Getting Married and ex reaching out

[outlandish]

Hi All,

 

 

I have posted here previously when I was dumped around 2 years ago after a 5 year relationship. She left me bluntly and treated me quite bad immediatly after.

 

 

 

Since then she has reached out on a friendly basis. I think she left me to be with someone else and it didnt work out whilst I have since met someone amazing who I am very happy with and getting married to soon.

 

 

The ex is still reaching out as a friend and saying she misses me and thinks of me etc. Now whilst we wont work, I feel really bad for how she will feel when she inevitably finds out I got married. I really dont want her to hurt.

 

 

Do you think she wil feel hurt when she does? Despite her ways and how she dumped me, I do care for her as a person and know she has struggled a lot since she left me.

[Marc878]

You're getting married.

 

Block her on everything.

 

She's not your problem.

 

This happens. Why? She didn't want you but doesn't someone else to have you.

 

Much like child who doesn't want a toy until someone else does.

 

You want to screw up your current relationship ? Let an X in the mix.

 

Stop being naive

[basil67]

I find it concerning that her reaction is even on your radar. Seems like you could still be a little too close to her.

 

Does your fiance know that she reaches out and says that she misses you and is thinking of you? If I was your fiance, I'd be furious at you for allowing your ex to tell you these things.

Edited May 9, 2019 by basil67

[darkmoon]

you "care for her as a person"? ... your poor fiancee! ... "care"? the ex has you dancing attendance on her ... look, she has friends and family for "care" so send her to them

Edited May 9, 2019 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

You have to pick & right now. Do you want to hurt your FI or this EX? Your FI will go through the roof when she finds out you have been talking to the EX & failed to tell that woman you are engaged. What are you thinking? If you care more about your EX's feelings then your FI's feelings call off the wedding. You are marrying the wrong woman.

[elaine567]

Two years is not a long time after being dumped from a 5 year relationship.

I guess you have rebounded onto your fiancee and you have taken a bit of pleasure out of "out-doing" your ex in the dating stakes.

Now your ex is back on the scene, your mind is wandering back to her and you are now worried she will be upset when you get married...

 

If I were you I would take a serious step back and not rush into marriage as I guess you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

I am not suggesting you need to or you should get back with your ex, probably not a great idea either, but marrying a rebound is never a smart move.

[stillafool]

Let your ex kick rocks. Why do you care if she's hurt. Weren't you when she dumped you? Block her and don't look back.

[stillafool]

Your ex is caught up in a game of competition but; your finance doesn't know she's the opponent. I have a feeling that if you do take your ex back and lose the fiance, your ex will lose interest again and dump you.

[Woggle]

They can almost smell from miles away when you have moved on. Just block her and move on.

[usa1ah]

I have posted here previously when I was dumped around 2 years ago after a 5 year relationship. She left me bluntly and treated me quite bad immediately after. .

 

Just stop. Do not continue in this direction. Just stop talking with her. She is not reaching out as a friend. She is trying to get back with you. Anything you do when interacting with her is going to hurt her. And above all. This girl you are going to marry deserves your full attention.

 

Stop talking with your ex.

Edited May 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[Blanco]

Don't get married. Between the short amount of time you've presumably been with your fiance and the stuff you say in the OP, I'm not sure you're completely over the ex.

[ExpatInItaly]

.The ex is still reaching out as a friend and saying she misses me and thinks of me etc. Now whilst we wont work, I feel really bad for how she will feel when she inevitably finds out I got married. I really dont want her to hurt.

 

To be blunt, why you really care this much?

 

How is it that she doesn't know you're engaged? If she has been telling you she misses you and thinks of you, I find it odd that you haven't already drawn a firm line in the sand and let her know you have moved on and are getting married.

 

Why are you keeping this line of communication open, OP? It speaks to a deeper issue.

[outlandish]

Thanks for the replies, harsh but perhaps true. The issue does go deeper as we had a toxic relationship as per my previous threads. I guess a part of me still feels like the helpy helper although I know it is wrong I just hate hurting people. She does not have any family or friends in this country and it makes me sad because I do care for her as a person but NOT in any romance/relationship sense. My fiance is amazing and I do not have a single ounce of doubt at all.

