Stupidandsorry Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Similar story to many here. Just looking for some anonymous support as I have nowhere to turn. I am in a relationship and I do love him. He is an alcoholic and I suppose I have used this as an excuse to have an affair with somebody who is also in a relationship. My relationship is intense due to the alcoholism and suicidal thoughts that my partner is suffering. However, I made a selfish and stupid decision to have an affair. He has been caught and I feel so terrible for the hurt my actions have caused. She knows who I am. I am so afraid his wife will disclose to my SO and this will tip him over the edge and he will harm himself. I have gone NC obviously and will never contact the other person again, but I am just freaking out. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ??? What should I do?? What a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Normally, I would suggest that you get out in front of this an tell your husband the truth. I don’t know how you can ever trust that he will not learn the truth. It will be better for him to hear it from you, than from the betrayed spouse. I know you are concerned about his safety. I am concerned about your safety. I don’t know that you can trust that a man who abuses alcohol and is suicidal will not become a serious threat to your safety. Do you plan to stay with this man? You must be aware that staying with an alcoholic because you fear for his safety is neither a wise decision or sustainable long term. If you are planning to leave, this may be the time. If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest that your first call tomorrow should be to a women’s shelter or counselling clinic. Ask to speak with someone who can help you to formulate a plan to leave this situation safety. If you insist on staying, perhaps they can help you to develop a plan such that you can tell him in the safest way possible... but truly, I don’t know if that’s possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 When people are in stressful situations the sub conscience sometimes takes over and people do dumb stuff that results removal from the situation. Being married to a alcoholic qualifies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 OP, you are quite frankly...busted. Look at it this way, regardless of the your SO's feelings, which are going to be bad not matter what, it is an issue of your own feelings. If you want to have any control of the terms of your SO finding out, and for your own piece of mind, you better tell him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Are you in relationship counseling? Because with the alcoholism you already should be. If you want to save this relationship, get in front of a counselor and confess your affair to him. Have the counselor help guide you two to talk about it and see if you want to move forward. If you think your affair is a sign that your subconscious is saying NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE to your current relationship, then make a safe exit plan ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 (edited) OP, tell him the truth with compassion and contrition before he finds out from the other man's wife. He will find out, and better it comes from you. Also, never do this again. Edited May 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator reply to deleted post 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 OP, you are right to be worried. Not only that she may tell your husband but that she will come to your job and let them know. Some betrayed wives do not play. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 The OP is not married. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 How realistic is it that she will tell your partner or that he will find out. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Alcoholism is no joke. I wished that my parents got divorced my entire life. If I found out that my mother had an affair, I would actually be happy for her. My father was so awful to all of us. OP - i wish I had advice, but I know it's such a hard situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Similar story to many here. Just looking for some anonymous support as I have nowhere to turn. I am in a relationship and I do love him. He is an alcoholic and I suppose I have used this as an excuse to have an affair with somebody who is also in a relationship. My relationship is intense due to the alcoholism and suicidal thoughts that my partner is suffering. However, I made a selfish and stupid decision to have an affair. He has been caught and I feel so terrible for the hurt my actions have caused. She knows who I am. I am so afraid his wife will disclose to my SO and this will tip him over the edge and he will harm himself. I have gone NC obviously and will never contact the other person again, but I am just freaking out. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ??? What should I do?? What a mess. Better for you to tell your husband than exMM or his wife. I know you're terrified and not sure of the fallout that will happen but it's out of your control. Own it. You created this situation by having an affair knowing that it could tip your husband over the edge. Also, get counseling to help you cope with this, venting here and getting advice is one thing but you need to have a trained therapist who can guide you in a healthy way and create a safe environment for you and your husband to talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I disagree with the notion that just because he’s an alcoholic means that he will become violent. The alcoholics I know are perfectly content with harming only themselves. Don’t go to a woman’s shelter unless you believe he’ll become violent. If there’s no history of violence toward you then save room at the shelter for someone who needs it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Your SO needs more help than you can give him. If you cannot get him to go to alcoholic's anonymous, then you should go to al anon as well as couples counseling (if you want to save your relationship, and if he will go with you.) If there is a chance that the OM's wife is going to tell your SO, it would be better if he heard it from you. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 These situations can be delicate, and sometimes overestimated. I have seen cases where someone who drinks a few on Friday night has all of a sudden become a raging alcoholic once an affair is started. If he is really as bad as she says then she has to attempt to control the environment where he finds out. If he is as bad as she says it could be awfully dangerous for him to be ambushed by an angry BW. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Dangerous for whom? The only one I see being hurt by this revelation is her SO since he’s the suicidal one. Nothing she’s said indicates otherwise. By the way, you can’t say you worry about how he’ll feel from finding out and call it love. Love means not doing something intentionally that could harm him in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Yes, dangerous to himself, if she is accurate in her assessment. I suspect its overstated and is being used both as justification for the affair and not confessing. The two are somewhat contradictory, I had an affair because he is an unstable alcoholic, I'm not telling because he is an unstable alcoholic but I had an affair on an unstable alcoholic and risking that he be ambushed by my boyfriend's wife. It's all comes off as very self serving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I disagree with the notion that just because he’s an alcoholic means that he will become violent. The alcoholics I know are perfectly content with harming only themselves.. I don’t disagree. That said, I personally wouldn’t want to learn after the fact that I should have been more cautious in handling this situation. Alcohol, mental health issues, and relationship stress generally don’t mix well. I would be very careful in setting up how this truth will be told to this man, and prepared to take the necessary steps to ensure both of their safety should he handle the news poorly... I also agree with the poster who made the comment that there is probably not much left to save if the relationship is so bad that you find yourself seeking an extramarital affair to “escape.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 I have seen cases where someone who drinks a few on Friday night has all of a sudden become a raging alcoholic once an affair is started. It's so hard to separate fact from fiction when the MOW starts talking about her betrayed husband. They all seem to be described as cold cruel monsters that virtually pushed/forced their wives to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 op, safety is the top priority here, both yours and your partners ( and kids, if you have any) . If you are worried about him finding out from someone else, is there any way you can arrange emergency counseling where you can tell him in a safe environment? That professional can help you find a way to break this to him, and support him afterwards. Please, take care of safety first-the rest can come later. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 op, are you okay? Link to post Share on other sites
WolfPack Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) If you have not already done so, please leave your home now. Tell him you are having a breakdown or something. The reason I say this, is you need to know that the chances of your affair partners wife telling your husband are about 99%. She has nothing to lose and will stop at nothing until you have everything to. And your affair partner is most likely not putting you in the best light. Just like his wife was most likely described as the frigid shrew, she is being told how you took advantage of him and just jumped him. He is doing everything to downplay his part and make it all yours, just fueling her fire If you are worried about your safety then take precautions now. Edited May 12, 2019 by WolfPack Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 if she were to have told him, she'd have done it by now Link to post Share on other sites
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