telling him that you are sorry for the rotten things you said. Step two is being nicer to him.

[LoveyDoveyyy]

He was the one keeping me at arms length.

He was the one withdrawing and leave me guessing, who does that ? in a distance relationship ? leave the other guessing while you're not even together to soothe things ?

 

I felt like I did all the job. Do you know how frustrating it is to always be the one stepping up ? always be the one opening and pouring your heart while he'd just watch and decide when to come around ? How draining ? But of course I'm the mean one.

Thank you.

 

I guess the fact that I'm still hung up on him is because he never really told/wrote me "IT'S OVER, LEAVE ME ALONE AND MOVE ON" ? I swear he would be history if only one day he could tell me that correctly.

 

Last time we talked was in february after no contact for 8 months . In July I'll be back for good and send him a mail just saying "I'm there". And if he doesn't do anything, I'll just drop the matter, because even I deserve much better than him.

 

Thanks for answering me.