 

The cancel the marriage replies seem to have interpreted this wrong. I am fully moved on I just cannot bring myself to tell my ex not to contact me, 5 years is a long time to spend with someone, especially when you become their emotional and mental crutch. I have forgiven how bad she was to me and how she left me, I am stronger for it and have a lovely woman now but I dont want to rub it in her face. I just want her to be happy and I know if she doesn't have me to reach out to, she doesn't really have anyone. Not sure that makes me a bad person but I don't think there is a written rule you cant be friends with someone you were with so long and care so much about. It is not a reflection at all of how I feel about my fiance.

 

Its simply a matter of telling someone to leave you alone just because it is "the right thing to do" when I see it as being slightly spiteful to be honest. I guess as much as I dont like or want to hurt anyone, I am actually unintentionally doing exactly that by not stopping this.

Edited May 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[missmoxie]

i must warn you. block and delete her now! no ifs ands or butts. seriously, what if your wifes ex was hitting her up saying that he misses her and stuff. how would you feel. i would be furious if my spouses ex was hitting him up, even if its friendly. theres always a reason behind it.

 

you married an amazing woman or are getting married, then there is no need to keep your ex around. i sense that you have some feelings for her that you have no yet let go, you need to let them go now.

 

you dont want to lose your wife, and if you ex did break you too up, she would either leave again break you up and then feel satisfied , trust me ive seen this before

[d0nnivain]

You don't necessarily have to stop talking to your EX. You absolutely have to stop talking to her behind your FIs back. The idea that you are keeping this info from your FI poison.

 

2 of my EXs are in my professional field. I occasionally have to interact with them. Whenever I encounter then I tell my husband. With one I even collaborated on a business project with him 20 years later after first discussing it with DH. I was a bit weirded out because that guy didn't tell his wife about my participation. I have no idea if she found out & nothing other than work transpired between us but it still made me uncomfortable that his wife didn't know his EX (me) was part of the work project. Then again, I don't even know if she knew I exist even in theory. I suppose it doesn't really matter but it's not how I chose to run my life/ marriage.

 

You need transparency which is missing from this dynamic.

Edited May 10, 2019 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess a part of me still feels like the helpy helper although I know it is wrong I just hate hurting people.

 

Eh, I don't really buy that. Sorry. Time to get real with yourself, dude.

 

While I don't believe you have a malicious intention, I do not think you're keeping communication open with your ex because you just hate hurting people so much. If that were true, you would be a lot more worried about hurting your future wife by concealing your upcoming wedding from an ex who obviously still wants you.

 

No. I believe you are letting this contact continue because you do indeed still have feelings for your ex somewhere and are not ready to cut it off completely. I can imagine you don't relish the zinger you will deliver when you finally get honest and tell her you're engaged, but I think you are very worried she will then disappear forever. And that is what is actually behind your lack of transparency with her.

 

It might not be a direct reflection of how you feel about your finacee (though I don't really buy that either, given how skewed your priorities are here) but it is a darn direct reflection about your lingering feelings for your ex.

[Ruby Slippers]

Here's another vote for block/delete/ignore. She's not your problem anymore. Focus on the bright future ahead with your wife-to-be. Your ex can find some other guy to "help" her.

[darkmoon]

Not one friend? I smell BS. Face it - everybody knows somebody.

 

And if she is genuinely friendless, and has you reacting to her predicament - when is it okay for you to stop? when she says? when your fiance finds out? never?

[Blanco]

I'll repeat: Do not marry this woman. I went through your other thread that was still getting updated as of five months ago and you still sounded heavily invested in your ex. You still sound invested in her now.

 

Your reasoning has always been the same: You feel bad for her. OK, that's fair, but she is not your problem. You don't have to be mean to her, but she had her chance with you and she explicitly passed on it. She doesn't get bits and pieces of you when she willingly chose to not accept all of you.

 

I don't know how old you all are, but this sounds like a real mess in the making. It's clear reading your old thread that your ex has no boundaries, as she continued to contact you and beg for another chance when she knew you had someone else; probably because you had someone else.

 

And while you've not outright entertained the idea of it, it's obvious you haven't maintained healthy boundaries either. If you had, she would know by now that you two are finished and never getting back together. She'd also know that while you don't hate her, you cannot be friends with her or have her in your life. This woman has made it clear that she's going to be detrimental to your relationship, so anything, even supposed friendship, is off the table if you want to not mess things up with your fiance.

 

This all supposes that you really want your fiance. I still think it's soon to be getting married when it's obvious you were still deeply invested in your ex as recently as a few months ago.